Am I the reason/to blame for my girlfriends poor behaviour?
I am in a two months relationship with my girlfriend. We are both at university and we have worked at the same restaurant for about a year, been good friends for six months and dated the last two.
She left her ex-boyfriend of 4 years just a couple of weeks before we started dating. To sum up the details: In my field of education there is a majority of females, which means that I have and have always had a few very good females friends. This has always been strictly platonic and they all have boyfriends of their own. My girlfriend is insecure, admittedly has low self esteem and her mother cheated on her father when she was a child. I don't know whether or not she is aware, but I think that her present behaviour is rooted within this traumatic experience.
Her behaviour is basically driving me away. I will sum it up:
- She looks through my phone (texts, call log, apps). She 'only' did this once or twice, but I guess that doesn't make it less wrong.
- She texted a female friends from my phone, asking whether she and I had had sex.
- She calls my female friends '*****es' and 'hoes'.
- Whenever she has the opportunity, she makes fun of and laugh at people behind their backs for any given reason. This seems to be especially prevailing when the 'victim' has had something bad/unlucky happen to them. To give you an example: She laughed at a friend of hers behind her back, because the friend was devastated that her boyfriend had just broken up with her.
- She is sometimes demeaning towards me; saying that I shouldn't bother working out, because I'm not the 'bodybuilding type of guy' and laughing at me, if I am nearing a deadline at university and hasn't finished yet instead of supporting me. Wheneever she does this and I point out that her sarcastic ways doesn't make things better, she claims she was just joking.
- Her inappropriate jokes also contains passive-agressive threats at times: She would tell me that we'll never see each other again and when I don't answer she will claim she was joking.
- Whenever I do spend time with the afore-mentioned female friends, she asks how 'our date' went. I'm sure she would say she is saying it as a joke, but I percieve it otherwise.
- She only has one real friend besides her little sister. I'm starting to think that she may have pushed her friends away aswell if she behaved the same way with them.
And I'm sure there are a lot of other things that I forgot to mention, but these are the things that came to mind first and foremost.
Whenever she does these things, I get a knot in my stomach and my gut feeling/intuition is telling me that something is completely wrong. Her behaviour is driving me away and its making me want to spend less and less time with her, which I think is fueling her poor behaviour even further like a vicious circle. This has made me think that her way of acting is somehow my fault.
I feel sick and like leaving but then again, she also does a lot of good things for me: She buys me gifts, sends me love letters, invites me to meet her family etc.
I could use some input on this. What are your thoughts?
She left her ex-boyfriend of 4 years just a couple of weeks before we started dating. To sum up the details: In my field of education there is a majority of females, which means that I have and have always had a few very good females friends. This has always been strictly platonic and they all have boyfriends of their own. My girlfriend is insecure, admittedly has low self esteem and her mother cheated on her father when she was a child. I don't know whether or not she is aware, but I think that her present behaviour is rooted within this traumatic experience.
Her behaviour is basically driving me away. I will sum it up:
- She looks through my phone (texts, call log, apps). She 'only' did this once or twice, but I guess that doesn't make it less wrong.
- She texted a female friends from my phone, asking whether she and I had had sex.
- She calls my female friends '*****es' and 'hoes'.
- Whenever she has the opportunity, she makes fun of and laugh at people behind their backs for any given reason. This seems to be especially prevailing when the 'victim' has had something bad/unlucky happen to them. To give you an example: She laughed at a friend of hers behind her back, because the friend was devastated that her boyfriend had just broken up with her.
- She is sometimes demeaning towards me; saying that I shouldn't bother working out, because I'm not the 'bodybuilding type of guy' and laughing at me, if I am nearing a deadline at university and hasn't finished yet instead of supporting me. Wheneever she does this and I point out that her sarcastic ways doesn't make things better, she claims she was just joking.
- Her inappropriate jokes also contains passive-agressive threats at times: She would tell me that we'll never see each other again and when I don't answer she will claim she was joking.
