Shes got a kid, its not working out. Help.

Got with my current girlfriend around December. I live in Notts where i go Uni, shes in Birmingham at her parents house where shes a stay at home mom.

3 days of the week shes free as the baby is at the fathers, so i get to go birmingham and chill with her for the day and catch last train back as i got nowhere to stay. But now i asked her to come to me in Notts where we will have more privacy (hint hint) and stay the night. In fact i've asked her loads of times and the answer is 'if anything should come up with the baby, an emergency, i wouln't be able to get back, so i can't come'.

Am i being unfair for being pissed off and wanting to end it? Am i being selfish? What to do, what to do...

Reply 1

member64211

11

See if she can ask her parents if they can respond to emergencies so she can come to yours sometimes?

Reply 2

Horakhty

Lol well a baby's needs come first but I see your point.

Have you actually told her this?

Reply 3

gman2k8

OP

Original post by CompactDestruction

See if she can ask her parents if they can respond to emergencies so she can come to yours sometimes?

Thats what i tell her. But she hits me with the 'thats my son' angle. Asif she's the only one who would need be there should something come up.

Reply 4

beccagood95

20

Well she's a mum, you can't stop her from worrying about her child. She doesn't have to be there in an emergency, but she'll want to be. Maternal instinct. It will be hard for you to understand, so you need to talk to her about it, but if it's still the same way, maybe you should break it off. Then she can find someone understanding of her situation and lifestyle, and you can find someone more suited to your life.

Reply 5

gman2k8

OP

Original post by Horakhty

Lol well a baby's needs come first but I see your point.

Have you actually told her this?

Ye, loads of times. Had a big argument yesterday bout it. And i'm not fussed that the baby comes first, its understandable, but she spends 2-3 nights without the baby anyway and nothing happens so why can't she come mine for a night? I think she feels she would be rolling the dice should something happen.

Reply 6

Horakhty

Original post by gman2k8

Ye, loads of times. Had a big argument yesterday bout it. And i'm not fussed that the baby comes first, its understandable, but she spends 2-3 nights without the baby anyway and nothing happens so why can't she come mine for a night? I think she feels she would be rolling the dice should something happen.

Perhaps then it is a bigger issue of her not wanting to commit yet to a physical relationship, and using the baby as an excuse.

Reply 7

Clickers

17

Do not mess with a woman with a baby. Find another fish.

Reply 8

gman2k8

OP

Original post by beccagood95

maybe you should break it off. Then she can find someone understanding of her situation and lifestyle, and you can find someone more suited to your life.

Thats looking the most likely solution.

Reply 9

gman2k8

OP

Original post by sharp910sh

Do not mess with a woman with a baby. Find another fish.

Trust me, when we argued yesterday she made it out as if i was telling her not to be there for her son. She went all possesed on me. Its just generaly annoying. Cos our sexual relationship is suffering.

Reply 10

Clickers

17

Original post by gman2k8

Trust me, when we argued yesterday she made it out as if i was telling her not to be there for her son. She went all possesed on me. Its just generaly annoying. Cos our sexual relationship is suffering.

Why waste your time with this woman? You are no the kids father. Find a woman who does not have a kid.

Reply 11

gman2k8

OP

Original post by sharp910sh

Why waste your time with this woman? You are no the kids father. Find a woman who does not have a kid.

I genuinely like her... Known her 5 years before we got together.

Reply 12

canadamoose

5

If she is properly trusting the father with the baby, then she needs to have a life outside of her child. Assuming that the father is responsible enough to take care of the baby, the mother should have little concern in the case of an emergency, as the father should be able to handle it. If this is the case and the father is trustworthy, I understand where OP is coming from - becoming a parent doesn't mean that life everywhere else can stop.

But here's the thing OP - you got involved with a woman who has a child. Her first priority is the child, and if she is even slightly uncomfortable leaving her child in a different city, she will not leave that city. I'm not condoning this, as when she is not in charge of watching the baby, she should go out and do things for herself. However, she is just being what she considers to be the best mum she can be. You can't fault her for that.

