I love my girlfriend but don't find her sexually attractive Watch

This discussion is closed.
Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#1
I'm 23 and my girlfriend is 21 and we have been together for one and a half years now. We love each other and get on very well together, but there is also a big problem.

I was always taught that when it comes to a relationship looks don't matter, that's it's all about the personality. I then wen't for a girl who is an awesome person but who I don't really find sexually attractive.

We've been together for long and now this has really started causing problems to our relationship. I get quite uncomfortable when we get intimate and have sex as I'm not really sexually attracted to her. She has also always been very insecure about her looks and has been telling me that I'm out of her league etc, which itself is quite a turnoff. I sometimes think about other fantasies when we have sex which makes it a little easier for me but I realise this is very wrong.

I love her regardless and we do have a good time together in general and both love eachother.

Can a realtionship work just based on being attracted to someone's personality? I am now a shallow person but I'm starting to learn that maybe you need to have that lust and passion to keep a relationship going.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Please don't just reply "Break up with her" etc, I would much rather hear a bit more if you think it can work or not or if you have experienced something like this yourself.
1
Caedus
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#2
Report 5 years ago
#2
A year and a half with someone you've never found physically attractive - what's wrong with you?
27
Yawn11
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#3
Report 5 years ago
#3
Break up with her man.

Or disregard your morals and get another chick on the side.
14
123formyabc
Badges: 12
Rep:
?
#4
Report 5 years ago
#4
Mate its 3am what's wrong with you
17
Bassetts
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#5
Report 5 years ago
#5
(Original post by Caedus)
A year and a half with someone you've never found physically attractive - what's wrong with you?
(Original post by Yawn11)
Break up with her man.

Or disregard your morals and get another chick on the side.
(Original post by 123formyabc)
Mate its 3am what's wrong with you
have you all ever thought that the OP might be too ugly/socially inept to get a better looking girlfriend, so he is forced to settle for an ugly girl who he doesn't find physically attractive? just a thought.
2
Apocrypha
Badges: 11
Rep:
?
#6
Report 5 years ago
#6
Place a McDonalds bag over the head, problem sorted (temporarily)
15
Caedus
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#7
Report 5 years ago
#7
(Original post by Bassetts)
have you all ever thought that the OP might be too ugly/socially inept to get a better looking girlfriend, so he is forced to settle for an ugly girl who he doesn't find physically attractive? just a thought.
Possibly. He did mention that he was 'out of her league', however.

I'm just surprised he stayed with her for so long, how can you be passionate with someone you don't find attractive?
0
Anonymous #2
#8
Report 5 years ago
#8

If you find yourself feeling false, acting up, growing distant, treating her badly because you're lacking peace of mind then you need to back up and take some perspective. It's about a mutual respect, and a balance. These doubts you have now aren't going to get any better with time... Better you face up to them now, rather than when you have responsibilities and a ring on the finger.

Although ultimately the issues you have are superficial, they obviously matter. If they don't go away how can you possibly remain comfortable in the relationship in the long term. Its not fair on you or her.

You can't pretend to feel what she feels. You may even end up resenting her for having what you don't have in the relationship. Rather you go on a break and then realise what you're missing and commit to her, than carry on and walk into something more serious that you regret. If it's not meant to be after a break, then best for both of you surely?

7
Little Wolf Taima
Badges: 11
Rep:
?
#9
Report 5 years ago
#9
It's possible.

I'm not physically attracted to my boyfriend, but emotionally, we're very close and I like feeling desired sexually. The sex is passionate and about how we make eachother feel, not what's being looked at. It's taken a long time though... Honestly we had issues with him not initiating out of insecurity and drinking too much but we're getting better and better.

She needs to grow more confident in herself and perhaps if you are both more in the moment rather than focusing on things that displease you aesthetically it can work. How actively engaged is she in sex? If she doesn't have the confidence to be more forward and attempt to seduce you or take a bigger role there lies the problem. Again I don't find my BF the prettiest but when he looks at me like he wants me it's a turn on.When he is confident enough to explore my body and take charge it's a turn on.

