Would you stay friend with a girl who wrongly accused a man of rape
So this isn't a case of a girl falsely making an accusation of rape for revenge or attention(well I hope not). My close friend Emily, who has never had a boyfriend or even been kissed (I.e very sexually inexperienced) came for a drink with my other friend Matthew (name changed).
Emily doesn't haven many friends so I thought it might be nice for her to socialise. Well she never normally drinks but for some reason she started drinking loads and was pretty drunk by the time Matthew arrived. She was so drunk I said she should go to bed. She tried to get into her pyjamas but was so drunk she went to bed in her underwear, Matthew and I chatted for about an hour and then he left.
A few hours later as I was getting ready for bed she said she felt like she had had sex. I know for definite nothing happened. Matthew is gay for starters, and was with me the whole time so couldn't possibly have done anything.
I was astonished but reassured her Matthew had been with me the entire time so couldn't possibly have dine anything. I asked her why she had thought that she had been raped and she said she felt weird! I tried to be a good friend but eventually she got quite offensive saying maybe I was covering up for him.
I said if she really believed that something had happened to her she should go to the doctors. She did and they confirmed there was no evidence of any sexual assault but she still insists she feels like he did something.
This incident has had a horrible impact on Matthew who feels upset someone would think or say such a thing and he has had nasty phone calls from her only other friend. Matthew has said i can stay friends with her if I want but he doesn't wish to.
I feel sorry for her if she genuinely feels that way and if I stop contact I will leave her with only one friend who lives far away but I keep thinking her accusation was really wrong and also that she must be pretty weird to think shed been raped just because she woke up drunk!
Part of me wonders if she fancied Matthew or if she made it all up for attention but I don't think so. What would you do in this situation? Was it wrong for her to say what she did with no evidence?
Emily doesn't haven many friends so I thought it might be nice for her to socialise. Well she never normally drinks but for some reason she started drinking loads and was pretty drunk by the time Matthew arrived. She was so drunk I said she should go to bed. She tried to get into her pyjamas but was so drunk she went to bed in her underwear, Matthew and I chatted for about an hour and then he left.
A few hours later as I was getting ready for bed she said she felt like she had had sex. I know for definite nothing happened. Matthew is gay for starters, and was with me the whole time so couldn't possibly have done anything.
I was astonished but reassured her Matthew had been with me the entire time so couldn't possibly have dine anything. I asked her why she had thought that she had been raped and she said she felt weird! I tried to be a good friend but eventually she got quite offensive saying maybe I was covering up for him.
I said if she really believed that something had happened to her she should go to the doctors. She did and they confirmed there was no evidence of any sexual assault but she still insists she feels like he did something.
This incident has had a horrible impact on Matthew who feels upset someone would think or say such a thing and he has had nasty phone calls from her only other friend. Matthew has said i can stay friends with her if I want but he doesn't wish to.
I feel sorry for her if she genuinely feels that way and if I stop contact I will leave her with only one friend who lives far away but I keep thinking her accusation was really wrong and also that she must be pretty weird to think shed been raped just because she woke up drunk!
Part of me wonders if she fancied Matthew or if she made it all up for attention but I don't think so. What would you do in this situation? Was it wrong for her to say what she did with no evidence?
(edited 10 years ago)
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She strikes me as a rather childish person (that is: self-centered, not considerate of the consequences of her actions, not very rational).
Something like this might speak of character flaws which would make it difficult to like her or keep her as a friend.
However, I feel it is important to try and impress on her that nothing did happen, that her accusations are very hurtful and wrong, that Matthew has been hurt by this etc. In order to get that message across, at least temporarily you will need to offer her some "sympathy" and a "dignified way out" of what she's said, or she will find it too difficult to admit that she was wrong, and will simply ignore the issue / become more defensive / ingrain her belief that something must have happened (as this will be only way to protect her own ego).
Something like this might speak of character flaws which would make it difficult to like her or keep her as a friend.
However, I feel it is important to try and impress on her that nothing did happen, that her accusations are very hurtful and wrong, that Matthew has been hurt by this etc. In order to get that message across, at least temporarily you will need to offer her some "sympathy" and a "dignified way out" of what she's said, or she will find it too difficult to admit that she was wrong, and will simply ignore the issue / become more defensive / ingrain her belief that something must have happened (as this will be only way to protect her own ego).
She sounds a bit like a lunatic, wouldn't want her accusing one of my close friends of rape and so if she did (with me knowing that he didn't do such a thing) I think it'd damage the friendship quite significantly, and if she never let it go or tried to press charges then I wouldn't stay her friend
Sounds like the excessive drinking may have caused her to say that, but I don't know why she keeps insisting even after the doctor said there was no evidence of sexual assault.
