FwB &amp; the worry

If the sex was particularly vigorous or extended or started with you being dryer than usual, it's probably 'just' some friction soreness. Having said that, it's going to help your peace of mind if you have a check-up now. For most things, consistent condom use is going to be enough, but not everything.

If I were that uncomfortable about the idea of having unprotected sex with someone, I'd be tempted to tell him to drop the hints or I'd drop him.

In your position, you want honesty about his sexual past and present. Can you ask him? (And would you get it?)

Would he be willing to go to a sexual health clinic with you, so you can both have a check? If not, why not?

Reply 2

OP

Original post by unprinted

If the sex was particularly vigorous or extended or started with you being dryer than usual, it's probably 'just' some friction soreness. Having said that, it's going to help your peace of mind if you have a check-up now. For most things, consistent condom use is going to be enough, but not everything.

If I were that uncomfortable about the idea of having unprotected sex with someone, I'd be tempted to tell him to drop the hints or I'd drop him.

In your position, you want honesty about his sexual past and present. Can you ask him? (And would you get it?)

Would he be willing to go to a sexual health clinic with you, so you can both have a check? If not, why not?

I felt there was sufficient natural lubricant but perhaps there wasn't which may explain why I'm sore. 2 and a 1/2 hours plus morning sex kinda makes sense; we were at it like rabbits!

I want to get a check (he's the first person I've slept with in 3 years, yes, I went through a dry spell but that was through choice. And I know I was clean prior to because I was tested after last relationship). I'm actually petrified of the whole testing, & that drawn out 2 week wait for results, it's horrid :-(. I asked him about the whole testing thing & he told me he gets checked after every girl...but I don't believe him which is why I insist on condoms all the time, no matter how much he protests. Plus, I'm in the coil, which is 98% effective but that 2%, I'm not chancing it.

I've not been in touch with him since the 'deed'. But when I hear from him, I'll be blunt & honest and just ask if he'll come to get checked with me & see what he says.

Reply 3

Yep, that would leave lots of people with sore bits :smile:

I'm not sure why he doesn't get that protesting is not the way to get what he wants and, indeed, he's risking what he is getting.

I also wouldn't be sure he's not seeing anyone else at the moment, in which case - even if you believe it - testing after the end of any relationship isn't really helpful.

You've got a choice: test, despite the horrid aspects, or worry. The particularly difficult bit is that unless you trust him to be monogamous, having tested, or to be using condoms with other partners.

Reply 4

OP

Original post by unprinted

Yep, that would leave lots of people with sore bits :smile:

I'm not sure why he doesn't get that protesting is not the way to get what he wants and, indeed, he's risking what he is getting.

I also wouldn't be sure he's not seeing anyone else at the moment, in which case - even if you believe it - testing after the end of any relationship isn't really helpful.

You've got a choice: test, despite the horrid aspects, or worry. The particularly difficult bit is that unless you trust him to be monogamous, having tested, or to be using condoms with other partners.

I'm still sore, not sure how long this will take to subside :s-smilie:

but it's highly annoying. I've also started to itch but I think it's more paranoia than anything, as I am checking my 'bits' and there's nothing present. But I am keeping a close eye on things.

I know he's seeing other women, as we had a chat the other week; he's happy for me to be seeing other men, so long as I am safe / take precautions, which I have categorically said will not happen because I am not the type of girl to hop from man to man. So for him to say that has led me to believe that he's seeing other women. Although he said he would get jealous if I started sleeping with someone else? :confused:

He don't doubt for a minute he's not safe, because he always has condoms and I have also started bringing my own because I am not risking it. I haven't even given oral sex because I'm not comfortable with it / I don't trust him.

I was forced into sex when I was 23/24, and as a result, I caught Chlamydia! From that experience, I have always been safe, no matter how much the guy protests, I am not risking it as the emotional worry simply was too much.

I am tempted to just 'knock this on the head', because it's getting complicated, and I can't enjoy it properly because I am fearing for my sexual health. :frown:

Reply 5

With double standards like that I'd say it was his loss, but clearly you'd feel that you were losing something too.

I know what I'd do, but I am not you. Everyone has their own level on the risk vs reward scale and if this is feeling too risky for you, the rewards aren't going to be worth it.

Reply 6

OP

Original post by unprinted

. . . .

Also, when is a good time to get tested? Some say wait a few weeks, some say go straight away. :dontknow:

Reply 7

OP

Original post by unprinted

With double standards like that I'd say it was his loss, but clearly you'd feel that you were losing something too.

