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My girlfriend of almost 5 years cheated on me while black out drunk

My girlfriend last Saturday had the opportunity to go a concert with a friend that she RECENTLY met. This would be the first time they would have hung out together. My girlfriend had also never met the rest of the group, just the girl. The plan was for them to leave to the city after 10PM. The concert required a ticket and they only had one left. It would be my girlfriend, her friend, her friend’s boyfriend, and the boyfriend’s friend. My girlfriend called me and we spoke about it. I said I trusted her and I hope she has fun. I was nervous about the whole thing but what’s a relationship without trust?

Sadly throughout the night she decided to drink too much. So much that she blacked out. She didn’t know how and when she got home when she woke up the next day.

Long story short, when she was blacked out, she cheated on me. She went off with him to the bar, drank with him, grinded on him, let him hold her, kissed her, and she apparently said “let’s just act like we’re together tonight.” Then towards the car ride back, she made out with him before puking all over the car when they were driving back home (all in the same car together). It was evident that they sought after each other. There could have been more than happened in between but this was third party experience from the friend and friend’s boyfriend. Ever since I found this out, I’ve been numb and I just need some opinions here.

I just don’t know what to believe. She says she was blackout drunk and couldn’t remember everything that happened. Not once has she made me feel insecure in the relationship so I’m torn. How is it that you remember everything BUT cheating on me? You remember going in, being with your friend but completely blocked out everything you did to cheat on me?

She was very drunk though. I’ve seen her when she’s really drunk, and I just know she couldn’t have been able to consent either. The “friend group” needed to walk her up the stairs to her apartment. Apparently they spent more than half an hour trying to find which door was hers since she was incapable of answering. One side of me is saying that she was vulnerable and someone took advantage of the opportunity and no one was there to help her. The other side of me is saying she’s lying and knows and was aware about her cheating on me.Am I being too nice and letting the love I have for her blind my judgement?

At the same time I’m so mad that it happened. Not her, just that it happened. The fact that someone kissed her, felt her up, grinded on her, turns my stomach.
I feel mad. I feel sad. I feel confused.

Everyone has a different opinion on this. One may say she put herself in a position to be that drunk, and these are the consequences of her actions. That when you’re drunk, you act on your inhibitions and you still make those choices even when drunk. We don’t excuse the actions of a drunk driver, so why should this be any different? They’re still choices and we should be accountable for those choices.

One may also say that it’s dangerous to think like that. To say, “it’s what she wanted anyways” is indicating she was even in the right mind to consent. I’m not sure if that’s fair either. It was evident she was drunk, extremely. Blacked out and on the verge of passing out. I’ve heard stories of those who got blackout drunk and did unexplainable things, countering the idea that it was an inhibition but rather just a situation where someone was taken advantage of. Similar to those who do drink and drive. Outside of the consequences of their actions, you could also argue they’re clearly not in the right state of mind to understand that they’re unable to drive while being so drunk.

It’s a great discussion to answer whether alcohol exposes who you are is simply a sentence that is being regurgitated and really only changes WHO you are and your ability to make decisions. In this case, my girlfriend was assaulted.

I just don’t know what to do, or what to believe.

I had to see the ring camera footage towards the end of the night and she denied giving him her number. It just makes me think, did she say no because she sobered up a bit OR because even drunk, she knew a camera was there.

I don’t know why, but there has been so much good in this relationship that I’m inclined to give it another shot. Beforehand I was like you, quick to say BREAKUP, but it’s harder when you’re in this situation. It’ll take time, effort, especially on Her end. She admitted she will stop drinking, we’d go to therapy and make sure this situation will never happen again. But then, who’s to say it won’t?

I just don’t know.

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Original post by jjbarr19
My girlfriend last Saturday had the opportunity to go a concert with a friend that she RECENTLY met. This would be the first time they would have hung out together. My girlfriend had also never met the rest of the group, just the girl. The plan was for them to leave to the city after 10PM. The concert required a ticket and they only had one left. It would be my girlfriend, her friend, her friend’s boyfriend, and the boyfriend’s friend. My girlfriend called me and we spoke about it. I said I trusted her and I hope she has fun. I was nervous about the whole thing but what’s a relationship without trust?