- Whenever I do spend time with the afore-mentioned female friends, she asks how 'our date' went. I'm sure she would say she is saying it as a joke, but I percieve it otherwise.
- She only has one real friend besides her little sister. I'm starting to think that she may have pushed her friends away aswell if she behaved the same way with them.
And I'm sure there are a lot of other things that I forgot to mention, but these are the things that came to mind first and foremost.
Whenever she does these things, I get a knot in my stomach and my gut feeling/intuition is telling me that something is completely wrong. Her behaviour is driving me away and its making me want to spend less and less time with her, which I think is fueling her poor behaviour even further like a vicious circle. This has made me think that her way of acting is somehow my fault.
I feel sick and like leaving but then again, she also does a lot of good things for me: She buys me gifts, sends me love letters, invites me to meet her family etc.
I could use some input on this. What are your thoughts?
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The woman sounds like an absolute nutjob.
Dump her, preferably not when she's within reach of a sharp object
Dump her, preferably not when she's within reach of a sharp object
Pack up your possessions and leave her ASAP , preferably before she gets whiff that you're about to leave her.
Your gut feeling is telling you something is wrong because she is not the right person to be in a relationship with. By weighing out the pro's against the con's there are definitely more con's (which you clearly mentioned). You don't come across as happy in this relationship and from what you have described I can see why. Understand that you deserve better than how she treats you. You have watched how she treats others, which can be disrespectful and unfriendly. She doesn't trust you with other girls and that makes her seem quite insecure which you cannot fix, she needs to work on herself about this issue. And she jumped from a 4 year relationship to you in two weeks! So, she definitely needs to just take some time away from relationships, learn to love herself and work on herself before she can think of having a bf right now. Go with your gut feeling, its only been two months and if you break it off now then its far better than letting it string along any longer. Don't waste your precious time for both of your sakes. xx
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You are blaming yourself for what is primarily her demons in a sense. For a reationship to work, you need trust and she seems to be lacking in that sense.
Have you tried explaining how you feel? (Mind you I have no idea whether this will accomplish anything or not). It depends on how close you are and how comfortable you are with each other.
Have you tried explaining how you feel? (Mind you I have no idea whether this will accomplish anything or not). It depends on how close you are and how comfortable you are with each other.
She sounds slightly psychotic but I guess that's what happens when someone has had a bad experience. I say try to have a serious conversation about what's bothering you. Obviously say it it in a nice way, not accusingly, or else she will deffo get defensive. Explain that you're trustable and whatnot. If having a heart to heart doesn't work, then maybe she's just not right for you.
If I'm honest, I wouldn't even want to be friends with someone like that. She laughed when her friend's bf broke up with her? How compassionate(!) Are you completely sure she doesn't do the same thing to you behind your back?
Oh and to answer you're question, unless you've ever flirted or got too close to other girls while you were with her, her behaviour is not your fault at all.
If I'm honest, I wouldn't even want to be friends with someone like that. She laughed when her friend's bf broke up with her? How compassionate(!) Are you completely sure she doesn't do the same thing to you behind your back?
Oh and to answer you're question, unless you've ever flirted or got too close to other girls while you were with her, her behaviour is not your fault at all.
Original post by Trinculo
I wouldn't ditch her until you have a better offer. Mad girlfriend is better than no girlfriend.
No way, that sort of drama isn't worth it. Why should he stick with someone who gives him a migraine? And it's kinda mean to use a girl for company until the next one comes along. Especially considering she already has trust issues, it's kinda ****ed up and selfish to mess with someone's heart like that.
Original post by throwaway241
I am in a two months relationship with my girlfriend. We are both at university and we have worked at the same restaurant for about a year, been good friends for six months and dated the last two.
She left her ex-boyfriend of 4 years just a couple of weeks before we started dating. To sum up the details: In my field of education there is a majority of females, which means that I have and have always had a few very good females friends. This has always been strictly platonic and they all have boyfriends of their own. My girlfriend is insecure, admittedly has low self esteem and her mother cheated on her father when she was a child. I don't know whether or not she is aware, but I think that her present behaviour is rooted within this traumatic experience.
