can u mark my story
Write a short story about a time you visited somewhere new. The story could be real or imagined.?
Silence.
Then my brother, sister, mom and dad all ran around like headless chickens. Clothes on the floor, chairs and tables. Screams everywhere, ‘where are the towels?’ ‘Pack the suitcase!’. My inner guts churned with disgust at the idea of missing my friend's birthday party; the one thing that would brighten up my week.
It was another sunny day in the middle of the summer holidays, -the sun shining through the window- creating a gold patch of heat on the wooly carpet. Me and my family had been arguing over the last few days, ‘you have to go’ mom said ‘it would be better for me to stay’ i tried to argue. But, it was useless as usual.
‘Come let’s go now!’ mom shouted.
The air was full of heat, cooking all of us into stew. But worst of all was the seats; burning away the thick cotton shirt forced onto my back. The noise of the engine droning out the wolf-like howl coming from the gap in between my lips. The framework of the car was grey, the seats were a dull silver, the windows were tinted black, black with dead flies. The floor was squelched when you stepped on it, squirting up brown watery mud.
I was bored, no one was talking to me, ignoring me. My family stopped caring. It was as if I was not there, shut out from all humanity.
Slowly I started to count the trees that passed; one, two, three and on and on until I saw a flying car in the distance, fear shot through my spine all the way to my brain, frozen I screamed ‘aliens’ ‘run’. Sweating, I woke up. We had arrived.
Deserted.
Nothing within eyesight, as we walked across a hard concrete surface. Ants and spiders crawling around; millions and millions of them all swarming around. Shocked, I moved on. In the distance the silhouette of a house loomed up.
As we came closer, the house became clearer. Wooden boards made the wall, Brown, jagged and filthy. ‘Where are we?’ I asked. ‘Wales’ my parents replied. A place unknown to me.
We entered the Shed-like house. Inside, ice swelled up my body, dust flying around like a storm. A musky smell shot up the nostrils of my nose. ‘Where am I’. ‘What is this?’
Encouragingly my father beckoned me onto a slide that did not catch my eye before. I hopped on and fell into darkness.
I shot out of the slide into a bright room. Large walls, chairs and tables. A trampoline was being built. There was chaos everywhere, banners were being made saying one thing: ‘Happy Birthday’. There in the middle of the room was my friend. Looking around at my family I whispered ‘thank you’.
Silence.
Silence.
Then my brother, sister, mom and dad all ran around like headless chickens. Clothes on the floor, chairs and tables. Screams everywhere, ‘where are the towels?’ ‘Pack the suitcase!’. My inner guts churned with disgust at the idea of missing my friend's birthday party; the one thing that would brighten up my week.
It was another sunny day in the middle of the summer holidays, -the sun shining through the window- creating a gold patch of heat on the wooly carpet. Me and my family had been arguing over the last few days, ‘you have to go’ mom said ‘it would be better for me to stay’ i tried to argue. But, it was useless as usual.
‘Come let’s go now!’ mom shouted.
The air was full of heat, cooking all of us into stew. But worst of all was the seats; burning away the thick cotton shirt forced onto my back. The noise of the engine droning out the wolf-like howl coming from the gap in between my lips. The framework of the car was grey, the seats were a dull silver, the windows were tinted black, black with dead flies. The floor was squelched when you stepped on it, squirting up brown watery mud.
I was bored, no one was talking to me, ignoring me. My family stopped caring. It was as if I was not there, shut out from all humanity.
Slowly I started to count the trees that passed; one, two, three and on and on until I saw a flying car in the distance, fear shot through my spine all the way to my brain, frozen I screamed ‘aliens’ ‘run’. Sweating, I woke up. We had arrived.
Deserted.
Nothing within eyesight, as we walked across a hard concrete surface. Ants and spiders crawling around; millions and millions of them all swarming around. Shocked, I moved on. In the distance the silhouette of a house loomed up.
As we came closer, the house became clearer. Wooden boards made the wall, Brown, jagged and filthy. ‘Where are we?’ I asked. ‘Wales’ my parents replied. A place unknown to me.
We entered the Shed-like house. Inside, ice swelled up my body, dust flying around like a storm. A musky smell shot up the nostrils of my nose. ‘Where am I’. ‘What is this?’
Encouragingly my father beckoned me onto a slide that did not catch my eye before. I hopped on and fell into darkness.
