The Student Room Group

Don’t have any friends at uni, in my final year

So throughout my life I have struggled making friends at everywhere I am.

I used to be very shy and I think this is one of the main reasons why my social skills suck. Now I have ******* memory problems and attention issues so that just makes things worse for me. I went to an art society just to try it and I forgot everyone’s name. They all seemed like good artists and my painting looked like a kid did it, so I was feeling insecure.

I just felt like I couldn’t connect with them, they seemed to be doing creative subjects and I am doing science. I didn’t know how to respond to things.

I couldn’t think of anything to ask.
I want to talk to people but people seem unapproachable in lectures, even the people who come alone never want to strike up a conversation.

I want to start talking to people in lecture even if it is small talk, but I have no idea what to say? Should I say hi, my name is ___ what’s urs? And then what? I am bad at coming up with topics?

Also wondering if I should bother since it’s last year, the loneliness from uni hit me like a brick, I had forgotten how I used to feel when I was at uni.

I did have acquaintances in uni, but again because of my memory issues it can be difficult to remember things about people. I feel like I should have put more effort in and maybe not have been scared, my whole life has made me believe that I have a boring personality.

And maybe it’s true, I feel like I torture people with my presence. One of my acquaintance stopped talking to me out of nowhere and I think it’s because of that. It was nice, we could take the same train home :frown:

And say I meet people at societies no one does the same course as me. I thought uni would be different for me, I thought that my social life would be different, but I got hit with memory problems and clearly have unhealthy beliefs about myself.

I feel like I’ll probably graduate alone. I just wish I knew why I seem unapproachable, maybe it’s the resting ***** face, how the **** do I change that?

I see people on their own in lectures and around uni but I still feeling ******* lonely
Original post by idiotsandwich5
So throughout my life I have struggled making friends at everywhere I am.

I used to be very shy and I think this is one of the main reasons why my social skills suck. Now I have ******* memory problems and attention issues so that just makes things worse for me. I went to an art society just to try it and I forgot everyone’s name. They all seemed like good artists and my painting looked like a kid did it, so I was feeling insecure.

I just felt like I couldn’t connect with them, they seemed to be doing creative subjects and I am doing science. I didn’t know how to respond to things.

I couldn’t think of anything to ask.
I want to talk to people but people seem unapproachable in lectures, even the people who come alone never want to strike up a conversation.

I want to start talking to people in lecture even if it is small talk, but I have no idea what to say? Should I say hi, my name is ___ what’s urs? And then what? I am bad at coming up with topics?

Also wondering if I should bother since it’s last year, the loneliness from uni hit me like a brick, I had forgotten how I used to feel when I was at uni.

I did have acquaintances in uni, but again because of my memory issues it can be difficult to remember things about people. I feel like I should have put more effort in and maybe not have been scared, my whole life has made me believe that I have a boring personality.

And maybe it’s true, I feel like I torture people with my presence. One of my acquaintance stopped talking to me out of nowhere and I think it’s because of that. It was nice, we could take the same train home :frown:

And say I meet people at societies no one does the same course as me. I thought uni would be different for me, I thought that my social life would be different, but I got hit with memory problems and clearly have unhealthy beliefs about myself.

I feel like I’ll probably graduate alone. I just wish I knew why I seem unapproachable, maybe it’s the resting ***** face, how the **** do I change that?

I see people on their own in lectures and around uni but I still feeling ******* lonely


hey, sorry to hear that.
regarding your memory problems, have you been spoken to your doctor about it. Many different factors can affect it, however tis always better to get checked out to rule out any neurological conditions. If you have, it may be worth sharing your anxieties with your GP in private and asking them if they have any suggestions for coping (Im not a doctor btw but am hoping to be a consultant in my 30s).

If im honest, Im was in a similar boat to yourself in the sense I had no friends / would always try hanging out but always felt like an outsider (to be fiar, I was suffering PTSD and social anxiety during 1st 2 years, and if I am honest, I was a bit of an arrogant ******* as well (joys of being gifted he says sarcastically). I had nobody I could talk to and nobody to hang out with and yeah, come graduation i was lonely, with a broken leg, and was bored with my parents.
Truth is, even 10 years after graduating, I still have no friends but a lot of acquaintances. 1 thing I feel helped was keeping in contact with acquiantances via social media as it makes sure you can see what people are up to and dont necessarily have to remember things about them. This helps if you are attending professional networking events and I feel that communicating behind a keypad is less stressful than face to face. Also with me, because I am a health professional as well, you kinda have to adopt a extrovert personality at work as it helps patients feel at ease.
Also in terms of striking up conversations, I find talking about current events in the news, or sports results, or even course topics can be useful. Even faking asking for help for something re work or lectures is a good gateway for striking a conversation. Also just being a bit patient with people's quirks helps as well (Im boredline neurotypical and will admit I get flustered and occasionally overwhelmed but am circumspect to reign in any anxieties I may have, and weirdly enough by calming myself down, I find I am able to calm down colleagues and patients, especially those with autism, tourettes and other disorders). Art is a great unifier and its cool you are in an art soc. It may be worth taking pictures of people with works / tagging in social media so you have a reference to remind yourself of who someone is or what they did.
In terms of no-nos, do not emotionally overburden someone as you will lose a lot of friends...fast and hard because people will be fed up. I find samaritans and mind are good outlets, as well as uni councillors. Even taking up sports classes or going gym is useful as you can always find ways to talk to people you feel are approachable (you dont have to at the gym but sports classes communication is key).

In any case, I wish you the best of luck with the future and hope you get all the help you need emotionally, mentally and physically.
Original post by idiotsandwich5
So throughout my life I have struggled making friends at everywhere I am.

