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trying to be nice to my ex boyfriend.

Sorry, this is so long!

My ex and I broke up over summer after a ten month relationship. We had a lovely time, but it wasn't what either of us wanted. We had a friends with benefits sort of relationship afterwards for three months. During that time, he became friends with a married woman from the US who has lovers on the side, one of which was my ex's best friend. He went to visit this woman in september, and as I was pretty sure something was occuring between them I asked him a few times if that was the case, and explained it would be fine by me but I wanted to know. I guess that could be seen as nagging, but he knew I had feelings for him and it'd bother me if I found out from someone else or whatever. I will add now that the guy has pretty bad depression, he withdraws from his friends often and will sit alone drinking for days on end.

After he came back, I was a bit wary around him, and everytime we saw each other he'd burst into tears, we carried on sleeping together but it didn't feel right so we would argue. We tried a friendship and it was so awkward and hostile (from his side) I did everything I could to try and restore some normality. I assumed it was because my feelings for him were making things weird. I told him I was seeing someone else and that I didn't feel the same way about him anymore. That seemed to make things more strange, he completely stopped speaking to me, unless I spoke to him first. I've had a harsh time recently, my grandma has been really ill, and I've been in hospital with kidney problems so I met up with him to talk about stuff and ended up crying, and having to stay over at his. I maintained that I didn't want anything with him, and he told me that in actual fact he does have some feelings for this woman, and she would be coming over to stay and they would be having sex. He added straight after that he still had feelings for me, which will probably never go away. I think this was probably to ease the pain a little.

I told him I'd be there for him after getting a little upset over it, and we met up for a night out together in a club we used to go to when we were together/seeing each other. He's depressed, and I can understand totally that sometimes he isn't going to be himself but he basically was a statue the entire night, his friends didn't speak to me at all, which is so unusual and I kept saying I was leaving, but he was sat not talking to anyone and I couldn't bring myself to leave him like that. I was trying everything to make conversation and at one point just said, "I'm not in love with you. I haven't been for a while, but I love you in a different way now and I just want things to be normal" He just sat there with his head down and looked like he was about to cry. We ended up leaving together and having a big shouty argument in the streets about nothing, he then told me he wanted to drown himself and I cried, so he took me home and stayed with me.

This just broke me completely so a few days later I sent him a text saying that I couldn't see him anymore, and wished him good luck and told him how much I care, to which he replied "Right..." a week later he texted me asking me if I wanted one earring which he found at his house, and a few days after a pair of my pants. I just texted him back saying that I appreciated him asking me, but I didn't feel I was missing anything important and merry christmas and that. I got no reply.

I had a panic attack boxing day and it messed me up, so I texted him and told him that I was having the worst time and I just felt like I didn't want to wake up anymore, which he replied with telling me I couldn't just say things if I didn't want to hear from him again. he asked me if I wanted to be friends and I said no, we don't make each other happy, I just wanted to know someone understood. No reply again. Yesterday I felt bad, so I texted him saying sorry and that I care but if we see each other then we'll argue and I'd like to think that we could just be there for each other. To that, he said that I can't pull him back at my own convenience and I explained that I thought he'd be happy to not see me again, and that I want the best for him. He asked me if I want to be friends with him again, and I said yes, but I don't want to know or to be involved with your personal life, and likewise with mine, It can be distant, just talk about music, films and things.

I can't be friends with him, I don't want to see him or hear about him with this woman. I don't particularly want to have to tell him about new boyfriends either. We argue, and he cries and I can't cope with it. He obviously has no feelings for me and surely it would be easier for him to remain distant and to not act all hurt and bitter whenever he sees me. I'm at my wits end. Can anyone shed any light on this confusing man?

Reply 1

Lucia.

Hm he obviously likes you and is looking for an excuse to see you again. You're not into him so just cut contact before he gets more hurt.

Reply 2

ilem

Sounds like you're both still into each other and unwilling to let go.

Reply 3

Forum User

Original post by Anonymous

He obviously has no feelings for me

Weird, I got the exact opposite impression from reading that post. It seems incredibly obvious to me that he still likes you and that he is getting hurt by the constant contact. If you don't like him like that maybe you should leave him alone for a while?