Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
x Turn on thread page Beta

friend making up crap excuses for cancelling watch

Announcements
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    suppose this is more me ranting/venting than wanting an answer. but basically i have this 'friend' who never bothers to makes plans with me, its always me who asks. i asked her to do something with me once, texted her a few days before to confirm, she didnt reply then i bumped into her in person. i asked if she got my text thinking maybe she didnt, but she said yes (so she ignored it) and that she wasnt able to come to our plans anymore. gave me an excuse, so i was like fine and left it. i was a bit confused as to why she didnt just text me saying that, was she gonna leave it til the last minute or something when shed already decided she was cancelling on me?

    then a few days before xmas i said we should organise a big night out with all our friends to see each other and catch up. she agreed. again i texted her a few days before asking if she'd asked many people and who was coming. she said she'd asked only 2 people.. i was a bit disappointed. then when it came to the actual night, she waited til 7pm to cancel (when thats usually the time you'd be going out..). i was obviously angry, not only was she leaving it so late when all along she'd seemed disinterested, she was cancelling on me yet again.

    now her reasons for cancelling are that she's "ill". however she's been tagged in photos on facebook hanging around with other people, smiling and looking fine. she even went traveling. she told me that she'd had to cancel on other people due to being ill... however this doesnt really seem to be the case from what i can see. she tried to turn herself into the victim in the situation, saying that me being mad at her for cancelling so often wasnt fair.. when i think i have every right to feel the way i do, its how i feel. i feel like she hasnt respected my time or been very polite (if i was ill id let the person know asap, not at 7pm..). she also said she didnt want to go out because she was ill, then was out the next day, and uploaded a video of herself singing (but claimed she had a sore chest..).

    i know its clear i should just forget about her and move on. but i think its annoying people agree to plans in the first place if they arent going to follow through. maybe some people cant say no, but in the end theyre only being disrespectful and wasting people's time.

    was just wondering if people had any similar experiences they wanted to share, or any advice other than to never make plans with the girl again.
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    I don't think she sees you as a friend either
    • Very Important Poster
    Offline

    22
    ReputationRep:
    Very Important Poster
    (Original post by shawn_o1)
    I don't think she sees you as a friend either
    Agreed.

    Usually, my friends know well in advance if they can't make it and they will say "sorry, I won't be there" and they do usually have good reasons.

    Personally, I would just stop making plans with her.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    I've experienced that with my friends so much times, they never invite me anyway unless I ask, and even then they make up excuses saying they working or something even though really they be hanging out with each other without me. once they said weren't going out but one of them posted on Facebook being out with them at the cinema but quickly removed it half an hour later so I know I'm not being paranoid. I just ignore them now unless they invite me out personally and actually have no feelings towards most of them anymore (took me 3 years after high school how they really where) I'm just hopeing staring university this year will be a new start and so I can make new set of friends


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • #2
    #2

    I had a 'friend' like this too. We were at university together, and were quite friendly with each other then, shared a few classes etc. However after university she just became terrible at keeping plans- she was the classic person to cancel 30 minutes before we were due to meet up; once or twice I was already on the bus to meet her when her text arrived! Or I would plan my day around seeing her (I'm a research student, so I would go work in a city centre library to make sure we could meet after work), only for her to then cancel, meaning I could have just worked from home that day and saved the travel fare. It was especially annoying as I now live abroad, so I would be trying to meet up with her on the odd occasions that I was home, when I only had a limited number of days/evenings to meet people! Eventually, after her latest cancellation ('headache'), I just wrote back saying something like 'So sorry about that; you text me when you'd like to meet up next'. Of course, I haven't heard from her since, and probably just as well really- no need for such a headwrecker in my life!
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by OU Student)
    Agreed.

    Usually, my friends know well in advance if they can't make it and they will say "sorry, I won't be there" and they do usually have good reasons.

    Personally, I would just stop making plans with her.
    yeah, she's a bit socially oblivious but thats not really a good excuse for treating people this way. she said about the failing to reply to my text to say she was cancelling was because she hadnt made her mind up about whether she'd cancel or not. yeah okay so leaving me in limbo would be even better.. why not just reply saying im not 100% sure but ill get back to you asap? cos really its obvious she didnt want to go in the first place.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Audiology-Med)
    I've experienced that with my friends so much times, they never invite me anyway unless I ask, and even then they make up excuses saying they working or something even though really they be hanging out with each other without me. once they said weren't going out but one of them posted on Facebook being out with them at the cinema but quickly removed it half an hour later so I know I'm not being paranoid. I just ignore them now unless they invite me out personally and actually have no feelings towards most of them anymore (took me 3 years after high school how they really where) I'm just hopeing staring university this year will be a new start and so I can make new set of friends


