I'm a gay girl? and I'm uber-confused Watch

Anonymous #1
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Hey TSR!

(So I'm sorta writing this without an 'aim' as such, I just thought it'd be good to get it off my chest and get some advice).

I'm 17, and have thought that I could conceivably like girls since I was 15. But its all just a bit fuzzy; I guess on some level I doubted it on an arrogant, superficial level (I don't fit the 'ugly butch' stereotype at all), and also because I didn't understand homosexuality, after all, I haven't really liked a girl until now.

I began to think at 15 that I could conceivably be gay because: A) the thought of boys was just yuck, B)I had so many girl celebrity-crushes, C) despite not having liked a girl, it just made so much sense. From about 16 I started to have sorta crushes on girls... but to all my friends, I lied and just said I like 'x' guy.

Anywaaaaaay, now I've met this girl at college. I have no idea if she's gay or not (I'd go with the latter). I thought no at first, because like me, she doesn't fit the stereotype, but like me, she doesn't fit the stereotype?! I'm sorta getting signals from her, but I think its just because I'm like so infatuated with her, I've made myself think she likes me. But she goes out of her way to talk to me soooo.. but it all seems to good to be true and she's probably just being nice.. I dunno, its probably another ****ty-straight girl crush. Even if she was gay, she probably couldn't tell if I was gay because I'm so deep in the closet!

And that's the thing! I can't come out. It's so stupid, its like a compulsive lie, I just keep pretending I like boys and I can't even hint at liking girls, I mean, I can talk openly about girl-crushing on beyonce for example, but what girl doesn't? . I've had boyfriends knowing full well I'm not interested. Even when I go out, I'll maybe kiss a lad, and even when I'm absolutely plastered, I don't 'spill a bean'. Also, I sort of dread what my friends would say, I guess they'd be pretty cool about it, after all, there's a gay guy in my close friendship group (which is all girls except him), but a gay girl and a gay boy is different, and I wouldn't want it to make things awkward and we can be a group of *****es hahaha. As to coming out to my family, they'd be alright about it, but I just can't tell them. I haven't tried to come out yet, admittedly, but I just feel like its never going to happen. This just adds to my confusion, because I don't feel like I can talk about it, even with my closest friends (in fact, when I'm with them, it doesn't occur to me to tell them) and this just throws me further back in the closet.

Anyway, that's it I guess, any input?
Thanks xox
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feathergirl
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Hiya!
firstly, hope it helped a little to get it off your chest
Secondly, it's really awesome that you're being open with yourself about who you are, that's the first step in being a bit less confused.
Seriously though there is no way you can tell if someone is gay by comparing them to a stereotype. Just because you're not 'butch' doesn't mean you're not gay, and the same for other people. I know a lot of gay girls who are incredibly feminine it's just that for some reason we perpetuate the idea that females who exert masculine characteristics are lesbians. Soooo, the girl at college might like you/ might not / may be just as confused as you, you just gotta find out que flirting

Don't worry about telling your friends at the moment. If you've got one friend whose particularly close to you, it might be useful to confide in them. (so far i've only come out as bi/gay to one friend and it feels like a massive weight off my shoulders). I kinda feel like there'll be a right time to come out to a few more people, but for me that's not right now.

A really cool/useful resource is everyoneisgay.com (i'm not PR for them, honest) there's loads of videos and Q&As about stuff you might be worrying about.
Also, feel free to send me a PM if you wanna chat about anything!
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prodschool
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Hey!
I don't know if what I'll say will help you but my situation is very close to yours!... I've been attracted to girls since I've been a teenager but never got a girlfriend. I just had this big crush at uni at the beginning of this year like you and all I can say is: be very careful, because it was really painful when I discovered she was straight... Since this happened, I've felt the need to come out to my family and closest friends and it gets better but in a way, I still don't have a girlfriend and that makes me nervous and doubting. Being in the closet (I still am to most people) is very hard and with time I've discovered a few means to feel a little relief: for instance, this video really helped, maybe you already know it : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NRg7VLzkuY
That's it, hoped that helped feeling a litte support ;-)
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by feathergirl)
Hiya!
firstly, hope it helped a little to get it off your chest
Secondly, it's really awesome that you're being open with yourself about who you are, that's the first step in being a bit less confused.
Seriously though there is no way you can tell if someone is gay by comparing them to a stereotype. Just because you're not 'butch' doesn't mean you're not gay, and the same for other people. I know a lot of gay girls who are incredibly feminine it's just that for some reason we perpetuate the idea that females who exert masculine characteristics are lesbians. Soooo, the girl at college might like you/ might not / may be just as confused as you, you just gotta find out que flirting

Don't worry about telling your friends at the moment. If you've got one friend whose particularly close to you, it might be useful to confide in them. (so far i've only come out as bi/gay to one friend and it feels like a massive weight off my shoulders). I kinda feel like there'll be a right time to come out to a few more people, but for me that's not right now.

