Me and my boyfriend have never had sex...
Hi all, me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 months now and we’ve never had sex. He’s a very shy person, very timid and I know that it’s nothing personal to me and he feels shy as we tried once before and it didn’t work out. I just don’t know what to do to make him better - I’ve tried speaking about it and it never turns out to be a reasonable conversation as one of us always gets upset, I just want to know how to make him feel better. It’s not that sex is the most important thing to me because it’s not, I’d just like the intimate connection and to feel close. I’ve tried to reassure him that no matter what happens, I’ll always be here but I just don’t know what to do! I don’t want him to feel like I deserve better because even if I did, I don’t want that! Please can somebody give me some advice? Much appreciated, anon.
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girl ur missing out
You need to get him to do it and show hi, whats the real meaning of pleasure
Original post by Anonymous
Hi all, me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 months now and we’ve never had sex. He’s a very shy person, very timid and I know that it’s nothing personal to me and he feels shy as we tried once before and it didn’t work out. I just don’t know what to do to make him better - I’ve tried speaking about it and it never turns out to be a reasonable conversation as one of us always gets upset, I just want to know how to make him feel better. It’s not that sex is the most important thing to me because it’s not, I’d just like the intimate connection and to feel close. I’ve tried to reassure him that no matter what happens, I’ll always be here but I just don’t know what to do! I don’t want him to feel like I deserve better because even if I did, I don’t want that! Please can somebody give me some advice? Much appreciated, anon.
Doesn't seem like people are giving any meaningful advice here. As someone who's a boy and had the same feelings, I know what it's like and he probably feels incredibly guilty and insecure. Here are the things that made me feel better about intimacy (We broke up before we did anything but the principle still applies):
-Don't treat sex as an incredibly huge deal. Treat it as a special act of intimacy and be casual about it. Don't constantly ask questions etc, don't force anything
-Lots and lots of reassurance. In order for him to be comfortable, he needs to feel at home with you. You need to make him feel loved and relaxed. Initiate other physical acts and let it flow naturally. Be super loving and real with him throughout and hopefully that'll relax him. Compliments also work.
-Go SLOW! There's nothing wrong with lots of foreplay and taking things super slow. The slower and more affectionate things are, the more he will be relaxed as opposed to a sudden outburst. You also need to find out why he experiences the feelings he has. Is it insecurity? Nervousness? Confidence? Thinking he can't "perform"? For me, this is definitely one of the most effective. Just take your time, don't go in with an end goal in mind.
-One that I've heard works is being physically intimate and performing acts on him. This should relax him and possibly give him the confidence he needs.
Ultimately, it's a timely process. He may feel insignificant and not good enough, and you can help that by being casual about it, being super loving and making it clear that he can let his guard down with you. But he also needs to do the work and needs to help himself push out of that bubble.
-Don't treat sex as an incredibly huge deal. Treat it as a special act of intimacy and be casual about it. Don't constantly ask questions etc, don't force anything
-Lots and lots of reassurance. In order for him to be comfortable, he needs to feel at home with you. You need to make him feel loved and relaxed. Initiate other physical acts and let it flow naturally. Be super loving and real with him throughout and hopefully that'll relax him. Compliments also work.
-Go SLOW! There's nothing wrong with lots of foreplay and taking things super slow. The slower and more affectionate things are, the more he will be relaxed as opposed to a sudden outburst. You also need to find out why he experiences the feelings he has. Is it insecurity? Nervousness? Confidence? Thinking he can't "perform"? For me, this is definitely one of the most effective. Just take your time, don't go in with an end goal in mind.
-One that I've heard works is being physically intimate and performing acts on him. This should relax him and possibly give him the confidence he needs.
