Why do I always attract douchebags?
I've at uni and about to turn 20, and I've been single all my life; I feel like I should get some experience being in a relationship or at least dating, but the type of guys I go for never seem to like girls like me.
I like to put effort into my appearance and I get my fair share of male attention, and I've had guys whom I find really physically attractive and guys who are very smart ask me out, but I tend to really value someone's personality as much as their looks or intelligence, and I want someone who's very kind and decent, hard-working, and actually looking for a committed relationship. I always end up pulling the "players"/guys who are clearly only after one thing (to the point of admitting it to me).
A couple of friends have told me that people they know are interested in me - it always ends up being guys who don't really respect me or want to get to know me properly as a person, as I find out when I start talking to them. When I've turned these guys' advances down politely they haven't even wanted to be friends any more and have spread rumours that I'm a bitch/stuck-up behind my back.
I do know a few guys who are really nice people, but they're mostly in relationships, or not really people I know well enough, and they never seem to go for girls like me - none of the ones I know seem to particularly like me. They always seem to date the quiet, shy girls (I was like this before uni and actually had a couple of guys like that fancy me, though I didn't have enough time for a boyfriend at the time), whereas I'm really outgoing, extroverted, a party girl, and ambitious. I'm quite blunt too - if I think something can be done better I will immediately point it out. I either seem to scare the nice guys off or come across as too high-maintenance for them.
I obviously take my degree seriously as well, but one of my friends once said I was like a "potential trophy girlfriend" as I don't like to come across as too intellectual and am quite girly. I put a lot of effort into my appearance but I'm definitely not the stereotypical vain bitchy girl, if anything I'm quite nice. However, this just seems to attract players/the wrong guys even more as they seem to see me as an easy target!
Advice?
I like to put effort into my appearance and I get my fair share of male attention, and I've had guys whom I find really physically attractive and guys who are very smart ask me out, but I tend to really value someone's personality as much as their looks or intelligence, and I want someone who's very kind and decent, hard-working, and actually looking for a committed relationship. I always end up pulling the "players"/guys who are clearly only after one thing (to the point of admitting it to me).
A couple of friends have told me that people they know are interested in me - it always ends up being guys who don't really respect me or want to get to know me properly as a person, as I find out when I start talking to them. When I've turned these guys' advances down politely they haven't even wanted to be friends any more and have spread rumours that I'm a bitch/stuck-up behind my back.
I do know a few guys who are really nice people, but they're mostly in relationships, or not really people I know well enough, and they never seem to go for girls like me - none of the ones I know seem to particularly like me. They always seem to date the quiet, shy girls (I was like this before uni and actually had a couple of guys like that fancy me, though I didn't have enough time for a boyfriend at the time), whereas I'm really outgoing, extroverted, a party girl, and ambitious. I'm quite blunt too - if I think something can be done better I will immediately point it out. I either seem to scare the nice guys off or come across as too high-maintenance for them.
I obviously take my degree seriously as well, but one of my friends once said I was like a "potential trophy girlfriend" as I don't like to come across as too intellectual and am quite girly. I put a lot of effort into my appearance but I'm definitely not the stereotypical vain bitchy girl, if anything I'm quite nice. However, this just seems to attract players/the wrong guys even more as they seem to see me as an easy target!
Advice?
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Maybe the reason why you seem to attract douchebags all the time is because you turn down the smart guys.
Original post by Kebablington
Maybe the reason why you seem to attract douchebags all the time is because you turn down the smart guys.
I don't turn them down for being smart. I turn them down because they don't seem like particularly nice people (the guys in question were both racist and sexist and used to get into long-winded arguments with me whenever I tried to call them out on that).
i think maybe you expecting too much. is dangerous thinking if you end up thinking 'there is no such thing as the right guy', because it will becoming self fulfliling prophecy. which is sounding like with you mindset, you are on you way to this
do not thinking 'the guys i have been are all same type' because you soon going to do think that all guy is like this and then the above will happening
take you're guys one by one and fault them separately, then this is not happening, then you are not worrying.
this is what my mother is also telling to me when men are coming to my khastegari
do not thinking 'the guys i have been are all same type' because you soon going to do think that all guy is like this and then the above will happening
take you're guys one by one and fault them separately, then this is not happening, then you are not worrying.
