I think I'm trans but it's freaking me out and would ruin my life
I've always just never liked being a girl. Since I was young. Whilst the other girls played house, I wanted to play videogames, play with dinosaurs and cars. Their favourite Disney princess was Jasmine and Ariel, mine was Mulan. I loved power rangers, tmnt, sonic, etc.
Growing up, I didn't get along with other girls my age because they didn't like playing the same things I did. They found the stuff I liked weird. Only boys liked the stuff I did, but wouldn't let me play because I was a girl.
As a teenager, I went to school being referred to as an "almost tomboy". I played the part of the goody-two-shoes with perfect grades, sensible manners and simple presentation. On the inside, I yearned to destroy this picturesque thing I was and loathed myself. I still had no "girly" interests. I was resigned to my fate at this age, just deeming it as how things are, but feeling unsatisfied. However, one thing that happened in my teens was learn about LGBTQ+. As shocking as it is, I didn't know that people could be gay until the age of eleven, blame the conservative upbringing and growing up in the 2000s for that. The concept of a girl being a guy didn't even cross my mind until this time. I always had a strange gravitation to the topic I couldn't explain until I got older, but always kept the knowledge and interest toward it private, like some kind of secret that wasn't allowed. Seeing individuals "come out the closet", and live life as their true selves became something I watched in awe and what I later discovered, envy.
As an adult, I've stopped wearing dresses. My mum once took me dress shopping for a party and we had to go back even though we'd reached the area by train because I started crying at the prospect of having to wear one. I hated the idea of how it would look on me and how it would make me look. I dreamed of wearing suits instead, loving the practicality compared to the nightmare a dress is. Loving how I wouldn't need to wear torturous heels just because everyone else does. However, wearing a suit as a girl to those kinds of parties would make me look like a weirdo (the type of crowd would just not be okay with it). I decided to stop going to parties that would require me to wear this kind of stuff primarily because of all this. We were later picked up by my dad at the station back home. I told my parents I didn't want to go to the party, they were fine with it. After a while, they parked the car and left to get something. I sat there for a solid 30 minutes, mind reeling over what happened. This was the first time this issue had actually done something that affected life in the real world. This moment was what made me really consider that maybe I really, genuinely, am not okay with being a girl. In the car, I audibly whispered the question to myself, "am I trans?", for the first time. Something that had only occasionally popped into my head, said out loud to myself for the first time.
I stick to wearing clothes that are pretty unisex, androgynous, and baggy, because I don't want to accentuate stuff I don't like. I never wear anything tight. I wear silver jewellery that's from the men's section, things like snakes and skulls, aliens and outer-space (idk man this stuff is just what I like better).
I am also often frustrated by the restrictions that come with my gender. Having an asian background, there are certain things that are just not plausible for me to do just because I'm a girl, like go out late by myself, having a relationship before marriage (yet it's excused for boys...), travelling to another country or city on my own, etc. How in the society I grew up with, it's expected to get married by a certain age and have kids, and if you don't, you're a weirdo and there's something wrong with you.
I feel like none of these issues would exist if I were a guy.
However, in the culture I've grown up in, being trans is one of the biggest taboos. It would basically blacklist you from everything, family, social gatherings, marriage proposals, just basic communication. No one would want to associate with you. And the gossip would run amok, your named and family honour tarnished for life, and you'd be the butt end of every joke.
My parents and siblings would probably eventually accept. But I don't think the rest would ever, they already have a slew of other issues like racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. that they never learned to get rid of even into old age.
You could say, "why not just cut them off"? It would ruin my family's life. Call me sacrificial but I can't do that to them. Cutting off those people would mean cutting off everyone. Everyone. And my parents would just have to deal with a torrent of insults and humiliation because of me for the rest of their lives. I could never do that to my parents.
There's also the fact if I did become a guy... I don't think I would find anyone who would like me... since I would be into guys... but would guys like someone who's a trans guy (would this make me gay?). (I'm still trying to understand what all of this means to me, and have felt I've always had to figure this all out by myself, which hasn't been easy). For some reason, I feel I would be less desirable this way, a part of me gets melancholic that living my true self would cut potential partners down immensely.
So I exist in this state of limbo. Not really me. But I do dream.