Sadly throughout the night she decided to drink too much. So much that she blacked out. She didn’t know how and when she got home when she woke up the next day.

Long story short, when she was blacked out, she cheated on me. She went off with him to the bar, drank with him, grinded on him, let him hold her, kissed her, and she apparently said “let’s just act like we’re together tonight.” Then towards the car ride back, she made out with him before puking all over the car when they were driving back home (all in the same car together). It was evident that they sought after each other. There could have been more than happened in between but this was third party experience from the friend and friend’s boyfriend. Ever since I found this out, I’ve been numb and I just need some opinions here.

I just don’t know what to believe. She says she was blackout drunk and couldn’t remember everything that happened. Not once has she made me feel insecure in the relationship so I’m torn. How is it that you remember everything BUT cheating on me? You remember going in, being with your friend but completely blocked out everything you did to cheat on me?

She was very drunk though. I’ve seen her when she’s really drunk, and I just know she couldn’t have been able to consent either. The “friend group” needed to walk her up the stairs to her apartment. Apparently they spent more than half an hour trying to find which door was hers since she was incapable of answering. One side of me is saying that she was vulnerable and someone took advantage of the opportunity and no one was there to help her. The other side of me is saying she’s lying and knows and was aware about her cheating on me.Am I being too nice and letting the love I have for her blind my judgement?

At the same time I’m so mad that it happened. Not her, just that it happened. The fact that someone kissed her, felt her up, grinded on her, turns my stomach.
I feel mad. I feel sad. I feel confused.

Everyone has a different opinion on this. One may say she put herself in a position to be that drunk, and these are the consequences of her actions. That when you’re drunk, you act on your inhibitions and you still make those choices even when drunk. We don’t excuse the actions of a drunk driver, so why should this be any different? They’re still choices and we should be accountable for those choices.

One may also say that it’s dangerous to think like that. To say, “it’s what she wanted anyways” is indicating she was even in the right mind to consent. I’m not sure if that’s fair either. It was evident she was drunk, extremely. Blacked out and on the verge of passing out. I’ve heard stories of those who got blackout drunk and did unexplainable things, countering the idea that it was an inhibition but rather just a situation where someone was taken advantage of. Similar to those who do drink and drive. Outside of the consequences of their actions, you could also argue they’re clearly not in the right state of mind to understand that they’re unable to drive while being so drunk.

It’s a great discussion to answer whether alcohol exposes who you are is simply a sentence that is being regurgitated and really only changes WHO you are and your ability to make decisions. In this case, my girlfriend was assaulted.

I just don’t know what to do, or what to believe.

I had to see the ring camera footage towards the end of the night and she denied giving him her number. It just makes me think, did she say no because she sobered up a bit OR because even drunk, she knew a camera was there.

I don’t know why, but there has been so much good in this relationship that I’m inclined to give it another shot. Beforehand I was like you, quick to say BREAKUP, but it’s harder when you’re in this situation. It’ll take time, effort, especially on Her end. She admitted she will stop drinking, we’d go to therapy and make sure this situation will never happen again. But then, who’s to say it won’t?

I just don’t know.