Ultimately, it's a timely process. He may feel insignificant and not good enough, and you can help that by being casual about it, being super loving and making it clear that he can let his guard down with you. But he also needs to do the work and needs to help himself push out of that bubble.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi all, me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 months now and we’ve never had sex. He’s a very shy person, very timid and I know that it’s nothing personal to me and he feels shy as we tried once before and it didn’t work out. I just don’t know what to do to make him better - I’ve tried speaking about it and it never turns out to be a reasonable conversation as one of us always gets upset, I just want to know how to make him feel better. It’s not that sex is the most important thing to me because it’s not, I’d just like the intimate connection and to feel close. I’ve tried to reassure him that no matter what happens, I’ll always be here but I just don’t know what to do! I don’t want him to feel like I deserve better because even if I did, I don’t want that! Please can somebody give me some advice? Much appreciated, anon.
Original post by JunJun08
Doesn't seem like people are giving any meaningful advice here. As someone who's a boy and had the same feelings, I know what it's like and he probably feels incredibly guilty and insecure. Here are the things that made me feel better about intimacy (We broke up before we did anything but the principle still applies):
-Don't treat sex as an incredibly huge deal. Treat it as a special act of intimacy and be casual about it. Don't constantly ask questions etc, don't force anything
-Lots and lots of reassurance. In order for him to be comfortable, he needs to feel at home with you. You need to make him feel loved and relaxed. Initiate other physical acts and let it flow naturally. Be super loving and real with him throughout and hopefully that'll relax him. Compliments also work.
-Go SLOW! There's nothing wrong with lots of foreplay and taking things super slow. The slower and more affectionate things are, the more he will be relaxed as opposed to a sudden outburst. You also need to find out why he experiences the feelings he has. Is it insecurity? Nervousness? Confidence? Thinking he can't "perform"? For me, this is definitely one of the most effective. Just take your time, don't go in with an end goal in mind.
-One that I've heard works is being physically intimate and performing acts on him. This should relax him and possibly give him the confidence he needs.
Ultimately, it's a timely process. He may feel insignificant and not good enough, and you can help that by being casual about it, being super loving and making it clear that he can let his guard down with you. But he also needs to do the work and needs to help himself push out of that bubble.
-Don't treat sex as an incredibly huge deal. Treat it as a special act of intimacy and be casual about it. Don't constantly ask questions etc, don't force anything
-Lots and lots of reassurance. In order for him to be comfortable, he needs to feel at home with you. You need to make him feel loved and relaxed. Initiate other physical acts and let it flow naturally. Be super loving and real with him throughout and hopefully that'll relax him. Compliments also work.
-Go SLOW! There's nothing wrong with lots of foreplay and taking things super slow. The slower and more affectionate things are, the more he will be relaxed as opposed to a sudden outburst. You also need to find out why he experiences the feelings he has. Is it insecurity? Nervousness? Confidence? Thinking he can't "perform"? For me, this is definitely one of the most effective. Just take your time, don't go in with an end goal in mind.
-One that I've heard works is being physically intimate and performing acts on him. This should relax him and possibly give him the confidence he needs.
Ultimately, it's a timely process. He may feel insignificant and not good enough, and you can help that by being casual about it, being super loving and making it clear that he can let his guard down with you. But he also needs to do the work and needs to help himself push out of that bubble.
Yes but it sounds like she has tried some of those ideas. From the description she gave of him it sounds like he shouldn't really even be in a relationship because there is a lot of work he needs to be doing on himself. It is actually his responsibility to stop getting upset when she brings up the subject or even tries to have sex with him. He needs to take responsibility and go for counselling which will at least show that he is actually willing to solve his problems because, in truth ,his real problems are probably nothing to do with sex!
Mhm, I definitely see where you're coming from, but from my experience, the problem can very much be linked to sex in particular. He needs to work on himself but there are two possibilities here. Either there's a genuine emotional/mental health problem linked to an experience he's had or something that goes beyond sex/intimacy, or he's generally massively underconfident and insecure about sex itself and puts up defences. If it's the latter, there is most definitely potential to fix it - I managed to! But it requires cooperation from him and if he cannot do that or is making no progress then I agree, maybe she shouldn't be in a relationship with him.
