My gf wants to go on a 'girls holiday'
So a couple of weeks back she messaged me saying that she was pretty much going on a girls holiday to Zante and she asked if I was okay with it. (Not booked just lightly discussed, no details etc apart from location)
First of all, I will give my answer and then explain why and then tell you the key points to our conversation following my answer.
So I told her that no, I wasn't happy with it. My reason being is that before we started dating she went on a girls holiday with a different set of friends and while there she was beaten up badly by her best mate at the time. It was a completely random attack at their hotel. Anyway as I'm sure you can imagine it has had a huge effect on her, on top of her past, which before that wasn't great either. I just don't want this to happen again because it will destroy what is left of her. I know if I'm there it wont happen.
Anyway, she said she was going and didn't need my permission, saying it's because I don't trust her. I said to her that il go with her, what activity would they be doing that a lad couldn't, especially her own BF. It's just drinking and shopping..... At this point she was in a group chat with her mates and so I asked her to give me a good reason why I can't go and a lassie in there said ' the lads had their own holiday so why can't we', well that didn't include me so wasn't accepted as a reason. I have recently read the rest of the messages from the group and a friend who talked about the holiday to her and one girl in private was telling her that she shouldn't let me win and I don't trust her. Well it's not about trust at all its about caring for her.
The conversation finished with me saying that I'm just going to assume she isn't going and we can discuss it another time but she can make her choice now i've given her my thoughts on the matter.
So a few questions.....
Am I wrong in not wanting her to go without me?
She says everyone needs/have a 'girls' holiday. Do they?
If i let her go and something bad happens to her is it my fault?
Also any other thoughts are welcome
First of all, I will give my answer and then explain why and then tell you the key points to our conversation following my answer.
So I told her that no, I wasn't happy with it. My reason being is that before we started dating she went on a girls holiday with a different set of friends and while there she was beaten up badly by her best mate at the time. It was a completely random attack at their hotel. Anyway as I'm sure you can imagine it has had a huge effect on her, on top of her past, which before that wasn't great either. I just don't want this to happen again because it will destroy what is left of her. I know if I'm there it wont happen.
Anyway, she said she was going and didn't need my permission, saying it's because I don't trust her. I said to her that il go with her, what activity would they be doing that a lad couldn't, especially her own BF. It's just drinking and shopping..... At this point she was in a group chat with her mates and so I asked her to give me a good reason why I can't go and a lassie in there said ' the lads had their own holiday so why can't we', well that didn't include me so wasn't accepted as a reason. I have recently read the rest of the messages from the group and a friend who talked about the holiday to her and one girl in private was telling her that she shouldn't let me win and I don't trust her. Well it's not about trust at all its about caring for her.
The conversation finished with me saying that I'm just going to assume she isn't going and we can discuss it another time but she can make her choice now i've given her my thoughts on the matter.
So a few questions.....
Am I wrong in not wanting her to go without me?
She says everyone needs/have a 'girls' holiday. Do they?
If i let her go and something bad happens to her is it my fault?
Also any other thoughts are welcome
Scroll to see replies
okay so i think that:
No, you're not wrong, you're worried about her and it shows you care about her and its understandable as to why you'd be worried.
Yes, every girl/ most girls do go on girls holidays- its time for us lot to bond and spend time with eachother,
And no it wont be your fault- you said you've warned her, she knows you're not happy, but if she still wants to go, i think you should let her, its her choice at the end of the day. if anything happens (which i hope it doesnt) then it would be because of her descision, not yours.
I think you need to give her a bit of independance and let her learn the consequences of her actions- whether they are good ones or bad- thats the only way she'll learn
Youve gotta trust on her on this one
not sure if this wll help but its from another perspective i guess
No, you're not wrong, you're worried about her and it shows you care about her and its understandable as to why you'd be worried.
Yes, every girl/ most girls do go on girls holidays- its time for us lot to bond and spend time with eachother,
And no it wont be your fault- you said you've warned her, she knows you're not happy, but if she still wants to go, i think you should let her, its her choice at the end of the day. if anything happens (which i hope it doesnt) then it would be because of her descision, not yours.
