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A woman I had a flirt with ruined my later job application - love-hate or jealousy?

Back story:

I had a romantic encounter/ flirt with a woman who's married with kids, who probably at first just wanted to have some fun but quickly realized that she's in love. We parted ways but not without drama.

5 months later..


I apply for a job to her former colleague/employee, who had every intention to hire me. Even asked me to get in touch with her after the meeting at the work place.

The tables turned however as soon her former boss (my past flirt) got word of this.

Not only did she temporarily ghost my follow up attempts, she also stalled my application way over time until finally giving me a no. Did not reply to any comments in the emails either.

It was obvious from the get-to that my past flirt shut her down (they are also friends).

I know my past flirt got involved because it was told to me "going to talk to my former boss about this"

That was a complete reversal from the super nice woman I met in the store. Who did not think her past boss/friend would obstruct.

Now my past flirt was in love with me, and I went back to confront her about this... 5 months since I last saw her

Guess what happens. She lights up when seeing my face, then goes into lockdown mode when I ask to talk to her. Then messages me that we can stay in touch.. I reply forget it (after what she did), but added that I do care about her and was thinking how she's doing. She does not reply to that...

Does this former flirt of mine have an ambivalent love/hate relationship towards me or does this sound more like jealousy? I'm shocked that she would do this to me.

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It's not surprising that the potential employer is loyal to her friend and not you.

Don't waste time second guessing everyone's motivations or mindset and move out of that circle of people. If you already have, great.
Reply 2
How much of a red flag is my flirts behavior if we get in touch again?

Is she sickly controlling or is this past and parcel of love? Nothing to wrote home about?

It seems a bit extreme that her friend isn't even allowed to communicate with me.
Why would you be getting in touch with them again?

What evidence do you have that they spoke about your application?
Reply 4
Her friend wrote in the reply that it pertained to the job. Very formal and dry.

I used to work for my flirt, even though we had more of a romantic relationship than working one, to say the least. She never felt like my boss and she didn't talk to me like one.

Anyway I love My flirt so I don't rule her out when she gets a divorce (it's a matter of when, not if). She was jealous at work too. Her feelings are strong.

But maybe this episode is it for us? Would you be surprised if we patch things up?

The thing that annoys me is that I might be taken once she finally breaks free of her marriage.. i would prefer, if we get together, that it happens within 6 months from now. That's what buggs me
Reply 5
Original post by Admit-One
Why would you be getting in touch with them again?

What evidence do you have that they spoke about your application?

If I go my logical, statistical side of the brain, then she's an electric by passer that I got romantically intertwined with. she has small kids, otherwise her platonic husband is out the windows 6 months ago.

If I go to my heart and gut, then she's the one.
It's why to keep work & personal separate. Sure that is not always easily done but you need to accept the random consequences of not doing so and move on. If she has a husband & small kids then leave them well alone. Don't make the kids suffer a broken family by your hanging around. Chances are you will see another pretty but single girl around soon. The way you end it suggests to me that you intend to pick this up at some point again, I would say just leave it and let the kids have their family growing up, their father and their mother together.
Most of the time cheating spouses don't divorce their partner unless the partner finds out. She has you dangling on a string and also sabotaged your application so I can't fathom why you would want to remain involved with her and on good terms. She's a huge red flag and has already manipulated you career-wise. Also, even if she were to get a divorce and get with you, she's cheated with you so could easily cheat on you.
(edited 5 months ago)
Reply 8
Original post by Sorcerer of Old
Most of the time cheating spouses don't divorce their partner unless the partner finds out. She has you dangling on a string and also sabotaged your application so I can't fathom why you would want to remain involved with her and on good terms. She's a huge red flag and has already manipulated you career-wise. Also, even if she were to get a divorce and get with you, she's cheated with you so could easily cheat on you.

I can also die tommorow. Let's live in the moment shall we? And this is not a normal connection. It's magical. I'm talking soulmate level.

Also, she has been with her man since she was a late teen, and she's 34... Something really happened here. she doesn't love him anymore. Doesn't want to mention him to anyone, hides her martial status to him om Facebook (he doesn't om hus). Someone close to her told me she changed after getting kids. She is not the person I described according to him....so she fell in love with me.
^ Ngl, sounds like you’re completely blinded and not much point for the thread when you’ve already made your mind up.
Reply 10
Original post by Sorcerer of Old
^ Ngl, sounds like you’re completely blinded and not much point for the thread when you’ve already made your mind up.

I can take my own moral decisions. But answer this ,why would she behave possessive and jealous if she isn't crazy about me, literally.

Now Imagine having sex with that person.
Original post by Anonymous #1
I can take my own moral decisions. But answer this ,why would she behave possessive and jealous if she isn't crazy about me, literally.

Now Imagine having sex with that person.

We must have very different tastes because I would personally never have sex with a cheater or remain in contact with someone who sabotaged my work application.
Reply 12
She sabotaged it most likely because she's a manager on the company and doesn't to make it public to THE company that she left her husband for an other employer there.. there's shame involved in that. She has two small kids. Word gets around quick.

If you had to make a bet.. Will she leave her loveless marriage for me? She has had emotionally outbreaks when we were to be separated and took a random vaccation instead of spending the last two weeks with me. I know my departure caused since they talked about it ..
Reply 13
Original post by Sorcerer of Old
We must have very different tastes because I would personally never have sex with a cheater or remain in contact with someone who sabotaged my work application.