this is what my mother is also telling to me when men are coming to my khastegari
Original post by Mullah.S
i think maybe you expecting too much. is dangerous thinking if you end up thinking 'there is no such thing as the right guy', because it will becoming self fulfliling prophecy. which is sounding like with you mindset, you are on you way to this
do not thinking 'the guys i have been are all same type' because you soon going to do think that all guy is like this and then the above will happening
take you're guys one by one and fault them separately, then this is not happening, then you are not worrying.
this is what my mother is also telling to me when men are coming to my khastegari
do not thinking 'the guys i have been are all same type' because you soon going to do think that all guy is like this and then the above will happening
take you're guys one by one and fault them separately, then this is not happening, then you are not worrying.
this is what my mother is also telling to me when men are coming to my khastegari
It's not really all the guys I know/see who are all the same type, just the ones who actively chase me. I'm not sure if it's my lifestyle (I go out partying a lot and only have about 20 close friends and a lot of male acquaintances) but I don't want to change who I am just to find a boyfriend.
Original post by Anonymous
I either seem to scare the nice guys off or come across as too high-maintenance for them.
This is probably your problem. How can you fix it?... I have no idea. Sometimes certain things just seem to come with the lifestyle...
Original post by Bulbasaur
This is probably your problem. How can you fix it?... I have no idea. Sometimes certain things just seem to come with the lifestyle...
I'm not exactly sleeping around (nor have I ever had a reputation for doing so); it's just that they seem to take one look at me and think "party girl." I'm also very confident and outgoing which seems to put off a lot of nice guys for some reason. And they have different hobbies (I'm Christian and lots of the guys I fancy are too, but I'd rather play sports and stuff than do mission work or spend hours at prayer groups).
Original post by Anonymous
It's not really all the guys I know/see who are all the same type, just the ones who actively chase me. I'm not sure if it's my lifestyle (I go out partying a lot and only have about 20 close friends and a lot of male acquaintances) but I don't want to change who I am just to find a boyfriend.
Well there you go, it's not really a mystery.
You go out a lot and pull guys. Therefore the guys you will attract will be guys who go out a lot and like pulling girls.
Original post by Anonymous
It's not really all the guys I know/see who are all the same type, just the ones who actively chase me. I'm not sure if it's my lifestyle (I go out partying a lot and only have about 20 close friends and a lot of male acquaintances) but I don't want to change who I am just to find a boyfriend.
There's a saying that if you keep doing the same thing but expect different results, that's madness.
Now, there's nothing wrong with partying a lot and having lots of male friends. But if you're looking for guys who aren't *******s and who respect you, then you need to do other activities than clubbing, and maybe be a bit more selective of the guys who you let get close to you.
Original post by Voltozonic
You attract douches ?
Stop waiting for guys to come to you and go and make the effort to find someone yourself.
Stop waiting for guys to come to you and go and make the effort to find someone yourself.
Amen.
Original post by rstar28
You seem to be asking a question you already have the answer for..
And what would that be?
Original post by Voltozonic
You attract douches ?
Stop waiting for guys to come to you and go and make the effort to find someone yourself.
Stop waiting for guys to come to you and go and make the effort to find someone yourself.
I assume you're male - would you say it's OK to ask a guy out? How do I do this without seeming desperate/needy? Because I seem like such a "party girl" and maybe a bit fickle/girly, I gave up on chasing guys before as they seemed to assume I only wanted sex, though that was definitely not the case.
Original post by Anonymous
And what would that be?
Well, you keep saying
I'm not exactly sleeping around (nor have I ever had a reputation for doing so); it's just that they seem to take one look at me and think "party girl." I'm also very confident and outgoing which seems to put off a lot of nice guys for some reason.
owtte... So it just sounds like you know why you attract the douchebags and not the nice guys
Original post by Anonymous
When I've turned these guys' advances down politely they haven't even wanted to be friends any more and have spread rumours that I'm a bitch/stuck-up behind my back.
That's normal though.
Original post by Anonymous
I've at uni and about to turn 20, and I've been single all my life; I feel like I should get some experience being in a relationship or at least dating, but the type of guys I go for never seem to like girls like me.