I think you need to give her a bit of independance and let her learn the consequences of her actions- whether they are good ones or bad- thats the only way she'll learn
Youve gotta trust on her on this onenot sure if this wll help but its from another perspective i guess
(edited 7 years ago)
Ok so first of all I just want to say that this opinion is comming from a guy just to give you some context on what I am saying. I can understand exactly why you wouldnt agree to her going on holiday with out you there to look after her. Something bad happened before and you dont want that to happen again - cool thats fine...But you can always be there to protect her...you know what I mean? You have to let her make her own decisions and trust that she knows what she is doing. You said she got hurt pretty bad so I am sure she wouldnt want that to happen again so why would she want to go if there is even a chance of that happening?
As to your second question, as a male, I wouldnt know but I am sure they would want a girls holiday to enjoy themselves, I guess when men are around its not exactly the same is it?
If you let her go and sonething happens, is it your fault? No. Its not. You've told her you concerns and obviously you are going to be concerned because you care about her but it wouldnt be your fault if anything happened because you didnt cause it.
One question though, the girl who hurt her last time, is she going?
Anyways, if it were me in your position, i'd feel a simular way but I'd support her choice
Posted from TSR Mobile
As to your second question, as a male, I wouldnt know but I am sure they would want a girls holiday to enjoy themselves, I guess when men are around its not exactly the same is it?
If you let her go and sonething happens, is it your fault? No. Its not. You've told her you concerns and obviously you are going to be concerned because you care about her but it wouldnt be your fault if anything happened because you didnt cause it.
One question though, the girl who hurt her last time, is she going?
Anyways, if it were me in your position, i'd feel a simular way but I'd support her choice
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Jupiter-16
One question though, the girl who hurt her last time, is she going?
Anyways, if it were me in your position, i'd feel a simular way but I'd support her choice
Posted from TSR Mobile
One question though, the girl who hurt her last time, is she going?
Anyways, if it were me in your position, i'd feel a simular way but I'd support her choice
Posted from TSR Mobile
The one who did it isn't going, infact, it is a totally different set of friends. How about if she is hurt and comes back a huge mess mentally, I don't want to have to deal with that as I already am dealing with her fragile state due to her past. I think id just leave her which makes me sound like a dick.
Hi,
Without having shared the fact that her previous experience on a "girl's holiday" was a negative one, that greatly affected her, it would seem as if you don't trust her. I think your opinion on the matter was very understandable and only shows how much you care about her.
You're not wrong for not wanting her to go without you, especially with the memory of what happened before. she may think that because she is with a group of friends she is bound to be safe, especially if something (like before) kicks off as she'll have multiple people to protect her. But I see that if you go along with her, the level of her safety/ protection would increase. This is because you'd know your intentions are to keep her safe, to avoid anything similar happening to her again. It will probably ease any worry you have too.
As a girl myself, I do think all girls should have at least one holiday with a group of friends. Going away with friends gives you a chance to bond with each other more and "let your hair down". It's a lot different, going on holiday with friends to going to the "local club" with friends. She may understand where you're coming from with your reasoning, but you also should understand that there may be underlying reasons why she does not want you to go along. She might feel as if she's ruining the trip by bringing you along or feel as if she may not be able to have complete fun with her friends if she knows you'll be watching out for her safety all the time.
Even though she asked you about the trip, it is ultimately her decision as she is her own person. It would not be your fault if something happened to her because it was her decision to go with her friends and reject the thought of you going too. If you invited yourself along on the trip knowing full well that she didn't want you to go, it will cause problems between the two of you. I know it may be a silly question but would you rather cause problems in your relationship (that may or may not be fixable) or would you let her be independent and go on the trip, despite your worry. There is absolutely no guarantee that anything will even happen and the more you argue about it the worse the situation will become.
You both should come to a clear understanding where all thoughts and opinions are considered, even if they are disliked.
Hope I helped a little
Without having shared the fact that her previous experience on a "girl's holiday" was a negative one, that greatly affected her, it would seem as if you don't trust her. I think your opinion on the matter was very understandable and only shows how much you care about her.
You're not wrong for not wanting her to go without you, especially with the memory of what happened before. she may think that because she is with a group of friends she is bound to be safe, especially if something (like before) kicks off as she'll have multiple people to protect her. But I see that if you go along with her, the level of her safety/ protection would increase. This is because you'd know your intentions are to keep her safe, to avoid anything similar happening to her again. It will probably ease any worry you have too.