A really cool/useful resource is everyoneisgay.com (i'm not PR for them, honest) there's loads of videos and Q&As about stuff you might be worrying about.
Also, feel free to send me a PM if you wanna chat about anything!
Thanks! I'm just trying to like, not let it get me down, after all, I get that being gay isn't bad- I watched some video on youtube saying how this girl reckons 'we won the lottery' since like only 10% are gay lmao!
(Original post by prodschool)
Hey!
I don't know if what I'll say will help you but my situation is very close to yours!... I've been attracted to girls since I've been a teenager but never got a girlfriend. I just had this big crush at uni at the beginning of this year like you and all I can say is: be very careful, because it was really painful when I discovered she was straight... Since this happened, I've felt the need to come out to my family and closest friends and it gets better but in a way, I still don't have a girlfriend and that makes me nervous and doubting. Being in the closet (I still am to most people) is very hard and with time I've discovered a few means to feel a little relief: for instance, this video really helped, maybe you already know it : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NRg7VLzkuY
That's it, hoped that helped feeling a litte support ;-)
Thanks! Straight-girl crushes are the worst, and I have a feeling they're going to get worse hahaha! And I'm the same as you, if I had a girl friend, I'd find it much easier to 'define' myself and have the confidence to come out but well-done on coming out and thanks for the link too!
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nathan2k1
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Communication is the key!

With good communication you will tend to avoid much of that:-

"I'm sorta getting signals from her, but I think its just because I'm like so infatuated with her, I've made myself think she likes me"

It's easy at your age to start presuming what you think she's thinking, but the only way to truly know her is to ask her.
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prodschool
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks! Straight-girl crushes are the worst, and I have a feeling they're going to get worse hahaha! And I'm the same as you, if I had a girl friend, I'd find it much easier to 'define' myself and have the confidence to come out but well-done on coming out and thanks for the link too!
You're welcome, these girls are awesome (they just did an amazing meet-up this week in London, couldn't go unfortunately...). It wasn't too difficult for me to come out as most of my entourage is very supportive. I wish you all the best with it

Communication is the key!
Sure it is, but you surely want to keep her as a friend so it's probably better to be careful. Some girls just want to "try" a lesbian relationship, or check if you're gay so that they can speak on your back afterwards... (sorry, I don't know her, she probably isn't that way, but sometimes it is not so easy to know when you're in love...) I'd advise also to not ask her friends neither (their opinion is often not really clear and sometimes they only want to see what would happen if you'd ask her out)... Actually, the only safe way is to wait. If there are feelings, they will reveal themselves later, just the same as with guys actually! (and it also could make everything more romantic ) I'm sorry, what I say may sound exaggerate but you never know and it would bother me to know that another lesbian girl is getting sad because of these matters. There are so plenty of other things to enjoy in this world and I think that the more we enjoy our lives, the more we will be likely to find our soul mate.
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks prodschool!- I think times the answer, yanno, since I can't see myself coming out any time soon haha, I'm not ready and I don't feel that comfortable
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alow
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You're not drinking enough. A bottle of vodka and a room full of close friends was all I needed to come out, plus if you tell her while you're drunk if she doesn't feel the same you can just say you don't remember/didn't mean it because you were too drunk.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by alow)
You're not drinking enough. A bottle of vodka and a room full of close friends was all I needed to come out, plus if you tell her while you're drunk if she doesn't feel the same you can just say you don't remember/didn't mean it because you were too drunk.
Hahahaha! Maybe maybe Though there has been times where I haven't remembered getting in, woke up the next day with a few texts, and I've thought shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiit have I told them?:eek: but then its people either worrying if I got home safely, or saying omg you were so funny last night (but still made no reference to being gay )... I do like the idea of saying I was drunk so didn't mean it though
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alow
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hahahaha! Maybe maybe Though there has been times where I haven't remembered getting in, woke up the next day with a few texts, and I've thought shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiit have I told them?:eek: but then its people either worrying if I got home safely, or saying omg you were so funny last night (but still made no reference to being gay )... I do like the idea of saying I was drunk so didn't mean it though
Worked for me I didn't realise until the morning after when I checked my phone and there were loads of texts...

