A small issues now becomes a rather serious one

Hi guys,

I am 21 this year. Throughout my childhood I always have a lot of male friends around and I can easily make male friends of any background, absolutely any, in most socialable places. Most of male friends found it really easy to get on with me and some see me as brothers.

The problem is with girls. I always have problems with friendships with girls since I was little. Mainly because we don't share the same interest. This rather small issue now leads to the bigger problem that I have difficulties forming a relationship as I have very few chances to meet them as you can imagine. By the way, I only had one serious relationship which had a very poor ending.

Naturally I doubt my physical attrativeness oftentimes. However friends, both male and female, comment on my look ranging from "not bad" to "very attractive". I am 6.2 ft and I am definately not someone everyone looks at on the street, but I do get looks from girls every now and then, if you know what I mean.

When I chat to girls, I don't put them off by some stupid behaviors but I think it's the way I talk to them places a distance instantly. I have a natural serious face and body language but I do smile and laugh in the right moments. While I do realise I cannot hold a very charming converation with girls like some guys, I certainly can find some topics to talk about. When I talk to someone, I look straight into their eyes and listen with a rather serious face. Many guys say that they think I am very trustworthy and brotherly friend, however, this set of behaviors diminish the charm as some of my friends say towards females.

Most of the girls around would hardly initiate a random chat with me unless it's damn important. Often when I have a guy friend with me chatting to a girl, she pays more attention to him. I am not jealous but I feel very insecure about it now. I have a successful background in many aspects and am a very confident and down to earth person.

Guys, any of you by this age have had similar issues?
Girls, do you think it's the way I talk and act makes myself distant or is it just that I am unattrative?

Reply 1

Teao the Cat

You just need to find the right type of girl-I prefer someone I can have a serious conversation with, personally!

Reply 2

Rutter knows best!

Teao the Cat

You just need to find the right type of girl-I prefer someone I can have a serious conversation with, personally!

and if you can't find a decent girls just settle for one with low self esteem and a suspect set of morals.

Reply 3

envious

Obviously I can't see you to judge whether you are attractive/unattractive but I think that from what you describe it sounds like your shyness and lack of confidence are holding you back more than anything.

Perhaps why you find it easier to bond with guys rather than girls is because you feel more natural around them and don't feel the same pressure. You describe how you think you act in front of girls but can you honestly say that you have deconstructed your behavior with other guys to such a degree? When you build things up in your mind I think it is natural to feel a little nervous when the scenario you have imagined and spent so much time thinking about actually occurs. I can kind of identify with you as when I was younger I used to feel that I couldn't quite interact with guys but after a minor revelation that the difference between the sexes isn't this massive gulf that I had imagined and actually you could just be your usual, relaxed self around the opposite gender, my insecurities and worries slowly fell away and I got on with guys LOADS better.

Reply 4

KarlZ

You say that when you talk to girls you look into their eyes, listen and display a serious face - I think that whilst you naturally have a serious ( I do as well) you should make a conscious effort to become more relaxed and less serious looking. Whilst as a female if it were a serious conversation and you were looking at me with an intent/serious expression I would be flattered by your interest however if it was a general saturday night out and you were trying to flirt/or were interested in me then I would want the conversation to be more light hearted. Whilst its hard if your are serious looking I would consciously try to look happy and smile more, I am sure you are open and friendly with your mates so try and transfer more of that to your conversations with girls. I would say that when someone chats you up your looking 4ward to enjoying their conversation, they're open, fun to talk to and they're personality attracts you as well as you first impressions based on their looks. Dont try to be too frendly as in with the boys though otherwise they will only view as just that a friend. Be yourself, relax and it'll happen.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Thanks for the reply girls.

envious - You are probably right. I cannot act as natural as I am with male friends. Having said that, I don't think I am shy in front of anyone. It gets very, very annoying when someone shows interest in me at first and after a conversation, she changes her mind. lol It happened a lot to me in the past. I seriously cannot figure out why because the topics we dicussed are just as normal as I do with guys. so it must be down to the way I act? Very many friends advised me to chill out out of blue, so I think it's really the way I talk.

Karlz - Yeah, I do smile and laugh in the right moments, but I just cannot look smiley when I don't talk..

It's probably to do with my job and studies, as I take a quite responsible and yet stressful position in a company. My uni which is a good one also requires a lot of input. In my head I always think about stressful events and try to make sure everything runs smoothly in the company under my leadership. Almost nothing can make me smile unless someone talks to me and I smile out of common courtesy.

I just don't think I can be the way I am any more otherwise I will fail in every interaction with girls.