I think, as many people do, I've had a bit of an weird road regarding my own sexuality. Not sure how relevant it is, but I'm a 20 year old guy.
I think I've been very confused in the way that I've gone through phases of liking girls, then guys, sort of on and off, sometimes at the same time but more or less a shifting preference which I think more so tends to be with guys. I'm quite content with this fact - I don't feel the need really to have a label and although I've doubted myself many times, questioning whether or not I might be gay, I kind of am not bothered and am happy to go with the flow.
Having said this, I am totally in the closet about it. I've never had this conversation with anybody (in the past if I have been questioned about it, I've affirmingly told people that I'm straight). In the past guys have shown an interest in me, maybe on a night out or something, but I've always shunned it away instantly and dismissed them. I don't really know why - I think it's because I don't want to accept it, or if I'm out with friends or something.
I've thought about coming out to people. I count myself as very blessed, surrounded by a big group of very supportive people. I however can't help thinking that when I do, people will think
- The stigmatism some people have with bi men, when they say they are bi but are just trying to avoid the word gay, and being invalidated
- People telling me that they knew already, or that they always thought I was. I think trying to tell something about myself that I can barely accept and have people tell me they've already known would suck.
- It being conversation. I think as I tell people, people will know and talk about it when I'm not there.
I know all of these reasons are completely normal things that lots of queer people face when coming out. I am just finding it trouble to come to terms with it.
I'm quite a social person, and as much as many of my friends would be supportive, I also know there are also some friends who I care about a lot (including my best friend) who will view me differently, distance from me or just take the **** here and there.
Again, I'm aware that this just is the case when people come out. I do consider myself very privileged. I think my issue is a combination of things - a huge thing being actually moving on from internally accepting it to actually displaying that acceptance.
I think this isn't so much as a question, but a bit of a plea for advice. I think in a way it has helped me just by writing it out and listing out reasons and ways that I feel.
Many many thanks,