wait so was she assaulted or you're assuming she was? bc if she wasnt then:
Why are you going to therapy? Is this a repetitive thing or something? I would always breakup if they cheated with me, even if they claim to not remembering it. Imagine if the third party never said anything, they didnt let you know - would she have told you in the end? Would she ever remember it or claim to have no recollection bc she doesnt want you finding out? I do think it's quite silly of her to get black out drunk like that, she clearly wasn't thinking and didn't care about the consequences. that much. Just because she didnt give her number away, doesnt mean she loves you. She could have wanted some fun and then left it like that.
But if she was assaulted, the its a diff story
Reply 2
Consider it a test of your masculinity and a blessing in disguise. Women test men naturally, most don't even know that they do it, that's part of nature and there's nothing wrong with that, you can think of women like your reverse mirror, they naturally show you your weaknesses and help you to grow. In short your girlfriend cheated on your for a reason, be it subconscious or other, which means something on your part has been lacking (that after time has been exposed), so treat this as a learning experience and an opportunity for self-reflection and growth, and yes the relationship is over, and you should look forward to a new one.
(edited 3 months ago)
Original post by JBFitzroy
Consider it a test of your masculinity and a blessing in disguise. Women test men naturally, they don't even know that they do it, that's part of nature and there's nothing wrong with that, you can think of women like your reverse mirror, they naturally show you your weaknesses and help you to grow. In short your girlfriend cheated on your for a reason, be it subconscious or other, which means something on your part has been lacking (that after time has been exposed), so treat this as a learning experience and an opportunity to grow and yes the relationship is over, and you should look forward to a new one.

Ngl, find it a bit weird that you assume people cheat because the person they cheated on is lacking something?? Or has been lacking? Sometimes people cheat just because they want to, or because they have a power trip, etc.. Sounds kind of victim blaming in a way?
If you believe that she was blackout drunk or had been drugged and could not have consented, that's an example of a very serious sexual assault being committed upon her not cheating.

Talk to her calmly without making any accusations or blaming her and try to find out what she remember.
See whether she believes that her drinks could have been spiked or used to incapacitate her.
If she believes that she was drugged, there is a possibility that some traces of the chemicals could still be in her bloodstream and may be detected with a blood test.
Original post by JBFitzroy
Consider it a test of your masculinity and a blessing in disguise. Women test men naturally, most don't even know that they do it, that's part of nature and there's nothing wrong with that, you can think of women like your reverse mirror, they naturally show you your weaknesses and help you to grow. In short your girlfriend cheated on your for a reason, be it subconscious or other, which means something on your part has been lacking (that after time has been exposed), so treat this as a learning experience and an opportunity for self-reflection and growth, and yes the relationship is over, and you should look forward to a new one.

no one listen to this advice. Dont try and paint the cheater in a glorious light, they ruined the other persons trust and your trying to paint it as if its a massive miracle that was needed.
Reply 6
Original post by TomokoRainMaker
wait so was she assaulted or you're assuming she was? bc if she wasnt then:
Why are you going to therapy? Is this a repetitive thing or something? I would always breakup if they cheated with me, even if they claim to not remembering it. Imagine if the third party never said anything, they didnt let you know - would she have told you in the end? Would she ever remember it or claim to have no recollection bc she doesnt want you finding out? I do think it's quite silly of her to get black out drunk like that, she clearly wasn't thinking and didn't care about the consequences. that much. Just because she didnt give her number away, doesnt mean she loves you. She could have wanted some fun and then left it like that.
But if she was assaulted, the its a diff story

My main point is I don’t know.

I don’t know the specifics of being blackout drunk. I’ve read that even though you don’t remember, you still keep your morals. Others say, you lose yourself completely.

And we’d both be going to therapy if I stay. Couples therapy. No decision has been made but I know in order for this to work out, she needs to change her ways drastically and I have to take steps forward to trust her once more. Some may say I don’t have to, but if I want this to work, the relationship can’t also move forward with resentment.
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous #1
Ngl, find it a bit weird that you assume people cheat because the person they cheated on is lacking something?? Or has been lacking? Sometimes people cheat just because they want to, or because they have a power trip, etc.. Sounds kind of victim blaming in a way?

Victim blaming? I considered all possibilities here in my original post
Reply 8
Original post by londonmyst
If you believe that she was blackout drunk or had been drugged and could not have consented, that's an example of a very serious sexual assault being committed upon her not cheating.

Talk to her calmly without making any accusations or blaming her and try to find out what she remember.
See whether she believes that her drinks could have been spiked or used to incapacitate her.
If she believes that she was drugged, there is a possibility that some traces of the chemicals could still be in her bloodstream and may be detected with a blood test.

