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I love my girlfriend but don't find her sexually attractive
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So what ive taken away from all whats been said is:
- you like her as friend more than as a lover
- youre afraid to be alone.
- you're wasting your own time and hers
- missing having someone around isnt a reason to not do the right thing.
- you like her as friend more than as a lover
- youre afraid to be alone.
- you're wasting your own time and hers
- missing having someone around isnt a reason to not do the right thing.
Arranged marriages make it work, do you think as your feeling get deeper you might find her attractive over time?
Original post by Anonymous
I fell in love with a guy over the summer whom most people would consider really quite unattractive, but after developing feelings for him I looked at him totally differently, and still do. But if I had continued to find him unattractive it would have made me shudder to have sex with him. As it happens, he is the best sex I've ever had, and no one has ever turned me on more!
I fell in love with a guy over the summer whom most people would consider really quite unattractive, but after developing feelings for him I looked at him totally differently, and still do. But if I had continued to find him unattractive it would have made me shudder to have sex with him. As it happens, he is the best sex I've ever had, and no one has ever turned me on more!
Can I ask you why or how you fell in love with this "unattractive guy"? How was his personality? After falling for him, how did you see him? Did you find him more attractive in some way?
I'm asking this because I had a major crush on this girl when I was in secondary school, who isn't super attractive, but I just loved her! Her smile and laugh was.....but that was a long time ago LOL
"Personality being number one" may be true for some people (myself included), but that doesn't mean it should be the only thing.
Were you friends before you starting going out?
If so you could ways say you've found it really hard to think of her sexually due to being friends but didn't want to hurt her feelings but that you've come to realise you probably have been which makes you feel bad?
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If so you could ways say you've found it really hard to think of her sexually due to being friends but didn't want to hurt her feelings but that you've come to realise you probably have been which makes you feel bad?
Posted from TSR Mobile
Okay, you need to address these issues now, because the longer you leave them, the worse it's going to get. You shouldn't have to have sex that you don't enjoy, that's no way for either of you to live your lives, is it? You need to speak to her, tell her how you feel, tell her it isn't her fault.. and just take it from there.
Original post by AnharM
Can I ask you why or how you fell in love with this "unattractive guy"? How was his personality? After falling for him, how did you see him? Did you find him more attractive in some way?
I'm asking this because I had a major crush on this girl when I was in secondary school, who isn't super attractive, but I just loved her! Her smile and laugh was.....but that was a long time ago LOL
I'm asking this because I had a major crush on this girl when I was in secondary school, who isn't super attractive, but I just loved her! Her smile and laugh was.....but that was a long time ago LOL
He's got quite an odd personality really. He can be brutally honest, which includes (for example) saying when he thinks other women are attractive, and he's not very sensitive so he doesn't really tiptoe around others' feelings. I think this is another reason my friend who knows him had no idea what I was thinking. But he had a really fresh individual way of looking at things, and I loved that he questioned things that most people didn't, and that while he was open about really admiring me, he wouldn't let me get away with any bullshiz. I think I just found him quite an exciting guy really, a lot of fun, and quite spontaneous. Really smart, too, and brilliant at certain things without making a big deal out of them (amazing guitarist/cook). And I always liked what he liked about me - the little observations he made that others didn't.
I found him more attractive long before actually falling for him - possibly because he was so good in bed! We had such good chemistry. It was a pretty good summer
On reading your latest post, I am more convinced that you would be doing both yourself and her and favour by setting each other free. Just be kind when you do it and certainly don't use 'I just don't think you're attractive' as your explanation...that would be crushing.
I don't know how you can contemplate staying with her. This is was the case with me and my ex boyfriend, we were together a year and a half before I couldn't take it anymore. It felt like having sex with a brother or something and it made me physically cringe. If you think it's getting better and you can experiment more/salvage it then you need to put the effort in now before it gets worse. If not, it's probably better to break up now and save yourself the time.
I think you are all right I should probably break up with her. I don't think I really love her, or well maybe love to some degree but am not really 'in love' with her.
It's just that we've been together so long that I've become attached. I'm also scared that if I break up with her I'll end up being alone for a very long time, as due to my current life situation I'm not really able to meet any potential girlfriends.
