What would happen if I match his energy ?

I really like this guy and he's recently pulled away. I asked him if he was okay, and he said he was just going through a hard time. This was a couple of months ago now, and I still feel like I'm putting more effort in than him.

Ive spoken to him for 4 months and before lockdown we were seeing eachother. I feel like I'm the only one trying to arrange to see him again, and I reply to him a lot more frequently than him.

It's become quite draining. I hate playing games, I'm straight up about what I want and how I feel. I know he's going through a hard time, which is what I keep trying to tell myself. I should mention as well that I have had a talk to him recently about where this is going, and he said he wasn't sure, he wasn't thinking about it because of what he's dealing with right now. I just want to know if I match his energy will he step up, or will he back off? Is this a good idea or completely childish?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

But I can't continue to put effort into something if it isn't reciprocated. Obviously I want him to step up, but if it ends then obviously he's not the one

Reply 2

steneth

2

Hey there,

Without knowing the finer details and making some assumptions, this is how I see your current situation:

- He has been off with you for a long period of time
- The current situation does not serve you.
- He may be going through a hard time, however if he was into you he would still put the effort in.

These two things tell me instantly that you are best served backing off from him. Once you do this then one of two things will happen:

1) He will suddenly become more interested in you.
2) You will get rid of this deadweight, focus on other things and end up meeting somebody far better suited to you.

He’s having a hard time, be supportive.

Reply 4

vapordave

Debate & Current Affairs Helper

20

Original post by CaptainDuckie

He’s having a hard time, be supportive.

That's all well and good but OP isn't obligated to remain in relationship limbo.

Original post by Vapordave

That's all well and good but OP isn't obligated to remain in relationship limbo.

Then end it or wait, it’s not rocket science imo.

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

I don't agree with comments telling you to 'be supportive'. You do not owe him anything and it is not your responsibility to put your own emotions and MH on the line. He might need professional help, and you should not be expected to provide it.

He is obviously not in a great mental state for commitment and it's not his fault. If he is already going through it then I fail to see how your disinterest would improve the situation.

I have been through the same thing and I genuinely believe the best thing is to move on. It might be difficult, but the current situation is not fair for either of you.

Original post by Anonymous

I don't agree with comments telling you to 'be supportive'. You do not owe him anything and it is not your responsibility to put your own emotions and MH on the line. He might need professional help, and you should not be expected to provide it.

He is obviously not in a great mental state for commitment and it's not his fault. If he is already going through it then I fail to see how your disinterest would improve the situation.

I have been through the same thing and I genuinely believe the best thing is to move on. It might be difficult, but the current situation is not fair for either of you.

She may not be obligated but in order to make things even work, being supportive would initially be the first line of action.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by CaptainDuckie

She may not be obligated but in order to make things even work, being supportive would initially be the first line of action.

I have been as supportive as I can, I check up on how he's doing often. But he doesn't want to talk to me about how he's feeling. He always says he's okay and he's doing okay

Reply 9

Anonymous #2

Original post by CaptainDuckie

She may not be obligated but in order to make things even work, being supportive would initially be the first line of action.

Of course having a supportive partner is important, but a line needs to be drawn.

Based on what the OP wrote, they have been supportive for months, so it is no longer a matter of the ‘first line of action’.

However, the most important thing is that OP is now feeling drained. This is crucial as it shows this situation is taking a toll on their own well-being. When this happens, they needs to take sometime to care for themself rather than putting in more energy for someone who is not reciprocating.

Telling someone to just ‘be supportive’ is dangerous and can have the effect of guilty-tripping.

Original post by Anonymous

Of course having a supportive partner is important, but a line needs to be drawn.

Based on what the OP wrote, they have been supportive for months, so it is no longer a matter of the ‘first line of action’.

However, the most important thing is that OP is now feeling drained. This is crucial as it shows this situation is taking a toll on their own well-being. When this happens, they needs to take sometime to care for themself rather than putting in more energy for someone who is not reciprocating.

Telling someone to just ‘be supportive’ is dangerous and can have the effect of guilty-tripping.

If OP feels that he wasn’t lifting up his weight, or that he was lying about his feelings, there was no need to deal with this stuff for 4 months. You normally get the gist of things after a few weeks.

Original post by Anonymous

I have been as supportive as I can, I check up on how he's doing often. But he doesn't want to talk to me about how he's feeling. He always says he's okay and he's doing okay

Some people don’t like expressing their feelings or being subject to paternalism. No body here knows context or who this guy is, knowing this is up to you to judge, not us.

Reply 12

Anonymous #2

Original post by CaptainDuckie

If OP feels that he wasn’t lifting up his weight, or that he was lying about his feelings, there was no need to deal with this stuff for 4 months. You normally get the gist of things after a few weeks.

OP does feel like he's not lifting up his weight (I don't think they wrote about lying). There might be no need, but that's what OP chose to do so we can only respect that. Just like there is no need to stay in an abusive or dead-end relationship, but people still do.

The main point I'm recommending is for OP to not stay for another 4 months. What happened stays in the past, OP shouldn't waste more time 'being supportive' at the expense of OP's own well-being.

Original post by Anonymous

OP does feel like he's not lifting up his weight (I don't think they wrote about lying). There might be no need, but that's what OP chose to do so we can only respect that. Just like there is no need to stay in an abusive or dead-end relationship, but people still do.

The main point I'm recommending is for OP to not stay for another 4 months. What happened stays in the past, OP shouldn't waste more time 'being supportive' at the expense of OP's own well-being.

Then props to her. However, we don’t know if he was actually lying about his feelings or not, so we can’t assume.

Reply 14

Anonymous #2

Original post by CaptainDuckie

Then props to her. However, we don’t know if he was actually lying about his feelings or not, so we can’t assume.

I’m not assuming. Whether he’s lying or not is irreverent tbh. He can be 100% truthful but it’s absolutely reasonable for OP to want to walk away. The importance is how OP feels, and OP does not sound too happy.

Up to them, but the whole point I’m making is that OP can (and I personally think they should) walk away instead of being ‘supportive’ at their own expense.

Original post by Anonymous

I’m not assuming. Whether he’s lying or not is irreverent tbh. He can be 100% truthful but it’s absolutely reasonable for OP to want to walk away. The importance is how OP feels, and OP does not sound too happy.

Up to them, but the whole point I’m making is that OP can (and I personally think they should) walk away instead of being ‘supportive’ at their own expense.

Then let them walk away. I initially said to be supportive because both arguments could still apply.

Reply 16

Anonymous #2

Original post by CaptainDuckie

Then let them walk away. I initially said to be supportive because both arguments could still apply.

My comment was to show that there is absolutely no pressure to continue being supportive. In fact, stop being supportive if it’s at OP’s expense.

Original post by Anonymous

My comment was to show that there is absolutely no pressure to continue being supportive. In fact, stop being supportive if it’s at OP’s expense.

I know what you meant. You could argue that he was, in fact, having a hard time therefore this duration was a reflection of OP’s love towards him. Things like this happens, it’s life. As for him not telling her about what’s going on with him, that’s for OP to decide not us.