I shot out of the slide into a bright room. Large walls, chairs and tables. A trampoline was being built. There was chaos everywhere, banners were being made saying one thing: ‘Happy Birthday’. There in the middle of the room was my friend. Looking around at my family I whispered ‘thank you’.
Silence.
Moved to Creative Corner
Original post by Popsdonut
Wow I must say your writing skills are so good trust me I wouldn't write anything as good as you .
I'll give it full marks I am just stunned
I'll give it full marks I am just stunned
Thanks, practice and you will become better
Silence.
Suddenly, my brother, sister, mom and dad began running around like headless chickens. Clothes on the floor, chairs and tables. Shrieks flowed from my parents' mouths like fountains, talking about suitcases and shoes amongst other things. My stomach churned with disgust at the idea of missing my friend's birthday party; the one thing that might make my week better.
It was a beautifully clear day in August and the welcoming warmth of the sun shone through the window, illuminating small patches of the grey woollen carpet. Me and my family had been arguing over the party in the last few days. Mom objected that it was time for me to leave, although I argued that it would be better for me to stay a while longer, until it had been my friend's party. Despite this, it was useless as usual. Mom yelled, ‘Come, let’s go now!’
The air was humid and the sun was scorching. The day was no longer beautifully clear and the sun was no longer warm and welcoming. If I cried, my tears would've boiled before they left my watering eyes. Our car was grey. The seats were embellished with the wear and tear of many years of use and children in the car. The floor squelched as you stepped on it, brown and sandy from days at the beach that were long gone. The leather seats; almost burning away the skin from my back and blistering my shoulders. The noise of the engine drowned out the partly paranormal howl escaping from between my lips.
I was utterly bored. Nobody talked to me, as if they saw a shadow in the passenger seat of the car, rather than a person. A walking shadow. A shadow that could talk. My family stopped caring. It was as if I was not there, a figment of their imagination. Eventually, I began to count the trees that passed; one, two, three and on and on until I saw a flying car in the distance.
Terror shot through my body, from my brain to my spine to my feet. I ran until my feet, which flowed with fear, blistered on the hot surface of the ground and bled from the thorns. I fell.
Drenched in my sweat, I woke up. We had arrived, and the event was deserted.
We walked across the hard concrete surface, the drive that lead to her house. My feet were bare, like my dream, and they felt as if they were blistering like it too. Ants and spiders scrambled around; millions upon millions of them all swarming.
In time, the silhouette of a house loomed in the distance. As we walked further across the concrete surface, the house became clearer. It was wooden boards, rather than bricks. It was brown, jagged and filthy. ‘Where are we?’ I asked.
‘Wales’, my parents replied. A place unknown to me; my friend did not live here. Hills rose beyond the house, far beyond anywhere in walking distance. You could hear the sea, miles from where we stood and the wind whistled through our ears as we made our way up the concrete slope to the house on the hill.
We entered the shed-like house. Inside, my body swelled with the same fear. Dust flew around - a musky smell burning my nostrils and throat as I hesitantly inhaled. My father beckoned me onto a slide that did not catch my eye before. I hopped on and fell into darkness.
I shot out of the slide into a bright room. Large walls, chairs and tables. A trampoline was being built. There was chaos everywhere, banners hung from corners of the ceiling to other corners, reading ‘Happy Birthday’. There, in the middle of the room, was my friend.
Silence.
(I proof read all of it and improved it because your vocabulary was bland and your sentence structure was everywhere. This short story is complete and utter nonsense and I genuinely have no idea how you read through this and believed it made any sense, seen as the objective wasn't that you should write a strange dream or something like that.)
Suddenly, my brother, sister, mom and dad began running around like headless chickens. Clothes on the floor, chairs and tables. Shrieks flowed from my parents' mouths like fountains, talking about suitcases and shoes amongst other things. My stomach churned with disgust at the idea of missing my friend's birthday party; the one thing that might make my week better.
It was a beautifully clear day in August and the welcoming warmth of the sun shone through the window, illuminating small patches of the grey woollen carpet. Me and my family had been arguing over the party in the last few days. Mom objected that it was time for me to leave, although I argued that it would be better for me to stay a while longer, until it had been my friend's party. Despite this, it was useless as usual. Mom yelled, ‘Come, let’s go now!’
The air was humid and the sun was scorching. The day was no longer beautifully clear and the sun was no longer warm and welcoming. If I cried, my tears would've boiled before they left my watering eyes. Our car was grey. The seats were embellished with the wear and tear of many years of use and children in the car. The floor squelched as you stepped on it, brown and sandy from days at the beach that were long gone. The leather seats; almost burning away the skin from my back and blistering my shoulders. The noise of the engine drowned out the partly paranormal howl escaping from between my lips.
