Virginity gone now I don't know what to do? (VERY LONG im sorry)
Hi, Im 18. After living my whole life under the watchful eye of my over protective parents (not being disrespectful they just are really protective) who won't allow me to have a boyfriend/would be suspicious to even see me speaking to boys; I moved out to come to uni 3months ago.
2weeks after I came here I randomly met a guy from the year above, we got talking and he asked for my number I was surprised but I gave it to him.
after texting we met up a week later he took me out and I had my 1st kiss. It ended up turning into making out though so I felt so guilty because I knew my parents would be disappointed in me. but he convinced me that there was nothing wrong because he liked me.
About 2 weeks later he asked when we would take things to the next level. I was so surprised and I told him that it wouldn't happen because I wouldn't feel right about doing anything more, I wanted t save myself till marriage as im Christian.
he told me he wasn't a virgin *which shocked me at the time because hes Muslim* and said this whole speech about it being ok because he likes me but whenever we met up I still kept saying no.
to cut the story short 2 days ago I went to his house *hadn't seen him in nearly 2 weeks so I missed him and wanted to hang out* he asked if I wanted a drink I said yes then I realised he meant alcoholic. I shouldnt have had it but how was I to know what was going to happen. He wanted to take it further again I said no but then he talked me into it and it happened.
after 2 months of knowing him I betrayed God and my morals and gaveup my virginity; he hasnt even contacted me to as how I am. But its too late, I like him. He does things he shouldn't but I don't even care, I like him,
I rang my best friend and she actually got upset. we've known each other for years and she said I would never do something like this.
& its true. since ive come here Ive changed. I never drunk ad I'd never have done this; I feel so lost, like imcarrying on as normal but deep down this is constantly in he back of my mind& whenever I'm alone I keep crying. I wish I could tell my mom but I cantshe is religious and she'd be so disappointed and my dad would just be angry. Igo home in 11 days for Christmas and I can't show that I'm feeling this waybecause if my parents find out all hell will break loose.
If you were me, what would you do??
2weeks after I came here I randomly met a guy from the year above, we got talking and he asked for my number I was surprised but I gave it to him.
after texting we met up a week later he took me out and I had my 1st kiss. It ended up turning into making out though so I felt so guilty because I knew my parents would be disappointed in me. but he convinced me that there was nothing wrong because he liked me.
About 2 weeks later he asked when we would take things to the next level. I was so surprised and I told him that it wouldn't happen because I wouldn't feel right about doing anything more, I wanted t save myself till marriage as im Christian.
he told me he wasn't a virgin *which shocked me at the time because hes Muslim* and said this whole speech about it being ok because he likes me but whenever we met up I still kept saying no.
to cut the story short 2 days ago I went to his house *hadn't seen him in nearly 2 weeks so I missed him and wanted to hang out* he asked if I wanted a drink I said yes then I realised he meant alcoholic. I shouldnt have had it but how was I to know what was going to happen. He wanted to take it further again I said no but then he talked me into it and it happened.
after 2 months of knowing him I betrayed God and my morals and gaveup my virginity; he hasnt even contacted me to as how I am. But its too late, I like him. He does things he shouldn't but I don't even care, I like him,
I rang my best friend and she actually got upset. we've known each other for years and she said I would never do something like this.
& its true. since ive come here Ive changed. I never drunk ad I'd never have done this; I feel so lost, like imcarrying on as normal but deep down this is constantly in he back of my mind& whenever I'm alone I keep crying. I wish I could tell my mom but I cantshe is religious and she'd be so disappointed and my dad would just be angry. Igo home in 11 days for Christmas and I can't show that I'm feeling this waybecause if my parents find out all hell will break loose.
If you were me, what would you do??
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I don't know if its right but when you have over protective parents and close to no freedom you tend to be a 'rebel' when you reach the uni stage and you end up doing things you never thought you would do. I haven't reached that stage yet but I have very strict parents. My older friends say this all the time.
yo girl relax god loves you no matter how much sex you have. have sex with the whole neighbourhood it doesn't matter, there is nothing wrong with sexual pleasure. it's a carryover from the moralistic marriage policies of augustus (roman emperor) and has no bearing on the way god feels.
Virginity is nothing but a social construct, relax 
I feel you, I'm sort of in the same situation, protective parents (I'm a guy though) strong Christian and don't believe in pre-marital sex yet unfortunately I was told I got extremely drunk 2nd day of freshers week and shagged this girl on the same course as me, and it was not protective sex even worse! :/ but luckily I have been checked out and am clean
really you just have to continue life really, what's happened has happened
so I'd say to you much like I'm doing myself, look on the bright side, you now know reality, sucks but we all have to go through it at some point haha tell your parents only if you feel it absolutely necessary, what usually happens at uni stays at uni.