I can bring this up. No doubt. What happened, happened. But I haven’t made any confirmations whether the actions were intentional.

It’s definitely out of character which is why I’m blindsided and siding towards moving forward.

My only gripe is she remembers most things about that night except the cheating. Trauma response or lying? I don’t know.
Reply 9
Original post by TomokoRainMaker
no one listen to this advice. Dont try and paint the cheater in a glorious light, they ruined the other persons trust and your trying to paint it as if its a massive miracle that was needed.

Yeah it confused me as well. My masculinity has nothing to do with any of this.
Reply 10
Original post by Anonymous #1
Ngl, find it a bit weird that you assume people cheat because the person they cheated on is lacking something?? Or has been lacking? Sometimes people cheat just because they want to, or because they have a power trip, etc.. Sounds kind of victim blaming in a way?

A masculine self-respecting man would not tolerate cheating and if it did happen he'd be moving on without question, furthermore that she did cheat suggests a deficiency on his part. In all cases it's a lesson and an opportunity for self reflection, and.women are some of the best teachers for men in life.
Original post by jjbarr19
My main point is I don’t know.

I don’t know the specifics of being blackout drunk. I’ve read that even though you don’t remember, you still keep your morals. Others say, you lose yourself completely.

And we’d both be going to therapy if I stay. Couples therapy. No decision has been made but I know in order for this to work out, she needs to change her ways drastically and I have to take steps forward to trust her once more. Some may say I don’t have to, but if I want this to work, the relationship can’t also move forward with resentment.

oh i see.
okay try and sit her down and talk it through in detail. ask her if she felt uneasy with this guy, if her drink tasted funny, if he said something she thought was strange. ask her about what she didnt like or wasnt comfortable with during the whole thing. try to paint a picture of the scene and the emotions she was dealing with.
If she doesnt bother will all of this and tells you to forget it or just doesnt think tiwas that big of a deal then i think you know your answer.
"If you are not your actions, what are you?"
Reply 12
Original post by TomokoRainMaker
no one listen to this advice. Dont try and paint the cheater in a glorious light, they ruined the other persons trust and your trying to paint it as if its a massive miracle that was needed.

How could anything I just wrote be interpreted in this light? Very stupid take and a lot of projection, re-read what I wrote.
Original post by jjbarr19
I can bring this up. No doubt. What happened, happened. But I haven’t made any confirmations whether the actions were intentional.

It’s definitely out of character which is why I’m blindsided and siding towards moving forward.

My only gripe is she remembers most things about that night except the cheating. Trauma response or lying? I don’t know.

is there any sort of chance where you can ask any of the third parties for more details?
If she says that she can't remember then trust that she cannot remember. If she got into that bad a state that she was vomiting and needed to be escorted to her door, then chances are she's telling the truth. Her memories of the night might return with time or they might be lost forever.

Alcohol makes you feel more liberated. If you drink too much it is possible you will take part in acts that you otherwise wouldn't when you're sober. If it happens often it is a sign that you (or in this case your partner) probably need help with your drinking. If this was a one-time occurrence then hopefully the lesson will be learnt from it and there won't be a repeat.

If you want to stay with her then you're a good man. Make sure that you do not excuse her actions because of the drink. She needs to acknowledge that it happened and take accountability for it. If she can do that, then your relationship has the potential to be salvaged. It is all about how you both choose to approach this. Best of luck.
Original post by JBFitzroy
How could anything I just wrote be interpreted in this light? Very stupid take and a lot of projection, re-read what I wrote.

yeah i know what you wrote. Your saying that when a woman cheats on you, it's the mans fault bc he didnt fulfill her needs or wants, that he was "lacking" in something. I get what ur saying, some people cheat with a somewhat good reason. But many cheaters simply do not care abt the consequences and are bad people
Reply 16
Original post by 1582
If she says that she can't remember then trust that she cannot remember. If she got into that bad a state that she was vomiting and needed to be escorted to her door, then chances are she's telling the truth. Her memories of the night might return with time or they might be lost forever.