I know what I'd do, but I am not you. Everyone has their own level on the risk vs reward scale and if this is feeling too risky for you, the rewards aren't going to be worth it.

It's only sex! I went 3 years without a thing and it didn't bother me! So if I was to wave byebye to this, which I am very very tempted to do so at the moment because it's too convoluted and confusing, it wouldn't be a bother to me!

I've been straight, honest with him from day one . . but I don't feel like I am getting the same thing back! If he said I'm sleeping with XYZ, then I'd rather know, than constantly be lied to! I would probably ditch him as well, which I guess is why he's not telling me a thing! :colone:

And he wonders why I will not have unprotected sex with him . .I use the excuse of the coil / 2% chance I could get pregnant, but the proper reason doesn't seem to have 'clicked' with him! Shocking!

Reply 8

Original post by Anonymous

Also, when is a good time to get tested? Some say wait a few weeks, some say go straight away. :dontknow:

Depends, in part, on your attitude to testing. Doing it now will tell you whether you had HIV about a month ago or the bacterials a few days / a week or so ago etc. Waiting a month after your last sex will get you the set in one go. Some people test now and later.

Original post by Anonymous

It's only sex! I went 3 years without a thing and it didn't bother me! So if I was to wave byebye to this, which I am very very tempted to do so at the moment because it's too convoluted and confusing, it wouldn't be a bother to me!

I get that, but I suspect anyone having extended sessions like that is clearly enjoying them while they happen.

I've been straight, honest with him from day one . . but I don't feel like I am getting the same thing back! If he said I'm sleeping with XYZ, then I'd rather know, than constantly be lied to! I would probably ditch him as well, which I guess is why he's not telling me a thing! :colone:

And he wonders why I will not have unprotected sex with him . .I use the excuse of the coil / 2% chance I could get pregnant, but the proper reason doesn't seem to have 'clicked' with him! Shocking!

I'd say I was occasionally embarrassed to be male because of this sort of thing, but it's not uncommon amongst women too. The bit in bold is one reason why: if you can't be honest with someone because they'd run away, where's the incentive to be honest? If you knew he was being sexual with other people, including what sort of sex so you could judge whether you're happy with the risks, would you see him?

Everyone old enough to have sex should know that there are plenty of people who will lie - including by omission - to get the sex they want.

Reply 9

OP

Original post by unprinted

Depends, in part, on your attitude to testing. Doing it now will tell you whether you had HIV about a month ago or the bacterials a few days / a week or so ago etc. Waiting a month after your last sex will get you the set in one go. Some people test now and later.

I really do not know what to do :frown:

I'm so confused. Can I ask for your opinion, what would you do?

Original post by unprinted

I get that, but I suspect anyone having extended sessions like that is clearly enjoying them while they happen.

Honestly, I can easily do it! Last time I slept with him was October of last year, and that was through choice.

Original post by unprinted

I'd say I was occasionally embarrassed to be male because of this sort of thing, but it's not uncommon amongst women too. The bit in bold is one reason why: if you can't be honest with someone because they'd run away, where's the incentive to be honest? If you knew he was being sexual with other people, including what sort of sex so you could judge whether you're happy with the risks, would you see him?

Everyone old enough to have sex should know that there are plenty of people who will lie - including by omission - to get the sex they want.

When I met him I was blunt as blunt could be and expected the same thing back which he said to me he was being honest. But as things have gone on (a year and a 1/2 later), the lies just seem to get worse and worse. And now the pressure of having unprotected sex which I am not comfortable doing. I should add the sex hasn't been continuous; I can count on one hand the amount of times sex has happened; even down to what months it has happened! So it's not regular!

I'm just so confused right now; scared more than anything, but I realise that perhaps I have been incredibly naive and stupid.

Reply 10

Original post by Anonymous

I really do not know what to do :frown:

I'm so confused. Can I ask for your opinion, what would you do?

Again, I am not you - amongst other things, I'd be happy to go down on him, for example. (I'd accept the risk on the basis that I like doing it, and I'd rather do that than have anal intercourse with him - if vaginal intercourse was an option, I might see the risks differently.)

Having said that, I'd test now. You're worried, and this will help with that.

Whether you give him one last chance around 'stop moaning about not doing things I don't want to do' is, as with the rest of this, up to you. I'd just dump him, but then I enjoy masturbation a lot and for me partner sex is the yummy icing on that cake only when it's not accompanied by such moaning.

I realise that perhaps I have been incredibly naive and stupid.

Noooo. You've made your boundaries clear and, as far as you could, stuck to them. That's good.

Reply 11