Advice about living with someone with a terminal illness and general life?

Okay, in December 2022, my mum got her terminal cancer diagnosis, and she has been very bad lately: hardly eating, very grouchy, constantly in pain, etc. I mean, I got told that her chemo wasnt working around 2 weeks go; I went on to fluff up my imperial chemical engineering interview by failing to answer simple maths questions, so i will probably get rejected because ****.

So, for a bit of background, I got my A-level results in 2023 (A*A*A*A) (the highest in my year because I am crazy and my school is borderline bad)(and what's so funny was that for my GCSEs (covid predicted) i got 9766666655 and was in the bottom 50% of my year (partly because of my mums first cancer diagnosis and also because **** covid predicted) and decided to teach myself another A-level (Maths) in my gap year since I decided to switch from medicine (I got a 2970 B2 in the UCAT 4/4 interviews but I withdrew my application because I felt like the interviews didnt go my way and also my circumstances and the state of the NHS led to me to decide that I no longer wanted to do medicine) to Biomedical or chemical engineering. To be honest, I would have loved to have joined the military as a doctor, however, it seems like it will only ever be a dream (I also feel like my qol wouldve been **** as a doctor so I still dont think it was right for me).

I have almost completed maths (93% completed (I have moments and dynamics left to complete)); however, I am getting a bit nervous about whether I can get an A* since I do not have a tutor and my family cannot afford one (I am getting 70-90% in a level past papers; however, I normally give myself all of the marks if I get the question correct (apart from in stats)). I have also been working 25 hours a week (dropped down to 19 recently).

However, my family seems to think that I don’t do enough around the house, and I wake up at apparently silly times of the day (I wake up usually between 0800 and 0900 since I work till 2100 and I have been feeling emotionally drained). To be fair, I don't do much around the house, but I am an 18-year-old boy in my gap year studying myself A-level maths and working, until as of recently, 25 hours a week.

I have also not really been taking care of myself. I used to love running and playing football; however, now I just don't feel like I have the energy, and I would love to start doing it again, but since I feel so stressed and claustrophobic and I do not feel like it. Also, since I live in the middle of nowhere, the running clothes get very muddy and the washing in the house takes weeks (since no one wants to do it).

My girlfriend (who is 17) also is starting to annoy me. She complains that I am not emotionally available and that when she's with me she doesn't feel like I am ‘with her’. However, I don't really think she is considerate of my circumstances. I understand that I don't communicate with anyone particularly well but idc; I have refused therapy multiple times, partly because I don’t like talking about my feelings and also because I am slightly vain. She also tells me about how she was anxious about thinking about me when I was younger or something like that. And tbh I don't care, I have so many other bigger problems than that; so I am struggling right now to show that I care (I know that sounds slightly narcissistic, but I've had enough).

I have also recently received an offer from Bath to study chemical engineering and will hopefully receive one from Imperial to study BME. However, as I said, I am worried about whether I can achieve an A* in my current circumstances (I am almost certain I can acquire an A).

Lastly, I also sort of feel like I should have another gap year because I know very well that my Mum does not have long left and to be honest I need to chill. I also have never tried to get into Oxford/cambridge.

Please can I have some advice about what I should do to make my life more manageable and If I should say anything to my unis (they know a bit because of my reference)?

Reply 1

londonmyst

Mention your circumstances to all the unis that have made you offers.
Plus let them know if you are providing regular care support to your mother.

Carers First offer a https://www.carersfirst.org.uk/help-and-advice/topics/virtual-wellbeing-programme/virtual wellbeing programme to help manage stress and increase opportunities for self care.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by londonmyst

Okay, thank you

Reply 3

dontbeg

ik ur girlfriend wasnt the main focus of this buttt if u really love her u should also take ur time and listen to her in no way am i trying to criticize u or whatever here but oh gosh u really do not care about her like she cares about u she clearly is paying attention enough to notice ur not emotionally there anymore, probably because of the problems mentioned and if she notices maybe she can support. u seem a bit self reliant as well, maybe because of having to take care of ur mother (the fact u deny therapy because ur vain as well) which is not a bad thing but sometimes it can get real tough being independent constantly and probably is what led you to being 'lazy' or claustrophobic or any of those problems u listed, so if ur girlfriend is ur girlfriend let her support u otherwise and i truly mean this with no malice. Ur girlfriend should NOT be ur girlfriend and she is wasting her poor precious time.

Reply 4

Jakson123

I think you have too much on your plate to be in a relationship right now. You need to concentrate on yourself and be a bit selfish. I think you need to start running and or football again - and then you need to wash your own clothes on the days you don't work. If you want to do something maths related at uni then something to be aware is that they don't like a gap year as it's too easy to forget what you've learnt. Definitely let the unis know about your circumstances and talk to the exam department at your school as they may be able to get you special consideration marks. Good luck, you already have amazing results so be proud of yourself and make sure your school know your circumstances so they can support you as much as possible.