She is my first girlfriend and I was quite upset when I was single for very long. I think my mentality is that better have a less attractive girlfriend than have no girlfriend. I realise this is unfair for her though, as I am wasting her time while subconciously hoping to end our relationship and to find a more attractive girl.
It's just that we've been together so long that I've become attached. I'm also scared that if I break up with her I'll end up being alone for a very long time, as due to my current life situation I'm not really able to meet any potential girlfriends.
She is my first girlfriend and I was quite upset when I was single for very long. I think my mentality is that better have a less attractive girlfriend than have no girlfriend. I realise this is unfair for her though, as I am wasting her time while subconciously hoping to end our relationship and to find a more attractive girl.
so my thoughts on this have mostly already been said, but i think the main thing i thought was when you like someone, even if at first you find them unattractive, somehow being with them and seeing their attractive personality makes you attracted to them physically. another point i would make is it's completely unfair on the girl to keep doing this
Original post by Anonymous
I'm 23 and my girlfriend is 21 and we have been together for one and a half years now. We love each other and get on very well together, but there is also a big problem.
I was always taught that when it comes to a relationship looks don't matter, that's it's all about the personality. I then wen't for a girl who is an awesome person but who I don't really find sexually attractive.
We've been together for long and now this has really started causing problems to our relationship. I get quite uncomfortable when we get intimate and have sex as I'm not really sexually attracted to her. She has also always been very insecure about her looks and has been telling me that I'm out of her league etc, which itself is quite a turnoff. I sometimes think about other fantasies when we have sex which makes it a little easier for me but I realise this is very wrong.
I love her regardless and we do have a good time together in general and both love eachother.
Can a realtionship work just based on being attracted to someone's personality? I am now a shallow person but I'm starting to learn that maybe you need to have that lust and passion to keep a relationship going.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? Please don't just reply "Break up with her" etc, I would much rather hear a bit more if you think it can work or not or if you have experienced something like this yourself.
I was always taught that when it comes to a relationship looks don't matter, that's it's all about the personality. I then wen't for a girl who is an awesome person but who I don't really find sexually attractive.
We've been together for long and now this has really started causing problems to our relationship. I get quite uncomfortable when we get intimate and have sex as I'm not really sexually attracted to her. She has also always been very insecure about her looks and has been telling me that I'm out of her league etc, which itself is quite a turnoff. I sometimes think about other fantasies when we have sex which makes it a little easier for me but I realise this is very wrong.
I love her regardless and we do have a good time together in general and both love eachother.
Can a realtionship work just based on being attracted to someone's personality? I am now a shallow person but I'm starting to learn that maybe you need to have that lust and passion to keep a relationship going.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? Please don't just reply "Break up with her" etc, I would much rather hear a bit more if you think it can work or not or if you have experienced something like this yourself.
Original post by Anonymous
I think you are all right I should probably break up with her. I don't think I really love her, or well maybe love to some degree but am not really 'in love' with her.
It's just that we've been together so long that I've become attached. I'm also scared that if I break up with her I'll end up being alone for a very long time, as due to my current life situation I'm not really able to meet any potential girlfriends.
She is my first girlfriend and I was quite upset when I was single for very long. I think my mentality is that better have a less attractive girlfriend than have no girlfriend. I realise this is unfair for her though, as I am wasting her time while subconciously hoping to end our relationship and to find a more attractive girl.
It's just that we've been together so long that I've become attached. I'm also scared that if I break up with her I'll end up being alone for a very long time, as due to my current life situation I'm not really able to meet any potential girlfriends.
She is my first girlfriend and I was quite upset when I was single for very long. I think my mentality is that better have a less attractive girlfriend than have no girlfriend. I realise this is unfair for her though, as I am wasting her time while subconciously hoping to end our relationship and to find a more attractive girl.
Yes - very, very unfair. And to be honest you're young, why do you need a girlfriend anyway? Perhaps it would be better to be happy with your own company so that you're ready for a different girl when she comes along, rather than dumping your girlfriend for someone else (which would be awful for her by the way) and being the kind of guy who jumps from one relationship to the next.
