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Rebuilding a friendship with someone you've slept with?

Has anyone successfully rebuilt a friendship after sleeping with someone? I missed the guy alot and pretty much cut him off last summer. He's reached out again, we've both established the sex changed things and I don't wanna go there again. I also felt like he didn't really value the friendship, but I don't know if that's just me realising I made a mistake sleeping with him.

It feels nice to have him back in my life, but I don't know if I'm making the right choice.
(edited 6 months ago)
Reply 1
It's worth thinking about why the sex ruined the friendship. Sex can definitely change things, but it depends on other things too. I'm reading between the lines here, but when you said that he "didn't really value the friendship" do you mean that he just wanted to sleep with you? If you had a good friendship before you had sex then I'd say it's probably the right choice to try to be friends with him again, but if he wasn't that good as a friend I don't see the point.
Reply 2
Original post by Doomotron
It's worth thinking about why the sex ruined the friendship. Sex can definitely change things, but it depends on other things too. I'm reading between the lines here, but when you said that he "didn't really value the friendship" do you mean that he just wanted to sleep with you? If you had a good friendship before you had sex then I'd say it's probably the right choice to try to be friends with him again, but if he wasn't that good as a friend I don't see the point.

This is something I'm trying to work out myself. When we met we did go on a few dates and we didn't have sex, however I know he wanted to.

We remained 'friends' over the years however we've also been in relationships during this time.

Then we became closer when he broke up with his ex. We started to flirt alot, conversations got very heated.. Then the first time we met up we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I tried to take things a step back and we took things a bit further. This was the same thing everytime we met up although we still had some what of a friendship. I started to regret things and thought he didn't value our friendship and it was just sex to him. So I stopped talking to him.

I really missed him as he was someone I spoke to regularly and we get on really well. He reached out to me a few times. This time I replied back to him and we spoke about things. I felt happy about us reconnecting however I feel a little doubtful. He says he missed our friendship however I feel like it's code for all other stuff that happened.
(edited 6 months ago)
Reply 3
Original post by Gelgirl
This is something I'm trying to work out myself. When we met we did go on a few dates and we didn't have sex, however I know he wanted to.

We remained 'friends' over the years however we've also been in relationships during this time.

Then we became closer when he broke up with his ex. We started to flirt alot, conversations got very heated.. Then the first time we met up we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I tried to take things a step back and we took things a bit further. This was the same thing everytime we met up although we still had some what of a friendship. I started to regret things and thought he didn't value our friendship and it was just sex to him. So I stopped talking to him.

I really missed him as he was someone I spoke to regularly and we get on really well. He reached out to me a few times. This time I replied back to him and we spoke about things. I felt happy about us reconnecting however I feel a little doubtful. He says he missed our friendship however I feel like it's code for all other stuff that happened.

It sounds like - and remember this is an outsider's perspective - that to at least some degree you both had some level of attraction towards each other. Whether it was lust or love I do not know, and whether it's actually true I don't know either. He seems nice, but when he says he missed the friendship it does come across to me like he wants to get back into bed with you.
Reply 4
Maybe you should try being a couple again.
You can be both a couple and best friends.
Just try to communicate more about your relationship problems when they appear. I mean you should explain what you expect him to do for your relationship to work, and ask him what he wants you to do for your relationship.
Reply 5
Original post by Doomotron
It sounds like - and remember this is an outsider's perspective - that to at least some degree you both had some level of attraction towards each other. Whether it was lust or love I do not know, and whether it's actually true I don't know either. He seems nice, but when he says he missed the friendship it does come across to me like he wants to get back into bed with you.

Yeah there is some attraction between us for sure. We've spoken about things more and he said he misses everything including the sex, he has no regrets but that doesn't mean he's trying to sleep with me.
Reply 6
Original post by Kathy89
Maybe you should try being a couple again.
You can be both a couple and best friends.
Just try to communicate more about your relationship problems when they appear. I mean you should explain what you expect him to do for your relationship to work, and ask him what he wants you to do for your relationship.

Hey, we were never in a relationship. We were just friends and then we randomly started having sex. So it was just casual. Neither of us like each other as more than a friend. We both missed our friendship, however he has admitted to missing the sex also (I won't be going down that road again) and so far we seem to be communicating better.
(edited 6 months ago)
Original post by Gelgirl
Has anyone successfully rebuilt a friendship after sleeping with someone? I missed the guy alot and pretty much cut him off last summer. He's reached out again, we've both established the sex changed things and I don't wanna go there again. I also felt like he didn't really value the friendship, but I don't know if that's just me realising I made a mistake sleeping with him.

It feels nice to have him back in my life, but I don't know if I'm making the right choice.

I don't know the guy - but for the sounds of it it was never a "real friendship". From my perspective he played the long game and was friends purely to try and sleep with you.

If you are having doubts about it you're probably better off not including this person in your life, however if you wish to do so anyway - you have to set your boundaries from the start of this rekindled "friendship". If you don't set the boundaries you will be on a path of another mistake. If he doesn't respect your boundaries then you need to make that known and not be silent about it.
Reply 8
Original post by StevenWong1
I don't know the guy - but for the sounds of it it was never a "real friendship". From my perspective he played the long game and was friends purely to try and sleep with you.

If you are having doubts about it you're probably better off not including this person in your life, however if you wish to do so anyway - you have to set your boundaries from the start of this rekindled "friendship". If you don't set the boundaries you will be on a path of another mistake. If he doesn't respect your boundaries then you need to make that known and not be silent about it.

Hey I told him we won't be repeating what happened. But I also told him I had my doubts about the reasons he contacted me. He basically said he misses everything about our friendship, he didn't regret the sex and just because he reached out to me first it didn't mean it just wants to sleep with me.

We had another conversation where he asked why I stopped talking to him again and there must be a real reason when we spoke about me blocking him. He said his gut was telling him I thought he was using me for sex. When I told him this was the reason, he just started being weird. And replying with one word. This is was something I had already told him when we first started talking again, but I admitted I could have explained things properly but thought we would end up in an argument. He seemed annoyed at this point. I asked if he was angry, he said no. That was a few days ago and I've not heard from him since.
Reply 9
I think he knows he was 'caught' (not the best word for it but I'm sure you get the picture). If you said it wasn't the reason, he'd continue speaking to you, probably to use you. However, now you seem to be out of the picture for him his interest has collapsed.
Reply 10
Original post by Doomotron
I think he knows he was 'caught' (not the best word for it but I'm sure you get the picture). If you said it wasn't the reason, he'd continue speaking to you, probably to use you. However, now you seem to be out of the picture for him his interest has collapsed.

I see where you're coming from. It was even the way he said " but that doesn't mean I'm trying to sleep with you" kinda felt like he definitely is because he didn't rule it out.

Gosh I feel so sad because I missed him and our interactions minus the sex. I feel like I'm such a loser for entertaining him this time around although it was only for a short time ☹️ I was really happy about us reconnecting a while ago and now I just feel sad
Original post by Gelgirl
I see where you're coming from. It was even the way he said " but that doesn't mean I'm trying to sleep with you" kinda felt like he definitely is because he didn't rule it out.

Gosh I feel so sad because I missed him and our interactions minus the sex. I feel like I'm such a loser for entertaining him this time around although it was only for a short time ☹️ I was really happy about us reconnecting a while ago and now I just feel sad

You don't need to feel bad for talking to him. Sometimes people change, and if he had changed you talking to him probably would have been a good thing. But if we're correct and he really does just want to get back into bed with you, I don't think you could have really known. Don't worry.

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