You can't say much though, we don't know what his reasons are or who he is :/
You can't say much though, we don't know what his reasons are or who he is :/
Original post by mgi
Yes but it sounds like she has tried some of those ideas. From the description she gave of him it sounds like he shouldn't really even be in a relationship because there is a lot of work he needs to be doing on himself. It is actually his responsibility to stop getting upset when she brings up the subject or even tries to have sex with him. He needs to take responsibility and go for counselling which will at least show that he is actually willing to solve his problems because, in truth ,his real problems are probably nothing to do with sex!
Original post by JunJun08
Mhm, I definitely see where you're coming from, but from my experience, the problem can very much be linked to sex in particular. He needs to work on himself but there are two possibilities here. Either there's a genuine emotional/mental health problem linked to an experience he's had or something that goes beyond sex/intimacy, or he's generally massively underconfident and insecure about sex itself and puts up defences. If it's the latter, there is most definitely potential to fix it - I managed to! But it requires cooperation from him and if he cannot do that or is making no progress then I agree, maybe she shouldn't be in a relationship with him.
You can't say much though, we don't know what his reasons are or who he is :/
You can't say much though, we don't know what his reasons are or who he is :/
Yes. I agree.
I'm trying to get inside the head of a young man that's been in a loving relationship for 10 months and isn't gagging at the bit to have sex????
I can't do it. I can't imagine what he's thinking and feeling.
The only case I've come across like this was with a lad on my floor in my halls of residence. I knew he was gay the first time I met him. He had a "girlfriend" from the floor above for 6 months. They were inseperable. Most, possibly all, of the students on my floor thought he wasn't gay. He came out of the closet during the Spring term. She was devastated.
A gay man turning down sex with his "girlfriend" for 10 months. That I can understand.
A heterosexual man. That I can't understand.
Sorry, I probably haven't been much help. This is probably one of those things that you will need to work out between the 2 of you. One way or the other. What happens when you try sexual activities that don't involve putting his penis inside your vagina?
I can't do it. I can't imagine what he's thinking and feeling.
The only case I've come across like this was with a lad on my floor in my halls of residence. I knew he was gay the first time I met him. He had a "girlfriend" from the floor above for 6 months. They were inseperable. Most, possibly all, of the students on my floor thought he wasn't gay. He came out of the closet during the Spring term. She was devastated.
A gay man turning down sex with his "girlfriend" for 10 months. That I can understand.
A heterosexual man. That I can't understand.
Sorry, I probably haven't been much help. This is probably one of those things that you will need to work out between the 2 of you. One way or the other. What happens when you try sexual activities that don't involve putting his penis inside your vagina?
I have been very reluctant to having sex in relationships as well, mainly because I lacked confidence.
What you have to make him realise is there is no rush, some people take a year or two before they have sex, you really have to think about it in the long run, whether you'll continue to stay with him and love him without the intimacy until he is ready is down to you.
You need to go slow, wait for him to get more comfortable around you, and communicate, communication is so important let him know that it's okay for him to tell you stuff what he wants and what he doesn't want, make sure it doesn't end up as an argument just make sure you respect his decisions and when stuff bothers you just communicate and talk it all out, it stops you from bottling up your frustration.
Make him feel special and confident, compliment him as well make him smile,
There is no rush at all so long as both of you love each other and want to have sex shouldn't matter when you decide to, just go slow and go with the flow, patience is key
What you have to make him realise is there is no rush, some people take a year or two before they have sex, you really have to think about it in the long run, whether you'll continue to stay with him and love him without the intimacy until he is ready is down to you.
You need to go slow, wait for him to get more comfortable around you, and communicate, communication is so important let him know that it's okay for him to tell you stuff what he wants and what he doesn't want, make sure it doesn't end up as an argument just make sure you respect his decisions and when stuff bothers you just communicate and talk it all out, it stops you from bottling up your frustration.
