I dont understand my life...

Sometimes insecurity can make you reject certain things, maybe people, feelings etc.
Everyone is insecure, for something or other in their own way. My boyfriend told me some time after we first got together that he used to cry when he was younger because he felt insecure and he didn't have anyone to love. But I said to him, you can't rely on someone else to take away your insecurities.
You've got to start with yourself, as hard as it sounds, but realise your worth! Yes eating nice food is amazing, but maybe if your weight is making you insecure then eat in moderation? You control what you put into your body and if you balance it maybe a little better then your weight won't get worse and make you feel worse too.
As far as the relationship side of things go, you can't rush love and feelings. They will come, if you're open to them.

Since secondary school from the age of like 12 when puberty kicked in, yes i did feel a bit like a horny child but resorted to porn and not an actual life person if you get what i mean. There would be the occasional fancy but never pursued as i saw no point in doing so until year 11. First year of college was the almost the same however at this point porn was no much of an enjoyment to me anymore and basically i didnt really have any sexual desires or fantasies with other girls as i didnt see a point in nor why people would want sex, at this point i didnt label myself as asexual.

Now im in the second year of my A-levels and i find that i am too picky, though there is a girl who after being invited to her party we have been talking a lot which at one point until late hours through text messages took my interest. Little did i know that she was 'talking' with a guy who was at her party. When i had saw with my own eyes i didnt really warn myself as she kept popping up and wanting to talk and was flirting at times i think. After giving some thought that shes got a boyfriend i decided to let go a bit and not be as talkative with her even if she pops up. According to her she thinks im handsome (telling me this despite the fact that shes got a boyfriend) im flattered honestly but i wont be making a move any time soon.

All my friends we, are or getting into a relationship and it kinda depresses me at times that i havent got a girlfriend or never have. Im insecure in the way i look, im not obese but i am overweight when referring to medical terminology. Although some girls say i am somewhat good looking i just dont see it and dont have confidence.

I am overeating which aint helping my weight and i just dont know what to do, dont want to be depressed forever. I know many would say lose weight but... i dont want to be eating salad and grilled chicken everyday i like food and nice food comes with a cost. I know there are girls who are into bigger guys because one of my friend has been in 2 relationships with good looking girls who are skinny.

i dont know what to do??