I need another opinion...end of relationship

Nobody is going to read this...

I don't know what to do. I have exams in two months. And I am so confused. I can't concentrate at all. I've already taken a year out because of this guy and I don't want to mess up again, but I am so confused.
I'm sacred that if I wait til after my exams he would have moved on by then...I miss him like crazy and I can't stop loving him. I just don't know whether I should try again or cut my losses and try and move on.
I feel like I am going mad. I've changed so much that I can't even take a joke anymore. I don't know what to do. I know things were bad, unfair in this relationship, so why can I not let go. Why am I still trying to hold hold.
When he is is nice, he is so sweet. But when he's angry I can't stand it.
I want to know where all my self esteem has gone? Why I let him control my emotions so much. Is that love? If i should just go back to him and try and work on it together?

(I needed to vent hence the long message sorry)

i recently (a month ago) got out of a long distance relationship, after 2 and a half years. My bf/ex was working in the states for the whole of our relationship. It was my first relationship, and wasn't at all planned, we just kind of clicked. At the beggining of our relationship we kind of wanted to see how things went especially with the distance, but at the same time we were very interested in each other. (after having been friends for about a year, we felt we had got to know each other pretty well).
As he first left to go back to the states, I ended up going out and kissing a random guy whilst intoxicated. It was a mistake and was purely because I was talking to the guy about how much I was missing my bf, (not excusing myself)....I told my bf straightaway, as soon as I had got home from my night out. He was upset understandably, and he said he needed time to think about it. So I gave him time. I was in love with him by then that I couldn't believe I did.
Anyways, so he got back to me after a while and he said that he was willing to carry on. At this point he also confessed an indiscretion. The day he landed (a month ago) he had slept with another woman. He was just waiting for the right time to tell me. At which point I was crushed. I forgave him. He blamed it on the fact that we were seeing how things were gonna go between us.
So eventually we moved on from there. And We carried on somehow.
Being with him meant a lot to me, because it was the first time I had opened up to any guy. We began to get intimate (over Skype etc) and after the first day after we spiced things up he got a phone call from his ex in the morning before work. They ended up having phone sex. And this time he told me straight away. I was again devesatated even more so cos I had just been intimate with him in my eyes. and even more so because when he said he still talked to his ex, although I found it weird, (since they had broken up years ago, and he had admitted that if he was ever alone with her he would sleep with her) I still trusted him.
I was so caught up in the relationship that I forgave him again. I told him I loved him and that I wanted to continue. By then I had told my mum and family about the relationship. And he had told his family. So I felt somewhat like I had to try.
I still showered him with love and him to me too. He was always nice and called me pet names, bought me things etc. always cared about my safety etc. it was difficult since it was
Longne distance.mhe visited every couple of months which was exciting and kept us alive.
But things were different, in between all his trips and visits we fought a lot about the people we talked to. He thought I flirted a lot whereas in my eyes I was just being friendly. I couldn't proclaim anyone was good looking guy becausenhe'd get jealous or need reassurance, but he could. And when I pointed out such double standards he'd say things like "yeah but you can take it...and I show you how much you mean to me (cos he compliments me more than I compliment him)"
Sometimes I just wanted to scream. Cos I'd go out and he'd ask me as hundred and one questions but I always felt like if I asked him I was prying. I didn't want to be the needy, paranoid gf.
We had our fair share of good times.
But afteer a while we started arguing everyday. It was like I had no. Reaching space. I had to tell him when I left the house, when I came home, updates when I was out. He said its because he cares about my safety. And when I asked for the same in return, he would oblige, but when he goes out in the evenings because of the time difference I'd be asleep, so he said there ws no point. Which I do understand but at the same time I'd be awake by the time he comes home so I didn't see it as me being irrational. I wanted to know if he got home okay too.
Eventually he got to a point where he organised my surprise21st birthday and got me 21 presents even though he couldn't be there. He was thoughtful. He did care. But in my eyes i did t care about the gifts, I felt like I was being smothered, that sometimes its alright for me to go out to my cousins house without having to talk to him for few hours and being accused of forgetting him. But he always defended it as long distance relationships of needed a lot of work. That I don't showmhalf the commitment he does. That I don't care about him as much as he does. Hed message me even if he is out. And he'll tell me how all his friends tell him to put the phone away and stop talking to me, but he chooses me over them. But I never asked him to yet somehow I ended up being grateful for it.

