The Student Room Group

Accepting Bisexuality

I think, as many people do, I've had a bit of an weird road regarding my own sexuality. Not sure how relevant it is, but I'm a 20 year old guy.

I think I've been very confused in the way that I've gone through phases of liking girls, then guys, sort of on and off, sometimes at the same time but more or less a shifting preference which I think more so tends to be with guys. I'm quite content with this fact - I don't feel the need really to have a label and although I've doubted myself many times, questioning whether or not I might be gay, I kind of am not bothered and am happy to go with the flow.

Having said this, I am totally in the closet about it. I've never had this conversation with anybody (in the past if I have been questioned about it, I've affirmingly told people that I'm straight). In the past guys have shown an interest in me, maybe on a night out or something, but I've always shunned it away instantly and dismissed them. I don't really know why - I think it's because I don't want to accept it, or if I'm out with friends or something.

I've thought about coming out to people. I count myself as very blessed, surrounded by a big group of very supportive people. I however can't help thinking that when I do, people will think

- The stigmatism some people have with bi men, when they say they are bi but are just trying to avoid the word gay, and being invalidated
- People telling me that they knew already, or that they always thought I was. I think trying to tell something about myself that I can barely accept and have people tell me they've already known would suck.
- It being conversation. I think as I tell people, people will know and talk about it when I'm not there.

I know all of these reasons are completely normal things that lots of queer people face when coming out. I am just finding it trouble to come to terms with it.

I'm quite a social person, and as much as many of my friends would be supportive, I also know there are also some friends who I care about a lot (including my best friend) who will view me differently, distance from me or just take the **** here and there.

Again, I'm aware that this just is the case when people come out. I do consider myself very privileged. I think my issue is a combination of things - a huge thing being actually moving on from internally accepting it to actually displaying that acceptance.

I think this isn't so much as a question, but a bit of a plea for advice. I think in a way it has helped me just by writing it out and listing out reasons and ways that I feel.

Many many thanks,
The only one who can understand you and take care of you, is you, yourself
So you must take care of yourself.
heya! 18 year old woman here, I'm bi (eh labels) too! and have a very similar sexuality experience to you, I was kinda shocked to see someone else describe my perspective so closely I almost thought I was reading one of my own posts lol. Only I should say, I first came out when I was.. 13/14 i think, and I had a hunch I wasn't straight but I didn't know I was any particular 'kind' of not straight. It was also litterally minutes after intensely thinking about the beauty of women and concluding - very naturally - I wouldn't want to deny myself a lesbian relationship merely because I might be straight. Go littler me!

I can't really talk to the stigmatisation of gay/bi/queer men - obviously different experiences - or the talking behing your back but if you are worried about your relationships changing I have a few things that might be nice to hear. (I'm out to all my friends and I will openly mention it to new people in our social spheres btw. really coming out is like a constant social practise rather than the one and done thing that queer media can make it out to be.)

With the friends and altering relationships I've found that, if you have close and kind friends, generally however you go about discussing it and mentioning it sets the tone - it's a conversation you have a lot of control over.
At first my friends didn't really know what they could ask and how to act but, as we all just kept being friends and hanging out, nothing really changed? I mean, especially as we got older, I started talking about being queer and the women I liked and at first it was like they were holding their breathe in those moments, but after a while it was just... part of the background I guess? It wasn't like I stopped talking about men (Mads Mikkelsen anyone? I was obsessed with Hannibal for years) I would just also talk about women and openly chat up other gay women in clubs and at parties. They lose their trepidation, you lose your hesitation, the world goes on. Really you haven't changed and neither have they, they just know you a little better.

If your friends can see it that way, your friendships really can't be negatively impacted. At least, I'm assuming your friends would be beyond the realm of 'so do you have a crush on me?' - there's only so many times you can come back with 'No, I'm not attracted to idiots/ugly people/other cheap shots.' before it's just boring.

Cute anecdote this reminds me of! Once I was ranting about how much I loved the first Wonder Woman movie (but not her shoes urgh high heeled 'battle' wedges? come on?!) and how I was so attracted to the grecian/roman protrayal of feminity in their religious philosophy and art and when I looked over to my friend she was so? Happy?? Like you could see it shining in her eyes! Apparently all because she felt like she knew me so much better!? And she was so innocently happy for me to be able to talk about myself! Now it's been two (I think?) years since then and it's not even a thing to get happy about anymore, it's just part of the closeness we have!

My point is: for all the terrible outcomes and uncomfortable social dynamics, there are just as many ways your relationships will improve or just remain just the same.

Maybe I've totally missed the mark, but if you want to rant I'm happy to be a sounding board!

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