Still a work in progress 12 years on. I was never popular at school, my only attemt at dating landed me in hospital with a cracked skull as I as attacked by people in my year who said girls shouldn't date freaks.
When I was 19 I had my first relationship, we were together just over as year and the joy and warmth we shared was like nothing I have felt before or since. Then one day I went to see her and there was now one home, as I was texting her a neighbour said the family had given the house away and moved. Her parents were part of a weird religious group, I found out from her uncle but he had no way of contacting them. Despite trying everything I lost hope of finding her(2003 not a lot of social media either to help) and fell into very dark place.
For the next five years I became the mirror opposite of myself, Drink, drugs, violence, using women and other terrible thing became my life, anything to numb the pain or vent the anger and hopelessness.In the moments of clarity I tried to kill myself, more because of what I had become. I was only dragged back from the edge by reaching out to a close friend after I put myself in hospital.
It's been seven years since then I am still rebuilding my life, I will never beg or ask forgiveness whats done is done, all I can do is let my actions help me find a sense of attonment and peace. I do some charity work like samaritans and have returned to education, hoping to study criminology. I have been on a couple of dates this year but a combination of my past and finding it hard to adjust to modern dating has made it tough.I have good and bad days but things are progressing mainly in a direction.