Blamed for my acting with my girlfriend when she is going through a hard time?

My girlfriend is going through an extremely hard time dealing with some past experiences and traumas right now. On top of that she is out of the country rn and I cant be physically close to her. I have been calling, listening, supporting, helping, reassuring her every day during this time despite having my own difficulties with other things, I’ve been fully available. One morning I was at a lecture though trying to listen to the teacher and she called me. I hung up and, to let her know and not second guess the situation, I texted her immediately exactly this: “I’m in class” “I’ll call you later”. But next she got annoyed saying that I was being dry to her. For me this is not dry and perfectly fine either way. When I called her after the lecture I anyway apologised and calmly said i’ll try to text her differently in the future but at the same time tried to tell her that for me it’s perfectly fine and understandable and that it shouldn't be something I should be forced to do. She started getting angry at me saying that i “not try to, but have to”, that i’m thinking more about myself and that she doesnt want me to understand at all bc she is the one in a really bad place. Even after explaining to her that this is my own space and her requests are too much for me to handle without feeling like a puppet, she still didnt want to have any of it and currently doesnt feel like talking to me after this.

Could i please have some second opinions on this? Both on whether this boundary of mine is good or could be better (i normally am quite lenient i would say), on whether I am doing something wrong, on my girlfriend’s demands, and how to deal with this any differently. Bc I am really starting to doubt even myself. Would really appreciate an opinion from another set of eyes thanks

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Anonymous

My girlfriend is going through an extremely hard time dealing with some past experiences and traumas right now. On top of that she is out of the country rn and I cant be physically close to her. I have been calling, listening, supporting, helping, reassuring her every day during this time despite having my own difficulties with other things, I’ve been fully available. One morning I was at a lecture though trying to listen to the teacher and she called me. I hung up and, to let her know and not second guess the situation, I texted her immediately exactly this: “I’m in class” “I’ll call you later”. But next she got annoyed saying that I was being dry to her. For me this is not dry and perfectly fine either way. When I called her after the lecture I anyway apologised and calmly said i’ll try to text her differently in the future but at the same time tried to tell her that for me it’s perfectly fine and understandable and that it shouldn't be something I should be forced to do. She started getting angry at me saying that i “not try to, but have to”, that i’m thinking more about myself and that she doesnt want me to understand at all bc she is the one in a really bad place. Even after explaining to her that this is my own space and her requests are too much for me to handle without feeling like a puppet, she still didnt want to have any of it and currently doesnt feel like talking to me after this.

Could i please have some second opinions on this? Both on whether this boundary of mine is good or could be better (i normally am quite lenient i would say), on whether I am doing something wrong, on my girlfriend’s demands, and how to deal with this any differently. Bc I am really starting to doubt even myself. Would really appreciate an opinion from another set of eyes thanks

Sorry, I meant she doesnt want to understand me at all bc she is the one in a really bad place

Reply 2

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

21

I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to be on call 24/7. You tried to explain quickly and she didn''t like your tone. I'm not sure what she expected from a text message typed under a desk.

But if she's having a tough time, and wanted something at that moment, then of course she won't be especially rational.

Give her space to calm down. In retrospect she might agree that she was being a bit much.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Admit-One

I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to be on call 24/7. You tried to explain quickly and she didn''t like your tone. I'm not sure what she expected from a text message typed under a desk.

But if she's having a tough time, and wanted something at that moment, then of course she won't be especially rational.

Give her space to calm down. In retrospect she might agree that she was being a bit much.

I’m just not sure whether this is about having something at that exact time. I think that if I had just hung up and not texted her this wouldn’t have happened. I think this is just about my tone and this is what I am really confused about. Is it really so dry? And also, I am obviously in a lecture trying hard to listen to the teacher and trying to keep phone use to an absolute minimum, should it not be understandable either way instead of expressing anger at me for it?

Original post by Admit-One

I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to be on call 24/7. You tried to explain quickly and she didn''t like your tone. I'm not sure what she expected from a text message typed under a desk.

But if she's having a tough time, and wanted something at that moment, then of course she won't be especially rational.

Give her space to calm down. In retrospect she might agree that she was being a bit much.

I agree with every word of this. The one thing I would add is that you need to be aware of your own limitations here, both in terms of your capacity to help and your own wellbeing. I entirely understand the desire to be there as much as you can for your girlfriend, but you are not a therapist, and there is therefore an inherent limitation as to how much you can actually help her. You being constantly available will then not only give her unrealistic expectations as to how much you can support her, but it will also put more pressure on you. I was in a very similar situation when I was around your age, and with hindsight it was absolutely a mistake to be as involved as I was, because I wasn't equipped for it at all. You are a source of support here, but you're not the solution. You may both need to more realistic as to the extent to which you can help, because you being overly involved isn't going to benefit anyone, as this situation has shown.