I used to be very shy and I think this is one of the main reasons why my social skills suck. Now I have ******* memory problems and attention issues so that just makes things worse for me. I went to an art society just to try it and I forgot everyone’s name. They all seemed like good artists and my painting looked like a kid did it, so I was feeling insecure.

I just felt like I couldn’t connect with them, they seemed to be doing creative subjects and I am doing science. I didn’t know how to respond to things.

I couldn’t think of anything to ask.
I want to talk to people but people seem unapproachable in lectures, even the people who come alone never want to strike up a conversation.

I want to start talking to people in lecture even if it is small talk, but I have no idea what to say? Should I say hi, my name is ___ what’s urs? And then what? I am bad at coming up with topics?

Also wondering if I should bother since it’s last year, the loneliness from uni hit me like a brick, I had forgotten how I used to feel when I was at uni.

I did have acquaintances in uni, but again because of my memory issues it can be difficult to remember things about people. I feel like I should have put more effort in and maybe not have been scared, my whole life has made me believe that I have a boring personality.

And maybe it’s true, I feel like I torture people with my presence. One of my acquaintance stopped talking to me out of nowhere and I think it’s because of that. It was nice, we could take the same train home :frown:

And say I meet people at societies no one does the same course as me. I thought uni would be different for me, I thought that my social life would be different, but I got hit with memory problems and clearly have unhealthy beliefs about myself.

I feel like I’ll probably graduate alone. I just wish I knew why I seem unapproachable, maybe it’s the resting ***** face, how the **** do I change that?

I see people on their own in lectures and around uni but I still feeling ******* lonely

Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

I understand that it can be hard to make friends at University (and it may seem worse in third year), especially when it comes to people who are more introverted and shy.

It is good that you tried to go to societies, whilst the first few sessions may not have gone too well. I usually find that if you turn up to the same society a couple more times, you will be able to get to know people.

Societies are a good place to pick up a new hobby, you need not be a professional to participate and enjoy the activity. Whilst you may find it harder to talk about art, you could always talk about different topics. Or I find showing that you are listening and interested in what they are saying is good too.

I know that not being able to remember people's names can be frustrating, it may be caused because you are too nervous or thinking for topics to speak about~ before you are leaving a conversation, you could always ask them to remind you of their name, or perhaps ask for contact details. :smile: If you memory is concerning you at all, do get in touch with a GP, they may be able to consult you with it.

Try not to think about yourself negatively, people end up distancing for many different reasons, and it is quite common. There are often many other factors such as time, studies that cannot be controlled. Friend groups in University are quite flexible, they change all the time, you can always go to different activities to meet new friends.

If you are upset or feeling alone at any time, you could always contact your University's support and wellbeing team. They will be able to help you through this difficult time and give you advice on how to overcome it. Depending on your University, they may also host networking events, so you could get to meet new people this way too!

I hope this helps.
Chloe
-University of Kent Student Rep
Original post by idiotsandwich5
So throughout my life I have struggled making friends at everywhere I am.

I used to be very shy and I think this is one of the main reasons why my social skills suck. Now I have ******* memory problems and attention issues so that just makes things worse for me. I went to an art society just to try it and I forgot everyone’s name. They all seemed like good artists and my painting looked like a kid did it, so I was feeling insecure.

I just felt like I couldn’t connect with them, they seemed to be doing creative subjects and I am doing science. I didn’t know how to respond to things.

I couldn’t think of anything to ask.
I want to talk to people but people seem unapproachable in lectures, even the people who come alone never want to strike up a conversation.

I want to start talking to people in lecture even if it is small talk, but I have no idea what to say? Should I say hi, my name is ___ what’s urs? And then what? I am bad at coming up with topics?

Also wondering if I should bother since it’s last year, the loneliness from uni hit me like a brick, I had forgotten how I used to feel when I was at uni.

I did have acquaintances in uni, but again because of my memory issues it can be difficult to remember things about people. I feel like I should have put more effort in and maybe not have been scared, my whole life has made me believe that I have a boring personality.

And maybe it’s true, I feel like I torture people with my presence. One of my acquaintance stopped talking to me out of nowhere and I think it’s because of that. It was nice, we could take the same train home :frown:

And say I meet people at societies no one does the same course as me. I thought uni would be different for me, I thought that my social life would be different, but I got hit with memory problems and clearly have unhealthy beliefs about myself.

I feel like I’ll probably graduate alone. I just wish I knew why I seem unapproachable, maybe it’s the resting ***** face, how the **** do I change that?

I see people on their own in lectures and around uni but I still feeling ******* lonely

Hi @idiotsandwich5,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It can be tough making friends at any stage in university, but especially in third year when it seems everyone has established groups and you're shy and introverted. It is definitely worth trying though.

It's great that you tried the art society - that's a great way to push yourself a little to try something new and talk to new people. I'd recommend you keep trying! Maybe find a different society or club you're interested in and try that, as you may find people on a similar course/with similar interests as you.

Small talk can be difficult and feel *very* awkward, but it's going to be something you'll have to do to get to know people. Telling them your name and finding out theirs is a good start. Maybe ask what modules they're taking, ask them something about the class, do they live on- or off-campus, how are they enjoying university so far, do they have plans after graduation, are they involved in any sports or societies, what kind of hobbies do they have, etc! Those are just some general topics to get started, and I'm sure you can find something in common and talk about that. Conversation won't always flow and you might not click with everyone you talk to, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

If you're worried about your memory, I'd recommend talking to a professional/GP. It might be beneficial for you to get in contact with your university support and well-being services too, as they can support you in working to feel better and more confident about yourself and your abilities, can provide advice, and may have some tips and tricks of their own on how to make friends!

I hope this helps,
Isabella

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