But don't you get it that she sabotaged it because of strings attached to a manager?
Original post by Anonymous #1
I can also die tommorow. Let's live in the moment shall we? And this is not a normal connection. It's magical. I'm talking soulmate level.

Also, she has been with her man since she was a late teen, and she's 34... Something really happened here. she doesn't love him anymore. Doesn't want to mention him to anyone, hides her martial status to him om Facebook (he doesn't om hus). Someone close to her told me she changed after getting kids. She is not the person I described according to him....so she fell in love with me.

I think you are trying to justify this. She of course will say all of that to get with another guy. I agree with Sorcerer of Old, if she cheats on one guy she will do again. She will give the same looks of affection, eye flirting and agreeableness to the next guy after you.

The last thing that Marriage needs is you swimming around. Go find a single girl who you are attracted too, there are loads out there. Once you move on from one girl, another will pop up without having to wait too long.

What about the kids in all of this? It's not all about you, her and her husband. I am grateful for having a childhood without some geezer sniffing around causing upset, distress and breaking my family up. She made her choice and for the kids sake should stick by it and not put herself first.

Then of course there is the husband, if it comes out that you have been messing around who's to say that he won't be out to beat you black & blue. After all you are p*ssing on his life here. If he sees that as screwing his life up then he could be likely to come after you as after all in that case he may see it as him having nothing to lose and feel much antagonism towards you.

I would just put this out of your mind, the ins and the outs and move on. Do something decent and let the kids have a nice childhood. After all if you were the husband how would you feel about some other guy moving onto your turf.
Reply 15
Original post by Anonymous #1
Her friend wrote in the reply that it pertained to the job. Very formal and dry.

I used to work for my flirt, even though we had more of a romantic relationship than working one, to say the least. She never felt like my boss and she didn't talk to me like one.

Anyway I love My flirt so I don't rule her out when she gets a divorce (it's a matter of when, not if). She was jealous at work too. Her feelings are strong.

But maybe this episode is it for us? Would you be surprised if we patch things up?

The thing that annoys me is that I might be taken once she finally breaks free of her marriage.. i would prefer, if we get together, that it happens within 6 months from now. That's what buggs me

So there's this possessive, jealous, controlling woman.

She doesn't love her husband, but is still married to him.

You love her, but aren't prepared to wait for her to become available and will quite happily find a girlfriend in the meantime.

How is any of that the basis for a relationship, between you and her, or you and anyone else?
Reply 16
This is why there is pitfalls in mixing work and romance as well as just deserts for home wrecking ways
Reply 17
Original post by Katerina S.
I think you are trying to justify this. She of course will say all of that to get with another guy. I agree with Sorcerer of Old, if she cheats on one guy she will do again. She will give the same looks of affection, eye flirting and agreeableness to the next guy after you.

The last thing that Marriage needs is you swimming around. Go find a single girl who you are attracted too, there are loads out there. Once you move on from one girl, another will pop up without having to wait too long.

What about the kids in all of this? It's not all about you, her and her husband. I am grateful for having a childhood without some geezer sniffing around causing upset, distress and breaking my family up. She made her choice and for the kids sake should stick by it and not put herself first.

Then of course there is the husband, if it comes out that you have been messing around who's to say that he won't be out to beat you black & blue. After all you are p*ssing on his life here. If he sees that as screwing his life up then he could be likely to come after you as after all in that case he may see it as him having nothing to lose and feel much antagonism towards you.

I would just put this out of your mind, the ins and the outs and move on. Do something decent and let the kids have a nice childhood. After all if you were the husband how would you feel about some other guy moving onto your turf.

Her marriage is over and she is unhappy. If she is unhappy with me, I want out. Women only cheat when they are unhappy. It's a non issue.

I think she views me as her soulmate that arrived late. She has sighed and rubbed her forhead over the fact that she has two small kids.

now that's a real spit in the face to her husband, but I think she genuinely views me as her big love, it's not even meant as a dig to him.

Is the verdict in after a mere 5 months with kids ages 2 and 4? You really think it's over for sure despite this recent episode? Why does she care then?
Reply 18
Original post by Zarek
This is why there is pitfalls in mixing work and romance as well as just deserts for home wrecking ways

You can't shop love. It either happens or it doesn't, anywhere.
Reply 19
Original post by Katerina S.
She made her choice to get married to her husband and she made her choice to have kids. She needs to face up to the responsibility of making those choices.

If someone always wants to be where happiness is they will move on as soon as they are no longer getting that happiness. That will happen time and again as she gets bored with the guy she is with.

Think, do you really want to be adopting someone else's family? Two kids doesn't often leave want to have more. Why not find a woman you can have your own family with? Better than some messy, awful situation being caused with someone else's kids knocking around, husband visitation issues, or angry ex-husband after your blood.

She can make all the excuses under the sun to have things the way she would like, but in the end a selfish decision to suit her or you won't do any good. Think of how upset the children may be when fallout from your involvement all goes down. Do them all a favour, stop sniffing around and seeking justification for involving yourself and leave them well alone.

Because she and I have magic when the eyes meet. We don't even need to talk to each other.
Our connection is so great that she can have ten kids. I would still pick her!

It's not boy meets girl. it's soulmate. Get it?

When do I know for sure that she has made Up her mind? She is emotionally involved enough to shut down her friend from talking to me.

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