Mentally ill flatmate

I share a flat with one other friend that I met in student halls last year (we're both in second year). She has mental health issues and got worse over summer. I have tried to be supportive and have experience with people with depression but since living with her this year she seems to be in a downward spiral; feeling very low, sleeping during the day, smoking weed everyday, leaving mess everywhere. These things are not ideal for me to live with, as I am a clean, positive person but I feel unable to talk to her as she either gets defensive and targets me or becomes even more depressed in her room. She still attends uni and seems bright but I was especially worried when I went home for a week due to illness and she said afterwards that she was very suicidal. She has been referred to a psychiatrist by her counsellor and is on medication but I don't feel safe with her in the flat and constantly worry about upsetting her or finding her dead...

Thank you for the messages, it helps getting some outside views. I have sent a message to the student advisers today. I do feel like it's hard to detach myself from her negativity and know something has to be done if she is suicidal. It's hard because I care about her as a friend, which makes me a lot more emotionally involved but I feel very out of my depth in this kind of situation.

It's too much for you to take on and you shouldn't have to anyway. You are not related to her. You need to spend your time at uni making sure YOU are well and healthy and able to focus on your education. Nothing and no-one should get in the way of that,certainly not a flat mate. I'm sure if your parents knew they would say the same.

I agree that I need to look after myself and my mum has said the same actually! I will try to take on board the advice, thank you

I just think that you [usually] only get one shot at uni. It's just three short years of your life. You have to do what's right for you. That isn't being callous or unkind to your friend in any way. You're not a Doctor, Psychiatrist, Counsellor or even a relation of hers. Just because you share accommodation with her doesn't mean you have to worry about her or stress yourself out because of her. Be kind, and by all means speak to someone at Uni [sounds to me like she shouldn't really be there, from what you have said]. But concentrate on yourself and why you wanted to go to Uni in the first place. Good luck !!

Thank you for being so helpful!!

I share a flat with one other friend that I met in student halls last year (we're both in second year). She has mental health issues and got worse over summer. I have tried to be supportive and have experience with people with depression but since living with her this year she seems to be in a downward spiral; feeling very low, sleeping during the day, smoking weed everyday, leaving mess everywhere. These things are not ideal for me to live with, as I am a clean, positive person but I feel unable to talk to her as she either gets defensive and targets me or becomes even more depressed in her room. She still attends uni and seems bright but I was especially worried when I went home for a week due to illness and she said afterwards that she was very suicidal. She has been referred to a psychiatrist by her counsellor and is on medication but I don't feel safe with her in the flat and constantly worry about upsetting her or finding her dead...

Why not try encouraging her to join some groups relating to any interests she might have?

Sophie, I talk to young adults/children with mental health problems as part of my job.

You definitely are NOT responsible for your flatemate. The burden should not be on your shoulders. You are at university yourself to study and enjoy your life. From what you have said, you have been a good friend and done everything you can for your flat mate.

Sometimes when people are that depressed or have suicidal tendencies the only thing left is to seek medical advice and mental health advice. I see you have contacted student support and that your flat mate is on a waiting list to be seen by a psychiatrist. Sadly our mental health service is now beyond crisis and waiting times are unhappily the norm..often for many months.

In the meantime, your flat mate will not recover until expert help has been given. You have done all you can at this point. If your flat mate and their mental health issues are seriously impacting your quality of life, you must leave. You can calmly sit and tell your flat mate that while you support them and will always be a friend to them, the impact of their health issue is too much for you to bear, and so you must leave. Have this conversation calmly, but stick to your guns. Your flat mate may beg you to stay, threaten sucicide (and if they do call emergency services instantly) but your life and your university years are precious to you. Do not stay in this environment if it is impacting you severely.

Your flat mate will get help, but can only start to understand and recover from mental health issues IF THEY WANT TO. If your flat mate pushes help away, they cannot use you as a crutch to always be there for them. I know this is a form of tough love, but your studies and your own health must take priority here.

I hope this is of help,to you and I wish you all the very best, and your flatmates too.

I have tried and suggested things like yoga too, also invite her if I'm going out with our friends but she always declines and says she can't be bothered and she would rather stay in and smoke on her own

I share a flat with one other friend that I met in student halls last year (we're both in second year). She has mental health issues and got worse over summer. I have tried to be supportive and have experience with people with depression but since living with her this year she seems to be in a downward spiral; feeling very low, sleeping during the day, smoking weed everyday, leaving mess everywhere. These things are not ideal for me to live with, as I am a clean, positive person but I feel unable to talk to her as she either gets defensive and targets me or becomes even more depressed in her room. She still attends uni and seems bright but I was especially worried when I went home for a week due to illness and she said afterwards that she was very suicidal. She has been referred to a psychiatrist by her counsellor and is on medication but I don't feel safe with her in the flat and constantly worry about upsetting her or finding her dead...