Why did he ask me for consent after sex?

You can test this by going through your usual routine for making love with him, and just as he's about to put it in, you saying subtly that actually you don't want sex now. See if he rapes you or instantly respects your wishes.

Is this really a good idea? At best it annoys him and leaves him with blue balls and at worst creates trust issues in the relationship.
That's assuming he doesn't rape her which from what she's said I don't think there's any danger of...

I started seeing a guy in July last year and we had sex for the first time a month later, in August.

On the night we first had sex, I knew I wanted to have sex with him and he made the first move so I was sure that he wanted to have sex with me.

Then 2 months after, he asked me whether I actually wanted to have sex with him that night in August. He said that he wasn't sure because I didn't give him a clear yes or no. I told him that I did want to have sex with him. I was shocked that he would wait 2 months to ask me this. If he wasn't sure whether I wanted to have sex with him, he could have asked me that night. I thought I made it clear that I wanted him, by kissing and touching him.

My issue is that as he was unsure of my consent he should have stopped in the moment to ask me instead of continuing.

What if I had said no when he had asked me 2 months after?

I feel hurt. I'm questioning whether he respects me and I keep thinking about all of this. It's preventing me from being more open and enthusiastic with him.

I would really appreciate advice on what to do in my situation. I've been thinking about it on and off ever since he asked me.

And I would appreciate seeing this from another perspective. Am I dealing with a guy who doesn't respect me or a guy with low self-esteem?


​Many thanks.

I started seeing a guy in July last year and we had sex for the first time a month later, in August.

On the night we first had sex, I knew I wanted to have sex with him and he made the first move so I was sure that he wanted to have sex with me.

Then 2 months after, he asked me whether I actually wanted to have sex with him that night in August. He said that he wasn't sure because I didn't give him a clear yes or no. I told him that I did want to have sex with him. I was shocked that he would wait 2 months to ask me this. If he wasn't sure whether I wanted to have sex with him, he could have asked me that night. I thought I made it clear that I wanted him, by kissing and touching him.

My issue is that as he was unsure of my consent he should have stopped in the moment to ask me instead of continuing.

What if I had said no when he had asked me 2 months after?

I feel hurt. I'm questioning whether he respects me and I keep thinking about all of this. It's preventing me from being more open and enthusiastic with him.

I would really appreciate advice on what to do in my situation. I've been thinking about it on and off ever since he asked me.

And I would appreciate seeing this from another perspective. Am I dealing with a guy who doesn't respect me or a guy with low self-esteem?


​Many thanks.

I started seeing a guy in July last year and we had sex for the first time a month later, in August.

On the night we first had sex, I knew I wanted to have sex with him and he made the first move so I was sure that he wanted to have sex with me.

Then 2 months after, he asked me whether I actually wanted to have sex with him that night in August. He said that he wasn't sure because I didn't give him a clear yes or no. I told him that I did want to have sex with him. I was shocked that he would wait 2 months to ask me this. If he wasn't sure whether I wanted to have sex with him, he could have asked me that night. I thought I made it clear that I wanted him, by kissing and touching him.

My issue is that as he was unsure of my consent he should have stopped in the moment to ask me instead of continuing.

What if I had said no when he had asked me 2 months after?

I feel hurt. I'm questioning whether he respects me and I keep thinking about all of this. It's preventing me from being more open and enthusiastic with him.

I would really appreciate advice on what to do in my situation. I've been thinking about it on and off ever since he asked me.

And I would appreciate seeing this from another perspective. Am I dealing with a guy who doesn't respect me or a guy with low self-esteem?


​Many thanks.

It's a one off test!

So what if he has blue balls once?

It's good to remind him that he should never start taking her for granted and that he should keep putting in the effort to keep her approval.

And she can always explain to him (the day after) how the conversation they had in October has been bothering her and how she wanted to put her mind at rest. Which, if he's the guy that he appears to be - thoughtful and caring - will make him love her even more. And it'll make him feel good about himself as he'll have passed her test.

I get the impression you feel the guy should be making all of the effort in the relationship, which would be very unhealthy.

If I was in that situation the day after I would feel more offended that she didn't trust me than feeling good about myself for passing some stupid test.

But that's just my opinion...

You've gotten the wrong impression entirely then. From me suggesting a one off test, to settle something that's been stressing her for months. Of course she needs to make the effort too.

If you would feel offended by a test like that - 8 months into a sexual relationship - then I'd see that as an indication that you weren't right for whatever woman you were with at the time.

As a general rule: you learn far more about a person when they're not getting what they want than when they are. The world is full of people that are kind and charming when they are getting what what they want. But as soon as you put them under stress / discomfort you discover a whole new side to them.

I started seeing a guy in July last year and we had sex for the first time a month later, in August.

On the night we first had sex, I knew I wanted to have sex with him and he made the first move so I was sure that he wanted to have sex with me.

Then 2 months after, he asked me whether I actually wanted to have sex with him that night in August. He said that he wasn't sure because I didn't give him a clear yes or no. I told him that I did want to have sex with him. I was shocked that he would wait 2 months to ask me this. If he wasn't sure whether I wanted to have sex with him, he could have asked me that night. I thought I made it clear that I wanted him, by kissing and touching him.

My issue is that as he was unsure of my consent he should have stopped in the moment to ask me instead of continuing.

What if I had said no when he had asked me 2 months after?

I feel hurt. I'm questioning whether he respects me and I keep thinking about all of this. It's preventing me from being more open and enthusiastic with him.

I would really appreciate advice on what to do in my situation. I've been thinking about it on and off ever since he asked me.

And I would appreciate seeing this from another perspective. Am I dealing with a guy who doesn't respect me or a guy with low self-esteem?


​Many thanks.

Mountain. Mole hill.

From what you've told us your boyfriend sounds like a great guy. Thoughtful and happy to talk about highly intimate things,
If you'd asked him to stop that first time or any time, he would have.
You can test this by going through your usual routine for making love with him, and just as he's about to put it in, you saying subtly that actually you don't want sex now. See if he rapes you or instantly respects your wishes.

My impression is that his respect for you and self esteem are OK and that he simply lacked sexual experience. Which is OK. We all have to learn some time. And he's been learning with you - which makes being young and in love so magical.

Is there anything else about him that's been bothering you? Because if that's it after 8 months, you've got a wonderful young man there.

He is overthinking as you are.

Him: You did consent and as the first poster points out he doesnt have to be specific and can be non verbal. Sounds as though it just came out wrong and was thinking abut you specifically telling him. You miss the other chance of him being very sensitive.

You. Clearly not rape, you gave him non verbal suggestions. You wanted to. If he didnt respect you then he wouldnt ask.

Have a policy of asking specific consent in future if that helps. I think the hurt is misguided because you are drawing the wrong conclusions.

Looking back on things can often change how you see them. It's quite possible that he was sure then, but that since he's seen or heard something that made him question it out just can't remember what made him sure to start with.

I really wouldn't read into it too much. It's just going to stress you out over what is more than likely nothing to be stressing about.
I would say that to be thinking about it this far in the future he does respect you. Somebody who doesn't care if you're up for it isn't going to bring it up later.

Honestly? I think you're being very dramatic like "I feel hurt".. really?? Get over it. He only asked you this because he probably just got the confidence in asking you, which makes him sound like a good guy.. ugh how old are you???

Okay no need to sound so animated. I do appreciate the bluntness though. I realise now that there is no need for me to feel hurt. I'm 22 but this is my first relationship so I don't have much experience in being with guys.