I dream of getting a motorbike and riding it out late in the night. I often imagine myself with shorter hair, dyed and styled in ways I've never done so before. I want to dress like a guy. Lose weight, build lean muscle instead. Learn how to fight so no one can take advantage of my on the streets. Be my own person, free. Travelling Europe and watching sunsets with no fear of curfew. Be a guy...?
I'm now in a position where the appearance I have is something I just don't really acknowledge. I don't see it as myself. I can't see it as myself. It's caused me to be withdrawn, afraid to act openly, ended up losing the ability to socialise like I used to. Reclusive, shut in, because if I can't be who I want to be, why do anything? Social anxiety is at an all time high and I do see myself as chronically depressed.
I feel like it has genuinely affected my mental health all these years because I'm living a lie and I'm not being true to myself.
So I'm stuck. And everyday passes the more numb I get to this issue I have because if I had to feel what I feel I don't think I could mentally take it.
Be who I am and ruin my life, wear the mask in eternal misery.
Growing up, I didn't get along with other girls my age because they didn't like playing the same things I did. They found the stuff I liked weird. Only boys liked the stuff I did, but wouldn't let me play because I was a girl.
As a teenager, I went to school being referred to as an "almost tomboy". I played the part of the goody-two-shoes with perfect grades, sensible manners and simple presentation. On the inside, I yearned to destroy this picturesque thing I was and loathed myself. I still had no "girly" interests. I was resigned to my fate at this age, just deeming it as how things are, but feeling unsatisfied. However, one thing that happened in my teens was learn about LGBTQ+. As shocking as it is, I didn't know that people could be gay until the age of eleven, blame the conservative upbringing and growing up in the 2000s for that. The concept of a girl being a guy didn't even cross my mind until this time. I always had a strange gravitation to the topic I couldn't explain until I got older, but always kept the knowledge and interest toward it private, like some kind of secret that wasn't allowed. Seeing individuals "come out the closet", and live life as their true selves became something I watched in awe and what I later discovered, envy.
As an adult, I've stopped wearing dresses. My mum once took me dress shopping for a party and we had to go back even though we'd reached the area by train because I started crying at the prospect of having to wear one. I hated the idea of how it would look on me and how it would make me look. I dreamed of wearing suits instead, loving the practicality compared to the nightmare a dress is. Loving how I wouldn't need to wear torturous heels just because everyone else does. However, wearing a suit as a girl to those kinds of parties would make me look like a weirdo (the type of crowd would just not be okay with it). I decided to stop going to parties that would require me to wear this kind of stuff primarily because of all this. We were later picked up by my dad at the station back home. I told my parents I didn't want to go to the party, they were fine with it. After a while, they parked the car and left to get something. I sat there for a solid 30 minutes, mind reeling over what happened. This was the first time this issue had actually done something that affected life in the real world. This moment was what made me really consider that maybe I really, genuinely, am not okay with being a girl. In the car, I audibly whispered the question to myself, "am I trans?", for the first time. Something that had only occasionally popped into my head, said out loud to myself for the first time.
I stick to wearing clothes that are pretty unisex, androgynous, and baggy, because I don't want to accentuate stuff I don't like. I never wear anything tight. I wear silver jewellery that's from the men's section, things like snakes and skulls, aliens and outer-space (idk man this stuff is just what I like better).
I am also often frustrated by the restrictions that come with my gender. Having an asian background, there are certain things that are just not plausible for me to do just because I'm a girl, like go out late by myself, having a relationship before marriage (yet it's excused for boys...), travelling to another country or city on my own, etc. How in the society I grew up with, it's expected to get married by a certain age and have kids, and if you don't, you're a weirdo and there's something wrong with you.
I feel like none of these issues would exist if I were a guy.
However, in the culture I've grown up in, being trans is one of the biggest taboos. It would basically blacklist you from everything, family, social gatherings, marriage proposals, just basic communication. No one would want to associate with you. And the gossip would run amok, your named and family honour tarnished for life, and you'd be the butt end of every joke.
My parents and siblings would probably eventually accept. But I don't think the rest would ever, they already have a slew of other issues like racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. that they never learned to get rid of even into old age.
You could say, "why not just cut them off"? It would ruin my family's life. Call me sacrificial but I can't do that to them. Cutting off those people would mean cutting off everyone. Everyone. And my parents would just have to deal with a torrent of insults and humiliation because of me for the rest of their lives. I could never do that to my parents.