Her behaviour is basically driving me away. I will sum it up:
- She looks through my phone (texts, call log, apps). She 'only' did this once or twice, but I guess that doesn't make it less wrong.
- She texted a female friends from my phone, asking whether she and I had had sex.
- She calls my female friends '*****es' and 'hoes'.
- Whenever she has the opportunity, she makes fun of and laugh at people behind their backs for any given reason. This seems to be especially prevailing when the 'victim' has had something bad/unlucky happen to them. To give you an example: She laughed at a friend of hers behind her back, because the friend was devastated that her boyfriend had just broken up with her.
- She is sometimes demeaning towards me; saying that I shouldn't bother working out, because I'm not the 'bodybuilding type of guy' and laughing at me, if I am nearing a deadline at university and hasn't finished yet instead of supporting me. Wheneever she does this and I point out that her sarcastic ways doesn't make things better, she claims she was just joking.
- Her inappropriate jokes also contains passive-agressive threats at times: She would tell me that we'll never see each other again and when I don't answer she will claim she was joking.
- Whenever I do spend time with the afore-mentioned female friends, she asks how 'our date' went. I'm sure she would say she is saying it as a joke, but I percieve it otherwise.
- She only has one real friend besides her little sister. I'm starting to think that she may have pushed her friends away aswell if she behaved the same way with them.
And I'm sure there are a lot of other things that I forgot to mention, but these are the things that came to mind first and foremost.
Whenever she does these things, I get a knot in my stomach and my gut feeling/intuition is telling me that something is completely wrong. Her behaviour is driving me away and its making me want to spend less and less time with her, which I think is fueling her poor behaviour even further like a vicious circle. This has made me think that her way of acting is somehow my fault.
I feel sick and like leaving but then again, she also does a lot of good things for me: She buys me gifts, sends me love letters, invites me to meet her family etc.
I could use some input on this. What are your thoughts?
She left her ex-boyfriend of 4 years just a couple of weeks before we started dating. To sum up the details: In my field of education there is a majority of females, which means that I have and have always had a few very good females friends. This has always been strictly platonic and they all have boyfriends of their own. My girlfriend is insecure, admittedly has low self esteem and her mother cheated on her father when she was a child. I don't know whether or not she is aware, but I think that her present behaviour is rooted within this traumatic experience.
Her behaviour is basically driving me away. I will sum it up:
- She looks through my phone (texts, call log, apps). She 'only' did this once or twice, but I guess that doesn't make it less wrong.
- She texted a female friends from my phone, asking whether she and I had had sex.
- She calls my female friends '*****es' and 'hoes'.
- Whenever she has the opportunity, she makes fun of and laugh at people behind their backs for any given reason. This seems to be especially prevailing when the 'victim' has had something bad/unlucky happen to them. To give you an example: She laughed at a friend of hers behind her back, because the friend was devastated that her boyfriend had just broken up with her.
- She is sometimes demeaning towards me; saying that I shouldn't bother working out, because I'm not the 'bodybuilding type of guy' and laughing at me, if I am nearing a deadline at university and hasn't finished yet instead of supporting me. Wheneever she does this and I point out that her sarcastic ways doesn't make things better, she claims she was just joking.
- Her inappropriate jokes also contains passive-agressive threats at times: She would tell me that we'll never see each other again and when I don't answer she will claim she was joking.
- Whenever I do spend time with the afore-mentioned female friends, she asks how 'our date' went. I'm sure she would say she is saying it as a joke, but I percieve it otherwise.
- She only has one real friend besides her little sister. I'm starting to think that she may have pushed her friends away aswell if she behaved the same way with them.
And I'm sure there are a lot of other things that I forgot to mention, but these are the things that came to mind first and foremost.
Whenever she does these things, I get a knot in my stomach and my gut feeling/intuition is telling me that something is completely wrong. Her behaviour is driving me away and its making me want to spend less and less time with her, which I think is fueling her poor behaviour even further like a vicious circle. This has made me think that her way of acting is somehow my fault.