Original post by AKWxxx
so my thoughts on this have mostly already been said, but i think the main thing i thought was when you like someone, even if at first you find them unattractive, somehow being with them and seeing their attractive personality makes you attracted to them physically. another point i would make is it's completely unfair on the girl to keep doing this
Yeah but her nice personality doesn't still make her sexually attractive to me. She can look cute to me sometimes and its nice to hug and cuddle, but kissing and sex just isn't that enjoyable for me.
Original post by Anonymous
Yes - very, very unfair. And to be honest you're young, why do you need a girlfriend anyway? Perhaps it would be better to be happy with your own company so that you're ready for a different girl when she comes along, rather than dumping your girlfriend for someone else (which would be awful for her by the way) and being the kind of guy who jumps from one relationship to the next.
I'm in a situation at the moment where I'm living quite far away for a while and currently not meeting any other people. If I ended things now I would be very lonely for a long time, at least it would be very likely. If we broke up she would also be very upset as she loves me and it would be bad for both of us.
I get your point that it would be worse if I eventually dumped her for someone else, which would be very bad indeed.
I am just trying to control my lust for other attractive girls and enjoy things with my girlfriend.
Original post by Anonymous
He's got quite an odd personality really. He can be brutally honest, which includes (for example) saying when he thinks other women are attractive, and he's not very sensitive so he doesn't really tiptoe around others' feelings. I think this is another reason my friend who knows him had no idea what I was thinking. But he had a really fresh individual way of looking at things, and I loved that he questioned things that most people didn't, and that while he was open about really admiring me, he wouldn't let me get away with any bullshiz. I think I just found him quite an exciting guy really, a lot of fun, and quite spontaneous. Really smart, too, and brilliant at certain things without making a big deal out of them (amazing guitarist/cook). And I always liked what he liked about me - the little observations he made that others didn't.
I found him more attractive long before actually falling for him - possibly because he was so good in bed! We had such good chemistry. It was a pretty good summer
I found him more attractive long before actually falling for him - possibly because he was so good in bed! We had such good chemistry. It was a pretty good summer
If you haven't got the above - and you feel you have no hope of the above, i reckon you're way too young too tie this young woman to you...
Original post by Anonymous
....... I should probably break up with her. I don't think I really love her, or well maybe love to some degree but am not really 'in love' with her....
..
She is my first girlfriend and I was quite upset when I was single for very long. I think my mentality is that better have a less attractive girlfriend than have no girlfriend. I realise this is unfair for her though, as I am wasting her time while subconciously hoping to end our relationship and to find a more attractive girl.
..
She is my first girlfriend and I was quite upset when I was single for very long. I think my mentality is that better have a less attractive girlfriend than have no girlfriend. I realise this is unfair for her though, as I am wasting her time while subconciously hoping to end our relationship and to find a more attractive girl.
You're not sure you love her - definitely not 'in love' with her
AND
You're saying, on some level, you feel it's better to have A girlfriend better than NO girlfriend....
As you say - it does not seem fair...
Seems you really like this girl you probably would have made brilliant best friends - but sadly (for her and you) , it developed into a sexual relationship.
Honestly OP how would you feel if she was saying she finds it really difficult having any intimacy as she found you too unattractive??
Little wolf taima is correct - you can heavily fall for someone you don't find initially attractive but.... This doesn't seem to be happening for you both?
Perhaps you both need to take a step back and look at this r/s...
What are you both seeing for yourselves long term?? ... If there is a sig difference between your long term goals for this r/s as it sounds there may be.... Think you both need to take action...
How would you feel if she was having fantasies about other guys while having sex with you or wasn't attracted to you .. think about this carefully.
You cannot continue a relationship feeling like this. Love is one thing but attraction and lust must be there as a baseline to build on. I see why you thought you'd go for love or lust but in your case you've said it's not working. A year and a half is a long time. I'd say end it and meet someone new.
Having sex with your girlfriend should never be uncomfortable after a good year and a half. Maybe you are more suited to being friends.
You cannot continue a relationship feeling like this. Love is one thing but attraction and lust must be there as a baseline to build on. I see why you thought you'd go for love or lust but in your case you've said it's not working. A year and a half is a long time. I'd say end it and meet someone new.