At least it would be less likely to ruin your friendship if she didn't feel the same about you (or if she does, you get a girlfriend).
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LANA DEL ME BBY
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(Original post by alow)
Worked for me I didn't realise until the morning after when I checked my phone and there were loads of texts...

At least it would be less likely to ruin your friendship if she didn't feel the same about you (or if she does, you get a grilfriend).
That's how one of my friends came out, she obviously a great reception because we were all wasted and like 'babe we love you not matter what *whilst falling all over the place*'. A couple of days after we did question her about it, but she couldn't really deny it, after all we all kind of had an inkling and told her we knew for ages (we didn't force her to admit it soberly although it may come across like that)- and remember that anon! You said you had a boyfriend, well so did she, but best friends can always tell when you're truly happy, and they compare you when you're talking about male and female celeb crushes etc.. even just over silly things, like my friend only listens to 'hot' female singers haha. You said your friends can be *****y, well if they're not cool with you coming out, get rid of them, they're not worth it! :party: Yay for pride!
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks guys! x
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prodschool
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks prodschool!- I think times the answer, yanno, since I can't see myself coming out any time soon haha, I'm not ready and I don't feel that comfortable
As I said, you're welcome Of course, take your time for coming out, it's an important step in your life and actually, I don't think that the drunken coming out is a good idea, even if I'm really shy too... In fact, either you're super drunk and you take the risk to speak and react bad, either you're just a little drunk, and in that case you won't be able to say you didn't mean it. I would rather advise you to gradually tell your entire entourage so that you can choose the right words and moment for each person. The same goes for your crush: just give her little hints that you like her :date: or that you're gay (talk about Beyonce or whatever ), so that you see her reactions and know if she is attracted to girls and if something is conceivably possible between you two.
But of course, this is just my opinion, and you have to make it the way you feel is the best! Cheers and good luck with it, stay proud
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afeatherofabird
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Hi!

I'm also a 17 year old gay girl - I was pretty much in your position until really recently.

The first step to coming out is to come out to yourself Seriously the internet has so many resources where LGBT people thrive (YouTube is the main one for me - there's so many lesbian youtubers who do lots of videos of their coming out stories, talking about their girlfriends and other LGBT issues, and it's great for making you feel like you're not the only one which it can really feel like if nobody is out in your school like in my case.) It's important to only come out when YOU feel comfortable, not because you feel like you should! The hardest part is the first time you come out because you really don't know what to expect - I recommend you pick someone you really trust, like feathergirl said. I chose my best friend I've only had positive reactions so far which is good!

The first time you come out is so scary, but trust me after that you feel so much closer to the person! (in my experience anyway, I'm out to my close friends now and I feel a lot more trusting of them now that they know). I'm not out to everyone in my school, simply because I don't see a reason why people I don't know should know about my sexuality. I'm not out to my family yet either - I just haven't found a good time yet. I've never had a girlfriend, but I'd feel a lot more comfortable coming out to them if I had one so that she could... support me? And it might feel more real? sigh

Most people above have already said this, but seriously, a stereotype is just a stereotype and there's plenty of girls who don't fit it. I have long hair and generally look quite feminine, yet I am totally gaaaay. Most people are really surprised when I tell them and I've been told I don't "look gay". It's really annoying! What you look like says nothing about the sort of people you love. I think if "straight" wasn't the default then we wouldn't have that problem! Here's a video I like to watch when I feel sad about it, so maybe it'll help you too (it's a short video featuring a bunch of feminine lesbians with the same issue as us.)

I've had so many girl crushes it's unreal (I have one now, incidentally, but I don't think she feels the same way... sob) I'd say just get to know her a bit more (get her number, text her a bit, maybe arrange to meet up outside of college sometime) and maaaaybe if you feel comfortable enough and get a good level of trust, come out to her and see how she reacts! I would recommend telling someone else before you tell her though, just so you have a support system if it doesn't work out the way you hoped

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about it - I need more LGBT friends in my life!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by afeatherofabird)
Hi!

I'm also a 17 year old gay girl - I was pretty much in your position until really recently.

The first step to coming out is to come out to yourself Seriously the internet has so many resources where LGBT people thrive (YouTube is the main one for me - there's so many lesbian youtubers who do lots of videos of their coming out stories, talking about their girlfriends and other LGBT issues, and it's great for making you feel like you're not the only one which it can really feel like if nobody is out in your school like in my case.) It's important to only come out when YOU feel comfortable, not because you feel like you should! The hardest part is the first time you come out because you really don't know what to expect - I recommend you pick someone you really trust, like feathergirl said. I chose my best friend I've only had positive reactions so far which is good!

