The Student Room Group

Should I move out to uni or stay at home (toxic family situation)

Hi guys, I’ve been worrying about whether moving out would be the best choice or not. Some advice would be greatly appreciated as I’m a bit of an indecisive person.My reasons for moving out is to get away from an alcohol parent, they don’t always drink but it happens in cycles so whenever there’s a break it happens again and I don’t want to relive some terrible things. I also get little privacy as I share a room with a sibling and my mum goes through my stuff. I also don’t have much freedom as I have an early curfew to get back home and not allowed to go to or have sleepovers. Id also want to be more independent and not regret having the uni experience as I feel I’ve never made a choice for myself.My reasons for staying are that id be able to save up lots of money and continue my driving license and just have some money for myself. And, my mum said if I choose to leave then I can’t just come back for my final year of uni or after I finish so I’m stuck (and I don’t have a job but I am actively looking just haven’t been accepted anywhere since it’s difficult). Also I’d have food whenever I come back home and not really need to worry about learning how to cook whereas in uni id have to learn everything on my own. Any words of advice are welcome and greatly appreciated if anyone has been or is in a similar situation. I spoke to my friends and they say to move but I don’t know if the sacrifice id be making would be worth it. Thank you lots :smile:
Reply 1
Original post by ichigoxo
Hi guys, I’ve been worrying about whether moving out would be the best choice or not. Some advice would be greatly appreciated as I’m a bit of an indecisive person.My reasons for moving out is to get away from an alcohol parent, they don’t always drink but it happens in cycles so whenever there’s a break it happens again and I don’t want to relive some terrible things. I also get little privacy as I share a room with a sibling and my mum goes through my stuff. I also don’t have much freedom as I have an early curfew to get back home and not allowed to go to or have sleepovers. Id also want to be more independent and not regret having the uni experience as I feel I’ve never made a choice for myself.My reasons for staying are that id be able to save up lots of money and continue my driving license and just have some money for myself. And, my mum said if I choose to leave then I can’t just come back for my final year of uni or after I finish so I’m stuck (and I don’t have a job but I am actively looking just haven’t been accepted anywhere since it’s difficult). Also I’d have food whenever I come back home and not really need to worry about learning how to cook whereas in uni id have to learn everything on my own. Any words of advice are welcome and greatly appreciated if anyone has been or is in a similar situation. I spoke to my friends and they say to move but I don’t know if the sacrifice id be making would be worth it. Thank you lots :smile:


hi!

i had a similar dilemma when i first started thinking about the idea of moving out for university. i don't come from the best of situations at home and my family is a little invasive sometimes, not to mention my parents do not get along and my dad is an on and off alcoholic. i've fortunately been lucky enough though, i've spoken to my mother about it in depth and made her aware that i do want to move out and that i am perfectly fine on my own and she seems to be very supportive. i don't know if that will actually stay the same when the day comes, but we shall see.

when i was first thinking about it, i was considering moving to cambridge, which is about 2 hours from where i currently live. the whole idea was to just start fresh, since i don't know any of my close friends that are planning on going to the same university, so i wouldn't know anyone, i'd be living alone and i could just pretend as if i'm starting a new life. but the more i thought about it, the more obvious it became that it would put me in a crippling financial situation if i did. so then i spoke to my mother about it again and she recommended i'd just stay at home and commute. save money in the long term because i wouldn't have to pay rent, then eventually be able to buy myself a car. but i hated the idea of staying home, i'd been looking forward to moving out for so long and this is the only opportunity I'll have for a long while.

luckily, when i was in year 13 and now that i've been finished with school for the summer, i'm often never home. i have a boyfriend who lives around 2 hours away from me too, and i would often stay at his house for a weekend and during half-terms. after i finished my final a-level exam i was at his house for a whole 3 weeks and will be returning soon. we've been together for over a year now and are looking to move in together. at first the whole idea was really scary and sort of on a whim. obviously there's benefits since I'll be able to see him every day, and neither of us will have to spend money on travel to see each other. (me on train tickets and him on petrol). i'm using this as an example, because us living together means neither of us will have to pay as much rent/bills if we were to live alone. i would recommend doing something similar, not necessarily with someone you're in a relationship with, but a couple of friends. you could get a house share or a flat and easily spend around £450-£500 a month on rent that's split between you, depending on how many of you there is. i'm splitting rent with 3 other people. me, my boyfriend, his sister and her boyfriend, which we've discussed thoroughly and is what we're planning on doing, we're just looking for a place to rent right now.