Need to chat I'm here seeming as I'm sort of in the same situation, haven't told my parents either, told my brother and he said I got taken advantage of and laughed, so we just got drunk to forget it :P
really you just have to continue life really, what's happened has happened
so I'd say to you much like I'm doing myself, look on the bright side, you now know reality, sucks but we all have to go through it at some point haha
tell your parents only if you feel it absolutely necessary, what usually happens at uni stays at uni.Need to chat I'm here seeming as I'm sort of in the same situation, haven't told my parents either, told my brother and he said I got taken advantage of and laughed, so we just got drunk to forget it :P
Original post by Anonymous
If you were me, what would you do??
If you were me, what would you do??
He slept with you, and probably knew it was your first time, and didn't call you for 2 days?
I would tell his parents what a **** he is. Bet they won't be pleased.
Don't beat yourself up over something you can't undo. It sounds like you come from a fairly closed background if even your best friend is horrified. Firstly, it should be pointed out that what you did is normal for a LOT of people, even if not for you, and although you feel yourself like you've done something wrong, remember that others will not judge you as harshly if at all.
Secondly, if you've somehow never drunk before coming to University, then you're unlikely to be familiar with the effects it has on you. The first time any person drinks they have to find where their limit is and come to recognise what is them and what is alcohol. There's nothing wrong with alcohol but in this case you're in a difficult situation because you're totally unfamiliar with how it makes you feel and how much you can drink before you start to lose your judgement. Most people would know this already and have 'experimented' with it in a much more kindly situation amongst their friends or with their family, where nobody's going to be exerting pressure over them. In a way I would say this may also excuse your friend somewhat as I think most 18 year olds assume other 18 year olds have already had these experiences and aren't naive to it. Compounding it all, you're also naive to relationships with guys.
If I were you I would re-assess the situation with the perspective that you can't undo what has been done and it's damaging to force yourself to feel guilty about it. Does what you've done make you into a bad person? Are you now going to go and start kicking puppies and stealing things? No, you're the same integral person and that person is a decent individual. I also personally don't know how useful it is to think about 'giving up' virginity in that way. It's not like it's a thing. It's just a life experience that you've had. You also 'gave up' your alcohol virginity and the first time you got on a bus you gave up your bus virginity. Put it into perspective. In books and whatnot people are always talking about it like it's an object and religious people can hype it up like crazy, but in reality, ask yourself: is it really? Has it altered you as a person in any meaningful way?
Rationalise it, realise that basically all of your integrity is still there as it was before and if you have any regrets, use them to learn about yourself.
Secondly, if you've somehow never drunk before coming to University, then you're unlikely to be familiar with the effects it has on you. The first time any person drinks they have to find where their limit is and come to recognise what is them and what is alcohol. There's nothing wrong with alcohol but in this case you're in a difficult situation because you're totally unfamiliar with how it makes you feel and how much you can drink before you start to lose your judgement. Most people would know this already and have 'experimented' with it in a much more kindly situation amongst their friends or with their family, where nobody's going to be exerting pressure over them. In a way I would say this may also excuse your friend somewhat as I think most 18 year olds assume other 18 year olds have already had these experiences and aren't naive to it. Compounding it all, you're also naive to relationships with guys.
If I were you I would re-assess the situation with the perspective that you can't undo what has been done and it's damaging to force yourself to feel guilty about it. Does what you've done make you into a bad person? Are you now going to go and start kicking puppies and stealing things? No, you're the same integral person and that person is a decent individual. I also personally don't know how useful it is to think about 'giving up' virginity in that way. It's not like it's a thing. It's just a life experience that you've had. You also 'gave up' your alcohol virginity and the first time you got on a bus you gave up your bus virginity. Put it into perspective. In books and whatnot people are always talking about it like it's an object and religious people can hype it up like crazy, but in reality, ask yourself: is it really? Has it altered you as a person in any meaningful way?
Rationalise it, realise that basically all of your integrity is still there as it was before and if you have any regrets, use them to learn about yourself.
