Just wanted to get this out of my head

Well me and my bf split (before anyone asks it was my fault, and always has been) and well he really really hates me and doesnt give me a chance to talk to him properly..

Its just that there are so many things I want to say to him, except at the rate this is going, I dont think I will get a chance, and my heart has become so restless, I just need to get this out in the open...

He clearly doesnt want me in his life anymore, and has told me to **** off many times now.. He has called me Smeagol, told me that everything about me repulsed him, these past few months he has had no feelings towards me whatsoever, he isnt attracted to me in any sense (and it goes on...)

I can take all that but the part that really hurts is the fact he called the card I wrote him a load of b*******

So in a way he rejected my love and feelings towards him... But losing him has really opened my eyes and Ive seen how stupid Ive been:

1. I realized I wasnt worthy of him, that something was wrong with the way I was thinking, and I told him to leave me till I sorted myself out because I couldnt continue this way, but he refused to do so, and said he wanted to help me too.

2. Many people I know, even very close mates, you asked me “doesnt your bf do [something] for you?” “what did your bf get you for [something]?” “when was the last time your bf did [something]?”
And well it did upset me a bit, and thought that maybe there was something missing and some of my friends told me to ask him myself, and I used to, and it would end up as a massive argument, the worst part was that I even convinced myself that the things my mates suggested were things I wanted, but to be honest I didnt... I was just influenced wrongly and was so blinded by everything, and it made me seem greedy.

3. The reason his comment about the card hurt me so much is because of something I never got the chance to tell him. I was too embarrassed to. There were these moments where I used to spend hours, doing absolutely nothing, but just think of him. There was no influence of my mind or people around me, it was just purely my heart. It would make me smile a lot, and I would just think about everything I loved about him and how much I appreciated him. (Its a shame I could never show him all this) And well in one of those moments I wrote that card to him, and he didnt believe it, and it hurt me so badly. Well I guess you cant blame him as I never really let my heart make my decisions, only my mind which had this flawed logic.

4. My mind and my heart always told me to do different things. My heart wanted me to tell him that I was glad he was here, I want him to stay longer, but instead of doing that I would just tell him to keep an eye on time and no be late. I always felt everything from my heart were guilty pleasures and wrong. And the biggest mistake was to listen to my mind which was also in the wrong way of thinking.

5. I have always been a coward, taking the easy way out, being selfish. My mind always told me that he wasnt happy with me, and I wasnt treating him right and well that I should leave before I got hurt. Problem is: it would just be more painful for the both of us. I was afraid of loving someone too much that I wouldnt be able to let them go, and I have realized, thats what I have done. However, I deserve everything thats happened and I cant ask for anything more from him. Ive never felt this way about anyone before, and sadly I only realized this after Ive lost him for good.

6. I know I cant make him love me, cant make him forgive me, cant make him take me back. All I want is a chance to see him again to show him Ive changed and how wrong Ive been. I still want him in my life, even if its just as acquaintances.

I am quite content with my life, Im not constantly planning things or wanting unrealistic things, just being happy with what Ive got, appreciating all the little things. Ive improved my health and Im eating much more healthier now (strangely lost 4kgs) Ive cut my hair professionally (always did it myself so I thought I would go have a change) and well Ive started enjoying my time at home and getting along with my parents really well. Its quite nice that my mind and heart are almost in unison now (okay with a few disagreements here and there)

I still love him, but I guess with time I can sort that out myself. Even so I miss him a lot, I must thank him as I wouldnt have seen how blind I was till now. Losing someone as precious as him was really painful, but his has brought big positive changes in my life. (and these changes arent for a couple of days or weeks, but for my lifetime)

tl;dr I did not cheat... I just kept asking him for so much, did not show him how much I appreciated him and push him away to the point where he completely resents me. Didnt listen to my heart.

Well me and my bf split (before anyone asks it was my fault, and always has been) and well he really really hates me and doesnt give me a chance to talk to him properly..

Its just that there are so many things I want to say to him, except at the rate this is going, I dont think I will get a chance, and my heart has become so restless, I just need to get this out in the open...

He clearly doesnt want me in his life anymore, and has told me to **** off many times now.. He has called me Smeagol, told me that everything about me repulsed him, these past few months he has had no feelings towards me whatsoever, he isnt attracted to me in any sense (and it goes on...)
Interesting, I recall you telling me numerous times in the past to "**** off, don't talk to me ever again" over some really petty issues.

