Boyfriend made up with his "friend" who

I am dating another man, we live a distance so we don't see each other as often and we got to the point where we are exclusive chucking in the calling each other boyfriends. We really get along and click with aspects.

He works as security, and he bumped into what he terms an old friend from school at work. This is a loose friend from his year group he knew.

I thought it was nice for him to rekindle with an old friend and I was happy he was going over to their house when he wasn't working as he does have a limited social life, he also got introduced to his friends friends and as a little group of 5-6 of them, all boys, 1 girl, they would light bonfires, drink in their garden and I enjoyed seeing him enjoying himself. The people he was with though, are the kind who didn't take interest in school, didn't pass college and sit about all day. I am not one to judge, but this did bring up a gut feeling with their behaviour but I didn't say anything.

Come November, it all changed and he messaged me a photo of himself badly beaten in hospital at 3am, turns out, they all ganged up on him and beat him to pulp, and one of them, his "friend", tried to gouge his eye out which left him with a eye patch on for a couple of weeks and he was bruised, bloodied and had scrapes all over his head. His face was so swollen. I honestly cried for him.

He declined to press charges and there was "no evidence" who exactly assaulted him so no case was brought forward. In the end, I told him he should have, he still can but for now, to keep away from them, block them don't interact with them and if they approach or harass him again to call the police.

Over the following weeks, they shouted abuse in the streets at him too, and he also admitted to me, he told them when they was friendly, about the intimate things about what we get up to, which they now used against him, shouting it in the street calling him a freak being with a man. All he said to me was he thought they were his friends and he could trust them. I wasn't happy about how open he was about out sex life, but I said just ignore them. This abuse lasted about a month. And since then, to be honest we forgot about it.

So today, he's slept a lot of the day, he messages me intermittently, he had a long few days and did double shifts for the Easter Holidays working bank at other places like a few shops and this was his day off. When he said he's out, I said he should rest and he said he wishes he could, I assumed he was doing another shift, He asks me do I remember the fight, to which of course I do, as he tells me his "friend" has "reached out for peace" and he can tell he's in a "fantastic mood"

I told him this is plain and simple not a smart move to make, and then told me "Just remember I'm not the smartest you can get better"

I then explained to him what isn't right with any of this, mainly that an apology can be said by anybody, but they didn't care what they did to him at the time, the harm and damage and abuse they caused, including what could have easily blinded him or even killed him. And how really no apology can make this right and he's better to stay well away and should go home and ignore any more communication from them.

He quoted me “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names”

I then said its ultimately his decision what he does, I completely disagree with even entertaining them, I don't even know, but assume, he's going to their house. He didn't tell me when asked, but I want him to check in with me so I know he is safe and asked if his mum knows where he is, I asked where he is too. He replied an hour later "I am xxx" I asked what is happening and he read but ignore.

I messaged him at 11 asking well? And not seen yet.

I do not appreciate being ignored like that for a start and I am unsure what to do here.

Its also made me question, if I really can remain in a form of relationship with him. And I honestly feel, although he's an adult and he can do as he wishes, that I do have a say in this, as his boyfriend.

In turn, I feel at times I am dealing with a child in a mans body with the way he can be so unthoughtful to situations.

Reply 1

Muttly

This is time to get out your friend's life.

It is your boyfriend's choice to associate with whom he wishes, but there is so much negative energy as a result. That is his choice. I think you can pick up on the unusual 'excitement' in his mannerism's when he has 'made up' - but nothing has changed in his social circles or his life ambitions.

Learning from experiences we encounter in life is the most important aspect of getting older. Adapt or die - quite literally. That is why we ignore history at our peril. Your friend is quite likely to die at the hands of the people he has chosen to associate with. If he cannot see that and make different decisions, his choices are potentially shackling him to further injury and distress. Perhaps he is not very bright?

This relationship seems to be one of him show boating his exploits for reaction or bravado. Either way it is not good. Unwittingly you are being drawn into his drama's, which is what he wants and probably enjoys. This may be a pattern of behaviour for him, and you are the required audience to give his exploits validation.

Get out and stay out of this if you want a better life ahead of you. Avoid any further communications with this man. Find a different soul to communicate with and a more stable less violent social circle to invest your time in.