She has never done anything else immature or anything which would suggest she would be like this. I m thankful for the replies as I can see thinks from a strangers perspective. She is also obsessed with her neighbour and talks about him all the time when he doesn't even know her so i think there is definitely a problem in that she doesn't lead a varied and fulfilling life. Maybe she wanted to believe Matthew would do that to her as she wants to feel attractive.
Well if she didn't go to the police it isn't that bad.
If she legally accused him of rape and prosecuted, that's inexcusable. I think accusing someone of rape and making them feel the consequences (if they didn't do it) is almost as bad as actual rape.
If she legally accused him of rape and prosecuted, that's inexcusable. I think accusing someone of rape and making them feel the consequences (if they didn't do it) is almost as bad as actual rape.
Original post by Mezza362
She has never done anything else immature or anything which would suggest she would be like this. I m thankful for the replies as I can see thinks from a strangers perspective. She is also obsessed with her neighbour and talks about him all the time when he doesn't even know her so i think there is definitely a problem in that she doesn't lead a varied and fulfilling life. Maybe she wanted to believe Matthew would do that to her as she wants to feel attractive.
Please could you reply in paragraphs
I've also moved this to relationships (edited 10 years ago)
It depends what her mental state, but on the whole falsely accusing men of rape is almost as bad as the act itself, it just makes genuine cases of rape victims less believable and put the innocent man through hell.
De monies I've started this thread for advice. Your comment has nothing to do with the thread and does not offer any perspective on the issue. I wouldn't consider paragraphs to be important. It's an online forum, not a Phd thesis but do not wish to discuss that further as want to stick to the subject at hand thanks.
What happens with such people is that sooner or later they are taken pity on usually by older, sex-hungry, more working class men who give them sufficient emotional intensity and material benefits to make them feel that they are powerful and, by the class difference, also make them feel more feminine.
She didn't even believe you when you said that Matthew had been with her the whole time so you are not seen so much a friend to her as an emotional power crutch.
Technically you could still be friends. Friends do not admire nor envy their friends. They feel kinship with their friends. But I don't think that you both feel the kinship with each other.
She didn't even believe you when you said that Matthew had been with her the whole time so you are not seen so much a friend to her as an emotional power crutch.
Technically you could still be friends. Friends do not admire nor envy their friends. They feel kinship with their friends. But I don't think that you both feel the kinship with each other.
Does she had a track record for being self-centered or fictitious in what she says? It could be possible that she has some sort of mental disorder, especially if this isn't a one-off.
Andrew she isn't a compulsive liar but she has previously lied about little things such as her sisters job and her grades at uni. She isn't completely happy with her life and has few friends and never had a boyfriend so she does feel quite frustrated. She is obsessed with her neighbour too but these were all thing I felt sorry for her over. There was nothing to suggest she would accuse someone of rape! It's really shocked me :-(
No way.
Original post by Mezza362
De monies I've started this thread for advice. Your comment has nothing to do with the thread and does not offer any perspective on the issue. I wouldn't consider paragraphs to be important. It's an online forum, not a Phd thesis but do not wish to discuss that further as want to stick to the subject at hand thanks.
He was asking you politely as it makes it easier to read rather than a wall of text on the screen. No need to be so hostile.
Try to talk and reason with her but if she's still being an idiot about it then she's not someone you want as a friend.
It's a bit odd that she got drunk when you said she normally never drinks. Maybe she was upset about something? Maybe something happened before she met up with you? Ask her about it because it's weird for someone to go from drinking nothing to drinking so much she doesn't remember things clearly.
Maybe she just gets vivid dreams? Or the effects of drinking too much were so foreign to her that she thought she'd been abused? Idk how she'd make that connection though :/
Falsely-accusing someone of rape is never right so it was definitely wrong for her to do so.
If she was my friend, I'd try to find out why she did it because maybe she's covering up something serious. Normal people don't throw around serious accusations like that without reason. If it turned out that she didn't have a reason then I wouldn't want her as a friend.
It's a bit odd that she got drunk when you said she normally never drinks. Maybe she was upset about something? Maybe something happened before she met up with you? Ask her about it because it's weird for someone to go from drinking nothing to drinking so much she doesn't remember things clearly.
Maybe she just gets vivid dreams? Or the effects of drinking too much were so foreign to her that she thought she'd been abused? Idk how she'd make that connection though :/
Falsely-accusing someone of rape is never right so it was definitely wrong for her to do so.
If she was my friend, I'd try to find out why she did it because maybe she's covering up something serious. Normal people don't throw around serious accusations like that without reason. If it turned out that she didn't have a reason then I wouldn't want her as a friend.
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