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    im sorry to hear that youve experienced that. but i think it is something you learn from, because the people arent being direct with you and saying 'we dont wanna hang out with you', instead they think dropping hints or being dicks to you will somehow make you stop asking to spend time with them. i hope you meet new people who treat you better
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I had a 'friend' like this too. We were at university together, and were quite friendly with each other then, shared a few classes etc. However after university she just became terrible at keeping plans- she was the classic person to cancel 30 minutes before we were due to meet up; once or twice I was already on the bus to meet her when her text arrived! Or I would plan my day around seeing her (I'm a research student, so I would go work in a city centre library to make sure we could meet after work), only for her to then cancel, meaning I could have just worked from home that day and saved the travel fare. It was especially annoying as I now live abroad, so I would be trying to meet up with her on the odd occasions that I was home, when I only had a limited number of days/evenings to meet people! Eventually, after her latest cancellation ('headache'), I just wrote back saying something like 'So sorry about that; you text me when you'd like to meet up next'. Of course, I haven't heard from her since, and probably just as well really- no need for such a headwrecker in my life!
    that sounds very inconvenient, did you ever think to bring it up with her or did you think it wasnt worth the hassle? i did what you did too, i told her its up to her to make plans with me, if shes so unwell then she can decide to ask me to hang out on her terms when shes feeling better. her response to this was odd, she basically acted like i was asking her to move mountains for me... when i think i was asking something basic and easy. however the only explanation for her weird response is that now im putting the onus on her and she doesnt want to hang out, that means im no longer asking (maybe she enjoys being asked and thinking she has friends and is wanted) so the responsibility lies with her. something she seems to not be comfortable with taking.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    that sounds very inconvenient, did you ever think to bring it up with her or did you think it wasnt worth the hassle? i did what you did too, i told her its up to her to make plans with me, if shes so unwell then she can decide to ask me to hang out on her terms when shes feeling better. her response to this was odd, she basically acted like i was asking her to move mountains for me... when i think i was asking something basic and easy. however the only explanation for her weird response is that now im putting the onus on her and she doesnt want to hang out, that means im no longer asking (maybe she enjoys being asked and thinking she has friends and is wanted) so the responsibility lies with her. something she seems to not be comfortable with taking.
    Once or twice I did chide her for how late the cancellation was, such as the occasion when I was already travelling to where we were meeting, but I never outright called her on it. She's also quite a socially odd person, and I liked her enough then to not want to alienate her; she also didn't do it *all* the time, but often enough that it was annoying. She didn't have a lot of friends besides me, and while I am in no way saying I put up with her and her behaviour out of pity, I didn't want to just toss her, but eventually I just gave up.

    In your case I think you're probably right, she doesn't like the idea of having to propose meeting, and think of a place/something to do, and maybe having to fit her schedule around someone else. Basically she seems rather self-centred, combined with social oddity
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Sounds familiar. I had a friend who used to constantly blow me off. We used to arrange to meet, I'd be waiting for her and then I'd get a text to say she wasn't coming. It used to happen so often, I stopped believing a word she said. The icing on the cake was when she backed out of going on holiday with me, knowing that I'd already paid and committed to it. She fell out with me when I got upset about it. I haven't seen her for years, good riddance. You set the bar for how you want to be treated. Don't allow her to treat you like this and think its acceptable. If you can't get her to realize she's done anything wrong, walk away and don't look back. Save yourself the upset.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Veggiechic6)
    Sounds familiar. I had a friend who used to constantly blow me off. We used to arrange to meet, I'd be waiting for her and then I'd get a text to say she wasn't coming. It used to happen so often, I stopped believing a word she said. The icing on the cake was when she backed out of going on holiday with me, knowing that I'd already paid and committed to it. She fell out with me when I got upset about it. I haven't seen her for years, good riddance. You set the bar for how you want to be treated. Don't allow her to treat you like this and think its acceptable. If you can't get her to realize she's done anything wrong, walk away and don't look back. Save yourself the upset.
    yeah youre right, its kinda annoying because im the type of person who likes to openly communicate about things, whether it be problems or whatever, but i always approach it in a sensitive way as opposed to 'i hate you you *****' type anger haha. im always civil about it. she said she was 'upset' i was angry at her, well no wonder, if youve done something wrong to someone you kinda have to take responsibility for how you make others feel? you cant really turn it on them... she was insisting she was ill, despite stuff on fb showing she was out the weekend before, cancelled on our night, then went out the next day. so she was only ill for one day then better the next? hmm.. im sure. i just think its a bit insulting to my intelligence tbh... kinda like 'does she think im that stupid?'. we are in our 20s, although it probably doesnt sound like it, im a bit older than her and ive had plenty of experiences of people cancelling or lying about it, its came to that point where all you wanna do is roll your eyes.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    I get so much **** like this from my friends all the time so I know exactly where you're coming from. It can be so irritating when I make the effort to try and organise a party/cinema trip/lunch/dinner with my friends but they don't even have the courtesy to actually reply to my text messages, even if it's just an apology to say they can't make it. Part of the problem is that I don't drink, which therefore means that people would much rather prefer to ignore my text messages and make time to go out drinking for 7 hours most nights of the week, but they can't even spare 2 hours for a quick catch-up with me. I get so wound up that I've just stopped talking to some people. But what annoys me even more is that the same people who ignore my efforts to organise catch-ups are the same people who then complain that they don't see me enough outside uni or that they're so incredibly busy that they can't spare 2 seconds to write a quick text so I know they're alive and well. Even if they just wrote something like "I'm busy at the moment, call me later" so I might have an idea that they actually care. Instead people smile through their teeth and look sheepish when I catch them out - no-one (and especially not students) will be so busy that they can't even reply to a text. They're either off doing their own things with other people or they're at home being lazy and not accepting any visitors. This is exactly why it's so hard to make proper friends when you're different to everyone else but you do your best to fit in. No-one refuses to let go of the idea that you must drink alcohol to have a good time, and some of us seem to attract people who abuse our friendships with them.