As a girl myself, I do think all girls should have at least one holiday with a group of friends. Going away with friends gives you a chance to bond with each other more and "let your hair down". It's a lot different, going on holiday with friends to going to the "local club" with friends. She may understand where you're coming from with your reasoning, but you also should understand that there may be underlying reasons why she does not want you to go along. She might feel as if she's ruining the trip by bringing you along or feel as if she may not be able to have complete fun with her friends if she knows you'll be watching out for her safety all the time.
Even though she asked you about the trip, it is ultimately her decision as she is her own person. It would not be your fault if something happened to her because it was her decision to go with her friends and reject the thought of you going too. If you invited yourself along on the trip knowing full well that she didn't want you to go, it will cause problems between the two of you. I know it may be a silly question but would you rather cause problems in your relationship (that may or may not be fixable) or would you let her be independent and go on the trip, despite your worry. There is absolutely no guarantee that anything will even happen and the more you argue about it the worse the situation will become.
You both should come to a clear understanding where all thoughts and opinions are considered, even if they are disliked.
Hope I helped a little
don't let her go. She's gonna **** another guy trust me
Original post by Anonymous
she will end up sucking dick for crack if you allow this
@CleverSquirrel @MissIntrov
Thank you both !
The fact is, her going is down to me. Only been dating since July/August but I know her. I know she won't go if I tell her 'I don't know how il feel when you get back'. But that's emotional blackmail right? She has said she can't bear to lose anyone else, especially me. I dont want her to go without me for her safety but Im also questioning the morality of giving her that ultimatum.
Thank you both !
The fact is, her going is down to me. Only been dating since July/August but I know her. I know she won't go if I tell her 'I don't know how il feel when you get back'. But that's emotional blackmail right? She has said she can't bear to lose anyone else, especially me. I dont want her to go without me for her safety but Im also questioning the morality of giving her that ultimatum.
Original post by SpicyItalian
@CleverSquirrel @MissIntrov
Thank you both !
The fact is, her going is down to me. Only been dating since July/August but I know her. I know she won't go if I tell her 'I don't know how il feel when you get back'. But that's emotional blackmail right? She has said she can't bear to lose anyone else, especially me. I dont want her to go without me for her safety but Im also questioning the morality of giving her that ultimatum.
Thank you both !
The fact is, her going is down to me. Only been dating since July/August but I know her. I know she won't go if I tell her 'I don't know how il feel when you get back'. But that's emotional blackmail right? She has said she can't bear to lose anyone else, especially me. I dont want her to go without me for her safety but Im also questioning the morality of giving her that ultimatum.
thats okay!
youve got to do what you feel is right...
but at the end of the day- if she's made up her mind of going- what will you do?
you cant emotionally blackmail her- it wont be right of you to do that, but what you could do is warn her of the conseqences?
Giving her an ultimatum would make things complicated...
listen, if you trust her, let her go. she knows youve warned her? i hate to say this but if anything does happen- you can say 'i told you so' - you've delt with her emtional trauma once, and you supported her right?
but there's only a number of times one can do that before giving up and moving on? do you get me?
Original post by CleverSquirrel
thats okay!
youve got to do what you feel is right...
but at the end of the day- if she's made up her mind of going- what will you do?
you cant emotionally blackmail her- it wont be right of you to do that, but what you could do is warn her of the conseqences?
Giving her an ultimatum would make things complicated...
listen, if you trust her, let her go. she knows youve warned her? i hate to say this but if anything does happen- you can say 'i told you so' - you've delt with her emtional trauma once, and you supported her right?
but there's only a number of times one can do that before giving up and moving on? do you get me?
youve got to do what you feel is right...
but at the end of the day- if she's made up her mind of going- what will you do?
you cant emotionally blackmail her- it wont be right of you to do that, but what you could do is warn her of the conseqences?
Giving her an ultimatum would make things complicated...
listen, if you trust her, let her go. she knows youve warned her? i hate to say this but if anything does happen- you can say 'i told you so' - you've delt with her emtional trauma once, and you supported her right?
but there's only a number of times one can do that before giving up and moving on? do you get me?
