Tips for dating someone in the military?

Plenty of threads on this in the Armed Forces forum on here (under 'Careers and Jobs').

Ex-military myself, so, briefly, what does the guy do, officer or not, and where is he based? Just asking as it will help shape a more detailed answer.

However, you need to ask him plenty of questions and make sure you understand what his career path is likely to be, where he could be working and how long for (as he will move around to different bases for jobs, frequency depends on his role), and the possibility of going overseas on deployments. Know that him taking some time off (called 'leave') when he wants isn't guaranteed, and shifts and additional duties can also stop him being readily available to talk in an evening or be free at weekends. I'm not saying relationships cant work with someone in the Forces, but communication is key, so find out more straight from the horse's mouth.

As you say, I am just starting out with this guy. He's in the Army, but he's not allowed his personal mobile while he's away at the moment, I also believe that it's something to do with the nature of his work. I've not been told many details around it at all, but I believe a lot of it is confidential hence why I've not been told much. A couple of weeks before he left he told me he's not able to contact me while he's away (I didn't ask, he just informed me during a discussion around him going). As I am just starting out with him, I didn't insist that he gets in contact while he is away even if there were methods to allow him to. I simply just asked that he gets in contact when he returns home. I'm quite content in not having any contact with him while he's gone, because as you say, it's almost easier to handle. I think its the fact that as it is so early at the minute that I'm just kind of questioning certain things I guess.

How did you first meet him? I was wondering whether you had any mutual friends?

No mutual friends, met online.

Oh, I see. How long have you known him?

I've been in a relationship with a submariner for over 30 years but it's undoubtedly been easier as I am also ex-RN. I may not hear from him for more than 10 weeks, or I may unexpectedly get a call ('we're just transiting through Suez so I thought I'd give you a call. Is my Dad dead yet?') at the most awkward times but you have to take what you can get. The maximum he's been away without me seeing him was a bit over 6 months.

The lack of control over a relationship can be a problem and (particularly if you don't have a similar background) it can be hard to judge if their silences are genuinely operational or they're just spinning you a line. There is a temptation for them to big up the clandestine nature of their role. That may not be because they're trying to hide stuff, it just makes them sound more exciting - in the same way that huge numbers of the RAF claim to be pilots when you first meet them despite barely ever seeing the inside of a plane. When asked, our kids always cloud what their father's doing in a cloak of exciting secrecy even when they know he's in a desk job in Bristol.

It requires quite a lot of trust and you have to accept being the passive one in making contact and agreeing to meet. That can be hard. If the relationship progresses then you may find you have to develop 2 personalities, in my case the capable single mother who copes with a job, 4 kids and mends the washing machine but a slightly less competent wife who's really pleased he's home because we've missed him and can't quite cope without him (people need to feel needed). The week after he's left and the week before he comes home from a deployment are hardest as you are busy converting yourself to your alter ego. In between you settle in and, if he's away, learn to forget about him. He'll do the same - when you're away home life doesn't seem very relevant and it's just another world - different job, different people, different rhythms. Once, before he deployed, my husband said 'Ill try to remember to miss you' and, having also been the one to deploy when he stayed at home, I knew just what he meant.

I really appreciate this post. I'm not expecting him to miss me at all, people have asked me if I am going to ask him if he missed me when he returns and I've always said no, purely for the reason that he's away with work in a very full on job and he most likely forgets about what's back home until he's actually set foot back in the country again. People think I'm crazy for even getting involved with him let alone waiting around for him to return when I don't even know if he will get in contact, given that we're not in a relationship, but I think I'd rather be in a position of being let down, than have him return, get in contact and letting him down instead.


I also really appreciate your line about 'silences being genuinely operational or if they're spinning me a line'. I think at the minute, as we are so early days, I have no reason not to trust him by his word. As you say, as someone not from that background, I have no idea what actually goes on day to day, and if things progress then I may gain more understanding into this. I agree with being the passive one, it's not something I've ever experienced before but I can't say it's something I'm majorly uncomfortable with at the minute. This may be because it's early days too.

I feel like even though I'm not in a relationship with him, I almost have developed this 'alter ego' that you speak of. When he first left, for around a week or so, I was a little unsure of what to do with myself. I kind of just plodded along, didn't know who to text/talk to because I didn't want to feel like I was stepping over a line, and kind of just thought a lot more about him. Now it's been a couple of weeks, I feel quite content, I'm busy all the time, I only really think of him when people ask me about him, but when people ask me about him that's when the whole 'will he get in contact when he comes home' thought comes in. It's the uncertainty in that sense. I don't actually know when he's going to be home, he wasn't sure himself. He kind of just said 'I'll pop up out of nowhere one day once you've forgotten about me and you'll be like who on earth is this stranger' which I found quite funny at the time. But the more I think of it, the more I think he just won't bother.

Thank you for your post, it was actually a very refreshing read.

The one thing I did want to ask was whether you have 'normal' contact with him when he's not deployed. By that I mean exchanging texts and emails and sometimes speaking to each other on your mobiles.

That would be a good sign.

The one thing I did want to ask was whether you have 'normal' contact with him when he's not deployed. By that I mean exchanging texts and emails and sometimes speaking to each other on your mobiles.

That would be a good sign.

As you say, I am just starting out with this guy. He's in the Army, but he's not allowed his personal mobile while he's away at the moment, I also believe that it's something to do with the nature of his work. I've not been told many details around it at all, but I believe a lot of it is confidential hence why I've not been told much. A couple of weeks before he left he told me he's not able to contact me while he's away (I didn't ask, he just informed me during a discussion around him going). As I am just starting out with him, I didn't insist that he gets in contact while he is away even if there were methods to allow him to. I simply just asked that he gets in contact when he returns home. I'm quite content in not having any contact with him while he's gone, because as you say, it's almost easier to handle. I think its the fact that as it is so early at the minute that I'm just kind of questioning certain things I guess.