Having sex with your girlfriend should never be uncomfortable after a good year and a half. Maybe you are more suited to being friends.
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah but her nice personality doesn't still make her sexually attractive to me. She can look cute to me sometimes and its nice to hug and cuddle, but kissing and sex just isn't that enjoyable for me.
I'm in a situation at the moment where I'm living quite far away for a while and currently not meeting any other people. If I ended things now I would be very lonely for a long time, at least it would be very likely. If we broke up she would also be very upset as she loves me and it would be bad for both of us.
I get your point that it would be worse if I eventually dumped her for someone else, which would be very bad indeed.
I am just trying to control my lust for other attractive girls and enjoy things with my girlfriend.
I'm in a situation at the moment where I'm living quite far away for a while and currently not meeting any other people. If I ended things now I would be very lonely for a long time, at least it would be very likely. If we broke up she would also be very upset as she loves me and it would be bad for both of us.
I get your point that it would be worse if I eventually dumped her for someone else, which would be very bad indeed.
I am just trying to control my lust for other attractive girls and enjoy things with my girlfriend.
you can't stay with someone just because you're lonely. imagine if she saw this thread what she would think. i'm not blaming you, you can't help it if you just aren't attracted to her but if you're having to control your lust for other girls you definately need to break up
Original post by Anonymous
I'm 23 and my girlfriend is 21 and we have been together for one and a half years now. We love each other and get on very well together, but there is also a big problem.
I was always taught that when it comes to a relationship looks don't matter, that's it's all about the personality. I then wen't for a girl who is an awesome person but who I don't really find sexually attractive.
We've been together for long and now this has really started causing problems to our relationship. I get quite uncomfortable when we get intimate and have sex as I'm not really sexually attracted to her. She has also always been very insecure about her looks and has been telling me that I'm out of her league etc, which itself is quite a turnoff. I sometimes think about other fantasies when we have sex which makes it a little easier for me but I realise this is very wrong.
I love her regardless and we do have a good time together in general and both love eachother.
Can a realtionship work just based on being attracted to someone's personality? I am now a shallow person but I'm starting to learn that maybe you need to have that lust and passion to keep a relationship going.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? Please don't just reply "Break up with her" etc, I would much rather hear a bit more if you think it can work or not or if you have experienced something like this yourself.
I was always taught that when it comes to a relationship looks don't matter, that's it's all about the personality. I then wen't for a girl who is an awesome person but who I don't really find sexually attractive.
We've been together for long and now this has really started causing problems to our relationship. I get quite uncomfortable when we get intimate and have sex as I'm not really sexually attracted to her. She has also always been very insecure about her looks and has been telling me that I'm out of her league etc, which itself is quite a turnoff. I sometimes think about other fantasies when we have sex which makes it a little easier for me but I realise this is very wrong.
I love her regardless and we do have a good time together in general and both love eachother.
Can a realtionship work just based on being attracted to someone's personality? I am now a shallow person but I'm starting to learn that maybe you need to have that lust and passion to keep a relationship going.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? Please don't just reply "Break up with her" etc, I would much rather hear a bit more if you think it can work or not or if you have experienced something like this yourself.
I kind of felt the same way about a girl I met in year one who was nice etc but just didnt find her attractive. There was another girl who was more attractive that I knew and just found her so much better in ever single way, looks, personality, athletic tall body, nice chest, face hair, intelligence etc. I used to think of her so much etc especially when it just didn't work our in the bedroom with my then gf. I dumped her and got together with the other girl and 4 years later we graduated got jobs, still together...... We got married. You can't help who you fall for and sometimes you need to be try to yourself if you want to be happy. When I look back on the other girl she was such a huge mistake especially in the bedroom . You know she is a turn off when you get an erection thinking about another girl and not her. Good riddance.
You're an absolute saint, world needs more like you bro.
I think if you REALLY like someone's personality, you tend to find them attractive no matter what they look like. I've gone out with guys who aren't conventionally attractive, but I found them attractive at the time because I really liked them. If you're not physically attracted to her, you're probably better off just friends.
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