The first time you come out is so scary, but trust me after that you feel so much closer to the person! (in my experience anyway, I'm out to my close friends now and I feel a lot more trusting of them now that they know). I'm not out to everyone in my school, simply because I don't see a reason why people I don't know should know about my sexuality. I'm not out to my family yet either - I just haven't found a good time yet. I've never had a girlfriend, but I'd feel a lot more comfortable coming out to them if I had one so that she could... support me? And it might feel more real? sigh

Most people above have already said this, but seriously, a stereotype is just a stereotype and there's plenty of girls who don't fit it. I have long hair and generally look quite feminine, yet I am totally gaaaay. Most people are really surprised when I tell them and I've been told I don't "look gay". It's really annoying! What you look like says nothing about the sort of people you love. I think if "straight" wasn't the default then we wouldn't have that problem! Here's a video I like to watch when I feel sad about it, so maybe it'll help you too (it's a short video featuring a bunch of feminine lesbians with the same issue as us.)

I've had so many girl crushes it's unreal (I have one now, incidentally, but I don't think she feels the same way... sob) I'd say just get to know her a bit more (get her number, text her a bit, maybe arrange to meet up outside of college sometime) and maaaaybe if you feel comfortable enough and get a good level of trust, come out to her and see how she reacts! I would recommend telling someone else before you tell her though, just so you have a support system if it doesn't work out the way you hoped

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about it - I need more LGBT friends in my life!
I agree that if I had a girlfriend it feel real haha, I mean I never kissed a girl (other than a three way kiss on NYE with my girlies haha), I just wish I could be more open, but its seems so life-changing and I'm just not sure if I'm ready. I've already been watching loaaaaaaaaads of youtube videos,, <3 roseellendix , and that video is so true about lack of fem visibility!
athanks! x
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afeatherofabird
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I agree that if I had a girlfriend it feel real haha, I mean I never kissed a girl (other than a three way kiss on NYE with my girlies haha), I just wish I could be more open, but its seems so life-changing and I'm just not sure if I'm ready. I've already been watching loaaaaaaaaads of youtube videos,, <3 roseellendix , and that video is so true about lack of fem visibility!
athanks! x
I've never really kissed a girl either... Such a shame, as according to Katy Perry their lips are very kissable (I've kissed boys when I was a lot younger... it was very yuck as far as I recall)

Don't worry about coming out if you don't feel ready yet I was actually in the closet for three years before I felt ready to tell my first person! Sexuality is a personal thing, after all.

Tbh I'm not sure if coming out is actually as entirely life changing as you think... I think it depends on the person you tell I've had a variety of reactions (all positive) from "OH MY GOD SQUEEEE THIS IS SO EXCITING. DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? WHAT SORT OF GIRLS DO YOU LIKE? AM I HOT?!" to "Oh, okay... cool." But in the end it didn't really change my relationship with the person I told much - after all sexuality doesn't really say anything about you apart from the kind of person you would fall in love with I just felt a lot more open with them (just because, like what Ellen Page said in her coming out speech, I no longer felt like I was "lying by omission"), and it was useful for when the conversation turns to boys as my friends now include me and ask me about hot girls... I also get to talk about my crushes and other stuff with them, which is cool!

But there's some people in my outer circle of friends/in my school who I know I would never tell because I know a couple of them are quite homophobic. (I only realised this as I got older and distanced myself from them accordingly). There is a possibility that some people might be uneducated and not take it very well if you come out to them. That isn't your fault, and it's up to you if you want to come out to them (if they're homophobic it generally means they would go against your values so it's not really worth being close friends with them anyway, imo). I only tell my close friends because they're the people who really matter

You sound awesome. Don't feel pressured into coming out - it's best to come out when the time is right for you as you're more likely to feel comfortable with it. And if you're comfortable with it, then it's more likely that the person will take you seriously and be comfortable with it too

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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by afeatherofabird)
I've never really kissed a girl either... Such a shame, as according to Katy Perry their lips are very kissable (I've kissed boys when I was a lot younger... it was very yuck as far as I recall)

Don't worry about coming out if you don't feel ready yet I was actually in the closet for three years before I felt ready to tell my first person! Sexuality is a personal thing, after all.

