I don't want them living with us anymore

My parents have been fostering for a very long time and the person living with us now has been with us for a few years. They've been in care since they were a baby, but have been passed around from carer to carer.

I've always tried to get along with everyone and at the start things were fine and I got along with them really well, I'd take them to the park often, let them play on my gaming consoles, borrow my books, be a person for them to talk to when they were upset, sharing snacks, cheering them up, helping with homework and basically above and beyond what any other sibling would do.

Unfortunately, over the years they have become progressively worse, they lie all the time, never listen, steal things, abuse our cat, say bad words, fighting and bullying people at school - both boys and girls. They have also been known as the student having the most detentions in the entire school. It's stressful and I am growing sick of their behaviour to the point where it feels so peaceful when they are not around and I'd rather they not be around - because they are always doing something wrong.

Despite having a massive support system and lots of people to talk to, they still do terrible things, I've noticed the way they act when we talk about and anybody can easily tell they enjoy tormenting other people. We've spoken to them about things and have encouraged them massively, we tried a reward system, treating them whenever they're good and have given them lots of positive things in their life. But strangely they are always drawn to bad things no matter what it be

Before coming to live with us, they were in a terrible condition and since they've been living with us life has improved for them massively - a complete 180, but their behaviour gets worse and worse everyday - they have even been involved with the police.

I've tried everything to improve things and so have my parents, but it's getting to be too much, they purposefully do the things I dislike and my hatred grows for them day by day - I've had enough now.

Is there any advice for a situation like this? it feels like such a mess

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

bump

Reply 2

Zarek

21

Sorry to hear this, it does seem like a very difficult situation. I suppose though it is one of the risks of fostering, just like parenting. What do your parents think, I can imagine it’s not easy to give up once a commitment has been made. Perhaps there is some additional support you can call upon to help and provide support

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

Thanks for your reply, in all honesty it stresses out the entire household. Especially my parents, we have been looking after them for a number of years now and my parents have said they don't see it lasting much longer because it's getting that bad, we've been very resilient through everything and anything that's happened but the person we've been fostering just doesn't care about anyone's feelings - they want to be cared for and we do that but in return (not that we expect anything) they behave really really selfishly and it's completely unprovoked and strange. We've tried every bit of support possible and they've met so many people over the years but they still choose to behave terribly, you can advise them hundreds of times against doing something wrong but they'll do it anyway, it feels hopeless dealing with them.

Reply 4

Katerina S.

10

Could be either genetics, their situation growing up or both. I don't think you can change who they are. I think it's why its important to get people straightened out from the get go from early childhood. Later can be just too late. Going nice on them seems to lead to them taking the pee. So perhaps your parents should go more stricter on them. Make sure they know where they are at all times, make sure they are in unless they have a good reason to be out, make sure they are doing their homework all the time, etc. Some people only respect others when they don't take no sh*t. Being nice can be seen as a weakness by some people.

Reply 5

Guru Jason

21

Get rid. There are people better equipped to deal with people like this.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Katerina S.

Could be either genetics, their situation growing up or both. I don't think you can change who they are. I think it's why its important to get people straightened out from the get go from early childhood. Later can be just too late. Going nice on them seems to lead to them taking the pee. So perhaps your parents should go more stricter on them. Make sure they know where they are at all times, make sure they are in unless they have a good reason to be out, make sure they are doing their homework all the time, etc. Some people only respect others when they don't take no sh*t. Being nice can be seen as a weakness by some people.

I agree with you 100%. I think their genetics would play a lot into it because practically all of their family have shady backgrounds. Fortunately, they didn't have to witness any of the 'situation' that led to them ending up in care, but the fostering agency doesn't promote any of the discipline that you're mentioning- yes, it is important to learn from a person's mistakes in a positive manner and I'm an advocate for that. But it's not a mistake if their doing it on purpose countless times over. I'll take your advice on being stricter, I feel like I'm too nice sometimes because I end up feeling sorry for them, but with the things they've done; the line has been crossed a very long time ago and it's not going to benefit them in the long run if I'm being too nice - I'm upset with them because it feels like all the positivity we've given them in life will be for nothing and they'll turn out like their family. :frown:

Reply 7

Katerina S.

10

Original post by Anonymous

I agree with you 100%. I think their genetics would play a lot into it because practically all of their family have shady backgrounds. Fortunately, they didn't have to witness any of the 'situation' that led to them ending up in care, but the fostering agency doesn't promote any of the discipline that you're mentioning- yes, it is important to learn from a person's mistakes in a positive manner and I'm an advocate for that. But it's not a mistake if their doing it on purpose countless times over. I'll take your advice on being stricter, I feel like I'm too nice sometimes because I end up feeling sorry for them, but with the things they've done; the line has been crossed a very long time ago and it's not going to benefit them in the long run if I'm being too nice - I'm upset with them because it feels like all the positivity we've given them in life will be for nothing and they'll turn out like their family. :frown:

For sure people don't often respond well to criticism and so a positive approach can get them listening more. However, while avoiding criticism a more strict regime as mentioned may help a lot. Boundaries are important to set and maintain to avoid bad behaviour. Some children are placid & conformist by nature so don't need strict boundaries so much. Others can have much more difficult behaviour so strict boundary setting can help both sides in that case. I'm not imagining it easy or there being a quick fix as reigning in such a child particularly once out of control can be difficult. I think though that that's the best that can be done in such a situation and just endure the stress/ordeal of it until hopefully it starts to pay dividends. Kind of a bit like if you get a more aggressive breed of dog you have to be very firm, let it know whose boss and train it well otherwise the dog can get out of control. However if you see those aggressive dog breeds where the owner is really on top of controlling the dog to totality it can really be an inspiring sight to see.

I don't want them living with us anymore

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