How do you cope with your boyfriend looking at other females

I’ve been dealing with much self doubt and insecurity upon finding out my boyfriend/fiancé goes out of his way to hide and look at naked women. I hardly feel beautiful because he’s stopped all the cute compliments, yet he can go out of his way to look at nude females. I have no idea to handle this and he just gets upset when I look through his phone and I don’t know what to do anymore, I have begged him to stop more than once and it’s getting to the point that I constantly degrade myself and can never even imagine being as beautiful as I once felt.
Please, I really need help

Reply 1

Justvisited

19

No point in being with a man who lacks sexual self-control is there. For your own good it's best to walk away.

Reply 2

Dunnig Kruger

16

I cope with my girlfriend looking at nudes by giving her space to do so in private. By giving her the room and the freedom to have whatever sexual fantasies she wants.

By supporting her whenever she wants to go out for a night out without me. And sending her off with a "Have a great time."
Whenever she asks me if she can go off and do something without me - eg a long week-end in Barcelona with her mates - I've always said "Of course! Please go ahead."

When she went to watch some male strippers, it was fine by me.

I cope by regarding it as nothing to cope with. Really, absolutely nothing to cope with.

I know that I am not the most physically attractive man in the world. And that there are a lot of women that would turn their noses up at me, simply because of the way that I look. But that's fine, because there's an abundance of great women with somewhat of an open mind when it comes to looks.

Cute compliments? I don't give two hoots about them. As long as we are going on adventures or mini adventures, then that's more than enough for me. With mini adventures including our love making sessions.

I think that you would function better if you adopted the same outlook on these things as I have.
It's entirely up to you if you transform your basic life philosophy on this.
At first it might seem like swimming without water wings when you let go of focusing on what your boyfriend(s) do when they are not with you. But you will find that you don't sink and you swim better when you let go of this baggage.

Although having said that, if I were with someone that was spending like 14 hours per week looking at pornography, I'd probably dump them and look for someone with a less addictive and less time wasting personality.

I've found it's generally pointless begging someone to change an ingrained habit. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

Reply 3

Sorcerer's Storm

20

Hiding and looking at naked women….is he a peeping Tom?? If so then get rid, that’s a huge red flag.

Reply 4

Dunnig Kruger

16

Original post by Son of the Sea

Hiding and looking at naked women….is he a peeping Tom?? If so then get rid, that’s a huge red flag.

That's true.

However, if she dumps him, is she going to find a boyfriend that never looks at pornography? That never looks at underwear pictures? That never looks at another woman with lust?
And will she find a boyfriend that will give just as many cutesy compliments 2 years, 5 years, 10 years into the relationship as he did at the start?
And a boyfriend that never minds when she looks through his phone?

Good luck with that!

So I see it as 2 things.
1 the opening poster becoming more secure about these things - if that's at all possible. Because as long as there's this underlying insecurity that she has, every man that she comes across will trigger her in some way.
2 getting a man that's good enough. As well as being compatible with her in the key areas. With these including how they handle conflict. And sexual compatability. Nobody's perfect. Good enough is good enough. There are big doubts as to whether her current boyfriend is good enough. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't? Probably the sort of thing that the more she tells us about him and her, the more clear cut it will be as to whether he's OK or not.

Actually there's a 3rd thing:
3 I think it would do Lovely.grl05 a lot of good in the long term if she went through the cycle of "falling in love, getting attached, breaking up" a few times. To build up her experience and confidence in relationships and men. Think of it as her learning on the job.

Reply 5

Sorcerer's Storm

20

Original post by Dunnig Kruger

That's true.

However, if she dumps him, is she going to find a boyfriend that never looks at pornography? That never looks at underwear pictures? That never looks at another woman with lust?
And will she find a boyfriend that will give just as many cutesy compliments 2 years, 5 years, 10 years into the relationship as he did at the start?
And a boyfriend that never minds when she looks through his phone?

Good luck with that!

So I see it as 2 things.
1 the opening poster becoming more secure about these things - if that's at all possible. Because as long as there's this underlying insecurity that she has, every man that she comes across will trigger her in some way.
2 getting a man that's good enough. As well as being compatible with her in the key areas. With these including how they handle conflict. And sexual compatability. Nobody's perfect. Good enough is good enough. There are big doubts as to whether her current boyfriend is good enough. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't? Probably the sort of thing that the more she tells us about him and her, the more clear cut it will be as to whether he's OK or not.