I've done nothing but support her yeah and without blowing my own trumpet since dating me nothing bad has happened to her and from what her friends/family have told me shes been the happiest shes been in years. But yeah I have warned her and I do think if she goes and something bad happens then il leave her, my only worry with this is that (and this may sound stupid) she will give up on life completely...... If that happened I know it would affect me, how could it not. I left her and she does something stupid.
If you're tired of supporting her then you gotta do whats best for you as well otherwise your staying in a relationship you dont truely want to be in and that is not fair on her as well as you
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by SpicyItalian
@CleverSquirrel @MissIntrov
Thank you both !
The fact is, her going is down to me. Only been dating since July/August but I know her. I know she won't go if I tell her 'I don't know how il feel when you get back'. But that's emotional blackmail right? She has said she can't bear to lose anyone else, especially me. I dont want her to go without me for her safety but Im also questioning the morality of giving her that ultimatum.
Thank you both !
The fact is, her going is down to me. Only been dating since July/August but I know her. I know she won't go if I tell her 'I don't know how il feel when you get back'. But that's emotional blackmail right? She has said she can't bear to lose anyone else, especially me. I dont want her to go without me for her safety but Im also questioning the morality of giving her that ultimatum.
You're welcome!
Yes, that is bordering on emotional blackmail. Even though your worry for her safety is evident and that is a good thing. Giving her that sort of ultimatum is not, it makes you seem a little controlling in a way. Wouldn't her happiness overrule your final decision? You not giving her your "blessing" will most likely make her unhappy. But you not even considering her going without you, even more so. You said it yourself, these set of friends are completely different to the last! So, there is no reason for similar events to occur.
Original post by ANM775
have you never watched those shows on ITV 2 showing what guys and girls get upto on these sorts of holidays?
and I'm going back around 15 years now, but have you never seen ITV's Club Reps????
and I'm going back around 15 years now, but have you never seen ITV's Club Reps????
Hahaha she's not the type to cheat
Original post by SpicyItalian
So a couple of weeks back she messaged me saying that she was pretty much going on a girls holiday to Zante and she asked if I was okay with it. (Not booked just lightly discussed, no details etc apart from location)
First of all, I will give my answer and then explain why and then tell you the key points to our conversation following my answer.
So I told her that no, I wasn't happy with it. My reason being is that before we started dating she went on a girls holiday with a different set of friends and while there she was beaten up badly by her best mate at the time. It was a completely random attack at their hotel. Anyway as I'm sure you can imagine it has had a huge effect on her, on top of her past, which before that wasn't great either. I just don't want this to happen again because it will destroy what is left of her. I know if I'm there it wont happen.
Anyway, she said she was going and didn't need my permission, saying it's because I don't trust her. I said to her that il go with her, what activity would they be doing that a lad couldn't, especially her own BF. It's just drinking and shopping..... At this point she was in a group chat with her mates and so I asked her to give me a good reason why I can't go and a lassie in there said ' the lads had their own holiday so why can't we', well that didn't include me so wasn't accepted as a reason. I have recently read the rest of the messages from the group and a friend who talked about the holiday to her and one girl in private was telling her that she shouldn't let me win and I don't trust her. Well it's not about trust at all its about caring for her.
The conversation finished with me saying that I'm just going to assume she isn't going and we can discuss it another time but she can make her choice now i've given her my thoughts on the matter.
So a few questions.....
Am I wrong in not wanting her to go without me?
She says everyone needs/have a 'girls' holiday. Do they?
If i let her go and something bad happens to her is it my fault?
Also any other thoughts are welcome
First of all, I will give my answer and then explain why and then tell you the key points to our conversation following my answer.
So I told her that no, I wasn't happy with it. My reason being is that before we started dating she went on a girls holiday with a different set of friends and while there she was beaten up badly by her best mate at the time. It was a completely random attack at their hotel. Anyway as I'm sure you can imagine it has had a huge effect on her, on top of her past, which before that wasn't great either. I just don't want this to happen again because it will destroy what is left of her. I know if I'm there it wont happen.
Anyway, she said she was going and didn't need my permission, saying it's because I don't trust her. I said to her that il go with her, what activity would they be doing that a lad couldn't, especially her own BF. It's just drinking and shopping..... At this point she was in a group chat with her mates and so I asked her to give me a good reason why I can't go and a lassie in there said ' the lads had their own holiday so why can't we', well that didn't include me so wasn't accepted as a reason. I have recently read the rest of the messages from the group and a friend who talked about the holiday to her and one girl in private was telling her that she shouldn't let me win and I don't trust her. Well it's not about trust at all its about caring for her.
