im sorry to hear about that, maybe you can support your mum in her education, this will help her get her mind off of things and also she may make a few friends since theres alot of mature students now which will help her feel good.
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My Dad died...What should I do? watch
- 09-04-2011 19:47
(Original post by purplebelette)
- 09-04-2011 19:48
My Dad died a month ago and my whole life is changing, but the person I feel the worst for is my mum. She is a housewife and has three children, we have no income now, but that is the least of my problems because my Dad had life insurance and stuff.
But I was talking to her and she told me that her life was over and she is only 42, she said that she thought he would be with her forever and when I told her that we would be there she said only for a few years.
She feels as though her whole life has ended and that when we leave she will be all alone, with no goals or anything to look forward to. She is going to go back to school and do some training to get a job, but she won't get very far after not working for twenty years
What can I do to make her feel better, I can look at the positives for me, but what are they for her?
on a more serious note, don't leave your mother alone, EVER, a widower I know was put on suicide watch so hide the knives and the pills..Last edited by The-Real-One; 09-04-2011 at 19:50.
- 09-04-2011 19:49
My dad died too when I was younger. My mum is on drugs now though, because there isn't much you can do. It takes a long time to get over something like that. Just be a good daughter and help her out as much as possible.
(Original post by purplebelette)
- 09-04-2011 19:52
I would love to, but we don't have the money for that anymore, but that was a really lovely idea
Or you could just go on the ferry to Normandy in the summer for a few days?
Isle of Man?
Dorset and Devon?
Hell, just find a peaceful beach somewhere before tourist season really kicks in and talk with your mum about what you're both going through. I've always found the sea immensely relaxing. A holiday would really just be a more relaxing environment for you to help your mum come to terms with the loss of someone so close to her.Last edited by Aphotic Cosmos; 09-04-2011 at 19:54.
- Thread Starter
- 09-04-2011 19:53
Thanks to everyone who answered, I would love for my mum to try and meet someone, but she says that she wants no one else. I guess time will tell what is to come, I shall try and do some nice things for her...
- 09-04-2011 19:58
Just be there for her, support her, there is nothing much you can do...
She (and obviously you and your siblings) just faced a terrible loss....
Only time will lessen the wound...
Just keep supporting her..
- 11-04-2011 21:43
Hi, I only joined this JUST to respond. I completely understand how it must feel. My dad just died 3 weeks ago all of a sudden. My mum isn't taking it badly though, she's just got on with things to take her mind off of it. I would suggest you try and get your mum to do the same. Try to keep her active so she hardly has time to sit and think about how much she's hurting. She needs to remember she has all of you there for her and that's one of the things she needs to live for. To live and see her children grow because your dad can't do that any more.
Yeah I took it badly, I cried hysterically when I found out my dad was dying and I broke down when I had to say goodbye at the funeral which was only on Friday but I have to get on with life. I'm constantly told dad's greatest joy was seeing me go to university, so now I HAVE to do well just so he can continue being proud of me. I know my dad wouldn't want us crying over him or being depressed, and I doubt yours would too. He wouldn't want it to be the end for your mum, I'm sure he would want her to live her life to the fullest and try and remind her that. You have to continue life so you can continue making him proud. That's what I'm going to do.
By the way sorry for the long post. I just feel strongly about this for obvious reasons.
My friend quoted from the film 'The Crow'
‘If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever.’
Please, remember, he will stay alive through your memories. As I've told everyone, it's okay to laugh and smile at my dad's memories, I hope your family can do the same.
- 11-04-2011 23:14
The same thing happened with me.. my mum was 47 when my dad died and after 27 years of marriage she pretty much thought that was it for her. The one thing she did do was keep busy.. she did everything she could to make sure she wasn't sat around feeling sorry for herself - she took spanish lessons, took up people's offers of coffee and meet ups even though sometimes she felt like she was a burden, kept busy in the garden etc. I left for uni a couple of years after he died and I felt guilty as hell but me putting off my future wouldn't have done either of us any good.
Best advice I can give you is to encourage her to keep herself busy, and to talk to someone about how she feels. Eventually she'll get her own life and things will be much easier. Almost 7 years on my mum's with a new man and has just moved to live by the seaside.
Time is a great healer, as much of a cliché that is.
- 11-04-2011 23:25
You're a good daughter. I'd be too lost in my grief to even think about my mum. This is going to sound really dumb but your thread has just hit home so many thinhs for me: a few months ago my dad suffered from a stroke, our only source of income was lost he required full time care, he has changed as a person completely and my mum has had to deal with the brunt of it. I know that is nothinh compared to your situation but I was a **** to them both during this period.
I am so sorry for what has happened to you. All I can pffer you is the fact that your father was a huge part of your mums life and naturally it os traumatic to have that torn away from you. You have to give her time. There is no other remedy. It will be a defining phase and experience of her life and nothing will compare to it. You are a great daughter already for your thoughts, just give her the space to grieve and do what you can to help her accept his death and build her life up. You do not have to distract her or force her to face any hard facts (like I did with mine), he was her other half, her husband. She has every right to grieve until she find herself.
I don't think i'm helping much but I sincerely hope you and your family find peace and happiness. Good luck!!
- 11-04-2011 23:26
Sorry for your loss. Maybe take her out for a meal or something?
- 11-04-2011 23:31
Maybe it's a really stupid suggestion but perhaps she could get a pet. If she doesn't already have one. And if you have enough money.
Or you know, a garden or a project or something.
Something to invest new love into so that it isn't like everything is just over. A pet is of huge comfort to some people.
I haven't been through the loss of a parent (so I really wouldn't know anything) but a close friend I have, her mother is a widow. A few years now. She isn't remarried or dating or anything but she is still a happy woman (my point is that you don't always need a romantic partner, not that there is anything wrong with it, to be happy). I think she spends time with her family and with people in her community.
Does your mum have any family she could be close with at this time? Maybe there are widow clubs or something, where she could share with other bereaved people.
Umm also I guess make sure she knows it is not abnormal or a failure for her to be grieving at this time. And also for yourself.
I'm really sorry for your loss x
- 11-04-2011 23:35
It's a shame for someone like your mum to be in a circumstance like that at her age. I suppose her reaction right now is probably normal. Best thing you can do is just be there for each other and comfort her. Also maybe try and tell her that although she has lost her husband she does need to move on, as that is no doubt what your dad would want her to do. Obviously i don't mean tell her to start dating people straight away, but she needs to find something to fill the void as it were. Perhaps a hobby or a get a job, just something so she can feel she can move on with her life despite her husband not being there.
I know I might sound a bit cliche in what I have said, but it does work on the most part.
Good luck op, and keep your chin up.
EDIT: I forgot to mention the reason I know this works is because my gran was in the same situation when she was your mums age. And she was left with 5 kids. Again luckly my grandad had insurance so money wasn't a problem, but she still felt helpless. Apparently she was in a rut for a good 5 months until and just couldn't do anything because she was so sad. Eventually my one of my grandads mates had to help her, and he offered her a job at his petrol station and she agreed. Apprently she said it was one of the best decisions she had ever made. Once she started working she felt she could be independent and do things and move on with her life. Obviously it took her a long time to get over her husbands death, and she never really got over it, but she eventually coped with it and accepted it.Last edited by U.S Lecce; 11-04-2011 at 23:45.
- 12-04-2011 11:10
My dad also passed away and i think doing little things to help your mom will be good like cook her dinner and make sure the house is clean things like that.