Maybe some sexy lingerie or dress up would be nicer for you to look at and empowering for her?
3
Meat
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#10
Report 5 years ago
#10
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm 23 and my girlfriend is 21 and we have been together for one and a half years now. We love each other and get on very well together, but there is also a big problem.

I was always taught that when it comes to a relationship looks don't matter, that's it's all about the personality. I then wen't for a girl who is an awesome person but who I don't really find sexually attractive.

We've been together for long and now this has really started causing problems to our relationship. I get quite uncomfortable when we get intimate and have sex as I'm not really sexually attracted to her. She has also always been very insecure about her looks and has been telling me that I'm out of her league etc, which itself is quite a turnoff. I sometimes think about other fantasies when we have sex which makes it a little easier for me but I realise this is very wrong.

I love her regardless and we do have a good time together in general and both love eachother.

Can a realtionship work just based on being attracted to someone's personality? I am now a shallow person but I'm starting to learn that maybe you need to have that lust and passion to keep a relationship going.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Please don't just reply "Break up with her" etc, I would much rather hear a bit more if you think it can work or not or if you have experienced something like this yourself.
if you were 48 and married I doubt this would be a major issue. the fact that you are early 20s and went for a girl you didn't find attractive is confusing to me . I don't know why you just arnt friends with a girl you have a good laugh with
4
username1060288
Badges: 6
Rep:
?
#11
Report 5 years ago
#11
I think people expect too much from relationships sometimes. If everything is perfect but there's a little lack of sexual attraction then on average you probably have it better than a lot of couples. Think seriously about this before spoiling something you might not find again...as an aside, being uncomfortable during sex can be caused by other things, are you sure it's about attraction?


Posted from TSR Mobile
6
Pedd
Badges: 10
Rep:
?
#12
Report 5 years ago
#12
Not possible man. Physical attraction is extremely important in a relationship. Just as a healthy sex life can make everything in a relationship better, a bad sex life can make everything worse.

It may be hard, but break up with her!
1
Gjaykay
Badges: 11
Rep:
?
#13
Report 5 years ago
#13
Sounds like you do like her, might as well stay with her. You guys will eventually break up, but stay if you wanna stay for the now.
2
miser
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#14
Report 5 years ago
#14
I think it can work, but only to the degree that it has 'worked' so far for you two, i.e., you have somehow managed to overlook your lack of attarction and still have sex and so on.

I suppose the underlying question here is: Is your love for her enough that you are willing and able to be passionate and intimate with her regardless of not finding her sexually attractive? If it is, then do it and have no regrets, but if it isn't then I think you should try to look for a better match.

Best of luck with it.
0
Anonymous #3
#15
Report 5 years ago
#15
(Original post by Little Wolf Taima)
It's possible.

I'm not physically attracted to my boyfriend, but emotionally, we're very close and I like feeling desired sexually. The sex is passionate and about how we make eachother feel, not what's being looked at. It's taken a long time though... Honestly we had issues with him not initiating out of insecurity and drinking too much but we're getting better and better.

She needs to grow more confident in herself and perhaps if you are both more in the moment rather than focusing on things that displease you aesthetically it can work. How actively engaged is she in sex? If she doesn't have the confidence to be more forward and attempt to seduce you or take a bigger role there lies the problem. Again I don't find my BF the prettiest but when he looks at me like he wants me it's a turn on.When he is confident enough to explore my body and take charge it's a turn on.

Maybe some sexy lingerie or dress up would be nicer for you to look at and empowering for her?
What. If you're not attracted to him, how can you bring yourself to have sex with him?

There is a huge, huge difference between being with someone you're not attracted to, and being with someone you know isn't especially attractive but whom you find attractive because you have all the chemistry, and I am really hoping you actually mean the latter.

I fell in love with a guy over the summer whom most people would consider really quite unattractive, but after developing feelings for him I looked at him totally differently, and still do. But if I had continued to find him unattractive it would have made me shudder to have sex with him. As it happens, he is the best sex I've ever had, and no one has ever turned me on more!