Over the two years, our relationship changed..,I went from being a confident out going girl. To an emotional wreck. I cried every time we had an argument. Shall the time I didn't know why. I took a year out at Uni because I was just so stressed. I could t study for my exams because I'd be constantly fighting with him over the phone. And when I told him I had to study, he'd call me cold hearted for being able to walk away and not care. Of course I cared, because most of the time I'd just sit there not doing any work. I just needed to get away from him shouting and sweating down the phone, telling me that I'm acting dumb (not calling me dumb....but apparently I act dumb, his explanation), that I'm immature, that I don't care about his feelings and needs.

W,e've been on a lot of breaks and each time we've both promised to change. And it's never worked. He's 7yrs older than me and been in 4 previous relationships.

Eventually it got to a point were I never told him how I felt, I just accepted blame for everything. That he was right. I wouldn't bla e him if he left. And he always said he'd ne er leave me because he loves me. He sees his future with me.

So things got worse..my paranoia kicked in, and I started behaving like him. Whenever he talked to a girl, I'd pick up on little lines like he used to do to me, and he always had an excuse....that all the girls he talks to know about me and where I stand in his life. But I never put anyone in there place hence why he questions me and ,y comittment to him.

I was a wreck. I questioned him relentlessly. Because he started to hanging out with a lot of women. Hed have five women come over and he'd cook for them and he'd be the only guy. And one of them would stay the night in the living room. This particular girl being someone he thinks highly of, someone who he gets along with more then me I'd say, someone who has more in common with him,debates with him, has fun with him....so obviously it was fuelling my paranoia. But this girl was in a relationship. I don't believe anything happened between them, it's just the way he spoke about her made me jealous....it made me want to be her, especially since I was not around him, and she was. There ws one conversation where he told me that addressing someone with "hey stranger" was flirty....so I stopped saying it to please him....yet when I was skyping him, this girl calls him and he answers the phone with "hey stranger".....yet in his eyes he's not flirting, because she knows all about me and how much he loves me. I've never questioned how much he loves me....just the equality...

He listened to me and distanced himself form these girls, but eventually in anger during another argument he said that he did that for me and I dont appreciate it. He doesn't understand why I wouldn't trust him. Why I'm so paranoid. and every time I asked him why he never trusted me. He would say its cos I was a flirt even after I got into the relationship.

Valentines day comes up....we go through it, it's all good....a month later one of these girls writes on his wall saying 'I want to see my besties' and tags another two girls along with my bf. so I naturally ask him, what she is on about, because to me it was so out of the blue. And he told me he didn't know. He lied. During another argument he told me that on valentines day he went to the cinema with these two girls Nd sat in the middle of them, because one of them had just broken up with their bf, so he was being a good friend. Hence why she wrote on his wall. His conscience is his worst enemy apparently which is why he decided to tell me. A month later....after he lied to my face. Otherwise I would know nothing about it. In his eyes he didn't tell me cos he knew I would disagree with him going because of the women involved. He wanted to be a good friend and he thought I'd understand hence why he did go. I even understood! What I didn't understand was why he lied and only told me after he lied again. In his eyes he would have told me eventually lol. Eventually it ended up me apologising for making a big deal of it! I asked him if roles were reversed would he be happy, and he said no. Because Im a girl and he is a guy. Because guys look for physical comfort. Girls look for emotional. And I wouldn't be able to fend off a guy so I'd be stupid to put myself in that position.