I was utterly bored. Nobody talked to me, as if they saw a shadow in the passenger seat of the car, rather than a person. A walking shadow. A shadow that could talk. My family stopped caring. It was as if I was not there, a figment of their imagination. Eventually, I began to count the trees that passed; one, two, three and on and on until I saw a flying car in the distance.
Terror shot through my body, from my brain to my spine to my feet. I ran until my feet, which flowed with fear, blistered on the hot surface of the ground and bled from the thorns. I fell.
Drenched in my sweat, I woke up. We had arrived, and the event was deserted.
We walked across the hard concrete surface, the drive that lead to her house. My feet were bare, like my dream, and they felt as if they were blistering like it too. Ants and spiders scrambled around; millions upon millions of them all swarming.
In time, the silhouette of a house loomed in the distance. As we walked further across the concrete surface, the house became clearer. It was wooden boards, rather than bricks. It was brown, jagged and filthy. ‘Where are we?’ I asked.
‘Wales’, my parents replied. A place unknown to me; my friend did not live here. Hills rose beyond the house, far beyond anywhere in walking distance. You could hear the sea, miles from where we stood and the wind whistled through our ears as we made our way up the concrete slope to the house on the hill.
We entered the shed-like house. Inside, my body swelled with the same fear. Dust flew around - a musky smell burning my nostrils and throat as I hesitantly inhaled. My father beckoned me onto a slide that did not catch my eye before. I hopped on and fell into darkness.
I shot out of the slide into a bright room. Large walls, chairs and tables. A trampoline was being built. There was chaos everywhere, banners hung from corners of the ceiling to other corners, reading ‘Happy Birthday’. There, in the middle of the room, was my friend.
Silence.
(I proof read all of it and improved it because your vocabulary was bland and your sentence structure was everywhere. This short story is complete and utter nonsense and I genuinely have no idea how you read through this and believed it made any sense, seen as the objective wasn't that you should write a strange dream or something like that.)
Original post by Anonymous
Silence.
Suddenly, my brother, sister, mom and dad began running around like headless chickens. Clothes on the floor, chairs and tables. Shrieks flowed from my parents' mouths like fountains, talking about suitcases and shoes amongst other things. My stomach churned with disgust at the idea of missing my friend's birthday party; the one thing that might make my week better.
It was a beautifully clear day in August and the welcoming warmth of the sun shone through the window, illuminating small patches of the grey woollen carpet. Me and my family had been arguing over the party in the last few days. Mom objected that it was time for me to leave, although I argued that it would be better for me to stay a while longer, until it had been my friend's party. Despite this, it was useless as usual. Mom yelled, ‘Come, let’s go now!’
The air was humid and the sun was scorching. The day was no longer beautifully clear and the sun was no longer warm and welcoming. If I cried, my tears would've boiled before they left my watering eyes. Our car was grey. The seats were embellished with the wear and tear of many years of use and children in the car. The floor squelched as you stepped on it, brown and sandy from days at the beach that were long gone. The leather seats; almost burning away the skin from my back and blistering my shoulders. The noise of the engine drowned out the partly paranormal howl escaping from between my lips.
I was utterly bored. Nobody talked to me, as if they saw a shadow in the passenger seat of the car, rather than a person. A walking shadow. A shadow that could talk. My family stopped caring. It was as if I was not there, a figment of their imagination. Eventually, I began to count the trees that passed; one, two, three and on and on until I saw a flying car in the distance.
Terror shot through my body, from my brain to my spine to my feet. I ran until my feet, which flowed with fear, blistered on the hot surface of the ground and bled from the thorns. I fell.
Drenched in my sweat, I woke up. We had arrived, and the event was deserted.
We walked across the hard concrete surface, the drive that lead to her house. My feet were bare, like my dream, and they felt as if they were blistering like it too. Ants and spiders scrambled around; millions upon millions of them all swarming.
In time, the silhouette of a house loomed in the distance. As we walked further across the concrete surface, the house became clearer. It was wooden boards, rather than bricks. It was brown, jagged and filthy. ‘Where are we?’ I asked.
‘Wales’, my parents replied. A place unknown to me; my friend did not live here. Hills rose beyond the house, far beyond anywhere in walking distance. You could hear the sea, miles from where we stood and the wind whistled through our ears as we made our way up the concrete slope to the house on the hill.
