Being apparently "ugly" is damaging my relationship

Thank you for this. <3 I'm sorry that you had to experience bullying for so long too -- schools need to do more to prevent bullying, I'm 21 now and certain experiences I had with bullies haunt me to this day. There are days when I have great self-esteem and then days when I have absolutely none, and I put that down to having become insecure about myself after having been subjected to the taunts of immature high school children -- just because I didn't perhaps conform to a certain standard of beauty. Because my school was 99.9999% white, that may also have contributed because to be beautiful, you first and foremost had to be white. My olive complexion and tan, while appreciated by certain segments of society and admired at uni, were a big problem at high school at least.

You are completely right -- I absolutely do upset my boyfriend by being so childish. He has said to me in the past that I upset him by being so critical of my appearance. On good days when I feel pretty, I'll compliment myself ("I look hot today/I love my hair today") and his face will instantly light up and then later he'll tell me that he loves a woman with confidence.

I should stop caring about what other people think of my looks and work on building my relationship with my boyfriend instead. Thank you for helping me see my situation from a whole new angle. I am very grateful. <3

Lol swear down you said you were Pakistani in your other thread.

Anyway,OP if your bf has been with you for two years then imo
its clear he loves you for who you are. Stop worrying about your looks,those bullies from school are just pathetic.

There was a really good looking girl at my high school who got picked on for being 'ugly', girls would talk about her behind her back etc., I never understood it at she was really nice as well as good looking, I put it down to jealousy and insecurity of the bullies, Anyway I saw some photo's a couple of years back of some part-time modelling she's done and she is even hotter now. Point being don't pay any attention to what some dickheads said at school.

I am an ethnically Middle Eastern 21 y/o girl who's been dating a 23 y/o white guy for the past 2 years (my first ever relationship, met at uni, best 2 years of my life). I love him so much, find him gorgeous, sexy, basically everything I could ever dream of.

Here's the issue. I was bullied for 7 years at high school, where the popular girls would call me "ugly", a "tranny", a "dyke/lesbian" and once even spread rumours that I was a "shemale" and had admitted to having a "willy". I had a grand total of 0 friends, and it was simply the most traumatic experience of my life. Girls would cover their bodies from me when changing for PE at school because they thought I was perving at them. There are things I hate about myself -- crowded teeth at the front, tiny eyes, big nose, and a 28A.

To go from that, to being asked out by a gorgeous guy at uni felt like a miracle. But now, 2 years in and a few similar "bullying" experiences later, I'm starting to have doubts that are damaging my relationship.

I no longer believe my boyfriend finds me attractive. I feel mentally ill because of my past high school experience; I don't know what game he's playing by dating me because I'm still that same girl that was considered vile at high school. He calls me "beautiful" and "hot" when I push him by persistently asking "am I pretty", and surely that must be putting him off. I remember all sorts of awful things from high school such as boys going "ewwwww" as I would walk into a school classroom. It's as if loads of horrific high school memories have started flooding back.

Please help me. What can I do to restore my self-esteem? I don't want my boyfriend to think I'm crazy by getting frustrated with him for no apparent reason, or having jealous fits of rage when girls stare at him on the streets. And secondly, am I ugly? I don't want to post photos of me and my boyfriend on here, but if trustworthy-seeming people message me, I can send a few so you can judge for yourselves if he's out of my league and if I should accept that I was bullied because I'm genuinely disgusting.

But more than anything -- I need to find a way to be confident in who I am. How can I achieve this.

A lot of people in school are quite immature, so I wouldn't pay much attention to what they said. Horrible experience to go through though.

I'm sure you are very pretty (you can send a photo if you wish, but I understand if you prefer not to). Remember, your boyfriend chose you for a reason, so he must think you are beautiful. I know it may be hard to believe it, due to what you went through, but he wouldn't be with you if he didn't think you were attractive.

As for improving your confidence... I'm not too sure what advice to give here, but I went through a phase of shyness, and being worried about what people thought of me etc. One day I just though, screw it, I don't care what people think. Not many confidence problems now.

Thank you for this. You are right -- there are lots of immature people at school. To think of it, most of these bullies minus 2 or 3 were "chavs" and didn't stay in school after 16 anyway. My last 2 years at high school improved significantly once they had left. I don't mean the school dropout thing in an arrogant way and I really hope it doesn't come off like that. There is nothing wrong with wanting to go into work at 16 and leave school -- what I mean is that, in contrast to these bullies, I was an extremely hard-working student with plans for higher education. So perhaps that was something they didn't understand -- I wasn't conforming to their world view, which may have triggered some of the hate.

You are so right. It is hard to believe that my boyfriend saw something in me because of how much emotional abuse I experienced as a growing teen. But I need to accept that he likes me and finds me attractive -- thanks to all the wonderful, supportive people here on TSR I already feel a lot more confident on this point.

So just waking up one day and being super-confident worked for you? I might just try that in October when uni opens and see how that goes.

Thank you so much for taking out the time to help a complete stranger. You and all the other incredible TSRians on this thread have made me so much happier.

High school is full of mean girls seriously if girls are spiteful in high school its because they are jealous of you!

I think it's very unlikely that your boyfriend is playing around with you, I mean it's been two years! That's a milestone in itself! He loves you for you and that's why he's still with you also people change over time, puberty does some people good and I'm sure you're one of those people I think a reassuring point is firstly you have a boyfriend! And by the looks of it he hasn't said anything to hurt your feeling ect. You should be confident in yourself. PM me if you want

I did try to PM you by the way but apparently you've reached your maximum storage quota and need to delete messages before anyone can send you more.

Oh sorry try again

It is possible that you were an "ugly duckling" and are simply stunning now. It does actually happen. :-)

It doesn't matter anyway. What is actually damaging you now is not your looks (whether pretty or ugly) ! It's your thoughts, so I suggest you let them go (think "it's just a thought" and then direct your attention to something else). Try meditation or mindfulness exercises, or mind-body-bridging. You will become much happier, I think.

You are in a loving, committed relationship (congrats about that, btw). Forget about those stupid bullies and focus on the opinion of the one that really matters. Also, a trick I have for raising my self esteem is to look in the mirror each day and think of one thing about myself I like - personality, achievement, item of clothing, a task I did well etc. - and look myself in the eye and say how wonderful that thing is. Try to find something different each day. It's a lovely boost

at the end of the day you are your own person so have confidence in yourself if your relationship is based on just looks the you have a problem