But OP, I think this is an insurmountable problem unfortunately. And to be honest she has probably noticed to some extent that you feel this way - I doubt you're that good at hiding it/making her feel desirable.
0
Lotus_Eater
Badges: 7
Rep:
?
#16
Report 5 years ago
#16
Well, I don't see why it couldn't work. Unless her looks are actively frightening, I think most people can behave very seductively and create a dynamic that isn't based on looks. After all, if people have sex with the lights off the things they get turned on by are the sexy things their partner says, how they touch each other etc. etc.

I suspect the OP has misdiagnosed the problem - it isn't that he (I assume he's a he!) doesn't find her attractive so much as he doesn't find her to be good in bed. Her lack of confidence is a problem and if she's that inhibited she's unlikely to let herself go. Maybe she isn't enjoying it herself. Maybe he wants a much more dominant lover. Hard to tell without more information and actually we don't really need to know. The person who needs to know is him. To overcome it he can try a mixture of openness ("it would really turn me on if we did x next time we had sex") and encouragement ("I really do find you incredibly sexy"). If this doesn't work then perhaps some couple's counselling might help.
0
canadamoose
Badges: 5
Rep:
?
#17
Report 5 years ago
#17
If it's physical attractiveness you want, you could always send her to the spa or hairdresser for Christmas. It seems mean (it's not really), but say that you always loved hair "such and such a colour" and see if a change like that would change the look of her face. People with light hair can sometimes look washed out, so if she gets it darker, her features may be more defined. It might just be a slight change. Otherwise, you have to either decide if it's physical attraction or personality needed in your relationship. If you aren't attracted, then you can't have both with her.
0
Alpha brah
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#18
Report 5 years ago
#18
Why the **** did you get in a relationship with her, then? :facepalm:

Leave her so she can be with someone who actually properly finds her attractive. Looks are important in a non-platonic relationship for the vast majority of people, don't tie someone up in one if you don't think they're attractive enough :facepalm2:
2
GradMed
Badges: 0
Rep:
?
#19
Report 5 years ago
#19
I'm sorry but I don't think you can be truly in love someone you don't find physically attractive. You may care about them a lot and get on with them as friends but there is more to a relationship than that just as there is more to a relationship than sex. It's a mixture of all of these factors which is why it's not easy to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Surely you can never even tell her she looks beautiful/sexy or if you do, you must be lying?
0
Anonymous #1
#20
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#20
(Original post by Bassetts)
have you all ever thought that the OP might be too ugly/socially inept to get a better looking girlfriend, so he is forced to settle for an ugly girl who he doesn't find physically attractive? just a thought.
I'm not that ugly, actually many attractive girls have told me they find me attractive. I have however had always problems finding a suitable girlfriend while one night stands with some nice looking girls hasn't been a problem.

But in a way you might be right, that I am with her beacuse of some inability to find a better one. Maybe I could but am not trying hard enough.

(Original post by Anonymous)
If you find yourself feeling false, acting up, growing distant, treating her badly because you're lacking peace of mind then you need to back up and take some perspective. It's about a mutual respect, and a balance. These doubts you have now aren't going to get any better with time... Better you face up to them now, rather than when you have responsibilities and a ring on the finger.

Although ultimately the issues you have are superficial, they obviously matter. If they don't go away how can you possibly remain comfortable in the relationship in the long term. Its not fair on you or her.

You can't pretend to feel what she feels. You may even end up resenting her for having what you don't have in the relationship. Rather you go on a break and then realise what you're missing and commit to her, than carry on and walk into something more serious that you regret. If it's not meant to be after a break, then best for both of you surely?
Very good post and an accurate description of the problem!! I know that if we would break up I would miss her as I like spending time with her. It's just the intimacy that gets awkward between us.

(Original post by Little Wolf Taima)
It's possible.

