AITA? My sister told me it was my fault our dad is dying...

During the 2020 lockdown I stayed with my parents as they are elderly to help them (mainly my dad who is in his mid-70's, mother in her 60s). My dad has has a lung disease (fibrosis) which was diagnosed 10 years prior and is on medication. This disease slowly progresses can causes scarring in his lungs. I'm in my mid-20s, single, and have 4 older siblings (who are much older than me, moved out with their own houses/kids etc.). It was imperative that my dad does not catch covid, as it specifically affects the lungs, and at this point I wasn't even leaving the house AT ALL of course. During this time I mainly did everything like the shopping etc, making sure my parents didn't have to go out. I took them to get their covid vaccine shots and did everything in my power to make sure they are safe.

During the summer of 2021 I wanted to move out because it had been a year and I had to get on with my life, which would mean me going out for work etc and if I did catch covid, there is a high chance I would pass it onto my parents and my vulnerable father and if anything happened I would be blamed by everything. They basically, mainly my mom, said no. Basically guilting me into still helping them. I was fine helping them until this point but I made it clear if I catch covid I will most likely pass it onto them. My mother is incredibly narcissistic and unstable and my father in an enabler. It is not easy living with them.

Everything was fine until September 2021. In my country everything had been opening up and we were told it was relatively safe to go out. One day I needed to go out to the city. I wore my mask and did all the precautions. At this point I was not vaccinated as it had just been rolled out to my age group, but I was also apprehensive to take it and didn't really want to as from the evidence I didn't feel it stops it from spreading it to someone else and there were also heart issues of the vaccine taken in young people. Inevitably I caught covid, passed it onto my parents. My mom and I were fine but my father was hospitalised (this usually happens even with the flu). Obviously I felt incredibly guilty and I thought he was going to die. During this whole time my siblings had not helped one bit. I had to do everything. Once my dad was in hospital I was doing all of the trips back and forth, bringing him food etc. My mom can't speak English or drive. After he recovered from covid he required a small dose of oxygen 24/7 due to the damage covid had done. He was relatively the same as before though, just more breathless. But I was still at home taking care of him.

For giving my dad covid I was *****ed on by all of my siblings because I wasn't vaccinated and I caught covid and gave it to my dad. My brothers and sisters were vaccinated, but they still caught covid multiple times. But they live in their own houses so they were able to live normally because covid wouldn't affect them and also didn't have to worry about passing it onto anyone.In July 2022, my father had a blood clot (which was apparently due to catching covid, but idk if it was from the vaccine either). This weakened him immensely and I had to quite my job and care full time for him. He had also started new medication at the start of 2022 which gave him awful side effects and weight loss.

I took my dad to get the flu shot in September 2022. He caught the flu from my brother in December 2022 as my brother went on holiday (something I hadn't been able to do in years) and decided to pay my dad a visit the day after he got back. I stayed with my father 24/7 for a week in the hospital during this time because my mom has also caught it from him and was at home in bed. But my brother wasn't blamed at all for this.

Recently my father has had a bout of chest infections and is quite weak. The doctors have basically said he has 3-6 months left. My sister, who is 40, told me today 'its your fault his life got shortened'.

I didn't give him covid on purpose. I tried my best to keep him safe. The only reason he caught it was because I went out that day and I was living with him. At this point almost everyone I know caught covid. I wanted to move out to avoid all this but apparently these conversations about wanting to move out don't matter now/forgotten about. I really don't think it's fair for my sister to say this to me. I am the one doing EVERYTHING to help them whilst they do nothing and point and criticise me. They have been able to go on holidays and see my dad once in a while when it suits them. They can catch covid with no repercussions. They are older than me, have money and are more advanced in their careers/life. My father is elderly with a lung disease. I'm the one taking out his pee, bringing him food, caring for him 24/7. Its so hard physically and emotionally. AITA for giving my father covid?

Reply 1

Muttly

What a sad situation. You have older siblings who have washed their hands of any responsibilities toward your Mum and Dad and probably use that excuse - we can't visit because of Covid. Ignore their 'bleatings' If they had any backbone they would have said 'thank you for looking after Mum and Dad"

Can I reassure you, you have no control over the life expectancy of another human being (unless you murder them or withhold any care whatsoever) If your Dad dies or lives is not down to you. That is down to his own DNA not you so forget what others want you to believe. They say it to control you or make you feel so bad you will be compliant and obedient.

Your Mum and your Dad are still quite able to organise their lives and decide what they wish to do. Its selfish to expect another family member to take on the responsibilities of being a sole carer, just for their own benefit. They are not incapable of making their own arrangements and looking after themselves. You just make excuses for them - be aware when this happens and ask why you are falling into a habit of accepting this as 'your expected life'

How long are you going to put your life on hold, keep shackled to the home and be subservient to every one in your family who says - do this, do that, blah blah blah? How many years are you prepared to give? They could live till they are ninety.

So work at becoming self sufficient, get a job, study. You only have a finite time. Why waste your life staying inside a self imposed prison of four walls with an ungrateful family? What are you waiting for? Use this time wisely to think about what you want to study, what you want to do and make plans for your self. Talk to professional at school, college, Uni's. Explain what you are going to do. Tell all of your Brothers and Sisters and just go and do it. If you don't ever have the courage to try and trust others away from your family how are you going to know what you are ever capable of? You carry on till you are 50 / 60 years old, and have sacrificed it all for Mum and Dad - then what?

Believe in yourself. Stop being bullied by your family with guilt trips and go and speak to someone at school or college to get some support.

I would urge you to take every vaccination on offer in the UK, then take sensible precautions such as hand washing and avoiding very hot steamy crowded environments for hours on end. Generally the risk assessments made by UK scientists take into account side effects or other contra indications. Death is very close to the next breath for all of us and if you take advantage of all of the vaccinations that have been produced and refined over the past 50 to 60 years you cannot say you haven't been educated to know why you should take them all. If you have any doubts or medical concerns discuss it with a pharmacist or medical practitioner at your health centre.