The conversation finished with me saying that I'm just going to assume she isn't going and we can discuss it another time but she can make her choice now i've given her my thoughts on the matter.
So a few questions.....
Am I wrong in not wanting her to go without me?
She says everyone needs/have a 'girls' holiday. Do they?
If i let her go and something bad happens to her is it my fault?
Also any other thoughts are welcome
Am I wrong in not wanting her to go without me?
It's ok to miss someone and want to go, but its essentially like taking your mum on a day out. You arent wanted. Uts a girls holiday and you insist on making it difficult plus embarrassing her becayse you feel left out.
She says everyone needs/have a 'girls' holiday. Do they?
Clearly she does, but you are showing good signs you dont trust her. A relationship isnt a prison. You cna go on a lad holiday if you ask. To put down ultimatums and start ordering people about is a poor way to keep someone or show them you care.
If i let her go and something bad happens to her is it my fault?
Ofc it isnt. You arent god. You arent her dad. presumably she's an adult and is entitled to make decisions for herself without your permission.
Other points.
1. You said the act was random. That means it could jsut as much happen at home. Just tell her to be careful and dont get blund drunk or go out alone etc. Acoid repeating what happened last time.
2. You saying you will go, when you obviously arent invited is an embarrassment
3. Arguing over group chat and making her look bad wasnt cool. You should have kept it private.
4. You arent showing you care or trust , but you are controlling and mistrusting imo. let her go and wish her well for goodness sake.
5. The bit at the end made you look a prat in front of her friends. It was a very immature Ive made my mind up and go against me if you dare- sort of controlling/ sulking comment.
6. I found your reasons for her not hoing looked poor, were presented badly and didnt amount to much. You should think long term and whether you respect her to be able to make up her own mind. If she chooses not to go now she will resent you for it. You need to rethink how you will resolve this. Your approach so far has been terrible.
Original post by SpicyItalian
I've done nothing but support her yeah and without blowing my own trumpet since dating me nothing bad has happened to her and from what her friends/family have told me shes been the happiest shes been in years. But yeah I have warned her and I do think if she goes and something bad happens then il leave her, my only worry with this is that (and this may sound stupid) she will give up on life completely...... If that happened I know it would affect me, how could it not. I left her and she does something stupid.
well i hope she doesnt- dont stay in the relationship becasue you feel guilty about it- its unhealthy for you and her too.
hopefully nothing bad will happen... only think about breaking up with her if it does...
its not silly of you at all, because this not only has an effect on her but you too emotionally.... being there to support someone requires alot of mental strength if that makes sense?
youve both got to learn that these things happen in life- make-ups and break-ups happen all the time, lets be honest, is this the only relationship you're going to be in?
you learn from them to help you in the future
Original post by Miser101
GF you say...
Original post by SpicyItalian
@CleverSquirrel @MissIntrov
Thank you both !
The fact is, her going is down to me. Only been dating since July/August but I know her. I know she won't go if I tell her 'I don't know how il feel when you get back'. But that's emotional blackmail right? She has said she can't bear to lose anyone else, especially me. I dont want her to go without me for her safety but Im also questioning the morality of giving her that ultimatum.
Thank you both !
The fact is, her going is down to me. Only been dating since July/August but I know her. I know she won't go if I tell her 'I don't know how il feel when you get back'. But that's emotional blackmail right? She has said she can't bear to lose anyone else, especially me. I dont want her to go without me for her safety but Im also questioning the morality of giving her that ultimatum.
Sounds horrific and controlling. Go for it.
You're not wrong at all, you clearly care about her very much. I can understand why you may feel uncomfortable with her going, and how you feel if something bad does happen, you feel it will be your fault. All I can say is that if you have told her your thoughts on it and she clearly knows that your upset and worried about what could go wrong but she still wants to go. Let her go. Everyone has girl/guy holidays and even though you might not trust her completely. You have completely stated your opinion and there's no way that she can say you don't care.
I hope everything works out all right.
I hope everything works out all right.
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