Make him feel special and confident, compliment him as well make him smile,
There is no rush at all so long as both of you love each other and want to have sex shouldn't matter when you decide to, just go slow and go with the flow, patience is key
(edited 4 years ago)
If he isn’t too confident then it’s probably due to your physical interaction w him besides the sex. If he’s comfortable w kisses and hugs then that’s fine. If he doesn’t gag at the chance of putting his schlong in a vagjna then there’s gotta be suen wrong. Relationships at the teenage age are tender, you wanna do new sh and experience sex.
He just needs his confidence built up. Don’t rush or force things bc you don’t want your emotional connection w him to decompose bc of certain things like this. Just show you’re confident and you’re fine w everything, reassure him, compliment him, make him feel he’s good enough to fxck you. It’s hard to be in his shoes a boy bc boys are the ones who are usually tempted but he is probably extremely shy.
Just keep things slow, don’t rush and keep going. One good thing is that he isn’t gagging for your vagina 24/7 w his horny ass. Maybe his innocence is a good thing, stay young and enjoy these years as a youthful teenager. The time will come, everyone has contrasting behavioural changes and emotions, maybe he’s real late bloomer. Gl.
He just needs his confidence built up. Don’t rush or force things bc you don’t want your emotional connection w him to decompose bc of certain things like this. Just show you’re confident and you’re fine w everything, reassure him, compliment him, make him feel he’s good enough to fxck you. It’s hard to be in his shoes a boy bc boys are the ones who are usually tempted but he is probably extremely shy.
Just keep things slow, don’t rush and keep going. One good thing is that he isn’t gagging for your vagina 24/7 w his horny ass. Maybe his innocence is a good thing, stay young and enjoy these years as a youthful teenager. The time will come, everyone has contrasting behavioural changes and emotions, maybe he’s real late bloomer. Gl.
Uh, it's been 10 months, not 5 years. No problems, just be a bit patient.
You could spice things up by making your own video.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi all, me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 months now and we’ve never had sex. He’s a very shy person, very timid and I know that it’s nothing personal to me and he feels shy as we tried once before and it didn’t work out. I just don’t know what to do to make him better - I’ve tried speaking about it and it never turns out to be a reasonable conversation as one of us always gets upset, I just want to know how to make him feel better. It’s not that sex is the most important thing to me because it’s not, I’d just like the intimate connection and to feel close. I’ve tried to reassure him that no matter what happens, I’ll always be here but I just don’t know what to do! I don’t want him to feel like I deserve better because even if I did, I don’t want that! Please can somebody give me some advice? Much appreciated, anon.
Original post by TheFinnishQueen
You could spice things up by making your own video.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
I'm trying to get inside the head of a young man that's been in a loving relationship for 10 months and isn't gagging at the bit to have sex????
I can't do it. I can't imagine what he's thinking and feeling.
The only case I've come across like this was with a lad on my floor in my halls of residence. I knew he was gay the first time I met him. He had a "girlfriend" from the floor above for 6 months. They were inseperable. Most, possibly all, of the students on my floor thought he wasn't gay. He came out of the closet during the Spring term. She was devastated.
A gay man turning down sex with his "girlfriend" for 10 months. That I can understand.
A heterosexual man. That I can't understand.
Sorry, I probably haven't been much help. This is probably one of those things that you will need to work out between the 2 of you. One way or the other. What happens when you try sexual activities that don't involve putting his penis inside your vagina?
I can't do it. I can't imagine what he's thinking and feeling.
The only case I've come across like this was with a lad on my floor in my halls of residence. I knew he was gay the first time I met him. He had a "girlfriend" from the floor above for 6 months. They were inseperable. Most, possibly all, of the students on my floor thought he wasn't gay. He came out of the closet during the Spring term. She was devastated.