I used to. I used to imagine my whole life with him... But I just got so tired of fighting, I got ago tired of him telling me that my feelings were unjustified, that they made no sense because of the facts. I got tired of having to prove to him, to myself that I was better then this. That I'm not this paranoid, insecure little girl.

He ended up going to Vegas with a bunch of girls and one other guy who was in a relationship as well. I gave him my blessing. Even though I was so upset that he would be sharing the room with two of these women. He did however try everything to not be alone with them in the room, as in rope others in. But when I saw the pictures from his weekend, I got really annoyed. When he told me stories, I got even more annoyed. And he just had a go at me for being so paranoid when he doesn't even drink so he won't do anything dumb. ( he told me after we broke up that that the two girls he ended up sharing the room with tried to kiss him, and he moved away.....but I never appreciated the moving away bit, all I saw was the fact that he lied to me when I asked him if anything had happened on the trip. Is that wrong?)

He (before we broke up) then came to my sister wedding, and met my whole family. So in his eyes we were set for the future. But everyone could tell that I was just stressed. Everyday he was there, we fought. He'd say little things about my clothes, and how I'm too friendly with my brother in law or my cousins. He told me I dressed like a **** to my sisters wedding because I showed my midrif, yet no one in my family seemed to care. Even my mother said it was fine. (he said like a ****, not that I am a ****- justified in his eyes)

We broke up a week after my sisters wedding.why? - I had gone out with my friend all day, and had not spoken to him at all via BBm. I told him I was going out. But he insisted on messaging me tellinng me he missed me, because I hadn't spoken to him properly all that week because of relatives and today was the first day I was free, and I had chosen to go out to see my only friend (since I had stopped making an effort with anyone else in my life). So I replied occasionally. And he asked me what I was doing, and I said I was with my friend and we were talking. So he asked to call me to hear my voice. So I said I'd call him when I get home. And he got annoyed. Granted that I was a bit rude, because I just didn't understand why he was being so clingy.
On my way home, he had called the friend I was with because he want speaking to me since our argument, and they had a fight. She stood up for me. And he understood all her words to be mine. All my hurt (since I tell her how I feel more the. Him, because he does t listen). So he bbms me whilst I'm driving telling me that he's breaking up with me. I get home and call him and he repeats it, and his reasons because I'm not true to him. I have so much hatred for him that he's been blind to it. And all he's ever wanted was the best for me. To reach my potential. So I accepted. I agreed to breaking up.

The catch!!!!- he left his career in America and life in the states for me to come back to London to live with his family for me. And we broke up two weeks before he was meant to come back. After being in a relationship long distance for two and half years.....

My question...my confusion.....he told me he still loves me, and I still love him too. I know he is not a bad guy, but in my eyes we just don't get along. I want to try again because I feel like we've never given it a try when we are actually together. I do understand his intentions but at the same time I just feel stupid. I feel like a mess. I feel like I can't go on without him and he feels the same way. But then I feel like I need time away because I need to figure out who I am, what I want. But it seems impossible without him. My family dislike him, they have seen me cry practically every day for the past year when I was with him. Yet as a person they think he is a nice guy. They just think we don't get along. His family don't understand why I haven't gone back to him since he's asked me 20 odd times to come back, because they don't understand how much me fought since he's been in another country.

I don't know what to do. I have exams in two months. And I am so confused. I can't concentrate at all. I've already taken a year out because of this guy and I don't want to mess up again, but I am so confused.
I'm sacred that if I wait til after my exams he would have moved on by then...I miss him like crazy and I can't stop loving him. I just don't know whether I should try again or cut my losses and try and move on.
I feel like I am going mad. I've changed so much that I can't even take a joke anymore. I don't know what to do. I know things were bad, unfair in this relationship, so why can I not let go. Why am I still trying to hold hold.
When he is is nice, he is so sweet. But when he's angry I can't stand it.
I want to know where all my self esteem has gone? Why I let him control my emotions so much. Is that love? If i should just go back to him and try and work on it together?

(I needed to vent hence the long message sorry)

Nobody is going to read this...