We entered the shed-like house. Inside, my body swelled with the same fear. Dust flew around - a musky smell burning my nostrils and throat as I hesitantly inhaled. My father beckoned me onto a slide that did not catch my eye before. I hopped on and fell into darkness.
I shot out of the slide into a bright room. Large walls, chairs and tables. A trampoline was being built. There was chaos everywhere, banners hung from corners of the ceiling to other corners, reading ‘Happy Birthday’. There, in the middle of the room, was my friend.
Silence.
(I proof read all of it and improved it because your vocabulary was bland and your sentence structure was everywhere. This short story is complete and utter nonsense and I genuinely have no idea how you read through this and believed it made any sense, seen as the objective wasn't that you should write a strange dream or something like that.)
Suddenly, my brother, sister, mom and dad began running around like headless chickens. Clothes on the floor, chairs and tables. Shrieks flowed from my parents' mouths like fountains, talking about suitcases and shoes amongst other things. My stomach churned with disgust at the idea of missing my friend's birthday party; the one thing that might make my week better.
It was a beautifully clear day in August and the welcoming warmth of the sun shone through the window, illuminating small patches of the grey woollen carpet. Me and my family had been arguing over the party in the last few days. Mom objected that it was time for me to leave, although I argued that it would be better for me to stay a while longer, until it had been my friend's party. Despite this, it was useless as usual. Mom yelled, ‘Come, let’s go now!’
The air was humid and the sun was scorching. The day was no longer beautifully clear and the sun was no longer warm and welcoming. If I cried, my tears would've boiled before they left my watering eyes. Our car was grey. The seats were embellished with the wear and tear of many years of use and children in the car. The floor squelched as you stepped on it, brown and sandy from days at the beach that were long gone. The leather seats; almost burning away the skin from my back and blistering my shoulders. The noise of the engine drowned out the partly paranormal howl escaping from between my lips.
I was utterly bored. Nobody talked to me, as if they saw a shadow in the passenger seat of the car, rather than a person. A walking shadow. A shadow that could talk. My family stopped caring. It was as if I was not there, a figment of their imagination. Eventually, I began to count the trees that passed; one, two, three and on and on until I saw a flying car in the distance.
Terror shot through my body, from my brain to my spine to my feet. I ran until my feet, which flowed with fear, blistered on the hot surface of the ground and bled from the thorns. I fell.
Drenched in my sweat, I woke up. We had arrived, and the event was deserted.
We walked across the hard concrete surface, the drive that lead to her house. My feet were bare, like my dream, and they felt as if they were blistering like it too. Ants and spiders scrambled around; millions upon millions of them all swarming.
In time, the silhouette of a house loomed in the distance. As we walked further across the concrete surface, the house became clearer. It was wooden boards, rather than bricks. It was brown, jagged and filthy. ‘Where are we?’ I asked.
‘Wales’, my parents replied. A place unknown to me; my friend did not live here. Hills rose beyond the house, far beyond anywhere in walking distance. You could hear the sea, miles from where we stood and the wind whistled through our ears as we made our way up the concrete slope to the house on the hill.
We entered the shed-like house. Inside, my body swelled with the same fear. Dust flew around - a musky smell burning my nostrils and throat as I hesitantly inhaled. My father beckoned me onto a slide that did not catch my eye before. I hopped on and fell into darkness.
I shot out of the slide into a bright room. Large walls, chairs and tables. A trampoline was being built. There was chaos everywhere, banners hung from corners of the ceiling to other corners, reading ‘Happy Birthday’. There, in the middle of the room, was my friend.
Silence.
(I proof read all of it and improved it because your vocabulary was bland and your sentence structure was everywhere. This short story is complete and utter nonsense and I genuinely have no idea how you read through this and believed it made any sense, seen as the objective wasn't that you should write a strange dream or something like that.)
Thanks for improving it. What year are you in?. It has now been marked by an English teacher (who is a professional English examiner) and was marked 30/40. she said to improve vocabulary (like u said) and i see why. Your version is wayyyyyyyy better. Thank You for your time to rewrite it. (btw im in yr10)
Original post by hatingmygcses
Thanks for improving it. What year are you in?. It has now been marked by an English teacher (who is a professional English examiner) and was marked 30/40. she said to improve vocabulary (like u said) and i see why. Your version is wayyyyyyyy better. Thank You for your time to rewrite it. (btw im in yr10)
i'm in year 9
im in year 9 as well
Original post by Anonymous
i'm in year 9
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