My mum can get so horrid when she’s mad and it really makes me hate myself.
For context, a few weeks ago my dad surprised with a new phone. I really panic with surprises (I’m autistic) so he let me use both phones for a while so that I could adjust easier without freaking out. The SIMS card is in the new phone so I can’t use data on the old phone and the information from the apps has transferred.
My mum and I went to catch the bus for a day out shopping and I took my old phone, completely forgetting that I couldn’t use my bus tickets on that phone and I only realised when I went to activate it.
But when I tried telling my mum I forgot and that I was really sorry and I could quickly run home and get my other phone as the next bus was in 10 minutes she grabbed my arm and dragged me onto a bus seat.
She started screaming and yelling in front of everyone, calling me a selfish b*tch and saying I just did it to make her life harder and that I’m just lazy and I don’t care.
Then suddenly at the next stop, she grabbed me and we got off the bus and she started screaming even more, mocking me and mimicking me, calling me a r*tard and a selfish cow and mocking me by saying “You’re so pathetic, now you’re going to cry like a f*cking baby, doesn’t feel good, does it?“
She proceeded to mimic my voice and say that I had issues and I needed mental help and that apparently I don’t deserve to have friends because according to her I don’t want to have fun. She said “You ruined everything, just like normal. What did I expect from a disappointment like you?”
Then she started screaming even louder and saying that I think that I don’t need to bother with revision (when I revise a lot and think it’s very important). She kept trying to get it in my head that “you think this” and “you think that” when I don’t think any of those things.
I kept trying not to cry and I never respond when she’s yelling because she just gets worse and more aggressive and I just couldn’t deal with that today. At one point I got so mad I couldn’t help myself and I just yelled really loudly to get it out and she yelled even louder, “Don’t you dare yell at me! You’re such a selfish immature brat! How the f*ck can you forget your phone?! I bet you’re lying to me! You’re so lucky they don’t let us slap kids these days or I would slap you so hard, then you’d start crying all over again.”
She started asking me why I was so angry (why did she think I was so angry????) and said “don’t you dare get mad at me, I haven’t done anything wrong. You should be mad at yourself. I’m so disappointed in you. You don’t care, do you? Do you! You don’t understand how upset I am.”
We eventually went out and she suddenly calmed down just like that. She acted like it never happened and that we were having a lovely day, definitely ignoring that I had tears and snot on my face because I couldn’t stop sniffing trying not to cry. I was on edge the entire time because she snaps just like that.
When we came home she said, “We had such a great day, sweetheart. It’s a shame you spoilt the first bit of the day and wasted my time but it’s alright.”
All she had to say about her yelling and saying harmful stuff to me was, “Sorry.” And she obviously didn’t mean it :/
Is there a way to tell your mum that she upsets you when she says stuff like that because I’ve tried before and she acted like a victim and said I was just being dramatic and got defensive and said “so you think all your problems are because of me, huh?!”
I keep thinking of what she said and what she thinks of me and I keep getting really dangerous thoughts about doing things to myself.
Was it ok for my mum to say the things she did? How can I stop being so sensitive? Is my mum toxic? She gets like this really easily.
I’m worried I’m just too sensitive because she’s done this since as long as I can remember and I’m sure other mums get like this too.
My mum and I went to catch the bus for a day out shopping and I took my old phone, completely forgetting that I couldn’t use my bus tickets on that phone and I only realised when I went to activate it.
But when I tried telling my mum I forgot and that I was really sorry and I could quickly run home and get my other phone as the next bus was in 10 minutes she grabbed my arm and dragged me onto a bus seat.
She started screaming and yelling in front of everyone, calling me a selfish b*tch and saying I just did it to make her life harder and that I’m just lazy and I don’t care.
Then suddenly at the next stop, she grabbed me and we got off the bus and she started screaming even more, mocking me and mimicking me, calling me a r*tard and a selfish cow and mocking me by saying “You’re so pathetic, now you’re going to cry like a f*cking baby, doesn’t feel good, does it?“
She proceeded to mimic my voice and say that I had issues and I needed mental help and that apparently I don’t deserve to have friends because according to her I don’t want to have fun. She said “You ruined everything, just like normal. What did I expect from a disappointment like you?”
Then she started screaming even louder and saying that I think that I don’t need to bother with revision (when I revise a lot and think it’s very important). She kept trying to get it in my head that “you think this” and “you think that” when I don’t think any of those things.
I kept trying not to cry and I never respond when she’s yelling because she just gets worse and more aggressive and I just couldn’t deal with that today. At one point I got so mad I couldn’t help myself and I just yelled really loudly to get it out and she yelled even louder, “Don’t you dare yell at me! You’re such a selfish immature brat! How the f*ck can you forget your phone?! I bet you’re lying to me! You’re so lucky they don’t let us slap kids these days or I would slap you so hard, then you’d start crying all over again.”
She started asking me why I was so angry (why did she think I was so angry????) and said “don’t you dare get mad at me, I haven’t done anything wrong. You should be mad at yourself. I’m so disappointed in you. You don’t care, do you? Do you! You don’t understand how upset I am.”