    Sorry to hear about your friend's behaviour. You should mention it to her at some point, although you run the risk of her blowing up in your face like one girl did to me (because apparently it's too much to ask to see your friends outside of uni/school). I think you've given your friend enough chances - let it go and stop talking to her for as long as you can. Let her be the one to initiate it next time or, even better, find other people to go out with and don't invite this friend. That will show her.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    Darling, let me give you abit of advice; As someone who has experienced this multiple times with ex-'friends' (they're out of my life for good now), I'm just going to say that these people (or in your case,that one girl) AREN'T WORTH YOUR FRIENDSHIP OR EVEN A SECOND OF YOUR TIME! I, like yourself am always the one who used to ask them out and planned stuff and they would always make lame bull excuses about why they couldn't come. And some even had the cheek to ask 'why i don't text them anymore' when THEY dont text me themselves. Who the hell do they think they are? Am i lower then them? NO! Around towards the mid of december (last month) i decided that enough was enough. I was reading this quote about self-love and worth and I realised that i'm an amazing person (and so are you OP!) and so why the hell should i keep making plans with these friends and initiating convos (we're at different unis now) when they're not putting even a tiny bit of effort into the friendship. I deleted every single one of them from my contact list (and life) and now I only have friends from uni (i cut everyone from high school and college out because it dawned on me that they didn't give a crap about me or my life anyway) and other family-friends. I'm alot happier because now I can focus on myself and loving myself and this will hopefully attract people like myself who have alot of love to share and actually want deep friendships. I can honestly say i'm my own best friend and have and will always have me so besides family and God, i dont need anyone else stay strong OP and cut that girl from your life. She's going to lose a friend who actually cares about her and you will gain a sense of happiness for letting go of people not worthy of your time. Best of luck xxx
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    Read my above post. You honestly dont need people like that in your life
    (Original post by asif007)
    I get so much **** like this from my friends all the time so I know exactly where you're coming from. It can be so irritating when I make the effort to try and organise a party/cinema trip/lunch/dinner with my friends but they don't even have the courtesy to actually reply to my text messages, even if it's just an apology to say they can't make it. Part of the problem is that I don't drink, which therefore means that people would much rather prefer to ignore my text messages and make time to go out drinking for 7 hours most nights of the week, but they can't even spare 2 hours for a quick catch-up with me. I get so wound up that I've just stopped talking to some people. But what annoys me even more is that the same people who ignore my efforts to organise catch-ups are the same people who then complain that they don't see me enough outside uni or that they're so incredibly busy that they can't spare 2 seconds to write a quick text so I know they're alive and well. Even if they just wrote something like "I'm busy at the moment, call me later" so I might have an idea that they actually care. Instead people smile through their teeth and look sheepish when I catch them out - no-one (and especially not students) will be so busy that they can't even reply to a text. They're either off doing their own things with other people or they're at home being lazy and not accepting any visitors. This is exactly why it's so hard to make proper friends when you're different to everyone else but you do your best to fit in. No-one refuses to let go of the idea that you must drink alcohol to have a good time, and some of us seem to attract people who abuse our friendships with them.

    Sorry to hear about your friend's behaviour. You should mention it to her at some point, although you run the risk of her blowing up in your face like one girl did to me (because apparently it's too much to ask to see your friends outside of uni/school). I think you've given your friend enough chances - let it go and stop talking to her for as long as you can. Let her be the one to initiate it next time or, even better, find other people to go out with and don't invite this friend. That will show her.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: January 14, 2015
Poll
Do you like carrot cake?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.