If you are considering breaking up with her over this, it is understandable. You can't blame her for the fall in the relationship, but it is reasonable to say that it isn't working out for this reason. It's not fair that you always have to travel to be with her, when she cannot/will not travel to see you.

Also, please keep in mind that even though she has a baby and has clearly had sex, maybe she isn't ready for that sort of relationship again. Depending on how old she is, she may have realised what trouble sex got her into last time. Obviously this may not be the case, but I've found that whenever my friends have gotten pregnant and had kids (keep in mind we're 21+), they haven't wanted to risk having sex again until they are in extremely stable relationships.

Just my two cents, good luck!

Reply 13

Mark85

16

Original post by gman2k8

Got with my current girlfriend around December. I live in Notts where i go Uni, shes in Birmingham at her parents house where shes a stay at home mom.

3 days of the week shes free as the baby is at the fathers, so i get to go birmingham and chill with her for the day and catch last train back as i got nowhere to stay. But now i asked her to come to me in Notts where we will have more privacy (hint hint) and stay the night. In fact i've asked her loads of times and the answer is 'if anything should come up with the baby, an emergency, i wouln't be able to get back, so i can't come'.

Am i being unfair for being pissed off and wanting to end it? Am i being selfish? What to do, what to do...

I would say that it is a bit unfair to be pissed off but it isn't unfair to not like the situation and want to end it.

It is only a baby - it makes perfect sense that she doesn't feel uncomfortable being too far away at the current time.

That said, it makes sense from your end that you're not happy that she can't come to you and (presumably) you can't stay there.

I would see it more as an incompatibility and if you can't be happy with how things are - maybe it is better you finish it.

Reply 14

gman2k8

OP

Original post by canadamoose

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Original post by Mark85

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Two spot on analysis. Thanks. Seems this relationship was doomed for failiure from the beginning. And you guys are saying its neither of our faults really. Ending it seems the best option. But is there a work around you could suggest so we don't have to end it?

Reply 15

Clickers

17

Original post by gman2k8

Two spot on analysis. Thanks. Seems this relationship was doomed for failiure from the beginning. And you guys are saying its neither of our faults really. Ending it seems the best option. But is there a work around you could suggest so we don't have to end it?

Just end it. the kid isnt going to go away. DO you want to give your hard earned money to this woman?

Reply 16

gman2k8

OP

Original post by sharp910sh

Just end it. the kid isnt going to go away. DO you want to give your hard earned money to this woman?

You say it as if ending it is an easy decision. I dunno where the money angle is coming from, but that ain't important right now.

Reply 17

canadamoose

5

Original post by gman2k8

Two spot on analysis. Thanks. Seems this relationship was doomed for failiure from the beginning. And you guys are saying its neither of our faults really. Ending it seems the best option. But is there a work around you could suggest so we don't have to end it?

In this particular case, it's not anybody's fault. It's entirely a conflict of interest - her first priority has to be her child, whereas you'd rather it be you. When you're in a relationship, it's important to make your significant other a top priority, but because of her situation, she cannot make you as important in her life as you need.

If you don't want to end it, then you have to deal with the fact that she will not come see you in Nottingham. You'll be the one putting in all the effort to travel. My suggestion is that if funds allow for it, get a cheap hotel or hostel room in Birmingham for the day/night. If she says no to that, then you know she just isn't ready for sex with you, and you need to either wait it out or move on without her. If you don't have the money for that, use a mutual friend's house if you can. I don't know how old you guys are, but I'm assuming that you're old enough not to live with parents, she just does because it allows her to be a better parent to her child. Use whatever resources you can to have an intimate relationship.

But honestly, I'd reconsider the whole thing. It's ****ty being in a relationship where one person is putting in more effort than the other, and as great as your girlfriend may be, she can't give you the attention and effort that you deserve.