There's also the fact if I did become a guy... I don't think I would find anyone who would like me... since I would be into guys... but would guys like someone who's a trans guy (would this make me gay?). (I'm still trying to understand what all of this means to me, and have felt I've always had to figure this all out by myself, which hasn't been easy). For some reason, I feel I would be less desirable this way, a part of me gets melancholic that living my true self would cut potential partners down immensely.
So I exist in this state of limbo. Not really me. But I do dream.
I dream of getting a motorbike and riding it out late in the night. I often imagine myself with shorter hair, dyed and styled in ways I've never done so before. I want to dress like a guy. Lose weight, build lean muscle instead. Learn how to fight so no one can take advantage of my on the streets. Be my own person, free. Travelling Europe and watching sunsets with no fear of curfew. Be a guy...?
I'm now in a position where the appearance I have is something I just don't really acknowledge. I don't see it as myself. I can't see it as myself. It's caused me to be withdrawn, afraid to act openly, ended up losing the ability to socialise like I used to. Reclusive, shut in, because if I can't be who I want to be, why do anything? Social anxiety is at an all time high and I do see myself as chronically depressed.
I feel like it has genuinely affected my mental health all these years because I'm living a lie and I'm not being true to myself.
So I'm stuck. And everyday passes the more numb I get to this issue I have because if I had to feel what I feel I don't think I could mentally take it.
Be who I am and ruin my life, wear the mask in eternal misery.
I don't know if you're looking to responses for this or just wanted to vent, but I have to say this hit extremely hard, and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Unfortunately I relate to pretty much everything you said - not even knowing about LGBTQ+ people before high school, always being a "tomboy", the way I feel about wearing dresses, your sentence about just not acknowledging your appearance. I'm not from an Asian household, but my parents are pretty conservative and outright told me they would be "disappointed" if I transitioned, repeatedly tell me I'll never actually be a guy, and refuse to even acknowledge the possibility of me transitioning until I'm 25 (I came out at 15, and I'm nearly 20 now. So it was a 10 year ultimatum, and I've still got half of it to go). So, if it's any consolation, you're definitely not alone in this.
I don't even have the words to say how sorry I am that there doesn't seem to be an easy way out of this. The only other option I can offer depends on your age and future plans, and it's what I'm doing now: basically living a double life. I may have very controlling parents, but they don't know everything I do at university. I am out to my friends, going by my chosen name and pronouns. I can't do much in the way of physically transitioning, but I'm trying to do what I can. And while things are still the same limbo, as you put it, at home, for at least some of the time, I can get a glimpse of that dream, and it's something I can hold onto. Of course, it comes with its own problems - I have to be careful if my parents ever visit, worried about a friend calling me by name on the way past, and sometimes it makes going home a bit harder when I know I have to go back to the misgendering and everything else. But, ultimately, it's better than living the lie at university as well as at home.
You can also live as yourself online, if you have the privacy to be able to do so. I'm an author, and I write under my chosen name and a pen-name surname, so I have several related accounts where I get to express myself even a little. It means another secret from my parents, but, again, it's about finding those small outlets, those little places where you don't have to hide the truth.
As to your point on relationships, I definitely feel you on worrying about being able to find someone. Unfortunately I have zero relationship experience, so I can't offer much advice, but I will say that if you are a guy who only likes guys, that would generally mean you're gay. But whether you choose that label or a different one or no label at all, that's entirely up to you. And while there will be some guys who don't want to be with a trans partner, I promise there will be others who will.
I absolutely wish I could do more for you. While I feel I will likely get to 25 and end up cutting off my family (the only person who would likely stay in contact with me would be my sister), I appreciate this might not be an option for you. I may not be familiar with the cultural aspects of the consequences of doing so, but I understand that you don't want to bring them harm. But I would encourage you to think about what you could/would do if you were never to transition, because I really understand what that limbo feels like, and it sounds like it's really hurting you too. They're your family, but you shouldn't have to destroy yourself for them.
I don't know if my reply will be any help or comfort, but I really hope things get better for you soon <3
I don't even have the words to say how sorry I am that there doesn't seem to be an easy way out of this. The only other option I can offer depends on your age and future plans, and it's what I'm doing now: basically living a double life. I may have very controlling parents, but they don't know everything I do at university. I am out to my friends, going by my chosen name and pronouns. I can't do much in the way of physically transitioning, but I'm trying to do what I can. And while things are still the same limbo, as you put it, at home, for at least some of the time, I can get a glimpse of that dream, and it's something I can hold onto. Of course, it comes with its own problems - I have to be careful if my parents ever visit, worried about a friend calling me by name on the way past, and sometimes it makes going home a bit harder when I know I have to go back to the misgendering and everything else. But, ultimately, it's better than living the lie at university as well as at home.
