I've been wanting to keep up a small journal/blog thing so I can keep up with everything and discuss things with fellow Muslims/interested non-Muslims.
I was debating doing this anonymous, but decided that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No I wasn't the perfect Muslim, and I'm still not - no one is. But I'm sorting myself out and becoming a better Muslimah day by day.
When I was a kid, I was sexually abused. Then, when I was older, I became deeply depressed. Both of which meant I strayed away from Islam. My family is very religious, so me not practising meant I often lied about praying and reading the Qu'ran. I always had this inner-guilt, and when my father had heart surgery this year, I listened to my guilt, started to open myself up to Allah swt again and felt at peace.
However, after that, I got these flashbacks of the sexual abuse. So not only did I have random memories (more like bits and pieces) when I was younger, I had literal flashbacks of the events and I couldn't control them. I'd have them during an exam, at work, eating. It was terrible and suffocating.
I strayed further. I didn't go back to square 1, more like -10. Not only did I stop practising again, I questioned everything I knew about Islam. I blamed Allah for giving me such hardship at a terrible time, it was as if as soon as I started practising, I was punished with these disgusting flashbacks.
That was until June. I did my A2 exams this year. So simply put, my revision was heavily impacted by the flashbacks. For one of my exams, a content based essay subject, I did nothing until the night before. I made notes a while ago but didn't learn/read it through until the night before. This paper was the biggest one, and had the most content and the hardest. I ended up learning less than half, and I didn't sleep all night because my heart was POUNDING. I thought I was having a heart attack, my body hurt, I was sweating but freezing. It was the worst time of my life, and to this day when I remember it, I cringe.
I was going to tell my mum about the flashbacks so I didn't have to do the exam. I was going to re-take, but in my mind I heard something telling me to do it. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I went in, I saw the exam paper and guess what? Everything that came up was what I actually learnt (except one smaller essay question). I literally went to the toilets and cried. I don't think I've ever been that grateful, and I don't care if it sounds dramatic. It seemed everything was going wrong in my life and this meant everything to me. I suddenly felt a feeling of fulfilment, and I felt Allah's unconditional love. It still makes me tear up.
Ever since, I've been trying (and struggling) to practise again. It's hard. I forgot most surahs, how to pray and how to read Arabic. I've had to do it alone because I don't want my family to know (because I know I'd end up telling them why I stopped practising).
I hope I can open up a healthy discussion about reverts/converts/Muslims/interested people. It's easy to assume every Muslim prays 5 times a day, fasts every Monday and Thursday and that's it. Of course that's my goal, but I'm not there yet.
So, I'll be updating when I can, and even if no one reads or replies, I hope it makes me feel better about my progress, because I feel I haven't made a lot which is disheartening.
May we all seek comfort and guidance in Allah swt. Ameen.