Actually there's a 3rd thing:
3 I think it would do Lovely.grl05 a lot of good in the long term if she went through the cycle of "falling in love, getting attached, breaking up" a few times. To build up her experience and confidence in relationships and men. Think of it as her learning on the job.

No, I’m only referring to him hiding in real life and spying on real women. Maybe the OP isn’t referring to that. I think it’s normal for people to watch porn and look at other people with lust, that isn’t a red flag in and of itself.

Reply 6

Zarek

21

People in a relationship still find others attractive, you can’t stop this, and generally it doesn’t mean anything for a committed relationship. Also guys can look at on line images without it meaning a thing or seeming relevant to their real relationship, it’s a fantasy world. This said if he’s doing it in a disrespectful way or not respecting things you’ve agreed then I think you can give him an ultimatum

Reply 7

Roses are good

7

Original post by Lovely.grl05

I’ve been dealing with much self doubt and insecurity upon finding out my boyfriend/fiancé goes out of his way to hide and look at naked women. I hardly feel beautiful because he’s stopped all the cute compliments, yet he can go out of his way to look at nude females. I have no idea to handle this and he just gets upset when I look through his phone and I don’t know what to do anymore, I have begged him to stop more than once and it’s getting to the point that I constantly degrade myself and can never even imagine being as beautiful as I once felt.
Please, I really need help

By dumping him that's how I cope

Reply 8

username6026715

12

Original post by Lovely.grl05

I’ve been dealing with much self doubt and insecurity upon finding out my boyfriend/fiancé goes out of his way to hide and look at naked women. I hardly feel beautiful because he’s stopped all the cute compliments, yet he can go out of his way to look at nude females. I have no idea to handle this and he just gets upset when I look through his phone and I don’t know what to do anymore, I have begged him to stop more than once and it’s getting to the point that I constantly degrade myself and can never even imagine being as beautiful as I once felt.
Please, I really need help

Focus on you. Do not look through his phone. Be confident, do stuff you like to do, disengage yourself from this wind-up. Tell him you lose respect for him for looking at pictures of naked women, don't project that **** on yourself.
He is entitled to do what he likes, but you are entitled to set boundaries.
If he can't stop, he might have issues, perhaps he needs help with that. If he turns it back on you, then he's not such a good person after all and that's surely a dealbreaker and will only end in misery.
Or, you could get some pictures of naked men out and see how he feels about that?

Reply 9

londonmyst

19

I wouldn't be bothered about a bf who looks at other people or has friends of both biological sexes.

I'm not the jealous or possessive type.
I know that it is human nature to be interested in people and appreciate the beauty in people, nature, architecture and technology.
But wouldn't waste my time dating a guy with an enthusiasm for consuming hardcore pornography or habit of collecting nudes from random strangers/sending nudes to others.

Reply 10

Nooooooibe

1

Original post by Lovely.grl05

I’ve been dealing with much self doubt and insecurity upon finding out my boyfriend/fiancé goes out of his way to hide and look at naked women. I hardly feel beautiful because he’s stopped all the cute compliments, yet he can go out of his way to look at nude females. I have no idea to handle this and he just gets upset when I look through his phone and I don’t know what to do anymore, I have begged him to stop more than once and it’s getting to the point that I constantly degrade myself and can never even imagine being as beautiful as I once felt.
Please, I really need help

He’s clearly causing you a lot of mental stress, i guarantee you’ll never stop him from doing this type of thing, It’s straight up weird, i suggest you keep far from him

Reply 11

Nooooooibe

1

Original post by username6026715

Focus on you. Do not look through his phone. Be confident, do stuff you like to do, disengage yourself from this wind-up. Tell him you lose respect for him for looking at pictures of naked women, don't project that **** on yourself.
He is entitled to do what he likes, but you are entitled to set boundaries.
If he can't stop, he might have issues, perhaps he needs help with that. If he turns it back on you, then he's not such a good person after all and that's surely a dealbreaker and will only end in misery.
Or, you could get some pictures of naked men out and see how he feels about that?