A gay man turning down sex with his "girlfriend" for 10 months. That I can understand.
A heterosexual man. That I can't understand.
Sorry, I probably haven't been much help. This is probably one of those things that you will need to work out between the 2 of you. One way or the other. What happens when you try sexual activities that don't involve putting his penis inside your vagina?
He could be gay or he could just have an emotional block about sex. Another possibility is that he has been abused in some way or it could just be simple performance anxiety. There are a number of possibilities but the OP can’t do anything if he isn’t completely open with her. Maybe he can’t even be open with himself at this stage.
Maybe he isn't a very sexual person. I've seen a lot of people come to realise that while they may be romantically attracted to someone, they turn out to be asexual and don't like the idea.
There are also asexuals that will do it to please a partner and might even enjoy it, but not desire it themselves.
Or maybe he just isn't comfortable yet, in which case you can listen to the other advice here as it isn't anywhere near my area.
There are also asexuals that will do it to please a partner and might even enjoy it, but not desire it themselves.
Or maybe he just isn't comfortable yet, in which case you can listen to the other advice here as it isn't anywhere near my area.
Original post by JunJun08
Mhm, I definitely see where you're coming from, but from my experience, the problem can very much be linked to sex in particular. He needs to work on himself but there are two possibilities here. Either there's a genuine emotional/mental health problem linked to an experience he's had or something that goes beyond sex/intimacy, or he's generally massively underconfident and insecure about sex itself and puts up defences. If it's the latter, there is most definitely potential to fix it - I managed to! But it requires cooperation from him and if he cannot do that or is making no progress then I agree, maybe she shouldn't be in a relationship with him.
You can't say much though, we don't know what his reasons are or who he is :/
You can't say much though, we don't know what his reasons are or who he is :/
I’ve spoke to him and he says that he’s just nervous, whilst he wants to have sex with me really bad when we’ve previously tried he’s been that nervous that it never worked out (I feel really bad for him as it must be so annoying!) but he’s only slept with 2 people and they were both when drunk, I’m his first girlfriend and I am being patient with him, I love him very much he makes me feel so happy and that’s without sex, I have performed things on him such as oral and just a hand job and he’s ejaculated and stuff but he just worries in case he can’t give me what I ‘deserve’. I mean, it must be horrible for him and people saying that I’m missing out and to get rid, I understand they may feel like that but me personally, I love him too much. Sex isn’t everything it would just be nice to have a bit more intimacy, you know?
How is his oral on you coming along? If he's getting better and better at pleasing you, I don't think there's anything for him or you to worry about here.
I’ve only performed oral on him, he’s not performed it on me although he has fingered me before. I think we’ll get there, guess I just gotta be patient. Thanks for your help and for sharing your story
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
How is his oral on you coming along? If he's getting better and better at pleasing you, I don't think there's anything for him or you to worry about here.
I see where you're coming from! You're a really nice girlfriend and you're being super patient He will 110% come round eventually. Start with little things, and make sure you really show him how much he pleases you and how much you desire him - that will help with his self-esteem issues. Good luck!
He will 110% come round eventually. Start with little things, and make sure you really show him how much he pleases you and how much you desire him - that will help with his self-esteem issues. Good luck! Original post by Anonymous
I’ve spoke to him and he says that he’s just nervous, whilst he wants to have sex with me really bad when we’ve previously tried he’s been that nervous that it never worked out (I feel really bad for him as it must be so annoying!) but he’s only slept with 2 people and they were both when drunk, I’m his first girlfriend and I am being patient with him, I love him very much he makes me feel so happy and that’s without sex, I have performed things on him such as oral and just a hand job and he’s ejaculated and stuff but he just worries in case he can’t give me what I ‘deserve’. I mean, it must be horrible for him and people saying that I’m missing out and to get rid, I understand they may feel like that but me personally, I love him too much. Sex isn’t everything it would just be nice to have a bit more intimacy, you know?
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