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'Girlfriend' situation making me feel really bad

Hey,

Long time since I've been on here.

Some of this is going to be quite deep, and I'm going to make large jumps in time, but bear with me.
I'm trying to give context.

When I was really young (about 9/10) there was a girl at school I REALLY liked.
I went about asking her out in a really clumsy way and was not only rejected, but fell out with her.
Important to realise that I'm giving a long story short with this.

I didn't realise at the time but as I've matured and gained an understanding of myself emotionally, I've realised that this deeply negative experience from when I was younger has really effected my ability to form romantic relationships with women, or even casual relationships.

I don't 'approach' people romantically and as such a long term relationship (actually, short term too) has never been a part of my life.

Now to today...
I go to a Church and have been attending for about a year.
Wasn't brought up in a Christian background or anything. New to it all.

There is this woman at Church who is the same age as me that I have been getting on really well with.
I have done something that is a big deal for anybody, but particularly me: I've put myself out there and asked if she wants anything more.

She's said that we should go out on a few dates to see how things go, but she's being very neutral about whether she sees things developing or not.

Am I being too demanding in that I want to put a label on it quite early?
Or, even if we're going to take things slow, is it reasonable to expect something clearer than "I don't know how I feel"?

This woman, in all fairness, has had two relationships in total that ended really badly.
She has described how her heart has been broken twice and that when it comes to relationships she doesn't trust people.

I do understand this, but just feel that because of her baggage, I'm being left hanging a bit because, even though she's ok to go on a few dates, she's not being clear with how she feels.
I understand and empathize with her previous experiences, but I feel that the resulting baggage that she has is already emotionally exhausting to me: I don't know where I'm hanging to be quite blunt.

I told her this yesterday, which made her feel really bad.
I'm pretty sure she's still annoyed with me.

I've put myself out, a big thing for me, and even though she has baggage, she can't even say how she feels. It's making me feel really rubbish and emotional tbh.
She has said she cares about me, and gives me nice hugs and holds my hand though.

I'm just so confused, and don't know if I can do this anymore.
I'm quite upset.

(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 1

mathperson

I'm going to be really honest, even though this may sound a bit sad.

I'm not especially emotionally stable anyway, but unless I'm being totally unreasonable in a way that I haven't realised yet, I'm really feeling down about this.

It's making me think I'll never meet anybody, and that I'd rather not live like that...

Bump

Damn, can somebody offer some advice?

SOMEBODY...

Reply 4

Blackcat865

Personally, I don’t think it is the best time for you to start dating due to both of you having a flawed past and clearly showing that she still struggling with it but you as well but you’re at least trying.

By being with her, it’s going to cause both of you to get heartbroken and that’s bad for both of you especially at this early stages.

I think you should still be friends with her but maybe just wait for a while until she can handle her own feelings cuz it does show signs that she may likely not be ready for another relationship since she’s already admitted about being heartbroken.

However, I don’t know either of you so I don’t know what’s really going on and so it might also be good to be talk to her directly about this if you’re not sure. That way you would know what’s actually going on and keep peace with yourself when it does or does not turn out the way you wanted it to.

Reply 5

Muttley79

Original post by mathperson

Damn, can somebody offer some advice?

SOMEBODY...

Take it slow - you met at church so you share similar beliefs and you have both been hurt. Trust takes time to build for both of you - I'd say hang in there a bit longer.

Reply 6

mathperson

Thanks for the replies so far.
Perhaps being open and talking is the best policy.

Reply 7

1582

Volunteer Team

I'm confused here. It sounds like you are trying to get her to be your girlfriend and talk about having feelings for you without actually going on dates first? Because if so that's not really how it works. People date to get to know each other and that's how stronger feelings develop between two people. If you haven't done that yet then you're asking too much of her. It's 100% normal (in fact *the* norm) to go on a few dates and see how things go before commiting to each other. It's got nothing to do with "emotional baggage" that's just how dating works.

Reply 8

mathperson

Original post by sinfonietta

Good point, thanks.
This is exactly the kind of thing I wanted to hear: to check my perspective.
Thanks a lot.

I think I just need to know where I stand because putting myself out like that is a big deal for me, but you're right, perhaps I want for it to 'formally' move on from friendship a bit quickly.

Having said that she is quite intimate; holding hands and long cuddles.
So I know it isn't all words, but how it's expressed in what she does too.

Reply 9

mathperson

Sounds like I just need to relax, and perhaps speak to her just in case it comes across as intense to her.

Reply 10

mathperson

Thanks for your replies so far.

I know I need to relax and not put a label on anything too quickly, but I think I would be able to handle not putting a label on anything if she wasn't so negative about relationships.

She'll be quite affectionate, while at the same time saying that she doesn't know how she feels and "lets see how it goes".

She's just quite negative about relationships and to be honest this negativity does trigger alarm bells in my own mind.
I think things like "is she trying to let me down gently" (which would really hurt me, I'd rather her be honest), but then again I know that logically she probably wouldn't have said she'll go out on dates if she wasn't interested.

Her negativity, which is from previous relationships she's had, is effecting me because I don't know what she's thinking.