You can also live as yourself online, if you have the privacy to be able to do so. I'm an author, and I write under my chosen name and a pen-name surname, so I have several related accounts where I get to express myself even a little. It means another secret from my parents, but, again, it's about finding those small outlets, those little places where you don't have to hide the truth.
As to your point on relationships, I definitely feel you on worrying about being able to find someone. Unfortunately I have zero relationship experience, so I can't offer much advice, but I will say that if you are a guy who only likes guys, that would generally mean you're gay. But whether you choose that label or a different one or no label at all, that's entirely up to you. And while there will be some guys who don't want to be with a trans partner, I promise there will be others who will.
I absolutely wish I could do more for you. While I feel I will likely get to 25 and end up cutting off my family (the only person who would likely stay in contact with me would be my sister), I appreciate this might not be an option for you. I may not be familiar with the cultural aspects of the consequences of doing so, but I understand that you don't want to bring them harm. But I would encourage you to think about what you could/would do if you were never to transition, because I really understand what that limbo feels like, and it sounds like it's really hurting you too. They're your family, but you shouldn't have to destroy yourself for them.
I don't know if my reply will be any help or comfort, but I really hope things get better for you soon <3
Original post by Anonymous
I've always just never liked being a girl. Since I was young. Whilst the other girls played house, I wanted to play videogames, play with dinosaurs and cars. Their favourite Disney princess was Jasmine and Ariel, mine was Mulan. I loved power rangers, tmnt, sonic, etc.
Growing up, I didn't get along with other girls my age because they didn't like playing the same things I did. They found the stuff I liked weird. Only boys liked the stuff I did, but wouldn't let me play because I was a girl.
As a teenager, I went to school being referred to as an "almost tomboy". I played the part of the goody-two-shoes with perfect grades, sensible manners and simple presentation. On the inside, I yearned to destroy this picturesque thing I was and loathed myself. I still had no "girly" interests. I was resigned to my fate at this age, just deeming it as how things are, but feeling unsatisfied. However, one thing that happened in my teens was learn about LGBTQ+. As shocking as it is, I didn't know that people could be gay until the age of eleven, blame the conservative upbringing and growing up in the 2000s for that. The concept of a girl being a guy didn't even cross my mind until this time. I always had a strange gravitation to the topic I couldn't explain until I got older, but always kept the knowledge and interest toward it private, like some kind of secret that wasn't allowed. Seeing individuals "come out the closet", and live life as their true selves became something I watched in awe and what I later discovered, envy.
As an adult, I've stopped wearing dresses. My mum once took me dress shopping for a party and we had to go back even though we'd reached the area by train because I started crying at the prospect of having to wear one. I hated the idea of how it would look on me and how it would make me look. I dreamed of wearing suits instead, loving the practicality compared to the nightmare a dress is. Loving how I wouldn't need to wear torturous heels just because everyone else does. However, wearing a suit as a girl to those kinds of parties would make me look like a weirdo (the type of crowd would just not be okay with it). I decided to stop going to parties that would require me to wear this kind of stuff primarily because of all this. We were later picked up by my dad at the station back home. I told my parents I didn't want to go to the party, they were fine with it. After a while, they parked the car and left to get something. I sat there for a solid 30 minutes, mind reeling over what happened. This was the first time this issue had actually done something that affected life in the real world. This moment was what made me really consider that maybe I really, genuinely, am not okay with being a girl. In the car, I audibly whispered the question to myself, "am I trans?", for the first time. Something that had only occasionally popped into my head, said out loud to myself for the first time.
I stick to wearing clothes that are pretty unisex, androgynous, and baggy, because I don't want to accentuate stuff I don't like. I never wear anything tight. I wear silver jewellery that's from the men's section, things like snakes and skulls, aliens and outer-space (idk man this stuff is just what I like better).
I am also often frustrated by the restrictions that come with my gender. Having an asian background, there are certain things that are just not plausible for me to do just because I'm a girl, like go out late by myself, having a relationship before marriage (yet it's excused for boys...), travelling to another country or city on my own, etc. How in the society I grew up with, it's expected to get married by a certain age and have kids, and if you don't, you're a weirdo and there's something wrong with you.