I feel sick and like leaving but then again, she also does a lot of good things for me: She buys me gifts, sends me love letters, invites me to meet her family etc.
I could use some input on this. What are your thoughts?
I bet she's a maniac in bed, bet she spanks your non bodybuilding arse instead
Get out of there. Plus, I don't see why everyone else is saying she's 'psychotic', she just has a godawful character.
It doesn't really matter what the 'reason' is, that isn't a relationship you're going to be okay in long term so you need to set some strict requirements for improving her behaviour or end it
Original post by throwaway241
I could use some input on this. What are your thoughts?
1) Always avoid dating a co-worker - although you may never envisage breaking up with them things can get very unpleasant when you do which can affect your job security and career.
2) Most people will not change - regardless of how patient you are or how much time you have you are unlikely to change someone's core attitudes and behaviour. If you cannot live with it for the rest of your life you're best off moving on.
3) A lasting relationship needs mutual respect and trust - this woman does not respect or trust you, regardless of what she may say. As said above this is very unlikely to change.
4) Listen to your friends and family - it may not be what you want to hear but they are less "emotionally invested" and more able to view the situation more objectively.
5) Life is too short, don't waste your time - if she doesn't make you genuinely happy and you can't see a future with her you are best off moving on. The more time you spend with the "wrong" person, the less time you have to find the "right" one.
6) Learn from the experience - regardless of how much more time you spend with her and how bad things get at least you know what you don't want when looking for your next girlfriend.
Coming from a "psycho girlfriend" perspective (as I have been previously called) it sounds like she's been hurt before.
The relationship is new, she hasn't had chance to gauge whether or not she can trust you so just reassure her.
Text her whilst you're out, introduce her to your female friends, invite her out whenever you go out. I'm not saying you should be attached to her 24/7 but you are committing to a partnership, not just blowjobs and somebody to do your washing whilst you're out with your mates.
She needs reassurance. Especially with the whole 'not having any close friends' side of things, sounds like she has a lot invested in this relationship. Some girls (including myself) lose a lot of friends through investing in their relationships too much. Remember she didn't get the chance to be single and to rebuild the bonds she broke in her previous relationship.
Don't get mad at her. Update her whilst you are out. Do not exclude her.
By all means, you shouldn't have to, but if you want to maintain a relationship with a girl who has been hurt before then yeah... you sorta do...
Best of luck!
The relationship is new, she hasn't had chance to gauge whether or not she can trust you so just reassure her.
Text her whilst you're out, introduce her to your female friends, invite her out whenever you go out. I'm not saying you should be attached to her 24/7 but you are committing to a partnership, not just blowjobs and somebody to do your washing whilst you're out with your mates.
She needs reassurance. Especially with the whole 'not having any close friends' side of things, sounds like she has a lot invested in this relationship. Some girls (including myself) lose a lot of friends through investing in their relationships too much. Remember she didn't get the chance to be single and to rebuild the bonds she broke in her previous relationship.
Don't get mad at her. Update her whilst you are out. Do not exclude her.
By all means, you shouldn't have to, but if you want to maintain a relationship with a girl who has been hurt before then yeah... you sorta do...
Best of luck!
She sounds like a horrible person.
She sounds like a horrible and controlling person who is emotionally abusive. If i was you I'd pack your bags and run as far and as fast in the other direction as possible. If she's even laughing at her own friends' misfortune then I don't think you're to blame; she just sounds like a nasty person. Have you actually spoken to her about this stuff? There's usually 2 sides and I'm not quick to pass judgement for that reason, but very little of this seems excusable IMO.
(edited 7 years ago)
I dated someone similar to that and let me tell you one thing; listen to me carefully. Dump her. Best decision of your life, I promise. You will get freedom and won't feel guilty for every little thing you do. She's controlling you even if it doesn't seem like it. I used to think it was because my partner loved me and cared for me so much until we went off to separate schools and true colours started to show. Love doesn't come through jealousy, that's what I have learned.
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