so if you have any close friends that are going to the same university as you, you could speak to them about it and see if they'd wanna move in together, or alternatively, you could also just move into a houseshare and make some new friends. but if not, i vote to move out anyway, it may be expensive, but since i'm in a similar household situation i would honestly give anything to move away and start fresh, earn my independence, etc. but if you really, really would prefer to save money, and then potentially move out during your 2nd year, stay at home and commute. save money for a license, car, lessons, etc. and put some money aside for accommodation or a flat for 2nd year. 1st year will be over in a blink, the same way sixth form/college seems to have just come to an end so fast, even though during the matter it seemed like forever until you would even think about going to university.

it's really up to you. take every little factor into consideration and then come to a decision that you think will benefit you the most. outweigh all the pros and cons and figure it out from there!

you'll be perfectly fine.
Reply 2
Original post by Anonymous
hi!

i had a similar dilemma when i first started thinking about the idea of moving out for university. i don't come from the best of situations at home and my family is a little invasive sometimes, not to mention my parents do not get along and my dad is an on and off alcoholic. i've fortunately been lucky enough though, i've spoken to my mother about it in depth and made her aware that i do want to move out and that i am perfectly fine on my own and she seems to be very supportive. i don't know if that will actually stay the same when the day comes, but we shall see.

when i was first thinking about it, i was considering moving to cambridge, which is about 2 hours from where i currently live. the whole idea was to just start fresh, since i don't know any of my close friends that are planning on going to the same university, so i wouldn't know anyone, i'd be living alone and i could just pretend as if i'm starting a new life. but the more i thought about it, the more obvious it became that it would put me in a crippling financial situation if i did. so then i spoke to my mother about it again and she recommended i'd just stay at home and commute. save money in the long term because i wouldn't have to pay rent, then eventually be able to buy myself a car. but i hated the idea of staying home, i'd been looking forward to moving out for so long and this is the only opportunity I'll have for a long while.

luckily, when i was in year 13 and now that i've been finished with school for the summer, i'm often never home. i have a boyfriend who lives around 2 hours away from me too, and i would often stay at his house for a weekend and during half-terms. after i finished my final a-level exam i was at his house for a whole 3 weeks and will be returning soon. we've been together for over a year now and are looking to move in together. at first the whole idea was really scary and sort of on a whim. obviously there's benefits since I'll be able to see him every day, and neither of us will have to spend money on travel to see each other. (me on train tickets and him on petrol). i'm using this as an example, because us living together means neither of us will have to pay as much rent/bills if we were to live alone. i would recommend doing something similar, not necessarily with someone you're in a relationship with, but a couple of friends. you could get a house share or a flat and easily spend around £450-£500 a month on rent that's split between you, depending on how many of you there is. i'm splitting rent with 3 other people. me, my boyfriend, his sister and her boyfriend, which we've discussed thoroughly and is what we're planning on doing, we're just looking for a place to rent right now.

so if you have any close friends that are going to the same university as you, you could speak to them about it and see if they'd wanna move in together, or alternatively, you could also just move into a houseshare and make some new friends. but if not, i vote to move out anyway, it may be expensive, but since i'm in a similar household situation i would honestly give anything to move away and start fresh, earn my independence, etc. but if you really, really would prefer to save money, and then potentially move out during your 2nd year, stay at home and commute. save money for a license, car, lessons, etc. and put some money aside for accommodation or a flat for 2nd year. 1st year will be over in a blink, the same way sixth form/college seems to have just come to an end so fast, even though during the matter it seemed like forever until you would even think about going to university.

it's really up to you. take every little factor into consideration and then come to a decision that you think will benefit you the most. outweigh all the pros and cons and figure it out from there!

you'll be perfectly fine.