I like to put effort into my appearance and I get my fair share of male attention, and I've had guys whom I find really physically attractive and guys who are very smart ask me out, but I tend to really value someone's personality as much as their looks or intelligence, and I want someone who's very kind and decent, hard-working, and actually looking for a committed relationship. I always end up pulling the "players"/guys who are clearly only after one thing (to the point of admitting it to me).
A couple of friends have told me that people they know are interested in me - it always ends up being guys who don't really respect me or want to get to know me properly as a person, as I find out when I start talking to them. When I've turned these guys' advances down politely they haven't even wanted to be friends any more and have spread rumours that I'm a bitch/stuck-up behind my back.
I do know a few guys who are really nice people, but they're mostly in relationships, or not really people I know well enough, and they never seem to go for girls like me - none of the ones I know seem to particularly like me. They always seem to date the quiet, shy girls (I was like this before uni and actually had a couple of guys like that fancy me, though I didn't have enough time for a boyfriend at the time), whereas I'm really outgoing, extroverted, a party girl, and ambitious. I'm quite blunt too - if I think something can be done better I will immediately point it out. I either seem to scare the nice guys off or come across as too high-maintenance for them.
I obviously take my degree seriously as well, but one of my friends once said I was like a "potential trophy girlfriend" as I don't like to come across as too intellectual and am quite girly. I put a lot of effort into my appearance but I'm definitely not the stereotypical vain bitchy girl, if anything I'm quite nice. However, this just seems to attract players/the wrong guys even more as they seem to see me as an easy target!
Advice?
I like to put effort into my appearance and I get my fair share of male attention, and I've had guys whom I find really physically attractive and guys who are very smart ask me out, but I tend to really value someone's personality as much as their looks or intelligence, and I want someone who's very kind and decent, hard-working, and actually looking for a committed relationship. I always end up pulling the "players"/guys who are clearly only after one thing (to the point of admitting it to me).
A couple of friends have told me that people they know are interested in me - it always ends up being guys who don't really respect me or want to get to know me properly as a person, as I find out when I start talking to them. When I've turned these guys' advances down politely they haven't even wanted to be friends any more and have spread rumours that I'm a bitch/stuck-up behind my back.
I do know a few guys who are really nice people, but they're mostly in relationships, or not really people I know well enough, and they never seem to go for girls like me - none of the ones I know seem to particularly like me. They always seem to date the quiet, shy girls (I was like this before uni and actually had a couple of guys like that fancy me, though I didn't have enough time for a boyfriend at the time), whereas I'm really outgoing, extroverted, a party girl, and ambitious. I'm quite blunt too - if I think something can be done better I will immediately point it out. I either seem to scare the nice guys off or come across as too high-maintenance for them.
I obviously take my degree seriously as well, but one of my friends once said I was like a "potential trophy girlfriend" as I don't like to come across as too intellectual and am quite girly. I put a lot of effort into my appearance but I'm definitely not the stereotypical vain bitchy girl, if anything I'm quite nice. However, this just seems to attract players/the wrong guys even more as they seem to see me as an easy target!
Advice?
That is why you attract them.
Instead of blaming the nice, smart, committed and mature guys for not being interested in you, why you don't think about whether you are someone a person like that would complement.
Original post by TitanicTeutonicPhil
That's normal though.
I don't think so - how many guys do you know who behave like that? And even if it's most of them no-one wants to date a guy with a sour-grapes attitude. The way someone behaves when they don't get what they want is a real indication of what their personality's like.
Original post by TheBigGeek
Instead of blaming the nice, smart, committed and mature guys for not being interested in you, why you don't think about whether you are someone a person like that would complement.
I'm not blaming them, I was asking why. Like I said, I am a nice person (to the point of being seen as a goody two-shoes to a lot of my friends).
CJKay
That is why you attract them.
That's the thing, though - I don't have a reputation for sleeping around (or act sluttily) in the slightest. I've never actually taken a guy back to mine in my life. I do dress nicely/wear make-up on nights out but every girl does. People say I come across as innocent though so not sure if that means they think I might be an easy catch.
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