Should I tell him?
So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months now. Everything is going good and we love and care for each other. However we have not had sex yet. I've been putting it off because I'm afraid of having sex. I was sexually abused as a child (he doesn't know this) and even though I've been seeing a therapist for a year or so I still don't feel very comfortable with having actual sex. I don't mind doing stuff to him but I'm scared of him doing stuff to me and of having sex. My boyfriend has been really lovely all this time and even though he does get frustrated he has respected my wishes and has not pursued anything that I am not comfortable doing. I do know this is all very unfair on him but I just feel like I can overcome my fears.
Getting to the point of this post; yesterday we had a fight about the no sex thing. I'm afraid that if this continues he may start to resent me and hate me. I want to tell him why I'm afraid of having sex but I'm afraid that he may think I'm just making up excuses. I'm also afraid that by telling him I might put him in an awkward and unfair situation. Would it be selfish of me to tell him about this? I want to tell him because I don't want to lose him and also because maybe we can then work on this together. I don't know what I should do? Should I tell him or not?
Getting to the point of this post; yesterday we had a fight about the no sex thing. I'm afraid that if this continues he may start to resent me and hate me. I want to tell him why I'm afraid of having sex but I'm afraid that he may think I'm just making up excuses. I'm also afraid that by telling him I might put him in an awkward and unfair situation. Would it be selfish of me to tell him about this? I want to tell him because I don't want to lose him and also because maybe we can then work on this together. I don't know what I should do? Should I tell him or not?
Original post by Anonymous
So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months now. Everything is going good and we love and care for each other. However we have not had sex yet. I've been putting it off because I'm afraid of having sex. I was sexually abused as a child (he doesn't know this) and even though I've been seeing a therapist for a year or so I still don't feel very comfortable with having actual sex. I don't mind doing stuff to him but I'm scared of him doing stuff to me and of having sex. My boyfriend has been really lovely all this time and even though he does get frustrated he has respected my wishes and has not pursued anything that I am not comfortable doing. I do know this is all very unfair on him but I just feel like I can overcome my fears.
Getting to the point of this post; yesterday we had a fight about the no sex thing. I'm afraid that if this continues he may start to resent me and hate me. I want to tell him why I'm afraid of having sex but I'm afraid that he may think I'm just making up excuses. I'm also afraid that by telling him I might put him in an awkward and unfair situation. Would it be selfish of me to tell him about this? I want to tell him because I don't want to lose him and also because maybe we can then work on this together. I don't know what I should do? Should I tell him or not?
Getting to the point of this post; yesterday we had a fight about the no sex thing. I'm afraid that if this continues he may start to resent me and hate me. I want to tell him why I'm afraid of having sex but I'm afraid that he may think I'm just making up excuses. I'm also afraid that by telling him I might put him in an awkward and unfair situation. Would it be selfish of me to tell him about this? I want to tell him because I don't want to lose him and also because maybe we can then work on this together. I don't know what I should do? Should I tell him or not?
It is your decision alone. Personally, I am more respectful of a girl who holds back from sex. Sex shouldn't be done simpyl because you think it should be a parcel of relationship. Take your own time and only commit if you want to not because you feel he won't like you otherwise.
Tell him.
There's no doubt that it'll be a difficult conversation to have, but if he's as lovely as you say he is, he'll understand. There's nothing more frustrating in a relationship than knowing that something is being hidden from you, and I'd hope that he'd been willing to help you work through your fears.
Lying about sexual abuse isn't something people tend to do after all! If he doesn't take you seriously... well - he probably isn't worth your time or effort anyway.
Above all, don't let him push you into doing anything you don't want to do.
Best of luck
There's no doubt that it'll be a difficult conversation to have, but if he's as lovely as you say he is, he'll understand. There's nothing more frustrating in a relationship than knowing that something is being hidden from you, and I'd hope that he'd been willing to help you work through your fears.
Lying about sexual abuse isn't something people tend to do after all! If he doesn't take you seriously... well - he probably isn't worth your time or effort anyway.
Above all, don't let him push you into doing anything you don't want to do.
Best of luck
I think it's easy to think of men as being obsessed with sex rather than neurotic in our own right - I suspect a lot of his anger is really a kind of confusion as to whether you truly find him sexually attractive.
Generally speaking honesty is the right way to go in most situations, especially ones where sensitivity and understanding are required. His reactions will tell you a lot: if he freaks out and completely disengages, then he wasn't worth being with anyway. Hopefully a caring and considerate response from him will strengthen the bond you have with him and give you more confidence when you decide you're ready to explore a physical relationship.
Generally speaking honesty is the right way to go in most situations, especially ones where sensitivity and understanding are required. His reactions will tell you a lot: if he freaks out and completely disengages, then he wasn't worth being with anyway. Hopefully a caring and considerate response from him will strengthen the bond you have with him and give you more confidence when you decide you're ready to explore a physical relationship.
I'd tell him about your past of abuse, he'll understand why you're so resentful of having sex.
If you two are serious and really care about each other then you should tell him about this, not because you feel you have to but because you trust him enough to have him know that. It won't be an easy conversation but I'm sure you'll work it out.
I do think that telling him is the best option but the many what ifs that pop into my head are keeping me from confiding in him. Funny thing is I am confident that he, being a lovely guy, would believe me but there are nigling doubts. Even though I trust him I can't quite trust him as much as I'd like. Would it be better to break up with him and sort myself out. I don't want to break up with him though. Would it be selfish of me to continue with the relationship if I can't be honest...
Original post by Anonymous
I do think that telling him is the best option but the many what ifs that pop into my head are keeping me from confiding in him. Funny thing is I am confident that he, being a lovely guy, would believe me but there are nigling doubts. Even though I trust him I can't quite trust him as much as I'd like. Would it be better to break up with him and sort myself out. I don't want to break up with him though. Would it be selfish of me to continue with the relationship if I can't be honest...
Breaking up rather than just telling him would be a horrendous mistake. The sooner you have this conversation the sooner you can work out as a couple what the best way to address it is. Nobody in their right mind fabricates a sexual abuse story-he will understand.
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Definitely tell him. I too had trouble being pysically intimate with my bf early in our relationship, not because of sexual abuse but for different reasons, but telling him was a good decision. We were able to work t8gether and I've overcome my fears since then. He told me that the thing that frustrated him the most was the lack of sex but the fact that he knew I wasn't being honest aand he wasn't even sure that I found him attractive...
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