too insecure for a relationship

I'm not ugly girl but i'm not one of those girls who is a 10/10, photogenic with a pretty smile either.
I want to feel loved and be in a relationship but i'm just terrified of the thought that my future partner will compare me to others and regret being with me. Thats why i feel like it's not a good idea for me to be in a relationship as im constantly insecure but i have always been like that and i can't picture it ever training. Most of my insecurities can't be changed.
I actually found a guy attractive from a diff school and he's literally my type in terms of looks but I hate it how i could never be an option if the girls in my school are like gods. It just sucks.

Reply 1

Crazy Jamie

Careers Forum Helper

Alright, first just a quick note about insecurities like this. There is always someone more attractive than you. Always someone more successful. Always someone who has more money. Always someone better at a particular hobby or skill. Always someone who just seems to be doing better than you are in a similar situation. And it's all nonsense. Why? Because people are complicated and they have a lot going on. When you compare yourself to them you're comparing one, or at most two or three aspects of what is a very complex situation and life. All people carry these insecurities, and all people have things going in their lives that you cannot know about. For example, I have a friend who does the same job as me but is, on any reading, more successful. Easy to be jealous of him, right? Yes, except one thing I know (and not many people do) is that he's had back issues for a long time, and had to have an operation a few years ago which now means he can do very little exercise, and can't even pick up his kids a lot of the time. Would I take those back issues for his career success? No, I wouldn't. That's a simple example, but one that shows how futile it is to compare yourself to others, because you just cannot know the full picture. Those ultra attractive girls you're talking about? You have no idea what issues they're dealing with. All you can know and control is yourself.

Now, even knowing that can't stop insecurities. I know it isn't that simple. And I know your question is slightly different anyway. It's about your insecurity about how your prospective boyfriend will view other girls. And I get that. So let me help with a guy's perspective. I've been with my wife for a long time now. When we were younger I cannot express in words how far out of my league she was in terms of looks. Now we're in our late 30s, and obviously we both look older, because we are. And of course I see other women and are attracted to them. You don't stop being attracted to other people just because you're in a relationship, even when you have been for twenty years or more. Same applies to her. She's obviously going to find other guys attractive, and that's fine. But there are two points to bear in mind. First, when you are in a relationship with someone, physical attraction very quickly stops being one of the main reasons you are with them, and stops being a main reason you are attracted to them. You need it, but it's not the reason you stay. Even when I see other women who are very attractive, I wouldn't dream of leaving my wife for one of them. Because, bluntly, they cannot compete with my wife, the woman who has knows me better than anyone, who I know better than anyone, who has grown with me, made me a better person, and who has built a wonderful, happy life with me. It doesn't matter who you are or how attractive you are; you can't compete with that. So for all of my wife's insecurities (and she absolutely has them), what I might do does not need to be one of them. And we have been together for a long time, but it doesn't take long for that to be the case in a happy relationship.

Second, and this is related, but even if you're in the early stages of a relationship and are still getting to know each other, the reality is that your boyfriend has made an active choice to be in a relationship with you. Your insecurities suggest that you could get with someone, and then a few days later they could see someone attractive and just wander over and kiss them. That's not how it works. Guys have plenty of the same insecurities, but the majority of people focus on a relationship once they're in it. Unless they give you a good reason not to, when someone decides to be in a relationship with them, you should trust that that is the decision they've made, and take comfort in that. Your boyfriend is always going to find other women attractive, but he's chosen to be with you.

Now obviously most relationships don't work out. The chances of your first relationship being 'the one' is infinitely small. And some people cheat. Some people are inconsiderate. Some people are immature. Some people just aren't very nice. Relationships can be bad as well as good. It's all part of the hazard of it, but the reason people do it is because when you find the right one, there is really nothing like it, and it can enrich your life in ways that nothing else can. In fact, finding the right boyfriend should really help you with those insecurities. Probably won't be able to make them go away. As I say, we all have them. But it can help. And you say you can't change your insecurities, but that's isn't true either. You're young right now, and the teenage years are very much years of rampant insecurity. That's normal. But as you grow, mature and find out who you are as a person, there is every chance that you will become more confident, and that those insecurities will bother you less. That is absolutely realistic. So by all means, if you're too insecure for a relationship right now that's fine. Don't rush it. But actually there's a lot to be said for taking a chance. Even if things don't work out (and in school, they rarely do long term), you'll learn a lot about yourself and others from the experience.