I feel like none of these issues would exist if I were a guy.
However, in the culture I've grown up in, being trans is one of the biggest taboos. It would basically blacklist you from everything, family, social gatherings, marriage proposals, just basic communication. No one would want to associate with you. And the gossip would run amok, your named and family honour tarnished for life, and you'd be the butt end of every joke.
My parents and siblings would probably eventually accept. But I don't think the rest would ever, they already have a slew of other issues like racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. that they never learned to get rid of even into old age.
You could say, "why not just cut them off"? It would ruin my family's life. Call me sacrificial but I can't do that to them. Cutting off those people would mean cutting off everyone. Everyone. And my parents would just have to deal with a torrent of insults and humiliation because of me for the rest of their lives. I could never do that to my parents.
There's also the fact if I did become a guy... I don't think I would find anyone who would like me... since I would be into guys... but would guys like someone who's a trans guy (would this make me gay?). (I'm still trying to understand what all of this means to me, and have felt I've always had to figure this all out by myself, which hasn't been easy). For some reason, I feel I would be less desirable this way, a part of me gets melancholic that living my true self would cut potential partners down immensely.
So I exist in this state of limbo. Not really me. But I do dream.
I dream of getting a motorbike and riding it out late in the night. I often imagine myself with shorter hair, dyed and styled in ways I've never done so before. I want to dress like a guy. Lose weight, build lean muscle instead. Learn how to fight so no one can take advantage of my on the streets. Be my own person, free. Travelling Europe and watching sunsets with no fear of curfew. Be a guy...?
I'm now in a position where the appearance I have is something I just don't really acknowledge. I don't see it as myself. I can't see it as myself. It's caused me to be withdrawn, afraid to act openly, ended up losing the ability to socialise like I used to. Reclusive, shut in, because if I can't be who I want to be, why do anything? Social anxiety is at an all time high and I do see myself as chronically depressed.
I feel like it has genuinely affected my mental health all these years because I'm living a lie and I'm not being true to myself.
So I'm stuck. And everyday passes the more numb I get to this issue I have because if I had to feel what I feel I don't think I could mentally take it.
Be who I am and ruin my life, wear the mask in eternal misery.
Growing up, I didn't get along with other girls my age because they didn't like playing the same things I did. They found the stuff I liked weird. Only boys liked the stuff I did, but wouldn't let me play because I was a girl.
As a teenager, I went to school being referred to as an "almost tomboy". I played the part of the goody-two-shoes with perfect grades, sensible manners and simple presentation. On the inside, I yearned to destroy this picturesque thing I was and loathed myself. I still had no "girly" interests. I was resigned to my fate at this age, just deeming it as how things are, but feeling unsatisfied. However, one thing that happened in my teens was learn about LGBTQ+. As shocking as it is, I didn't know that people could be gay until the age of eleven, blame the conservative upbringing and growing up in the 2000s for that. The concept of a girl being a guy didn't even cross my mind until this time. I always had a strange gravitation to the topic I couldn't explain until I got older, but always kept the knowledge and interest toward it private, like some kind of secret that wasn't allowed. Seeing individuals "come out the closet", and live life as their true selves became something I watched in awe and what I later discovered, envy.
As an adult, I've stopped wearing dresses. My mum once took me dress shopping for a party and we had to go back even though we'd reached the area by train because I started crying at the prospect of having to wear one. I hated the idea of how it would look on me and how it would make me look. I dreamed of wearing suits instead, loving the practicality compared to the nightmare a dress is. Loving how I wouldn't need to wear torturous heels just because everyone else does. However, wearing a suit as a girl to those kinds of parties would make me look like a weirdo (the type of crowd would just not be okay with it). I decided to stop going to parties that would require me to wear this kind of stuff primarily because of all this. We were later picked up by my dad at the station back home. I told my parents I didn't want to go to the party, they were fine with it. After a while, they parked the car and left to get something. I sat there for a solid 30 minutes, mind reeling over what happened. This was the first time this issue had actually done something that affected life in the real world. This moment was what made me really consider that maybe I really, genuinely, am not okay with being a girl. In the car, I audibly whispered the question to myself, "am I trans?", for the first time. Something that had only occasionally popped into my head, said out loud to myself for the first time.
