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Found message from boyfriend to another girl

So my boyfriend has been "online friends" with this girl for about 6 years. Before Christmas they started talking again (their contact tends to be intermittent) and he admitted to me that they talked "as if they were both single", that he called her gorgeous, etc. I never saw the messages, at the time I thought he was just being a bit over friendly rather than out and out hitting on her, so I asked him to stop talking to her in that way. He said he was getting sick of her and was going to stop talking to her full stop.

A few weeks ago, I found a recent facebook message from him to her. It told her that he thought she was really hot and asked if what they had was more than friendship, and if there was a physical side to their relationship. She lives in America so I know they haven't ACTUALLY done anything, but the fact that he seemed to be so blatantly pursuing her really, really hurt. He's deleted her, they're not talking and he claims that he was just curious about the nature of their relationship rather than wanting it to go anywhere, but if I'm honest, I don't really believe him.

So now I'm stuck. He's a good guy and I don't want to overreact, but I don't know how to get over this feeling of betrayal. I feel like I can't really believe anything he says and it makes me wonder the extent of what else he's been doing. He told me he was a bit flirty at his work's Christmas party, and I assumed he meant in a "hey, you look good tonight" sort of way, but if THIS is how far his flirting goes, I'm starting to wonder if it might have been more than that. He's definitely really sorry, so how do I forgive him and trust him again, and stop torturing myself with all these thoughts?

Reply 1

username616640

I think because it's online, he can hide behind a screen and act differently to how he would have if he met her in person. He probably doesn't even realize he crossed that boundary because it's only over the computer. I think it's better that he deleted her though, because it saves you worrying about the messages getting any 'further'.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by superxo2

No, he definitely knows he crossed a line, and from what he's said I'm pretty sure he knew that as he was doing it too. He does feel bad about it though, and I guess the thing is, I don't want to "punish" him by being upset about it all the time, but I also don't really know how to put it out of my mind?

Reply 3

CharlieEmma

Its not fair that he expects you to put up with it. I think, as much as it hurts, you need to face him about it and be blunt with him. It's not fair to be in a relationship where there's another person interfering, and especially if its your boyfriend who's pursuing it. You need to be strong and remember what's best for you. If he's seriously interested in this girl then tell him that your not going to be one of two girls, you should be the only one. If you don't ask him and face him about it, hell see it as okay to talk to other girls in that manner and he might find other girls or other ways of hurting you.

Stand up and face him, its sad and it hurts to feel deceived by someone you love but don't stand for it. Ask him, maybe he is just being a little too over-friendly unintentionally, or maybe its a lie. Maybe ask him to show you the messages? Keep your chin up! You have the rest of your life, so live to be happy :smile: