how do i go about remedying this?? friendships are in shambles

ill try and keep it short,

at the start of the year me and a male flatmate fell out, there was no animosity on my part however for some strange reason he started acting really nasty towards me. it started off small like snarky comments in group chats however after confiding in all my flatmates about 2 incidents of street harassment right outside the flat, i asked them if they could start locking the front door. basically i live with 4 other boys and some of them don't lock the door when they leave the house. ive woken up for shifts at 6'o clock in the morning to discover that the front door had been left unlocked for the whole night, other times ive been the only one left in the house at night and the door has been left unlocked. at first i gave them the benefit of the doubt however after the two incidents the male flatmate i fell out with continued leaving the door unlocked. other flatmates listened to me and kept it locked. i even addressed it on the house group chat and he flat out said no, hes not going to do it. no other flatmates have stuck up for me once throughout all of this. tensions got worse between us and he would start leaving it unlocked all the time on purpose, which he gladly admitted to. arguments- more like screaming matches were frequent and i felt that at the time shouting was the only way for him to listen since asking him nicely gave him the need to laugh at me and make fun of me. he never listened and i think he was doing it because he liked winding me up. i then asked my flatmates to help me and they point black said its not their problem and its something for me to sort out. honestly, i felt so angry at them because it meant that the he could continue bullying me with no resistance. this went on for two months. he also got physical with me on two occasions where i did not provoke him to do so, he shoved me hard twice. i also things i shouldn't've done like bin some of his food in retaliation. this made it worse for me.

during the height of this, other friends in the group started siding with him (me, him and all other flatmates are in the same friendship group and go out regularly) i found out that he had been making things up about me yet hardly anyone wanted to listen to my side. i think he had a very clever way of manipulating the whole situation to make himself look better. despite this i did things that made me look bad such as deleting two flatmates off of SC. this was rash and regret it but i cant take it back now. i just felt so angry that they were all being bystanders and had the audacity to complain about the conflict at the same time.

currently, im not on good terms with any of the lads in the group or some of the girls. i give those people a very wide berth but it has made things extremely awkward for me in the group since half of them dont like me. looking back i would've done things very differently and regret some of the things i did. yet on the other hand, i had to deal with this all on my own and none of my 'friends' tried to diffuse the situation. at one point i was so stressed my grades were suffering and i was crying all the time.

what do i do???

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

that sounds awful i'm so sorry you had to go through that. i mean in a way he's kinda assaulted you (not sure if ur female but if u are then this makes it 10 times worse and he's got issues if he thinks its okay to be physical with you, especially on a girl), and i can tell that everyone else in that flat is a complete scumbag and enjoy making problems out of petty things cause they most likely don't have anything else to do. saying that, the best option is to completely cut them out your life and its definitely the right decision to move out if you haven't already, for the sake of looking after yourself. personally i would feel like reporting them but at the same time if you completely want to forget about it then it's best to get a fresh start because it was definitely abusive. sending love hope you're doing better now x

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Anonymous

hiya thankyou so much, i am doing better now, I guess its difficult to cut people out of your life that you still hang out with

Reply 3

sofialouisa

OMG please tell me you have moved out. Worrying for your safety :frown:

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by sofialouisa

OMG please tell me you have moved out. Worrying for your safety :frown:

i didnt get to move out in the end because it was too late in the year to do so as there weren't many options if any available plus I would have to pay two lots of rent and the university were very unhelpful. thankfully my flatmate moved out three weeks ago now which is something I forgot to mention aha

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

anyone got any help or tips please??

Reply 6

MolecularTwerp

Original post by Anonymous

anyone got any help or tips please??

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult situation with your flatmate and your friends. It sounds like you have been feeling very hurt, angry and betrayed by their actions and words.😔

I’m not a professional counselor, but I can try to offer some suggestions that might help you cope with this conflict. Here are some possible steps you can take:

First of all, prioritize your safety and well-being. If you feel unsafe or threatened by your flatmate’s behavior, you should consider moving out or finding another place to stay temporarily. You have the right to feel secure and comfortable in your own home. You can also report any physical assault or harassment to the authorities or seek legal advice if necessary.
Second, try to communicate calmly and respectfully with your flatmate and your friends. Explain how their actions and words have affected you and why you feel hurt and angry. Use “I” statements instead of blaming or accusing them. For example, you can say “I feel scared when the door is left unlocked because I have experienced street harassment” instead of “You are so irresponsible and careless for leaving the door unlocked”. You can also express your needs and expectations clearly and ask them to do the same. For example, you can say “I need you to lock the door when you leave the house because it makes me feel safer” instead of “You have to lock the door or else”. Try to listen to their perspective as well and acknowledge their feelings and concerns. Avoid shouting, name-calling, or escalating the conflict further.
Third, seek support from other people who care about you and can help you cope with this situation. You can talk to your family, other friends, a counselor, a therapist, or a helpline. They can offer you emotional support, advice, or practical assistance. You don’t have to deal with this alone. You can also find some online resources that can help you manage stress, anger, or anxiety. For example, you can try some relaxation techniques, mindfulness exercises, or positive affirmations.
Fourth, focus on yourself and your goals. Don’t let this conflict affect your mental health, your grades, or your happiness. You can do things that make you feel good, such as hobbies, exercise, music, or reading. You can also work on your personal growth, such as learning new skills, taking up new challenges, or pursuing your passions. You can also set some boundaries with your flatmate and your friends if they are toxic or harmful to you. You can limit your contact with them, avoid engaging in arguments with them, or distance yourself from them if necessary. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
I hope these suggestions are helpful to you and that you can find a way to resolve this conflict peacefully and constructively. Remember that you are not alone and that there are people who care about you and want to help you. I wish you all the best.👍

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

just a quick question as well, do you think its reasonable to expect your flatmates to intervene with the conflict if you cant resolve it on your own? because all my flatmates agreed that its none of their business so they would never have gotten involved or helped