I stick to wearing clothes that are pretty unisex, androgynous, and baggy, because I don't want to accentuate stuff I don't like. I never wear anything tight. I wear silver jewellery that's from the men's section, things like snakes and skulls, aliens and outer-space (idk man this stuff is just what I like better).
I am also often frustrated by the restrictions that come with my gender. Having an asian background, there are certain things that are just not plausible for me to do just because I'm a girl, like go out late by myself, having a relationship before marriage (yet it's excused for boys...), travelling to another country or city on my own, etc. How in the society I grew up with, it's expected to get married by a certain age and have kids, and if you don't, you're a weirdo and there's something wrong with you.
I feel like none of these issues would exist if I were a guy.
However, in the culture I've grown up in, being trans is one of the biggest taboos. It would basically blacklist you from everything, family, social gatherings, marriage proposals, just basic communication. No one would want to associate with you. And the gossip would run amok, your named and family honour tarnished for life, and you'd be the butt end of every joke.
My parents and siblings would probably eventually accept. But I don't think the rest would ever, they already have a slew of other issues like racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. that they never learned to get rid of even into old age.
You could say, "why not just cut them off"? It would ruin my family's life. Call me sacrificial but I can't do that to them. Cutting off those people would mean cutting off everyone. Everyone. And my parents would just have to deal with a torrent of insults and humiliation because of me for the rest of their lives. I could never do that to my parents.
There's also the fact if I did become a guy... I don't think I would find anyone who would like me... since I would be into guys... but would guys like someone who's a trans guy (would this make me gay?). (I'm still trying to understand what all of this means to me, and have felt I've always had to figure this all out by myself, which hasn't been easy). For some reason, I feel I would be less desirable this way, a part of me gets melancholic that living my true self would cut potential partners down immensely.
So I exist in this state of limbo. Not really me. But I do dream.
I dream of getting a motorbike and riding it out late in the night. I often imagine myself with shorter hair, dyed and styled in ways I've never done so before. I want to dress like a guy. Lose weight, build lean muscle instead. Learn how to fight so no one can take advantage of my on the streets. Be my own person, free. Travelling Europe and watching sunsets with no fear of curfew. Be a guy...?
I'm now in a position where the appearance I have is something I just don't really acknowledge. I don't see it as myself. I can't see it as myself. It's caused me to be withdrawn, afraid to act openly, ended up losing the ability to socialise like I used to. Reclusive, shut in, because if I can't be who I want to be, why do anything? Social anxiety is at an all time high and I do see myself as chronically depressed.
I feel like it has genuinely affected my mental health all these years because I'm living a lie and I'm not being true to myself.
So I'm stuck. And everyday passes the more numb I get to this issue I have because if I had to feel what I feel I don't think I could mentally take it.
Be who I am and ruin my life, wear the mask in eternal misery.
In many ways you sound how my wife felt when she was growing up. She never wanted to transition or have relationships with girls, but wanted to live how she wanted. She's always been able to do this, having few social restrictions.
Heya I just wanted to chip in and mention, it’s completely normal to feel like you don’t want to do girly stuff and are content with being “tomboyish” as you said and riding bikes etc., It doesn’t mean that you are a guy, it just means that you are interested in different things than what is stereotypically a “girl”. And that is completely normal! I am also planning to ride bikes and although I don’t relate as much in not wanting to wear dresses etc., riding bikes is something that is completely natural to do and want to do, and doesn’t indicate whatsoever that you are a girl or boy.
It’s important to understand that these stereotypes that come with being a girl or a boy do not define the gender, and there are a lot of tomboyish girls or less masculine men, and that is completely normal! Each person has there own interests and styles so I would suggest exploring your hobbies and interests and thinking less about “am I a girl?” And instead thinking more like “this is something that interests me and I am going to do it because I like it!”.
It’s also crazy important to learn how to fight and protect yourself, I am quite interest in muay thai and tae kwong do, I also really enjoy travelling and just like you I would like to travel the world and watch sunsets, and experience travelling alone and with friends both. These are not things that “guys” do and “girls” don’t at all! There are so many girls around me who enjoy doing these activities and when I attend lessons I see a lot of girls as well!
