Hi, so I’ve never posted on anything like this before, and there’s no one I can really be honest about this with and don’t know if I’m overthinking/reading too much into the situation.
I had a very unsettled childhood with my mother leaving and being brought up my grandparents. My father was in and out of my life, and I have always had a difficult relationship with him.
I remember between the ages of roughly 5-10 ish, my father was a drunk and would spend nearly all of his time in the pub, our only father/daughter time would be when he would take me to the pub, get drunk and allow others to look after me. I remember every Sunday night, he would go to bed about 7/8pm and would always want me to get into bed with him and he would “spoon” cuddle me. I remember always feeling anxious and not wanting to go, I remember telling my grandma I didn’t want to be with him on my own.
I don’t remember anything ever happening, but i don’t remember most of my childhood. I just remember that awful anxious feeling and thinking it was the last place I wanted to be, and would dread him saying he wanted to go to his bedroom and cuddle. I also remember being terrified to move or wriggle to get comfortable when I was there because I was scared he would shout at me.
I would get a strange burning/uncomfortable/anxious butterfly feeling in my lower abdomen, which I have got before when I have felt uncomfortable in sexual situations.
He has also made comments since I have been adult, remarking and making jokes that I’ve slept around a lot (I haven’t, or even if I had I wouldn’t have discussed it with him to any length), and had once said when talking about relationships “if you weren’t my daughter you’d be my perfect woman”, which gave me that burning anxious sensation in my abdomen again.
One of the only memories I have from being a child is the sensation of a very large finger being in my mouth and sucking on it. Obviously it was a normal sized adult finger, and it was just my child-sized mouth. Again, this could be totally innocent and a memory from being a baby perhaps?
Since my childhood I have also have a lot of issues with anxiety and depression, brain fog, sense of worthlessness etc. But this of course could be due to other issues related to my childhood.
Have I overthought this too much, where it is completely innocent and it’s just a strained relationship with my father due to his drinking etc.? Or is it a sign that something else happened as a child and I have blocked it out of my memory?