I'm really uncertain about whether or not my personal statement is okay...

I'm really uncertain about whether or not my personal statement is okay and I need to lock in my application by the end of tomorrow. To be more specific, I'm not sure whether it's applicable enough to the degree (mathematics). To me, it feels like it rambles off in the wrong direction. Obviously I can't just posti it online, but can you think of any way I could have it checked before tomorrow afternoon?

Thanks

Also, I'd initially written a paragraph that went something like this:

I have consistently achieved highly in my academic studies. While living in maths-oriented Hong Kong, I was invited to join the 'Advanced Maths' lessons and, upon moving to England in 2004, I was awarded an academic scholarship at my school. I achieved the highest marks in my year for both my Maths and Additional Maths GCSEs. Furthermore, in my AS level exams I attained an average of over 90% in Maths, Further Maths and Physics, including very high scores in Core 1 (100), Further Pure 1 (99) and Statistics 1 (97). These marks reflect my interests within Maths, as I have always found algebra and probability to be my favourite areas.

(extract was taken from an example PS) I was told that I should not include this. However, this person received offers from Oxford, ICL, Warwick and Bath. Do you agree that I should not put something along these lines?

I'd agree- this should go in your reference! Ask your referee to include it!

Also, would it be bad to talk about the achievements of family members if I liked it to my interests in mathematics? Like that my uncle is a fellow of the royal society (and has had his membership renewed twice for his research in nano-technology) or that my grandfather headed a team of scientists who put one of the first British satellites in space? It kinda seems like arrogant name dropping, but it's certainly contributed to my interest in the area...