Final message: just because you don’t like things that “other” girls around you like, doesn’t mean that you are not a girl. (Key word being: around you)
It’s important to understand that these stereotypes that come with being a girl or a boy do not define the gender, and there are a lot of tomboyish girls or less masculine men, and that is completely normal! Each person has there own interests and styles so I would suggest exploring your hobbies and interests and thinking less about “am I a girl?” And instead thinking more like “this is something that interests me and I am going to do it because I like it!”.
It’s also crazy important to learn how to fight and protect yourself, I am quite interest in muay thai and tae kwong do, I also really enjoy travelling and just like you I would like to travel the world and watch sunsets, and experience travelling alone and with friends both. These are not things that “guys” do and “girls” don’t at all! There are so many girls around me who enjoy doing these activities and when I attend lessons I see a lot of girls as well!
Final message: just because you don’t like things that “other” girls around you like, doesn’t mean that you are not a girl. (Key word being: around you)
Update:
Thanks for the replies. Some of them really made me feel heard, and a part of my soul cried because, there are people who understand what this is, what I'm going through? I couldn't believe it.
My gender identity is still so confusing to me, partly because of fear, guilt and simply not understanding myself. I've always been told what I'm not allowed to do, and my limitations. I've always been told how freakish it is to be gay or to "become the other gender". I've been told how abnormal it is to not marry.
The kind of society I've lived in has made me feel so suffocated, even in my own skin.
I think the things that have been going through could've been passed as tomboyish in my teen years, but as an adult, I don't know anymore.
I feel like not being a girl would be a way of releasing myself from the shackles of expectations, an act of defiance, a way of shouting out against what I should be. It would be being closer to what I feel is my true self.
I don't know if there's some kind of internalised misogyny because of all the limitations on my life, or if I genuinely want to be trans. I feel so unsure about these things. I sometimes wish there was someone in my real life that I could talk to about these sorts of things, but alas, they don't exist.
I was thinking if I wanted to be what is closer to my "true self", it could be achieved with subtlety. Shorter hair is kinda on trend right now, with layered messy cuts- that could pass. I've always dressed pretty unisex, so that wouldn't be too different, but maybe I could wear things that feel more me whilst keeping it lowkey? We're lucky will live in a time when there's so many ways of dressing as a "girl", with some styles leaning more into androgyny.
The only instances I feel I would be going against myself is parties. A close... let's call them family friend, is getting married in the next year or so, and I may be asked to have a bit of a "presence", in terms of main people being on show. It's really set my anxiety in a spiral- I dread the thought of wearing a dress. It makes me feel physically sick.
I don't feel like it's just being tomboyish and not fitting into stereotypes. It wouldn't explain the harsh sighs that escape my lips every time I wear a shirt and it's not flat on my body. Strangely, I'm okay with the down low staying the same but the top is what aggravates me the most. I've thought of binders... but I've heard some aren't safe and I don't even know where to look into it. I'm scared of even searching it out of fear it will be on my internet providers history and my parents will see it. I don't have VPN, and don't really get how it works to work around this. Even this post, I type in fear of it showing up in the history somehow even though I'm on incognito.
I said before my parents would eventually maybe accept, but it would be outrage for a good long while. I imagine my dad would stop talking to me. My mum would probably tell my siblings to not learn from my example or some kind of stuff like that. It will be rough getting them to accept, but it would begrudgingly become accepted, though never normal. I think it would be hard for them to delete me from their life completely, at least I hope so.
I want to start hitting the gym but embarrassingly I don't really know how to start. All I know is I want to be lean and kinda fit and be able to run super fast and be able to protect myself if someone tries to jump me. I live in a very bad crime-ridden neighbourhood with stabbings that happen all the time. It makes the sky being dark a time to not be outside. Weirdly, the times I have been out at night are so magical to me. Seeing the stars, the cold breeze. The city lights at contrasting against the night. The quiet calm. It's so beautiful, I wish I could experience it some more without being scared. I mean, knowing how to defend myself isn't going to make me stab-proof but I would want to at least be able to go out with less anxiety. During winter, 4pm is literally heart-attack worthy for me and every person I see nearby looks like a killer.
It makes me feel better talking about my gender identity, my wishes and dreams like this. I really do still dream of riding motorbikes in the sunset. I recently had the thought go in my head that, "hey, I'm an adult. I am legally allowed to get a tattoo." I don't see myself as being addicted to getting tons or opting for something tacky or stupid, but one good, not too big and easy to cover tattoo... would be so cool. Something to think for the future.