I really do empathise with your position - I'm planning to save it till marriage and I know how upset I would feel if I didn't. I'm really sorry this guy was such an idiot - but don't let yourself feel down forever, and don't feel like your parents will go mad. What I would do in your shoes is pray solemnly to God for his forgiveness, and he will give it. Then you don't have to worry about what's happened - God understands how we are tempted and that although we try to walk his way, we fall at times but he is there to pick us up. Never speak to this guy again. If you feel the guilt around your parents (I know I have because I fooled around, not sex but almost), don't worry. Your parents may seem like they are going to shout at you when they talk about pre-marital sex and how you must not do it. But if you come to them and tell them what has happened, and how you have asked for forgiveness they may well be disappointed, but they are human. Just like you. They'll be happy you could bring this problem to them and you told them firsthand, and be able to support you. I know how much my parents want me to save myself, but I know that if something happened which stopped this, they would still love and care for me. I hope this helps and sorry for the essay. Feel free to PM me if you like
I feel really bad that you feel so lost, but you shouldn't base such a large amount pressure on yourself for not being a virgin.
Also, speaking from experience, If you have been sheltered your whole life by strict parents, once they are out of the picture, you find yourself doing things you thought you never wouldn't... That doesnt make you a bad person.
You're still you, you haven't lost any worth, and you shouldnt feel ashamed. As for the guy getting you drunk for your first time... My, what a manipulative asshole.
Also, speaking from experience, If you have been sheltered your whole life by strict parents, once they are out of the picture, you find yourself doing things you thought you never wouldn't... That doesnt make you a bad person.
You're still you, you haven't lost any worth, and you shouldnt feel ashamed. As for the guy getting you drunk for your first time... My, what a manipulative asshole.
(edited 10 years ago)
Right. I'm a Christian (Catholic in fact), who doesn't agree with the whole 'no sex before marriage'. So, while I don't agree with your perspective, I can understand where you're coming from. All I can give you is my opinions, but I hope they help.
Firstly, you say you 'betrayed God and my morals and gaveup my virginity'. In the nicest way possible, it's not all that black and white. Only you can know if having sex with this guy was wrong (and bear in mind that 'wrong' in terms of relationships is really hard to define. You can only tell if your own feelings/ actions you took because of these were wrong, and things may turn out badly due to his wrong actions, not yours...) but even if it was, it's really really not the end of the world.
Even if you did 'betray God' (and for the record I really don't think you did) it's no where near as bad as, for example, Peter's betrayal during Jesus' passion... But Christ forgave him without a second thought. He will forgive you too!! We all sin, that's why Jesus had to die for us, but he forgives us. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. If you think it was wrong, then maybe think about what to do so as not to get into that situation again, but forgive yourself and move on.
Secondly, you say you like him. That leaves you with a couple of choices- do you want to try and have a relationship with him? Personally, from what you've said of him I would be wary: he pressured you into having sex with him, and then didn't contact you afterwards- major red flags. That said, it's up to you. Maybe take the holiday to think about it and try to look at things objectively? If he hasn't contacted you, it's unlikely he will over the holiday, which should give you some time alone to think. But maybe also try to have just a holiday from everything uni-wise... (See point 3)
Thirdly, about your parents. Frankly, I don't think you need to tell them. Try to act normal at home, enjoy Christmas and spending time with them and put the guy out of your mind when you're with them- you obviously don't get to see them while you're away at uni, so enjoy the time together as a family.
Lastly, what would I do? Personally, I would relax a bit and put things into perspective. (ie. Personally I think too much is made of 'virginity'. I'd like to think that every time people have sex is important, and that if you make a mistake, be it the first time or not, you should take it just as seriously. But, I don't agree with 'saving yourself for marriage'- I think if you are in a stable, long term relationship, in which you would consider having children in the future, it doesn't matter if you're married at that moment or not. And if things don't work out, it's sad, but not a crime towards a future partner/God...) I would think a bit about what I wanted with the guy in question (and in your case it would be nothing to be honest) but mostly try to enjoy my holiday.
Hope that helps.
Firstly, you say you 'betrayed God and my morals and gaveup my virginity'. In the nicest way possible, it's not all that black and white. Only you can know if having sex with this guy was wrong (and bear in mind that 'wrong' in terms of relationships is really hard to define. You can only tell if your own feelings/ actions you took because of these were wrong, and things may turn out badly due to his wrong actions, not yours...) but even if it was, it's really really not the end of the world.
Even if you did 'betray God' (and for the record I really don't think you did) it's no where near as bad as, for example, Peter's betrayal during Jesus' passion... But Christ forgave him without a second thought. He will forgive you too!! We all sin, that's why Jesus had to die for us, but he forgives us. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. If you think it was wrong, then maybe think about what to do so as not to get into that situation again, but forgive yourself and move on.
