Hey there! For this stage in AS I think you're doing well, corrections have already been given above, so I'll give my opinion for improvement. (A2 student btw
)
-Firstly, I would skip your intro, just answer the question. Saying that you will look at x and y for 2 sentences scores you no marks. Instead you could answer the first question "
Expliquez pourquoi les jeunes achetent les vetements de marque."
-Secondly, way more content is needed. Pick your best ideas/examples and then elaborate. Try to avoid trivial stuff that anyone could say. French schools have no uniform, you could have mentioned bullying due to fashion (as a negative), or an improved self-image as youngstes feel good in those clothes (as a positive). Not the best ideas but such ideas would have been much more impressive.
-Structure! This essay was a bit all over the place with no clear cut struture. "
Est-ce que ces vetements jouent un role positif ou negatif dans la vie des jeunes, à votre avis?" Your answer to this could be in two seperate paragaphs (or more), and use clear language to indicate what side you'll be arguing about. Stuff like d'un cote, un avantage, l'inconvenient le plus evident est... You should have some good phrases for this already. Also, adress the question by answering both sides.
-Conclusion-make it strong, short and don't just repeat. Again, the question asks for "
...dans la vie des jeunes" and not what you said which doesn't answer the question whatsoever. Choose a side (+ve or -ve) and say three things why, list style. A rhetoical question can re-enforce an opinion and finish it off nicely. Practice a few as this may work great, or you might want to try another method. E.g. C'est moins cher, nous facilite la vie de tous les jours, et viends en plusieurs couleurs. Surement le/la ... est la meilleur option?
Just keep practicing and showing your teachers, and you'll get there. My first essays were truely dire, and looking back at them makes me cringe so much, but also see how much I've improved. Finally look at examiners reports, they'll help you loads as to what to do/not do.