I really want to upgrade my whole wardrobe because there's stuff in there from back when I was like thirteen. I see myself slowly feeling me.
I don't want to live a lie. Life is too short to stop yourself from being happy. We don't have enough time on this earth to waste our ephemeral existence by other peoples' standards.
I hope that this thread was able to get across my feelings, and also hope that it can be a source of comfort to anyone who's in a situation like me where they're still confused but definitely wanting a change.
Thanks for the replies. Some of them really made me feel heard, and a part of my soul cried because, there are people who understand what this is, what I'm going through? I couldn't believe it.
My gender identity is still so confusing to me, partly because of fear, guilt and simply not understanding myself. I've always been told what I'm not allowed to do, and my limitations. I've always been told how freakish it is to be gay or to "become the other gender". I've been told how abnormal it is to not marry.
The kind of society I've lived in has made me feel so suffocated, even in my own skin.
I think the things that have been going through could've been passed as tomboyish in my teen years, but as an adult, I don't know anymore.
I feel like not being a girl would be a way of releasing myself from the shackles of expectations, an act of defiance, a way of shouting out against what I should be. It would be being closer to what I feel is my true self.
I don't know if there's some kind of internalised misogyny because of all the limitations on my life, or if I genuinely want to be trans. I feel so unsure about these things. I sometimes wish there was someone in my real life that I could talk to about these sorts of things, but alas, they don't exist.
I was thinking if I wanted to be what is closer to my "true self", it could be achieved with subtlety. Shorter hair is kinda on trend right now, with layered messy cuts- that could pass. I've always dressed pretty unisex, so that wouldn't be too different, but maybe I could wear things that feel more me whilst keeping it lowkey? We're lucky will live in a time when there's so many ways of dressing as a "girl", with some styles leaning more into androgyny.
The only instances I feel I would be going against myself is parties. A close... let's call them family friend, is getting married in the next year or so, and I may be asked to have a bit of a "presence", in terms of main people being on show. It's really set my anxiety in a spiral- I dread the thought of wearing a dress. It makes me feel physically sick.
I don't feel like it's just being tomboyish and not fitting into stereotypes. It wouldn't explain the harsh sighs that escape my lips every time I wear a shirt and it's not flat on my body. Strangely, I'm okay with the down low staying the same but the top is what aggravates me the most. I've thought of binders... but I've heard some aren't safe and I don't even know where to look into it. I'm scared of even searching it out of fear it will be on my internet providers history and my parents will see it. I don't have VPN, and don't really get how it works to work around this. Even this post, I type in fear of it showing up in the history somehow even though I'm on incognito.
I said before my parents would eventually maybe accept, but it would be outrage for a good long while. I imagine my dad would stop talking to me. My mum would probably tell my siblings to not learn from my example or some kind of stuff like that. It will be rough getting them to accept, but it would begrudgingly become accepted, though never normal. I think it would be hard for them to delete me from their life completely, at least I hope so.
I want to start hitting the gym but embarrassingly I don't really know how to start. All I know is I want to be lean and kinda fit and be able to run super fast and be able to protect myself if someone tries to jump me. I live in a very bad crime-ridden neighbourhood with stabbings that happen all the time. It makes the sky being dark a time to not be outside. Weirdly, the times I have been out at night are so magical to me. Seeing the stars, the cold breeze. The city lights at contrasting against the night. The quiet calm. It's so beautiful, I wish I could experience it some more without being scared. I mean, knowing how to defend myself isn't going to make me stab-proof but I would want to at least be able to go out with less anxiety. During winter, 4pm is literally heart-attack worthy for me and every person I see nearby looks like a killer.
It makes me feel better talking about my gender identity, my wishes and dreams like this. I really do still dream of riding motorbikes in the sunset. I recently had the thought go in my head that, "hey, I'm an adult. I am legally allowed to get a tattoo." I don't see myself as being addicted to getting tons or opting for something tacky or stupid, but one good, not too big and easy to cover tattoo... would be so cool. Something to think for the future.
I really want to upgrade my whole wardrobe because there's stuff in there from back when I was like thirteen. I see myself slowly feeling me.
I don't want to live a lie. Life is too short to stop yourself from being happy. We don't have enough time on this earth to waste our ephemeral existence by other peoples' standards.
I hope that this thread was able to get across my feelings, and also hope that it can be a source of comfort to anyone who's in a situation like me where they're still confused but definitely wanting a change.
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