I can take all that but the part that really hurts is the fact he called the card I wrote him a load of b*******
Reason being, what was written in the card WAS a lie. You contradicted yourself before the day I opened it on so many points. You mentioned things which you completely didn't show any affection towards. How many times did you mention other guys names? Constantly bringing up your ex/ex friend with benefits? The whole scenario was mind games. If I didn't reply you would mention some guys names, or tell me i'm never there for you. The one time where I couldn't' be there for you because your phone didn't receive my texts you told me you wouldn't ever trouble me with your issues again because I'm never there for you.... when it was once. You just want attention, from anywhere and anyone. Literally anyone and anywhere. You want to make people feel jealous, and make people feel insecure.

So in a way he rejected my love and feelings towards him... But losing him has really opened my eyes and Ive seen how stupid Ive been:

1. I realized I wasnt worthy of him, that something was wrong with the way I was thinking, and I told him to leave me till I sorted myself out because I couldnt continue this way, but he refused to do so, and said he wanted to help me too.

2. Many people I know, even very close mates, you asked me “doesnt your bf do [something] for you?” “what did your bf get you for [something]?” “when was the last time your bf did [something]?”
And well it did upset me a bit, and thought that maybe there was something missing and some of my friends told me to ask him myself, and I used to, and it would end up as a massive argument, the worst part was that I even convinced myself that the things my mates suggested were things I wanted, but to be honest I didnt... I was just influenced wrongly and was so blinded by everything, and it made me seem greedy.
Told you this numerous times

3. The reason his comment about the card hurt me so much is because of something I never got the chance to tell him. I was too embarrassed to. There were these moments where I used to spend hours, doing absolutely nothing, but just think of him. There was no influence of my mind or people around me, it was just purely my heart. It would make me smile a lot, and I would just think about everything I loved about him and how much I appreciated him. (Its a shame I could never show him all this) And well in one of those moments I wrote that card to him, and he didnt believe it, and it hurt me so badly. Well I guess you cant blame him as I never really let my heart make my decisions, only my mind which had this flawed logic.

4. My mind and my heart always told me to do different things. My heart wanted me to tell him that I was glad he was here, I want him to stay longer, but instead of doing that I would just tell him to keep an eye on time and no be late. I always felt everything from my heart were guilty pleasures and wrong. And the biggest mistake was to listen to my mind which was also in the wrong way of thinking.

5. I have always been a coward, taking the easy way out, being selfish. My mind always told me that he wasnt happy with me, and I wasnt treating him right and well that I should leave before I got hurt. Problem is: it would just be more painful for the both of us. I was afraid of loving someone too much that I wouldnt be able to let them go, and I have realized, thats what I have done. However, I deserve everything thats happened and I cant ask for anything more from him. Ive never felt this way about anyone before, and sadly I only realized this after Ive lost him for good.
Yes, you are a coward. Remember the times when you'd tell me you're crying because you could hear someone yelling/maybe being slapped downstairs? Or the time when you went suicidal yet again and wanted to join a mental asylum?

6. I know I cant make him love me, cant make him forgive me, cant make him take me back. All I want is a chance to see him again to show him Ive changed and how wrong Ive been. I still want him in my life, even if its just as acquaintances.
No thank you, I know I may sound like an absolute dickhead, but I honestly do not want anything to do with you. The constant checking up on you to make sure you're not doing anything silly, the constant messaging to make sure you're doing the right thing.

I am quite content with my life, Im not constantly planning things or wanting unrealistic things, just being happy with what Ive got, appreciating all the little things. Ive improved my health and Im eating much more healthier now (strangely lost 4kgs) Ive cut my hair professionally (always did it myself so I thought I would go have a change) and well Ive started enjoying my time at home and getting along with my parents really well. Its quite nice that my mind and heart are almost in unison now (okay with a few disagreements here and there)
I think I told you for a year to get your hair done professionally to stop your constant resentment and moaning about it, glad to see you've finally done it. Hope you don't want to [not going to say] your dad anymore Remember that? When you told me you were going to [not going to say] him? Another one of many times where I was sick with fear and didn't know if I should call the police/your father?

I still love him, but I guess with time I can sort that out myself. Even so I miss him a lot, I must thank him as I wouldnt have seen how blind I was till now. Losing someone as precious as him was really painful, but his has brought big positive changes in my life. (and these changes arent for a couple of days or weeks, but for my lifetime)
move on, I am glad I can finally give this all a break. The amount of stress at times where I would not know if you were harming yourself made me sick of nervousness numerous times.

tl;dr I did not cheat... I just kept asking him for so much, did not show him how much I appreciated him and push him away to the point where he completely resents me. Didnt listen to my heart.

That was me by the way, sorry for posting as anon.

Its all fine now

Im sorry about yesterday... I was just in a mess...

I know what I have to do, and whenever I do think of you, I will remember all the beautiful moments you gave to me...

Thank you for being a part of my life.