Original post by Anonymous

I’m just not sure whether this is about having something at that exact time. I think that if I had just hung up and not texted her this wouldn’t have happened. I think this is just about my tone and this is what I am really confused about. Is it really so dry? And also, I am obviously in a lecture trying hard to listen to the teacher and trying to keep phone use to an absolute minimum, should it not be understandable either way instead of expressing anger at me for it?

No, your tone wasn't dry, and it should be understandable. But that's the point. We are analysing that as rational people without any emotional involvement or investment in this. Your girlfriend is not. She is involved, and as well as going through a tough time herself, I expect she also has a level of dependency on your support at this stage. At that means that when something like this happens, it's actually understandable that she wouldn't react rationally. Really, your route to understanding what has happened here will be found less in asking on strangers on the internet who was right and who was wrong, and more in exploring why your girlfriend would react the way she did. Not as a stick to beat her over the head with, but as a way of empathising with her in order to smooth this over and move past it.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Crazy Jamie

No, your tone wasn't dry, and it should be understandable. But that's the point. We are analysing that as rational people without any emotional involvement or investment in this. Your girlfriend is not. She is involved, and as well as going through a tough time herself, I expect she also has a level of dependency on your support at this stage. At that means that when something like this happens, it's actually understandable that she wouldn't react rationally. Really, your route to understanding what has happened here will be found less in asking on strangers on the internet who was right and who was wrong, and more in exploring why your girlfriend would react the way she did. Not as a stick to beat her over the head with, but as a way of empathising with her in order to smooth this over and move past it.

How would you suggest that I do this? Because I feel like I have tried to empathise with her but she still doesnt wanna have any of it. I want to move past it but without having to submit myself to acting in a way that limits me and that demonstrates control over me (by this I mean: of course i’ll try to text her differently next time, but still dont want to feel limited in this, not blamed/shouted at/“punished” for smth that is not wrong)

Original post by Anonymous

How would you suggest that I do this? Because I feel like I have tried to empathise with her but she still doesnt wanna have any of it. I want to move past it but without having to submit myself to acting in a way that limits me and that demonstrates control over me (by this I mean: of course i’ll try to text her differently next time, but still dont want to feel limited in this, not blamed/shouted at/“punished” for smth that is not wrong)

It's difficult to explain this simply because I'm telling you this as someone around 20 years older than you who has been through situations like this and who has only arrived at the place I am now through a lot of experience and making a lot of mistakes. I'm also by no means the finished article; it would be crushingly naive to think that I can't or won't learn more. But when you're young it's difficult to fully listen to and absorb things that you're told by people who 'know better', even with the best of intentions. I know I found that difficult when I was your age, and I can't pretend otherwise.

The first issue is that you don't understand what I mean by empathising with her. You've said that you've tried to do that but she still doesn't want to have any of it. Empathy isn't about connecting with her to win the argument. It's about understanding her perspective as a means of finding a constructive way forward. In many situations within relationships it requires you to more or less abandon that idea of who is right and who is wrong entirely in favour of understanding each other and deciding how to better deal with this situation next time. For example, if all she wants is for you to put a kiss or a heart emoji on the end of a message like that, is that something you could easily do? I expect so. Does her reaction was rational this time? No. Does it mean you've done anything wrong? No. But none of that really matters. If that helps her and you can do it for next time, that is what matters. No obviously this isn't going to be that simple, but it's about abandoning that notion of right and wrong (which so many couples get hung up on, understandably at times) and understanding the other person to find a better way forward for both of you.

The second issue is similar. It's not about control. It's about making sure the boundaries that are in place are healthy. Obviously you can't be there for her 24/7. You might not even be able to be there a lot of the time when you could physically pick up the phone. But then if she knows that it will give her a better idea of when she can rely on you for support, and will stop her from reacting negatively at times when you can't be there at that precise moment. It will actually benefit both of you. Again, what that solution looks like will depend on your specific situation. It might mean talking at a regular time, just to check in if nothing else. It might mean that she steadily gets used to you not responding immediately, or responding to let you know when you'll be able to talk. There is no right answer providing it is something that actually benefits her and doesn't harm you, because at the moment the way this is working doesn't seem to be working for either of you, because it's putting too much of a strain on you and is impacting her when you can't be there. There must be more defined boundaries and more of a balance.

I hope that makes a degree of sense. As I say, these are really difficult concepts for most couples to regularly put into practice even when they accept that as a concept. That whole idea of abandoning the idea of competition in a relationship and focusing on supporting one another takes a long time to get right, and even when you've mostly got it right you won't get it right all the time. So don't feel like you need to rush to find the one ideal solution here. It's something you need to work through, and I'm mostly just advocating for you taking the time to think outside the box a little bit in terms of what you focus on and how this works moving forwards.

Blamed for my acting with my girlfriend when she is going through a hard time?

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