Secondly, you say you like him. That leaves you with a couple of choices- do you want to try and have a relationship with him? Personally, from what you've said of him I would be wary: he pressured you into having sex with him, and then didn't contact you afterwards- major red flags. That said, it's up to you. Maybe take the holiday to think about it and try to look at things objectively? If he hasn't contacted you, it's unlikely he will over the holiday, which should give you some time alone to think. But maybe also try to have just a holiday from everything uni-wise... (See point 3)
Thirdly, about your parents. Frankly, I don't think you need to tell them. Try to act normal at home, enjoy Christmas and spending time with them and put the guy out of your mind when you're with them- you obviously don't get to see them while you're away at uni, so enjoy the time together as a family.
Lastly, what would I do? Personally, I would relax a bit and put things into perspective. (ie. Personally I think too much is made of 'virginity'. I'd like to think that every time people have sex is important, and that if you make a mistake, be it the first time or not, you should take it just as seriously. But, I don't agree with 'saving yourself for marriage'- I think if you are in a stable, long term relationship, in which you would consider having children in the future, it doesn't matter if you're married at that moment or not. And if things don't work out, it's sad, but not a crime towards a future partner/God...) I would think a bit about what I wanted with the guy in question (and in your case it would be nothing to be honest) but mostly try to enjoy my holiday.
Hope that helps.
First of all he is an absolute ass and is not worthy of you - if he truly cared for you he would have called you by now. My partner is also a Catholic but not strict considering we have been together for 2 years and because he respects me we have not had sexual intercourse and don't plan on doing until we are married.
Original post by Jordooooom
Saving your virginity for religious reasons is the most retarded thing ever to be honest.
Not really. I think war and discrimination come higher up that list. Saving yourself for marriage isn't solely religious, and it's a personal choice. Whatever happened to the do whatever makes you happy thing?
OP, you will have to move on, no one should judge you but God but ask for forgiveness.
Also try and contact that guy, if it doesn't work out, then you'll have learnt your lesson the hard way,...and for the record, he's not a Muslim if he has sex and drinks lol.
I wouldn't tell your parents just yet, it's Christmas but speak to someone who will understand perhaps a counselor at uni?
Also try and contact that guy, if it doesn't work out, then you'll have learnt your lesson the hard way,...and for the record, he's not a Muslim if he has sex and drinks lol.
I wouldn't tell your parents just yet, it's Christmas but speak to someone who will understand
perhaps a counselor at uni?(edited 10 years ago)
I feel bad for you OP. So I'll try and look at it from your religious perspective. Firstly, you made an error as far as what you perceive the stance of your faith on this. What happened was natural and perhaps a bit of pressure from this guy in this case. Your feelings of guilt are because you feel you are immoral. It takes courage and intelligence to see that you had moved away from your true self and I am sure if there was a God he would recognise this. Maybe speak to someone spiritual in your faith, might give you closure? Or counselling?
Also this guy was just using you, try and suss people out better next time and be sure of yourself and what you want in life. It was just one mistake if that's how you see it, people make plenty in anything in life. Good luck.
Also this guy was just using you, try and suss people out better next time and be sure of yourself and what you want in life. It was just one mistake if that's how you see it, people make plenty in anything in life. Good luck.
Honestly... I used to be a Christian but science won me over. Have fun in life what if you died tomorrow? Atleast you would have had some "fun" with a guy you're attracted to. LIfe is meant to be lived! Not regretted, your parents should understand if they love you but heck who cares what they think <3 best of luck
Original post by Alice_95
Not really. I think war and discrimination come higher up that list. Saving yourself for marriage isn't solely religious, and it's a personal choice. Whatever happened to the do whatever makes you happy thing?
Quit being so shallow and pedantic! Nah fair enough if it's personal choice and they want to wait till they meet the right person, that's all fine. But abstaining from sex, even though you don't want to just because an old book says so is silly imo.
Original post by Jordooooom
Quit being so shallow and pedantic! Nah fair enough if it's personal choice and they want to wait till they meet the right person, that's all fine. But abstaining from sex, even though you don't want to just because an old book says so is silly imo.
Just wanted to point out how brash your statement was. Fair enough.
The same thing sort of happened to me when I was 18 (I'm 20 now) and I think it happens to most people, I'm a Christian and have been to catholic schools all my life and my parents are very religious (go to church around 3/4 times a week) so I can empathise but surely they had to loose their virginity to give birth to you? (I found out from my aunt that my parents went out when they were around 15 so from then until now they were bound to have a had sex and my dad says that my mum would go out with anyone) It has happened to most people and you need to let it go and learn from you're mistakes and know not to believe guys that say they like you, if they did they'd ask you to be official before wanting to have sex. Also, everyone sins differently, God won't judge/put you down as he is forgiving.
(edited 10 years ago)
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