Tbh I'm not sure if coming out is actually as entirely life changing as you think... I think it depends on the person you tell I've had a variety of reactions (all positive) from "OH MY GOD SQUEEEE THIS IS SO EXCITING. DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? WHAT SORT OF GIRLS DO YOU LIKE? AM I HOT?!" to "Oh, okay... cool." But in the end it didn't really change my relationship with the person I told much - after all sexuality doesn't really say anything about you apart from the kind of person you would fall in love with I just felt a lot more open with them (just because, like what Ellen Page said in her coming out speech, I no longer felt like I was "lying by omission"), and it was useful for when the conversation turns to boys as my friends now include me and ask me about hot girls... I also get to talk about my crushes and other stuff with them, which is cool!

But there's some people in my outer circle of friends/in my school who I know I would never tell because I know a couple of them are quite homophobic. (I only realised this as I got older and distanced myself from them accordingly). There is a possibility that some people might be uneducated and not take it very well if you come out to them. That isn't your fault, and it's up to you if you want to come out to them (if they're homophobic it generally means they would go against your values so it's not really worth being close friends with them anyway, imo). I only tell my close friends because they're the people who really matter

You sound awesome. Don't feel pressured into coming out - it's best to come out when the time is right for you as you're more likely to feel comfortable with it. And if you're comfortable with it, then it's more likely that the person will take you seriously and be comfortable with it too

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Yea, never kissed a girl, but I just kissed a guy last night, arrrgh hate drunk me, its weird 'cos I've like known for 2 years-ish but still don't quite believe it. ^That's probably why haha

But if I told my friends, I imagine they'd be all really vocal about it (in a good girlie 'omg who'd ya like, am I hot' way, abut a couple be really *****y (they've spoken like this about another girl who's gay in my year) and be quite offensive, and I get upset waaaaay too easily... Plus I don't really like being completely open with all my feelings
Meh, I'll just give it time :rolleyes:
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Treeroy
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All that matters is that you come out when you're comfortable. Don't just get drunk and try to tell people then - personally I think that is quite a bad idea. Tell a close friend when you feel you're able to - coming out even just to one person can really help. If you can, maybe you should talk to the gay guy you mentioned? Even if he isn't your best friend, he will be the most understanding - and he won't tell anyone either, since he knows what it's like and he has gone through the same process.

And remember that if your friends have accepted him, they will accept you. Don't worry about that.

It's all about you being comfortable, so when you are comfortable enough to tell everyone, you haven't got anything to worry about
And don't think that you'll never come out. It's a really long process haha it's not overnight. It can take years to come out to others once you have come out to yourself. You'll get there. Promise! <3

As for this girl - she's probably not gay, but you can never know. She probably just sees you as a friend if she likes talking to you. I wouldn't make advances on her, particularly because you're not comfortable with everyone knowing. For now: have you asked her if she's got a boyfriend?

Best of luck c: and remember you will get there in the end, wherever 'there' is.
If you want someone to talk to about it, feel free to PM me. I accepted I was gay at 15, after years of liking guys but being in complete denial, and I came out last year when I was 17. So I know how confused you might be
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(Original post by Treeroy)
All that matters is that you come out when you're comfortable. Don't just get drunk and try to tell people then - personally I think that is quite a bad idea. Tell a close friend when you feel you're able to - coming out even just to one person can really help. If you can, maybe you should talk to the gay guy you mentioned? Even if he isn't your best friend, he will be the most understanding - and he won't tell anyone either, since he knows what it's like and he has gone through the same process.

And remember that if your friends have accepted him, they will accept you. Don't worry about that.

It's all about you being comfortable, so when you are comfortable enough to tell everyone, you haven't got anything to worry about
And don't think that you'll never come out. It's a really long process haha it's not overnight. It can take years to come out to others once you have come out to yourself. You'll get there. Promise! <3

As for this girl - she's probably not gay, but you can never know. She probably just sees you as a friend if she likes talking to you. I wouldn't make advances on her, particularly because you're not comfortable with everyone knowing. For now: have you asked her if she's got a boyfriend?

Best of luck c: and remember you will get there in the end, wherever 'there' is.
If you want someone to talk to about it, feel free to PM me. I accepted I was gay at 15, after years of liking guys but being in complete denial, and I came out last year when I was 17. So I know how confused you might be
Yea yea haha, I was only joking about coming out drunk (watch it, that'll be the way I end up coming out) and I was actually considering talking to the guy since he's still sorta in the process not having told his parents. But I'm still no where near ready, like you said it can take ageeees hahaha

Thanks a lot :* x
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