Alcohol makes you feel more liberated. If you drink too much it is possible you will take part in acts that you otherwise wouldn't when you're sober. If it happens often it is a sign that you (or in this case your partner) probably need help with your drinking. If this was a one-time occurrence then hopefully the lesson will be learnt from it and there won't be a repeat.

If you want to stay with her then you're a good man. Make sure that you do not excuse her actions because of the drink. She needs to acknowledge that it happened and take accountability for it. If she can do that, then your relationship has the potential to be salvaged. It is all about how you both choose to approach this. Best of luck.

She does like to drink, and she has been blackout drunk in the past but it has gotten way better over the years.

She hasn’t gotten this state without me in years, so it’s not like she’s going out every week.

Exactly. She needs to understand the severity of what happened, and really how fragile our relationship is right now. A lot, I mean so much work has to be put in again before we can move forward. A lot of sacrifices have to be made too. It needs to be a wake up call. Lastly, she needs to understand there are no second chances to this. Doesn’t matter if we’re engaged, married, with kids, or even at our old age, I’m walking out with no hesitation because I know I gave it my all.

Sorry for the rant, I’m still confused and hurt.
Original post by jjbarr19
She does like to drink, and she has been blackout drunk in the past but it has gotten way better over the years.

She hasn’t gotten this state without me in years, so it’s not like she’s going out every week.

Exactly. She needs to understand the severity of what happened, and really how fragile our relationship is right now. A lot, I mean so much work has to be put in again before we can move forward. A lot of sacrifices have to be made too. It needs to be a wake up call. Lastly, she needs to understand there are no second chances to this. Doesn’t matter if we’re engaged, married, with kids, or even at our old age, I’m walking out with no hesitation because I know I gave it my all.

Sorry for the rant, I’m still confused and hurt.

Do not apologise for the rant. It is fully understandable mate.

I think you've the right attitude with this - especially given you've a five-year history. My girlfriend and I have gone through difficulties because of bad choices made while drunk (I was the idiot though; not her) and it is a very long journey to getting things back to where they were. But if you're both committed to making it work, and she's prepared to show that with action that supports this rather than just words (e.g. setting a drink limit on a night out and sticking to it), then it is absolutely doable. There are going to be a lot of long boring conversations about your relationship that aren't fun but as long as you are both kind to each other then you can get through it as long as you both continue to want to fix it.
(edited 3 months ago)
Reply 18
Original post by 1582
Do not apologise for the rant. It is fully understandable mate.

I think you've the right attitude with this - especially given you've a five-year history. My girlfriend and I have gone through difficulties because of bad choices made while drunk (I was the idiot though; not her) and it is a very long journey to getting things back to where they were. But if you're both committed to making it work, and she's prepared to show that with action that supports this rather than just words (e.g. setting a drink limit on a night out and sticking to it), then it is absolutely doable. There are going to be a lot of long boring conversations about your relationship that aren't fun but as long as you are both kind to each other then you can get through it as long as you both continue to want to fix it.

Could I ask a few questions,

What drove you to make those decisions? Do you believe your actions represented who you were, even if they may have been suppressed? Do you respect your partner for staying? How are you both now?

I’m sorry, I just want another perspective which may help with mine
Reply 19
Original post by TomokoRainMaker
yeah i know what you wrote. Your saying that when a woman cheats on you, it's the mans fault bc he didnt fulfill her needs or wants, that he was "lacking" in something. I get what ur saying, some people cheat with a somewhat good reason. But many cheaters simply do not care abt the consequences and are bad people

No at all and what you've written is a moronic take... unless a woman has a problem with fidelity (which she clearly doesn't because this is the first time in a 5 year relationship), then clearly she is trading up or out, consciously and/or unconsciously, this means something is not fulfilled on her side which goes back to female nature and masculinity, which goes back to the man. Would she be cheating on a young Sean Connery? I think not. So best advice is to move on and take a hard look at one's self - it is a learning experience. I'm sure you don't like hearing it but this is the best advice here.
(edited 3 months ago)

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