Sex & Love situation

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months and have been talking about (and majorly arguing over) sex for at least 2 of those. Neither of us are virgins, both been in relationships before, he's 17, I'm 18.

The first problem we had was concerning contraception – I've always thought condoms were safe enough, but he didn't agree. I've agreed to on the pill now as well, so this is no longer an issue.

The problem we are now facing is that I generally associate sex as a loving act (not necessarily always, but in a relationship where you love the other person). Although I believe it is also about pleasure, and sex doesn't equal love, I do see it as an expression of love. He is of the opposite view that everything done sexually in a relationship should be to pleasure the other person, however he does not find sex at all pleasurable (he was circumcised as a child which has apparently decreased his sensitivity a lot). This means that if we were to have sex it would solely be for the purpose of him wanting to make me feel loved and to pleasure me. Whilst I'm happy he is willing to do this for me, I don't want it to be something we do purely for me.

I'm partially wondering if his views on sex will change at all when/if we have sex. He's had a lot of bad experiences with it in the past (when he was 13 a girl basically forced him to have sex with her and he's never had sex with anyone he's loved before) and now takes a very pessimistic and practical take on it. He says I'm the first girl he's ever really felt love for, so I'm kind of wondering if perhaps having sex with me would make him realise the psychological and emotional connection people can have with the act.

Sometimes I'm feeling like I'm making a big issue out of it and I should just accept that not having sex in a relationship isn't a big deal, but I can't help but think that it is. For me, it is definitely something loving, however I am questioning the point of it if he doesn't find it pleasurable. The fact that he doesn't want to have sex with me personally seems very unnatural to me as I see it to be a way to be close to someone (he disagrees because 'anyone can have sex').

He's now saying we should just not talk about it and see how it goes and that he might feel like he wants to do it one day. But I really don't want to go on the pill unless I know we're going to have sex, so I'm not sure what to think of this.

Just wondered what people's views are on the connection between sex and love and my general situation.

Reply 1

fox_the_fix

talk about making an issue out of nothing

Reply 2

Winnieee

fox_the_fix

talk about making an issue out of nothing

Jeez , a little sensitivity wouldn't go amiss.

Reply 3

spasmos

Just try it, and work your best moves on him. Being circumised doesn't mean he can't find sex pleasurable, and with you, you can help to erase those memories of the bad experriences.