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Boyfriend and loneliness issues

I feel my boyfriend is being a bit too controlling and it's making me lonely.

In the past he's said that he hasn't been happy with me going on nights out with my friends so much so I cut down on going out to about once every couple of weeks. Anyway about a month and a half ago he finally admitted the true extent of his trust issues (not just with me, with everybody) and although he trusts me far more than he trusts everyone else he really doesn't like me going out at all and told me he wanted me to stop.

Secondly my friends smoke weed and in the past I would join in and have a few draws of a joint that was being passed round about once a week. My boyfriend told me he wants me to stop this, so I have. However when I hang out with my friends when I'm not smoking and they're stoned they're all so... different. It's not something I noticed when I was smoking, and it's not something I like at all.

My friends tend to smoke about 3 nights per week and go out 1-2 nights. These have become nights I spend alone in my room because I've followed what my boyfriend said he wanted me to do - I'm not going out or smoking and I feel alienated when my friends get stoned. My boyfriend and I only spend 1-2 nights together each week, even though we live in the same town. He has issues sleeping in single beds with me and says he needs to be in his flat so he can go to the gym early or so he can do his food prep (he follows a strict gym plan and food cycle, and doesn't drink or go out).

I feel like I'm becoming so incredibly lonely as a result. I'm part of a sports team which has regular nights out (almost each week) but no longer feel part of the team. I try to be more sociable and to make new friends but everyone seems to go out. I've been trying to spend more time with my boyfriend to stop me feeling lonely but it's difficult as he works 3 days a week has has a busy gym/food schedule. I've tried speaking to him about my loneliness but he either doesn't reply or accuses me of making digs at him.

We've been together 17 months now. It's only been in the past 5 months or so that he's changed his lifestyle - before that we'd both go out with our friends and he was totally fine with it. I'm lonely and I need to fix that, but I need to talk to him about it without making it seem like I'm blaming him. Any thoughts?

Reply 1

RichyFrench

My ex was part of the reason I stopped smoking weed. After a while I realised I was quite happy to have done so too. I was never addicted but it just wasn't a good habit. Once I stopped smoking weed I was completely isolated from my friends. They'd only ever smoke weed if they hung out, and so I never really saw them and drifted apart. It really sucks when you drift apart from people like that. Luckily I went to uni shortly after, but now that I'm back home, I only really have 2 mates. One of them I met at the gym through my other mate.

Try being more social and making some new friends. Don't just wait for events to happen. Think of something of your own accord, and invite people to join you. Text a few people from your sports night and ask if they wanna go bowling, or have a pool tournament or something. Or just go have a few drinks at some retro bar. Spending more time with your boyfriend to avoid being lonely is only a temporary fix, and not a good one at that. You need to get some good friends, life's tough on your own.

Reply 2

carrotstar

It depends on what you yourself would prefer to happen. Ignore the way your friends act and the way your boyfriend acts, and think about what you really want to happen, and then state that to him, making sure to let him know that there's going to have to be a few compromises. He can't control you forever or you will have no life yourself. That would be selfish of him.

Reply 3

Journeyzap

First, another person can't control your life. You can't just bail and do what your boyfriend tells you - he has to realise that his requests aren't reasonable.

Why doesn't he want you to go out? Is he afraid you are going to cheat on him? He should be able to trust you such that you won't do that - and you know you won't be cheating on him.
If you cave in to what he says, he will slowly ramp up further the control he exerts over you, and sooner or later you will find yourself cut off from your friends.

You both have to understand that there are sacrifices and compromises that have to be made in a relationship - and also realise that certain requests (such as those from your bf) stem from personal insecurities which HE should deal with. If you stop going out, he is still going to have that insecurity.

It sounds like he might some mild mental disorder (OCD?), if he follows such a strict plan and feels the need to control everything.

Reply 4

Rascacielos

I'm not going to encourage you to go back to smoking weed but I don't think you should be putting up with this guy controlling your life either. And then not being that interested in seeing you (what kind of excuse is 'I need to go to the gym early', really?!). You need to not only talk to him about it, but tell him firmly that he is going too far and making you unhappy, which is completely out of order. Ask him what has changed recently, so that he is now uncomfortable with you going out etc when he wasn't before. If he can't sort himself out, then you're better off without him, OP.

Original post by Journeyzap

It sounds like he might some mild mental disorder (OCD?), if he follows such a strict plan and feels the need to control everything.

I would go with 'control freak' or whatever the medical equivalent is.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 5

AlexandrTheGreat

Original post by Anonymous

Any thoughts?

Your boyfriend sounds like a control freak. And that's what they all say; "I have trust issues, I was hurt by a woman. You wouldn't hurt me, would you?".

Most women are so thrilled to be in a man's emotional confidence they completely miss how controlling and psycho this behaviour is. That **** about not being able to sleep in a single bed, having to be in his apartment... ffs find yourself a real man, not an insecure boy who just happens to be an a technical adults body