I'm not physically attracted to my boyfriend, but emotionally, we're very close and I like feeling desired sexually. The sex is passionate and about how we make eachother feel, not what's being looked at. It's taken a long time though... Honestly we had issues with him not initiating out of insecurity and drinking too much but we're getting better and better.

She needs to grow more confident in herself and perhaps if you are both more in the moment rather than focusing on things that displease you aesthetically it can work. How actively engaged is she in sex? If she doesn't have the confidence to be more forward and attempt to seduce you or take a bigger role there lies the problem. Again I don't find my BF the prettiest but when he looks at me like he wants me it's a turn on.When he is confident enough to explore my body and take charge it's a turn on.

Maybe some sexy lingerie or dress up would be nicer for you to look at and empowering for her?
She engages actively when I ask her to. I'm afraid any sexy lingerie would not help as I don't like how she looks naked (and I do feel terrible for saying that).

(Original post by whisper2012)
I think people expect too much from relationships sometimes. If everything is perfect but there's a little lack of sexual attraction then on average you probably have it better than a lot of couples. Think seriously about this before spoiling something you might not find again...as an aside, being uncomfortable during sex can be caused by other things, are you sure it's about attraction?


Posted from TSR Mobile
Everything is not perfect because of the lack of intimacy and passion in the relationship. Everything is only good in the sense that we get on very well when spending time together. I'm sure it's about attraction, because every morning I wake up dreaming of other girls.
(Original post by Pedd)
Not possible man. Physical attraction is extremely important in a relationship. Just as a healthy sex life can make everything in a relationship better, a bad sex life can make everything worse.

It may be hard, but break up with her!
Good post I totally agree with you and will consider breaking up.

(Original post by Gjaykay)
Sounds like you do like her, might as well stay with her. You guys will eventually break up, but stay if you wanna stay for the now.
This is even a better idea. I would like to stay with her for now and see what happens in the future. However I don't think it's fair on her as I won't be as serious with her as she is with me.

(Original post by miser)
I think it can work, but only to the degree that it has 'worked' so far for you two, i.e., you have somehow managed to overlook your lack of attarction and still have sex and so on.

I suppose the underlying question here is: Is your love for her enough that you are willing and able to be passionate and intimate with her regardless of not finding her sexually attractive? If it is, then do it and have no regrets, but if it isn't then I think you should try to look for a better match.

Best of luck with it.
Yeah I agree with you that it probably is not going to get any better.

I cannot be passionate and intimate, this is what is the whole problem. I can however have a great time with her otherwise. But I agree with you I should probably look for a better match.

(Original post by Alpha brah)
Why the **** did you get in a relationship with her, then? :facepalm:

Leave her so she can be with someone who actually properly finds her attractive. Looks are important in a non-platonic relationship for the vast majority of people, don't tie someone up in one if you don't think they're attractive enough :facepalm2:
Because she is an awesome person? I always thought personality was number one in a relationship, but I realise now that attraction plays a very big part too.

(Original post by GradMed)
I'm sorry but I don't think you can be truly in love someone you don't find physically attractive. You may care about them a lot and get on with them as friends but there is more to a relationship than that just as there is more to a relationship than sex. It's a mixture of all of these factors which is why it's not easy to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Surely you can never even tell her she looks beautiful/sexy or if you do, you must be lying?
Yeah I think I love her but am not "in love" with her if you see what I mean. I can't tell her that very often because I'm an honest person. I do always tell her when I notice something pretty about her.

---------------------
Thanks for many good replies this really makes me think. She does not look frightening but she just isn't at all of my type physically, which makes me unable to enjoy intimacy. I think I also like to have a girlfriend and am scared of being left alone, as in my current life situation I don't get to meet many people at all.
0
X
new posts
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Are you tempted to change your firm university choice on A-level results day?

Yes, I'll try and go to a uni higher up the league tables (160)
17.66%
Yes, there is a uni that I prefer and I'll fit in better (78)
8.61%
No I am happy with my course choice (540)
59.6%
I'm using Clearing when I have my exam results (128)
14.13%

Watched Threads

View All