Thank you so much this helps :smile:
Original post by ichigoxo
Hi guys, I’ve been worrying about whether moving out would be the best choice or not. Some advice would be greatly appreciated as I’m a bit of an indecisive person.My reasons for moving out is to get away from an alcohol parent, they don’t always drink but it happens in cycles so whenever there’s a break it happens again and I don’t want to relive some terrible things. I also get little privacy as I share a room with a sibling and my mum goes through my stuff. I also don’t have much freedom as I have an early curfew to get back home and not allowed to go to or have sleepovers. Id also want to be more independent and not regret having the uni experience as I feel I’ve never made a choice for myself.My reasons for staying are that id be able to save up lots of money and continue my driving license and just have some money for myself. And, my mum said if I choose to leave then I can’t just come back for my final year of uni or after I finish so I’m stuck (and I don’t have a job but I am actively looking just haven’t been accepted anywhere since it’s difficult). Also I’d have food whenever I come back home and not really need to worry about learning how to cook whereas in uni id have to learn everything on my own. Any words of advice are welcome and greatly appreciated if anyone has been or is in a similar situation. I spoke to my friends and they say to move but I don’t know if the sacrifice id be making would be worth it. Thank you lots :smile:

Hiya,

This sounds like a really big and tough decision! I think it is brave that you are even considering moving out to be honest.

While I haven’t been in a similar situation, I do have friends with similar circumstances. Based on what you said, it sounds like you want to try and gain some independence and freedom but maybe a little apprehensive to do so. That is completely understandable! I think most people have worries the first time they move away from home. I think it would be good for you to consider how you think your home life would effect your uni work and uni experience, if the cycle does come back around?

Most students work and I think you will be able to find a flexible job that works for you, no problem. Applying to your university to be a student ambassador is a great option too! Money is always tight for students, even if you live at home and work but everyone is in the same boat! If you move out, all your friends and house mates will be students too. As long as you budget well, you can get by just fine. You have all your life to save! We all want to save but it is okay to put that on hold while you are studying. It's one less pressure!

Don't worry about learning to cook. There is so many online resources and you tube videos that make learning to cook easy, even if you have never done it before! It often seems overly complicated, but start basic and you can slowly build on the different things you can cook. The first thing I learnt to cook was a spaghetti Bolognese, and that’s all I could cook until I started to teach myself more when I was about 19/20 years old. I know lots of people that learnt to cook while at uni. Just an added bonus if you ask me.

Honestly, I think you would love uni life and finding yourself and your independence! I'd say go for it! Everything in life an experience and we always learn something. So even if after 6 months you decide you'd like to move back home, then you can!

It is also important to do what feels right for you and don't move out based on what others think you should do. Take some quiet time for yourself and think about your life over the next 3 years, what can you see yourself doing? What to you want to experience? What makes you more excited?

I hope this helps! Good luck making your decision and whatever you decide, I hope you love university as much as I do!

Sophie (ARU) :smile:
Reply 4
Original post by ARUStudents
Hiya,

This sounds like a really big and tough decision! I think it is brave that you are even considering moving out to be honest.

While I haven’t been in a similar situation, I do have friends with similar circumstances. Based on what you said, it sounds like you want to try and gain some independence and freedom but maybe a little apprehensive to do so. That is completely understandable! I think most people have worries the first time they move away from home. I think it would be good for you to consider how you think your home life would effect your uni work and uni experience, if the cycle does come back around?

Most students work and I think you will be able to find a flexible job that works for you, no problem. Applying to your university to be a student ambassador is a great option too! Money is always tight for students, even if you live at home and work but everyone is in the same boat! If you move out, all your friends and house mates will be students too. As long as you budget well, you can get by just fine. You have all your life to save! We all want to save but it is okay to put that on hold while you are studying. It's one less pressure!

Don't worry about learning to cook. There is so many online resources and you tube videos that make learning to cook easy, even if you have never done it before! It often seems overly complicated, but start basic and you can slowly build on the different things you can cook. The first thing I learnt to cook was a spaghetti Bolognese, and that’s all I could cook until I started to teach myself more when I was about 19/20 years old. I know lots of people that learnt to cook while at uni. Just an added bonus if you ask me.

Honestly, I think you would love uni life and finding yourself and your independence! I'd say go for it! Everything in life an experience and we always learn something. So even if after 6 months you decide you'd like to move back home, then you can!

It is also important to do what feels right for you and don't move out based on what others think you should do. Take some quiet time for yourself and think about your life over the next 3 years, what can you see yourself doing? What to you want to experience? What makes you more excited?

I hope this helps! Good luck making your decision and whatever you decide, I hope you love university as much as I do!

Sophie (ARU) :smile:


Thank you lots this helps :smile: it’s just that I don’t know if my mum would let me move back in after the year is over which is my dilemma :/

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