We eventually went out and she suddenly calmed down just like that. She acted like it never happened and that we were having a lovely day, definitely ignoring that I had tears and snot on my face because I couldn’t stop sniffing trying not to cry. I was on edge the entire time because she snaps just like that.
When we came home she said, “We had such a great day, sweetheart. It’s a shame you spoilt the first bit of the day and wasted my time but it’s alright.”
All she had to say about her yelling and saying harmful stuff to me was, “Sorry.” And she obviously didn’t mean it :/
Is there a way to tell your mum that she upsets you when she says stuff like that because I’ve tried before and she acted like a victim and said I was just being dramatic and got defensive and said “so you think all your problems are because of me, huh?!”
I keep thinking of what she said and what she thinks of me and I keep getting really dangerous thoughts about doing things to myself.
Was it ok for my mum to say the things she did? How can I stop being so sensitive? Is my mum toxic? She gets like this really easily.
I’m worried I’m just too sensitive because she’s done this since as long as I can remember and I’m sure other mums get like this too.
The sad truth is that, people won’t change unless they want to themselves.
I don’t have a good mother either and she has done similar things on occasions. A month ago, I was genuinely sobbing right in front of her for 6 hours on end and she just kept on being Satanic. You cried, well, that’s your fault — that’s what she would scream or say condescendingly, depends. People like this never see their flaws and can never accept that they are ever in the wrong. If you said you were ever sorry, they will use that as ammunition against you next time. I tend to think that it’s a mental health or brain issue, which is why I accept that these people can’t ever change themselves.
Funny thing is, I am 20 turning 21 soon. I used to hope my mother would change, but she never did and so I gave up on that hope. I’d advise that you don’t put all your hopes on that she would change. The sooner you accept she’s a bad person on her sum of parts, the sooner you can view her as insignificant most times. The sooner you will start to see your self as your own self and not her’s.
Similarly, you need to see and genuinely accept that your worth is not dependent on her, but on your own self. I think that when you grow up in this environment with this kind of person, you would always be inclined to put yourself down and trust the words of that person whether consciously or subconsciously. That’s a tricky bit, because the issues that a person like your mother caused can show up in your relationships with others and in your day-to-day lives.
Having said that, you can try talking to her about it. Just don’t expect change to happen. If she does change, then that’s good. You have been with her more than any of us, so realistically speaking, you’re the only one who knows what’s the best way to make her listen to you at least.
As a precaution, make sure you plan out what happens next just in case. People like this might lash out afterwards if they took it as a serious attack to their character, and if you continue to live with her afterwards, it might be prolonged (happened to me but your mum might be better than mine honestly, so don’t worry too much).
If you need a listening ear, call Samaritans (116 123 for England). They might take up to 30 minutes to answer, but they’re a good listening ear in my experience.
*I don't know of other helpful helplines, but here's the government's guidance for domestic abuse (https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help#get-help-and-support). You might want to take a read at it, if you'd like to.
Please take care of yourself and hang in there
I’m sorry that you have such a difficult mother.
I don’t have a good mother either and she has done similar things on occasions. A month ago, I was genuinely sobbing right in front of her for 6 hours on end and she just kept on being Satanic. You cried, well, that’s your fault — that’s what she would scream or say condescendingly, depends. People like this never see their flaws and can never accept that they are ever in the wrong. If you said you were ever sorry, they will use that as ammunition against you next time. I tend to think that it’s a mental health or brain issue, which is why I accept that these people can’t ever change themselves.
Funny thing is, I am 20 turning 21 soon. I used to hope my mother would change, but she never did and so I gave up on that hope. I’d advise that you don’t put all your hopes on that she would change. The sooner you accept she’s a bad person on her sum of parts, the sooner you can view her as insignificant most times. The sooner you will start to see your self as your own self and not her’s.
Similarly, you need to see and genuinely accept that your worth is not dependent on her, but on your own self. I think that when you grow up in this environment with this kind of person, you would always be inclined to put yourself down and trust the words of that person whether consciously or subconsciously. That’s a tricky bit, because the issues that a person like your mother caused can show up in your relationships with others and in your day-to-day lives.
Having said that, you can try talking to her about it. Just don’t expect change to happen. If she does change, then that’s good. You have been with her more than any of us, so realistically speaking, you’re the only one who knows what’s the best way to make her listen to you at least.
As a precaution, make sure you plan out what happens next just in case. People like this might lash out afterwards if they took it as a serious attack to their character, and if you continue to live with her afterwards, it might be prolonged (happened to me but your mum might be better than mine honestly, so don’t worry too much).
If you need a listening ear, call Samaritans (116 123 for England). They might take up to 30 minutes to answer, but they’re a good listening ear in my experience.
*I don't know of other helpful helplines, but here's the government's guidance for domestic abuse (https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help#get-help-and-support). You might want to take a read at it, if you'd like to.
Please take care of yourself and hang in there
I’m sorry that you have such a difficult mother.(edited 1 year ago)
You're not selfish or pathetic so please don't think you are. 
Your mom is completely toxic and is bad for your self esteem. Please don’t self harm…. I’m sorry you have a mom who verbally abuses you. This isn’t ok….
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